Shoplifting Botox Playing Chess in Central Park with homeless - so many lost hobbies

On any Given Sunday, the movie and the phrase, I would be positively tingled in the Vag to work from home on my Bacarrat Vanity Desk and at my pseudo position of Pseudo Assistant Director Of Vera Wang For Balmain For Tik Tok by The Prince, a job I got with my own merits of sleeping my way to the top and having my step Dad accuse someone of rape. Classic Combo

But Alas, I came to to the painstaking realization that I truly do miss My Pre Quarantine Life especially

Shoplifting from Bloomingdales and then Dylans Candy Bar

Throwing Almonds in the Pool at the Ritz in Paris

The sexual tension of a full First Class from JFK to Heathrow  

My Lip injections and cunt liposuction 

Publicly throwing temper tantrums during intermissions at top tier Broadway shows 

Losing at Chess to the homeless 

The drugs at Mens Fashion Week in Milano

Live Storying from Rich people's company planes

Seeing How many Van Gogh's I can touch at the Musee Dorsay before explaining to Security I have an emotional support card allowing me to do so

Giving mediocre handjob's to my husband at Snooty restaurants 

Drunk BookClub with the rejects from Harvard Westlake and Nightingale

Poking fun of the Koreans secret CIA language during Pedicures

 Crustless Tea Sandwiches at the George Sanc

Practicing My Arabic with Cab Drivers 

Love and Booze in the Time of Corona

Ok so I thought the quarantine was going to only be a few weeks and would resurrect my blog and then go back into my lifestyle of bulimia and self hate but it seems we are all still stuck with our husbands and children.
Corona Weekly Fast Facts

1. If you offer your supermarket checkout lady cookies and beer the karma will return 3 fold
2. Tucker Carlson is so sexy
3. No time for racism of the Chinese; when there is so much room for self hatred which in turn can be used productively like Weightloss and disturbing art projects

Corona Beauty Tips to stop looking like a date Raped Frida Kahlo

I don't know about you, my contemporary creme de la cremes, graduates of elite universities that you smuggled your way into without photoshopping yourself rocking the coxen position as this is lesbian- and are now moronic executives at non for non profits that serve great amuse bouches and have board members that have blown up countries. Chic Cest La Vie Cest bon Cest Bon- But I really look heinous. And worse than usual.

I have not had my Botox by Groupon teeth whitening by Dr Apa Barrys Bootcamp, hair trim Frederik Fakiki vagina wax vagina tightening eyebrow thread slutty bridge and tunnel French manicure with a side of a dirty green tea footscrub in like 50 days, and I only spend money on this instead of my Roth IRA because the return is better and Im an instant orgasm gratification kinda skank.

I would say this look is reminiscent of a date raped Frida Kahlo and frankly Im alarmed.

No matter how Rich or how poor  I think I am I have always relied on  bulimia la mer squats rough sex salad nicoise  cigarettes the New York post and large marinate Olsen Starbucks coffee as the key ingredients to the fountain of youth and intelligence,
but alas without several of these ingredients whats a lazy well bred alcoholic with light stalker tendencies and a penchant for child porn to do?

I have done all of these and am looking better let me know your thoughts

-mash avacado and jizz all over public hair
-shave eyebrows with thin razor
-set fire to your split ends
-tape your face with packing tape for botox
-ice your nipples and eyes with vodka or ice cubes for an awake look
- use hemmoroid cream as moisturizer

Corona Concerns

What Im most concerned about this outbreak is going back to normal life. I am not sure about you but  I have thoroughly enjoyed not brushing my teeth or hair, not going to work, watching porn at 10am and only interacting with the illegal speakeasy run by Arabs so that I can practice my Arabic with my flashcards. So far I have learned to say I love my sister because we share clothes! I prefer democracy and what about you (formal)

I was watching MSNBC because it is crucial to hear the other side besides the fair and balanced and it occurred to me that I was in good hands as Americans love a good white girl gone missing and a panic. Plus Nancy Pelosi is often on and I love her pearl and red moments. Other than that please give me all of your money and go back to the South of France and shut the fuck up PeSi.

Alas, it does seem clear that we will come out of this Pandemic, which is kind of sad, as I love a good end of the world with cute population control and Im concerned about the following

the high yield bond markets and my roots growing in

that I still cannot find my clit

That my Roth IRA has plummeted

That I still cannot drive or give great head

Corona Schedule In Sickness and in Wealth Till Death Due us Part

11am: Wake up; Chant the Courtney Love Buddhist Chant “Nam-myoho-renge-kyo! Nam-myoho-renge-kyo! which prays for the safety of Monks and Struggling Start up Drug Cartels, Neo Nazis, and American Money Launderers. 

1115: Scream Profanities out the Window Naked with a full bush 

12pm: Take adderal and mix it with peanut butter and tumeric and garlic and lemon and tasti delight that I smuggled before the quarantine and do the Alexis Neisers from Bling Ring Law of Attraction Prayer And So it Is. Share half with my dog. 

1pm: Submit old New York School of American ballet videos of me dancing to  various high end child pedophile blogs 

130: Do a yoga video instagram live that includes high energy kickboxing inbetween the moon salutations to my followers and preach incorrect facts about meditation in the hopes I seep into their sub conscious and start a cult. 

2pm: Paint Chanel symbols and Swastikas on my mask to go to the grocery store. Buy orbit gum and extra diet coke for the grocery store ladies who have become some of my best friends. We gossip about life in the ghetto and are starting a book club, and Im taking the ladies to Barrys when it opens. They are nervous about the sprints. 

4pm: Go to the liquor store and buy out all of the cloudy oyster crime scene wine under 25 dollars. You snooze you loose. Pay for it in quarters and use my Fake ID even though Im old enough to be his sister and he didnt ask for it. 

430pm: Zoom with psychiatrist who tells me I owe her 800 dollars. I ask her if she will take bitcoin and pesos and Moroccan dollars. She says ok. 

530pm; Chainsmoke outside the Met grateful that I do not have to go inside and remember all the wikipedia facts about Van Gogh's early childhood and personality disorders

6pm: Go home and set 3 peppers on fire with mustard and eat them. The fire department comes and one of them is hot in a didnt go to college fuck my parents I like meth and burning stuff  sort of way, so we smoke a joint and watch an episode of Full House in my jacuzzi 

8pm: Ask my poodle to massage my clit. She says no but feels bad. 

830pm: Journal that Im grateful that work and the court house are still closed. 

See you at The St Regis as soon as it opens. 

Quarantine Classes that are not being offered

Good Evening; I use this term lightly as I still have my sleeping mask on my head that says Rich Cunt in Arabic  and I'm drinking a martini out of hand sanitizer and toilet paper and paprika and its to die.

Ok, So as you you know my ex-stepdaughter -the one I had with the Sultan with the poorly decorated home in St Tropez and the Jet,  matriculates USC Kappa Kappa Rim Job and allegedly roomed with Lori Loughin's high critically acclaimed youtube sensation of a child who gave makeup tutorials that impress A-Listers like Monica Lewinsky and Marcia Clark and Cardi B's colleagues from her old job.
So much to say about this hilarious scandal but its for another time as we are of course in a bio-genic anesthetic pandemic.

But truly madly deeply savage garden, Im aghast, I got into the college the regular way. Obviously I am a true genius but no one could see this as I am white and lazy.  So I paid a well dressed bureau kittyKat at City Hall  to find an Indian relative on the Mayflower- whilst simultaneously sexting everyone on the Board of Admission and bought them a wine I made in my bathroom and stuck an expensive label on it that I painted with Opi nail polish.

So since the ex-step kid and I still chat - we are self quarantining together since school's out.

Un-naturally, we have a special relationship, even though she gets mad at me when I steal her vibrator.  She loves me as I buy her drugs and do her taxes and teach her fun tricks  like how to avoid restraining orders and how to flirt with people in prison. They'll be out soon ya know as I always tell her.

Alas, since she is home with me and the dogs and the white Tigers I got faxed,
She is doing this online learning and the classes in the typical liberal media elite fashion are nothing but a waste of time and space, much like grandparents. So much for the 250,000 of my ex-husbands money that could have been used for much more important causes having to do with me.

It inspired me to gather a  phenom curriculum of a course load and lecture topics that are much more suited for the Real World (MTV).

1. Is it acceptable for Jews to listen and enjoy Wagner Opera?

2. The psychological dynamics of interracial couples of our time re 1992-2009

3. How to make poison

4. How sex traffickers recruit profit and organize

6. How to have a meaningful exciting and passionate sex life after 5 years of marriage without viagra, a mistress, or a pool boy equivalent

7. The role of the Middle East conflict in Homeland, 24, The Wire, Boy Meets World, and Curb your Enthusiasm

8. Why  Lee Radziwill would have been a better first lady and where to find her clothes. One lecture can be devoted to who killed JFK.

9. Law of Attraction, Black Magic, Karma, and New Age Wealthy White Girl Spiritual Journeys

10.  How to appropriately speak to people who clearly have less money than you i.e Bergdorf Salesgirls, Janitors at the White House, et ad nauseam

11. Manipulate people without having sex with them

12. Why did LC not take the summer internship in Paris

13.  Profiles of successful assassins and white collar felons who have not been caught and are still on the run

14. Conspiracy Theory 101: Was 9/11 an inside job? Who killed Whitney Houston? Is Barron Trump retarded? Are chemicals in the water at the Ritz in Paris turning people gay? Was bhutros Ghali replaced by a clone?

15. What does Private Equity mean and how can it help me?

UnFamily Friendly Quarantine Activities

1. Take a bubble path, light a joint, paint your toes gold, and put on smooth jazz, read erotica

2.  Bedazzle politically incorrect symbols and hang them on your door

3. Make up a sexy dance for your dad

4. Change all of the mailbox names

5. Make marijuana brownies for your UPS delivery folks doormen and favorite Duane Reade Cashiers! but make sure you tell them! (some of them)

6. Make a mood board of what your life should have looked like 3 years ago

7.  Write a letter to a prisoner with a huge following and ask him to write back re Harvey Weinstein, Terry Nichols, Mahoum Salim (alqueada founder), Eric Rudolph, The shoe bomber,  a woman who killed her husband and wife, and say whoever rights back first you will fill their canteen and send People Magazine and Town and Country

8. Get a black hospital mask and paint dollar signs in white out on it or easy Chinese phrases

Concerned about the State of the American Marriage: Netflix and Chill: You cant afford Hannity and are Cold

So I totally understand that people are dying and wearing ugly masks and that the Sarah Jessica Matty Brod play may be cancelled, the real New York Trag, but Im concerned of the quarantine for marriages who do not have homes the size of Mohammed Hadid.

Not that I ever care about anyone, anything, or any animal except myself and my dog and my housekeeper that only comes once a week. After the recession of 2016 of my third divorce she only comes once a week reminiscent of a 20 something white girl in Murray Hill or Franklin Lakes- and the bond is just not the same no matter how much I tell her about my art projects and my tasteful porn collection.

Alas; The American Marriage has become a mediocre sexless dreadful tax efficient creation collage of sheer tragedy boredom and weak domestic violence re plastic forks. We have become so uninteresting and un sexy that the 2020 American Marriage is a melange  of Dinner, Joint, Flannel, Jeopardy, Stranger Things, Ambien, Gratitude Journal, and solo masturbation once a week and Im alarmed.

The notion of "netflix and chilling" already sounds like a poor person
 As why would you advertise to your closest friends and fauxes that you don't pay for proper cable like our parents, and chilling sounds like you do not have enough social prowress to pretend to get off the waiting list at Raos or sit courtside of an arbitrary game of young black folks or get on a blade. Or that you dont own a thesaurus, as quite frankly it sounds like you are not watching Hannity and are Cold.

More importantly, if you are simply watching free television in your underwear and not having sex this is wildly disconcerting.
Its bad enough that this generation does not look people in the eyes to insult and lie, but instead stare into their phones and insult and lie thru the electronic means of choice, DUH. 

but if we are not able to communicate with our spouse, who we are only with because of the sheer social annihilation of being a loner which then leads people to assume you are the next lone terrorist, or gay, or a gay lone terrorist,

 Then we will just become these lazy sexless creatures who do nothing but stare into the abyss of stories of lives of people better than us without challenging oneself to look within to your darkest deepest fantasies and get roughly fucked- Princess Diana and her Bodyguard style.

Sex is a lot of work, but so is being a boring dried up woman who knows more about the Kardashians than her own clit.

Just because I didnt go to medical school does not mean I dont know what Im talking about;

So one of my best friends, Lara Trump, Im sure you have heard of her, Eric Trump's wife, and I met in 8th grade art class at Chapin and lost touch after she denied cheating off of my tutor's paper put then became re acquainted again when we met in the waiting room of a renowned plastic surgeon who accepts quarters and Amex and Groupon in New Jersey and let bygones begone.

She and I are just positively amiss about Corona,  ish- but also love talking about Stranger Things, but luckily she hired me to an Ambassador of Chemical Energy to France which means I can finally put my Celine boots and botox to use at an office.

In this new position, I am given access highly privileged highly secretive highly confidential information that Im so excited to share with you, because whats the point of having access to highly classified information if you cant impress people who have a better social standing than you?

1. no one knows what the fuck is going on, but people start listening when you take away basketball and casinos, and the opera.

2. The online sales are insane which is amusing considering one has no wear to wear it and by the time we can all leave quarantine to resume our extra martial affairs the chanel bags will be covered in dust mites and period blood and limencello

3. The White House is planning an amazing Easter Bunny Bash and we are still in talks to get DMX and Ja Rule to perform for the children and settle their differences once and for all.

4. Dr. Fauci is loving his renowned fame, and me and the interns found his 80s sitcom failed  auditions for Whos the Boss until his parents told him they would give all of his trust fund to his better looking brother if he didn't go to Med School.

5. Melania Trump is reading Gone Girl and loves it.  I also took a look in her bath cab and she only had claritin ernest, Lazlo, a few dusty rose chanel lip glosses, and cholestrol medication,  and dark chocolate laxatives that look expensive given the wrapping.

Quarantine From the Swiss Alps

Nothing gives me more Sound of Music Vibes than skiing with my ex-husband in my Groupon Chanel skis and  tulle Cardi B ski goggles. We are on court ordered good terms for this profitable politically in correct joint business venture. We were never quite a sexual match as he couldn't get it up on account of him being 90 and account of me writing hate letters to his children's mother due to insecurity and unresolved childhood trauma manifesting in a borderline stalker disorder but with the ability to give great head. More on this later.

I feel I  channel Baronness Shraider, (sp) the unsung hero playing Julie Andrews' arch nemesis who liked Von Trapp for his Big D and that phenom staircase.  Ah what a time to be alive, I am so truly blessed, grateful, and hashtag reflective and meditative on how healthy me and my family are considering the trying times of the oceans and the environment and that Im in attempt to have them all committed to a (gluten free) mental institution with a good wine list and better waiting list.

Anyway, my very own Von Trapp is nothing like the one in the movie meaning that he loved my singing from the GetGo and is a die Hard Nazi Symp a thiz er ; but nevertheless, we have opened a hotel out here to raise money to buy me a Birkin and donate the remaining funds to teen mothers with poorly decorated homes, a charity close to my tush.  Because its charity it qualifies as a 501c3 and I have no idea what this means but I all I know is that we don't have to pay taxes and can wear fur

We are also charging $500 to test for Covid, because if you are cool enough to have it, the Ex and I are always looking for new friends.  The stay ranges between 18000 and 21000 per night and No English allowed.  We wouldn't dream of being in that part of Swiss. Gross. A fairly decent price considering the staff do everything from wiping you before you flush, provide oral sex to your spouse or lover, and compliment your artistic pursuits

Dont confuse this hotel with Bijou Hotel and resort, this one is called Bijoint.

Corona Dictionary

Working Remotely = not working at all except for Drug Dealers which seem to be painfully absent from everyone's Thank You Workers list.

flatten the curve - big tushes are over

Social Distancing  = Kindly never speak to me again, unless your'e an Olsen twin

Business is closed= Thank Goodness as cannot stand being Harassed by those snotty New Jersey influence wannabe sales girls at Alice and Olivia, but also the market has crashed so Joke is on myself. Hey Alice and Olivia, are you accepting resumes?

Sending in the National Guard = Government likes to fuck around

World Health Organization - Have Never heard of you before, please invite me to your cocktail

PPE- Pretty Penis Extraordinaire

Self- Isolation - ask the doorman to meet the drug dealer outfront since I Kindly cooked him pretzels dipped in non dairy super fudge and my vagina when I *accidentally took too many quaaludes but you just cannot put a price on kindness

Uranus is in Retrograde

Like I said in my earlier post, Quarantine and Corona are some of the greatest things to happen to an anti social asbergers bulimic alcoholic with kind  Christian values like Yours truly.

Here's why

- You can practice utilizing your pseudo  European upbringing by reminding people to stay 2 Meters away from you

- All of your social obligations with attractive well connected cunts and morons are cancelled and you can  donate to save the nearly extinct white cheetahs in the comforts of your own Jacuzzi without having to google obscure facts on the way with your driver to impress the Founders to secure a seat of the Board and never attend meetings but give a hand job to the bald one who votes Republican

- You can drink and do drugs in the morning in the shower

- You can swim in your aquarium

- You can give to charity with the soul expectation that you will get stuff in return from the universe  (not limited to Quarantine)

-You can practice Wicca, Crytals, Toeltic,  Shammanism, Astrology, and any wealthy white girl holistic spiritual practice and tell your husband its to keep you from eating or doing drugs ( not limited to quarantine) By the way I was born on the cusp of Leo Aquamarine and my Astrologist who also Astrologized Nancy Regan,  said I am gorgeous and that Uranus is in Retrograde


Here is my list  of Activities I have to do

-Phone sex with psychic

- dip in the aquarium

- buy 100 skittle packets and organize them in my Baccarat for Target high ball glasses by color

-masturbate to your dwindling stock portfolio

-make a map of the US with the quarters from 2002

- make up a dance routine to a mash up of DMX Y'all going to make me lose my mind and the Pytor Tchaikovsky Swan Lake opening scene.
        Side note I am friends with Pytor's granddaughter who is a total mongloid freak of nature pre corona and only got the part of Odeille  because she slept with the predator of the Met to get the part, but I heard she's getting a divorce and her child got kicked out of Horace Mann for bringing Veuve Cliquot to the school picnic.

- Make an artistic collage of Corona Bottles and Lexapro and Viagra as a perverse but totally unclear statement regarding Health Care and the US as a society

See You at The St Regis. I heard its only open if you have Corona. Stay 2 meters away from though.

Its 8am and I desperately want Corona, both the beer and the disease.

Good Evening Men and Women, as I naturally refuse to use any other pronouns, unless you have a Jet,

Like the great child actress of our time Amanda Bynes, I go in and out of retirement of blogging dependent on my mood stabilizers

But alas, this outbreak of Covid 19 has brought out a wave of  hand sanitation -inspiration reminiscent of Reagan's forceful sexual intensity to destroy the Sandistas at the Ritz Carlton or whatever in Nicaragua #FuckCommunism #JustSayNo

But before you get your La Perla thongs in a twist of orgasm and excitement. Cool your jets; I will only be here during this quarantine as I imagine the citizens of St Tropez, Juan Les Pins, The Carlyle, and other Cosmopolitan Cities have nothing better to do than slit their wrists to their (husbands) plunging stock portfolio and fantasize about murdering your children than to read pretentious bogs.

Alas, normally I live under a diamond  69 carrot Rock, but when Marjorelle and Le Bernadin  Raos and Chateau Marmount have a sign out reading "Nous somme fermes" which is French for we are closed, was when it became crystal meth clear that this is way more serious then a couple of China folk getting sick.

Alas, the coronavirus is here and even though Bergdorf Goodman is closed, I want it

I desperately want Corona, both the beer and the disease. It is the ultimately 2020 accessory for several reasons. Only the creme de la creme have it re Any Cohen, Wealthy African Americans who Play basketball, well dressed Ambassadors of Arbitrary Countries, and the highly critically acclaimed blogger Arielle Charnas and even though she did not go to a school that was possibly the basis for GOSSIPGIRL, she has an eating disorder  a wealthy husband and ipso facto is huge in my book. When you have it and announce it the world, it tells me that you have literally been rubbing elbows with the highest society of fabulosity.