October Resolutions

chainsmoke in the shower,
 construct my terrorist halloween costume,
 apply for the apprentice conductor/mistro position at the metropolitan opera, 
start a political campaign against the Green Party,
 get drunk with the janitor with the lazy eye, 
make a highly dramatic statistical report of the correlation between how high one's g.p.a is  to the amount of blow job received per month.

Completed Tasks

first name basis with both pharmacists at Rite Aid

ordered my third set of business cards with glitter around the border that Reads my name address number and ELITE PROVIDER under it

returned Bristol Palin's 7 missed voice mails (wants to know if I can babysit, I CANNOT)

brushed my teeth, refuse to floss

had 3 shots of patron with my tofu wrap at lunch

set my trashcan on fire with my glitter lighter and quickly poured perrier over it,

pretended it was 1998 for 5 hours and watched a sabrina the teenage witch marathon and crimped my hair

ordered more herbal pills online 

I fired my dermatologist and hired Janet Sartin

My derm is hot. She is Asian, skinny, has a golden retriever, gives me good recipes for Margaritas and was an Alpha Chi Omega at UF,. Do not know what the last means but I believe it is in some reference to slutty girls who eat omega 3's and fatty acids.  So while she has criteria for being in my inner circle and has semi skinny receptionists who order lunch from dean and deluca and wear tiffany bracelets from 2001, she sucks. She was written up in New York Magazine as a top doctor, and Im sure on the basis that she is skinny, uses big words, wears jimmy choo's with her lab coat and enjoys name dropping B- List clientele. The fact is she refused to give me botox and prescribed accutane twice which didnt work most likely because I sold most of it and the rest I snorted. My skin cleared up the old fashion way, smoking skinny cigarettes,  eating vegetables, and peroxide. Needless to say, its uncomfortable when I see her at the clubs, which leads me to my very important realization that when a staff member is of the same socioeconomic status, the line between friend and employee drops like its Studio 54 in 2010. (non existent). So like most doctors, I no longer see her and resort to Nancy Reagan skin products like Janet Sartin.
Janet Sartin. A family secret where there is only one office, the products are not available online, the clientele is strictly people who are worth 500 grand and weigh under 110 pounds. My kind of jam, its like the skull and bones of Dermatology. SExual.

Full 8 hours of sleep

I do not like to sleep. I dream too hard. Usually my dreams consist of train kidnappings that lead to trap doors that uncover a pile of cocaine. I always end up naked on a row boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with the Ceo of General Mills beside me. The subconscious is a scary place and mine especially. I usually am too preoccupied to sleep, disconsidering my heavy medications I am too busy thinking about how I can become friends with more rich people. Its extremely time consuming.
I fear my own subconscious that sends  me messages that a quack would probably analyze as Daddy issues sauteed in dependency for anti- depressants thus I choose to resort in other activities essential to taking over the world.
However, when friends/ hook up buddies/  family members call you in the hours between the hours of 4- 8 am I must rethink my non sleeping rituals. I call these the dark hours, no one wants to shoot the breeze, ask how your day is, or ask what club you plan on buying a table at. The dark hours usually involve a combination of drugs a booty call or a horrific credit card bill. I.E drugs, sex, or money. I obviously worship the holy trinity, but not when it comes at my expense. So I have resorted to self hypnotizing myself sleep with a combination of herbals that I got off of the internet by a licensed practitioner between the dark hours so I can avoid the holy trinity when it is inbenficial to me.

Freshman Year: Wannabe Lesbians

 My freshman year I attended a school for wannabe lesbians,I call it the school for wannabe lesbians because most women who enter this institutions are lovely long blonde haired respectful republicans straight girls who play tennis and enjoy water skiing. They leave as spiky short pixie pink haired individuals who vote for Ralph nader and no longer are penetrated. They look down upon designer clothes with distaste and make comments from 1994 such as "you could save a 3rd world country with your multicolored pucci scarf". First of all, no you could not. perhaps you could provide a family with a few ooki sushi rolls but that about covers it.

 I thankfully did not chop off my hair, stop being obsessed with my Gucci bag that had G's all over it (tasteful), or start dating a woman. Thats not to say that I didnt attend my fair share of lesbian gatherings or sit in the back of Bisexual self help groups on campus and ask lots of questions, but most definitely a lot has changed. Its nice to know that while I suffered a minor liberal save the world identity crisis, the glitter therapy girl was still deep inside me. 

I also was under the illusion that student government gets things done and is an important part of university community. So naturally I became President of my Dorm under the campaign that I would provide Sex therapy and Pilates lessons. Clearly I won with an unbeatable campaign strategy. I learned a lot from the wannabe lesbians and Im thankful for my experience. I now have even stronger understanding that sexuality in university is dependent upon those around you, being a democrat means loving poor kids and not wearing designer labels, and running political campaigns based with a sexual platform leads to success. 

family rules

1. exercise till you cant stand up
2. if the maitre d is someone you would not say hi to on the street do not attend the restaurant
3. the FT is to be read everyday without fail. Its also fine not to know how to read as long as you use big words
4. Eat almonds
5. Vote Republican, unless its before 1960
6. Take Vitamin C
7. Never pack your own bags
8. Only fly British Airways
9. Be fluent in a language you can speak in Western Europe, good accent not required
10. Fart
11. one nanny per child,
12. accurately describe the body of wine
13. Be able to name the Verdi trilogy
14. the Hamptons are over

While we are on the subject

Its NOT ok to

1. do things that directly infringe on my own individual liberties.

Hey its, MORE THAN OK TOO...

I love that section in Glamour Magazine called "Hey Its OK" and it tells you things that are ok to do. It gives me a good laugh because normally the suggestions go something like, skip exercise! tell your friend that you do like those earrings! Not babysit for your sister AGAIN. Its like, excuse me, NO KIDDING? Are the types of readers uptight prudes who spend all day doing charity work and then pick up glamour during a smoke break and breathe a sigh of relief that Glamour says its ok to not go down on your boyfriend and make him go down on you tonight? They are so lame.  Here's MY list of Hey! its ok to..

1. sleep with someone if you are sure you get a bracelet/earrings/ tickets to the opera where you will be photographed out of it

2. pretend your phone doesn't work

3.  Hook up with co- workers (at work)

4. eat trans fats, as long as its under hun cal

5. wake babies from naps 

6. not wash hands after bathroom

7.  tell everyone that the Iliad isn't really its all cracked up to be even though you haven't read it nor know who its by. 

8. be a stripper for a while 

9. tweet alot 

10. watch porn on  your laptop on the airplane

adapting to the lack of Champagne in the sports bar

Its difficult to find Champagne in sports bars, which poses a problem. Men are in sports bars. I drink champagne. So my solution is bring the champagne to the sports bars. This would look appear like I am coming down with a strong case of alcoholism to carry booze in my coach clutch but then again its champagne. Is the lack of the bubb some sort of crime against me trying to be a socialite? I am all for being so chill, so cool, so down with the scene and adapting to my surroundings like a chameleon. For example, when surrounded with my Catholic bros I do not comment nearly as often as I normally would how good it feels to be chosen. Or in Israel I do not randomly strike up conversations about how excited I am for the possible interior decorating choices of the Mosque at Ground Zero but instead about hummus and the brilliance of the Western Wall and the Legacy of Rabin. I am adaptable but I do draw the line somewhere.

Some of my contemporary philosophers ask, Isnt this a drink for 40 year olds? what are you going to to when you are 40? First of all, I still plan on dancing on tables, kissing up to bouncers, and swinging from trapezes when Im 40 so Im just preparing myself for whats to come. And also, according to Gossip Girl, acting like you are 40 is very in so I am way ahead of the crowd. And while on the subject of cocktail of choice, its sexy to have a signature. Its always what I want. Champagne is part of my signature, just like having no cash, always having my amex, skinny cigarettes, dirty purses and mini snickers. Its part of me its who I am. Its my inner soul. And why shouldn't it be?
Champagne symbolizes celebration. Celebration leads to attempts at seduction, which make for some great blog entries. Party in the Club, Bottle full of Bubb, is 50 once said, and its a true statement.

Personal Injuries

Because of the frequent amount of stress in my life,  papers, exams, taxes, unbedazzled items, lack of personal jurisdiction on most people I want to sue, I sometimes go for a light jog in dangerous neighborhoods to make me go faster. I also enjoy the extra adrenaline rush. I suffer from extreme hypochondria, so running also eases my stress. To my retarded readers, hypo is when you think you are always or about to be become very deeply ill. This addition to my list of disorders is about a week old but I found it has led to a much healthier life style. I now would never smoke a blunt that someone else has nor would I re use a condom.
So naturally I injured myself in the inner thigh arena that makes in extremely difficult to put on pants. I was a bit hesitant about seeking personal health services in a third world country but I really had no choice. What I love about new doctors offices are the forms. There is nothing more fulfilling and amusing than checking off all of the mental disorders I suffer from and plan on suffering from. Sometimes I check both insomnia and epilepsy just to make sure they are paying attention. I also do not know what epilepsy is but I am sure I am coming down with it. Hypochondria ensues. I also make sure to add my cup size, how many virginia slims I smoked that day, and when I last made out with someone. Now, I have a strict check list of physician approval and it is difficult to make the cut. The office did not take amex which already is a huge red flag. When I am in America, I expect you to take American Express. Visa to me sounds like I am some sort of immigrant and mastercard sounds unfeminine. What about missescard?  This gentleman doctor had a southern accent, which reeks of ignorance and racism, 2 qualities I have so I let this slide. 2ndly, I immediately informed him that my injury was not from sex but it actually was from my jogging in bad neighborhood routine.
He then told me a story of his last patient who had had sexual intercourse with a black guy while doing a split and was injured. Um, Im not really sure why he felt the need to share this? Perhaps to show he was down with it? O, the best part was he called the black guy a man of different affluence which is like calling a bitch a popular girl. Tell it like it is, no need to sugarcoat the situation.
I have not yet decided how I feel about this guy.
His office was big enough to have sex in pro
receptionist was fat con
enjoys telling me about other patients sex life pro
hes married con
Not enough information to make a conclusive judgement. As for how Im feeling? Should get back to my jogging from rapists routine in no time

Are Manolo Blahniks over?

I know close to nothing about fashion. I know that Karl L. is like the Moses, Muhammad, Jesus, Hindu god of fashion which gives me hope that I too can speak in broken english, wear sunglasses at night, and strictly wear a ponytail to rule the world. My fashion sense goes like this: high heels, push up bras, sparkles, and tiara's are hot.I have not decided how I feel about thongs. They definitely look hot if one's ass is not deflated and the material is made of lace or satin.  When I was 10 I bought a thong with a condom pocket at my horsebackriding camp at Lake Placid during a trip to the mall and wrote a letter to everyone including my grandparents telling them all about it. I was very aware of the connection between sexuality and fashion at a young age, but I still miss the connection between fashion and fashionability. I would love to work in fashion because fashion is art which leads to knowledge which leads to pretentiousness which leads to the swank lifestyle. I personally see nothing wrong with red leather pants, tube tops, belly shirts, pastel colors, capris at night, and leopard print matched with stripes.Clearly I have some work to do, which has lead me to this blogs title. I dont read vogue, elle, harpers, or any of their UK versions as most of these articles about how to dress change as often as my mood swings, and I clearly have enough instability in my life.  My question is important, are Manolo's over? During Sex and the City the shoes were the equivocal symbol of confidence, a good sex life and either a rich guy or no month's rent to deal with as a consequence. Now that the girls are married, boring, menupausal,  and are no longer interesting, what about the shoes? There are no programs that young women can watch to learn about how to dress like you are having a lot of sex, have a good career, are well read and are classy about it. So where should women turn who are on the verge of their socialite status? I may have to ask my sister or start reading Vogue and monitor my mood swings.

here is what I did this weekend,

shaved vaginal area whilst semi intoxicated,  masturbated with the door open, wore gucci sunglasses in a homeless shelter and donated 6 boxes of cinnamon toast crunch, light kegels, practiced vacuuming, sent a video to taylor swift's musical agent of my backup dancing audition, booked a trip to Tahiti for Spring break

Here is what I did not do this weekend
eat vegetables, wear underwear, write on Nanci Pelosi's fanpage, visit the Louvre, construct a diabolical scheme to seduce Anderson Cooper

Coke or Pepsi Challenge?

I frequently put cups of Andre and cups of veuve into two separate glasses to test myself to ensure I know the difference. So just incase you sneaky readers are planning an ambush to try to pin me as a fake wannabe neurotic social climbing socialite, I am very ready and armed, with my bedazzled gun of course.

Would you personally be affected if?

The United Nations was non existent? Lindsay Lohan cleaned up and was sober the rest of her life? there were more black kids on commercials? It was easier to find crystal meth? All your print outs this week were double sided? Your boyfriend took a 3 day vacation in the woods to find himself and came back and nothing changed?

It is a serious waste of time to

1.Talk about the war in Iraq, afghanistan and Iran are more au courant
2. read the Deuteronomy section in the Torah, the other 4 is where the action is
3. know the difference between the Classical and the baroque period, its the same
 4. visit the mall of America, all the stores are online or in town
5. use your sisters divorce lawyer, why would she get you a better deal than her?
6. sue for full custody, you'll get joint unless you have videotape of the abusive spouse
7. have sex with ex's, not the same
8. seek anger management, its what makes you you!
9. stop smoking, Sorry Did you want to gain 5 pounds and meet less people out?
10. tell the truth to your mom, truth like old age, hurts, dont make it worse

wearing makeup is a good thing

When I don't wear makeup people ask me how much it is to attend University, thereby implying that I somehow have this problem as well.

My best friends are the help

This blog is not about maids, it is about my admittance of enjoying the finer things in life while loving all people of different shapes and sizes, as long as they arent fat. Its really important to me to change my identity on a daily basis. Most would consider this some sort of a borderline skitophrenic personality disorder, but I consider it a journey of self discovery whilst on the brink of full on adulthood. Sometimes I pretend I am like Alexis from the real housewives of the O.C who worships god, plastic surgery, and having lots of maids. Other days I like to channel my inner Rachel Zoe and wear big sunglasses and carry around a Venti and judge people on their Herve Leger dresses that are so boring and disoriginal.

My all time favorite personality for right now is the one where I am a series of contradictions. I like Traviata and R. Kelly. Caviar and Tasti delight. Target and Missoni for Target. Heidi Montag and Grace Kelly.  I am often criticized for acting too snobby. Here is the thing about my so called snobbiness. Yes I enjoy veuve cliquot and standard poodles and room service. But I certainly do not choose my friends based on their parents dis/abilities to give them the lifestyle they deserve. I just probably wouldnt date them. I am not snobby, I am simply aware of my surroundings and frequently choose to comment on them. I define snobby as looking down upon others if they were not raised the same way you were. How could I possibly be accused of being snobby when most of my best friends are maids? In fact most rich children are spoiled self entitled materialistic individuals who think the world revolves around them, which isnt cute and I noticed that most of them are fakes. They probably do not know the difference between Rwanda and Darfur. (neither do I) Manners go a long way and that is what should be most valued in a person. Do have a nice day, and say hi to your grandmother.

How bout them Yankees? Is baseball Classy?

There is nothing sexier than being obsessed with the Yankees. Men running around chasing a ball reminds me of dogs, which immediately makes me feel very powerful.  Here is what I know about the yankees, They win every game, the players date celebrities and loving the team further establishes New York Pride. Carrie Bradshaw, even though she is a self obsessed financially unstable mediocre writer,does make some good points., She said that "anywhere you can drink at 2' oclock in the afternoon is ok by me".
You are certainly correct about this Ms. C. B. I also enjoy the comparison of the bases to sexual levels of how far you get.  Baseball is full of ironies, sexual innuendo's and provides an overall understanding of American society. They used to say that baseball is America's past time which has turned into eating which has turned into the war against obesity, but hey at least less kids are running away. That line I got from my favorite comedian, Whitney Cummings who is Skinny AND funny.

Rich and poor men love baseball, which presents a somewhat unsettling situation. I was under the impression that rich and poor are stone cold opposites yet this sport is a uniting factor. Mazel Tov. I did some research on this question of whether baseball, while definitely sexy is classy? I asked some top socialites in manhattan and this is what I discovered. The act of watching baseball is boring. All new Yorkers should do the YMCa during the 7th inning at one point in their lives. It is considered "different, unique, unlike the rest" when a woman can recall another player besides A-rod or Jeter. So Baseball is definitely sexy and a great date idea because you can drink and comment on how well the season is going as well as possible transfers that should be made, and as for classy? Show up for the 7th inning, do the YMCA, slap hands with some fellow fans. Lets go Yanks

Reminders

ask the CVS lady where she gets her acryllic nails done in the least sarcastic way as humanly possible


finish application for food stamps


Research Thesis on Why men watching porn is essential to a healthy sex life

Childhood Confessions

Earlier in this blog I wrote that I would not write about childhood because its boring. Children usually mean tears, sticky molasses hands, G rated cartoons, and incapability of expressing emotions in a systematic fashion.  However, my childhood had some interesting tidbits that can help psychoanalyze the neuroticfantastic hot mess out of control individual that is myself. As I admitted I was a strange child who frequently informed house guests that my dolls spoke to me.
Lets start with my first childhood cocktail. Single malt scotch. 3 years old. In my fathers study while reading Departures Magazine. I did not like it as it was disgusting but I kept drinking because I knew deep inside my soul that pain would lead to pleasure. And it did. I got to bond with my father and read about potential holidays in Bora Bora and Swaziland.

My first shopping trip, with my mother in Bloomingdales, it was the early 90's so it was before the shop became retarded and synonomous with Im from South Jersey but trying to look like I live in the West Village. Mother turned around and I was gone. She eventually found me in the back office on the lap of some gentleman who I believe worked in marketing. My poor mother was in near hysterics but I had found my career calling. Sitting on gentlemen's laps distracting them from their work. I found it hilarious.

My first boyfriend. I was at Elite Camp pathfinder in the Hamptons. Park Avenue drives to the beach and invests on the way. Did not relate to these children and was constantly correcting their grammar. My first boyfriend was the owner of the camp's son. I aimed high at a young age and he asked me to marry him in the pool. Blonde blue eyed waspy, owned cocker spaniel, great at the doggy paddle. Unfortunately, he dumped me for the red head who was good at backhand. I have never been the same since

Best friend Criteria

I can be a challenge. I come with a lot of personal baggage, I tend to cry a lot, make dramatic scenes, threaten lawsuits, and am extremely needy. If you are part of my inner circle it is highly likely that I speak to you three times a day, know what you are wearing, what you ate, last time you masturbated, and your overall net worth. Crazy? Overbearing? Unnecessary? Lack of boundaries? Maybe, but this works for me. Boundaries are some non existent intangible idea of personal space that only leads to bad things. I would like to be part of these bad things.

Of course because of the criteria, very few are willing to make the cut, but for those who do I cherish every molecule of every atom of their soul.For my highly neurotic personality I need a group that understands these rules and is more than willing to comply. Its hard to find people like this and I can tell you I have had many a tantrum when one who I thought was in my circle simply could not keep up. This may sound high maintenance, and of course it is, its funny how I can be so high maintenance yet somehow never make my bed, put away my clothes, turn off the lights, wear a bra, or do my own homework. Just another irony I suppose.
 But despite the high demand and physical toll it takes on the individual the  the benefits of being my best friend go beyond anyone's wildest fantasies. If you were in mexico in Jail on a drug bust and I was having relations with the top CEO on the top  and you needed bail, I would physically get up, and be on the next flight with bail and champagne. If your boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with you, I would literally personally go to his/her office and make copies of all important documentation and sue them for everything they have on the basis of extreme emotional distress and clearly they are a ridiculous threat to society.

Awkward

I challenge this generation to stop using this word. Maybe you will stop being so awkward. Its annoying spelling, not sexy to say, and never leads to a good party. Take this word out of your vernacular verbatim.

New member to my staff

Its very important to have a staff on call. Most people in your life are your staff. If you are a university student, your professors technically work for you, because without you they would not have a job, unless they do research and enjoy eating low grade apple bee meals. Your manicurist is technically staff, as you employ her to paint your nails. I suggest considering that most people around you work for you, and trust that your self esteem sky rocket. I am by no means suggesting that you are rude, impolite, and make racial slurs in the presence of your staff. You never know who they may be and what they may be able to do for you in the future. Bill Gates once mowed lawns to have extra money (not sure if this is true) and J.K Rowling obviously wrote on napkins when creating her wizard sensation land.

I have taken the necessary steps to add a new member to my staff. Personal Security. It appears that in the strife and trials and tribulations of working towards becoming a top socialite/ World PEeace Organizer, you make some enemies. Not on my account of course, its not my fault that some girls decide to wear jean skirts and just a bra to bar. So if you do sadly find people that want to take you down, dont look at this as a sad excuse to cry because someone doesnt get the magic that exists deep inside of you. Instead, A. get happy that someone considers you worth their time to talk about you and make trouble. B. Hire personal security like myself. My new friend the cop. I text him when I get rude texts, when people piss me off, and when I generally feel that I could use somebackup. Take this plan and befriend someone in the police department of your local hood. The satisfaction you will feel when you tell someone not to mess with you as they will be hearing from your personal security is better than refilled prescriptions. 

If I were a rapper

I dont believe there are any classy white rappers, so for this blog post that is what my career is. My rapper name would definitely be NicOTINE STaIN. I would dress super conservatively, solely in white business suits, hair blown out, christian louboutins, and a diamond tiara.  My entourage would consist of my party planner, my dance crew which will consist 5 children each from different continents, and my standard poodle groomer. I would rap about the stock market, i.e its goin up up up up, its goin down down down down, BLoomberg,  russian literature i,e Tolstoy Chekhov are my homeboizzzz if I were Humbert Humbert I would try to seduce Lolita Too. yea yea yea yea. uh huh uh huh uh huh huh.  I would also rap about cooking, cleaning and pleasing my husband. I.e I dont want to no scrub, but I can scrub the floor. I usually burn down the kitchen when I make bolognase but Ill try once more.  And of course the trials and tribulations of SAT prep and babysitting to have extra money "for the movies". I will also rap in homage (pronounced like fromage) to my name about cigarettes and have at least one song dedicated to nicotine on every album. I will also constantly speak to the press about my tough upbringing and how I managed to escape my dangerous environment to follow my dreams. I will donate to wildly arbitrary charities such as the environment. The lyrics could clearly use some tightening but once the videos set in Ibiza with white tigers all around me to match my suit are in place, I promise you will believe in the vision.

expensive things where the money spent is better invested in the volatile stock market

mansion in iran, couples therapy, BeBe shopping spree, in vitro fertilization, grad school education, good housekeeping subscription, full set of Veronica Mars Dvds, table at Pink Elephant,

things that are expensive but worth it

soft core porn, the economist magazine, anti depressants, botox, urban decay makeup, traviata tickets, dolphins 

Indulge in your inner deepest desires..

Its part of life to fight compulsions. Why? I say indulge compulsions. I have the compulsion to lie, steal, cheat and do drugs. But since I am a Reagan worshipping Jewish neurotic C list socialite, I try to avoid these things unless of course I will be tagged.  Now I am not promoting illegal activity in this particular blog post. I am promoting following your inner desires to achieve your ultimate greatness. My question is, whatever one's compulsions may be, whether it is to cheat on your husband, drink lots of dry champagne or refuse to do homework on the I just dont feel like it and would rather watch Grey's principle, what cost does it have on our personal growth into to becoming magical delicious special individuals if we do not follow our strangest desires. Is suppressing our compulsions to do "bad" things interfering with our potential of becoming superstars? Most of my neurotic obsessed with being perfect friends fight their compulsions everyday in order to achieve what they think is doing the right thing to achieve the right goals. I assume their goals go something like having an enviable career, a rich husband, and cute children. But what about those who want those things but also want a lot more? I typically indulge most of my compulsions but I still find myself ignoring some of them. Sometimes I do not say hi to someone in the elevator for fear of social awkwardness. Or I don't approach a cute boy at a party because I think he has a girlfriend. My question to myself and to the rest of you who fight compulsions for fear of society's rejection.. Why lose the opportunity to meet someone amazing,  just because of because of fear? I challenge myself along with everyone else who follows the norms created by someone extremely lame who probably never watched soft core porn, to GO CRAZY. Talk to a strange man, strike up a conversation with a girl who dresses rich in the elevator, jump up and down in public. Wear a  black push up bra and a white collared shirt. striptease in front of your professor... opportunities are endless

Did u ever consider the notion?

1. Urkel would have been a lot less funny if he was white, especially while the rest of the Winslow's remained black?
2. Under the Tuscan Sun is arguably one of the greatest films of our generation?
3. Discussing goals of becoming a top new york socialite during job interviews does not get you the job?
4. If you take a xanax instead of zyrtex it will most likely still solve the problem?
5. If everyone had a pet dolphin most of people's issues would significantly diminish?
6. that guys hitting you at bars probably do not care that you are reading war and peace for the third time?
7. That they may care if you are reading Mein Kemph for the third time? Whoops
8. That most girls in bars are wearing forever 21? i.e they are not a threat
9. That sex sometimes is really bad? Especially if he/she is insistent on the old store clerk old lady fantasy?
10. That your computer saves your history even when you delete it?

What I think is Sexy

A man with confidence. I joke, I joke. Sexy obviously has hot body, a nasty ego, a polite driver, an affinity for cuban cigars and batman looking cars, a stepmother my age, and the ability to distinguish different strands of marijuana while simultaneously distinguishing a Moroccan accent from a french accent. He can also argue why the markets are so volatile and why the Soviet Union collapse could have been prevented if the following steps were taken...

This was not supposed to happen..

1. my overachieving tendencies supplied by my almost not really but basically-ish ivy league education  to overdo kegel exercises.

2. thought my mascara was my lipgloss

3. sent my resume and cover letter to my exboyfriend (use that term lightly, I consider him that but if you ask him he'll say he doesn't know who I am) instead of his father.

4. most definitely queefed but I coughed because Im classy

5. threw away my jury duty notice

6. said "wassup my NIG" to one of my very conservative african american friends because I forgot she was African American. Note: I wrote her a 1500 word letter on my bedazzled engraved stationary stating my apology of my racial slip that was not implied to be racist but a mere greeting of hello happy to see you.

Jews who Booze and Ronald Reagan

I would love to consider myself a classy socialite private plane flying pucci wearing international jetsetter, but perhaps a more accurate description would be a coach flying target wearing semi domestic traveler. For now. This is not to say that I have not had my fair share of International adventures, but recently it seems that most my travels have been within the confines of the free world. My next domestic trip planned is visiting the Reagan Museum in Simi Valley California with my father, one of his former employees and his daughter. This trip will combine my loves for family, booze, and conservatism. I, like Reagan support family values and small businesses, two aspects that are essential to my great American dream of becoming a top socialite. I do believe that Reagan himself would be impressed. I first became obsessed with the actor/president when my father informed me that the taxes were never as low as they were before in the free world when Regan was prez. I support everything that the Reagan administration accomplished, except of course for Nancy Reagan's say no to drugs campaign. I was truly destined to visit this library. It is my mecca. It is one of my five pillars.  It is my hajj. I found out about this library when a telemarketer called the apartment asking to speak to my mother about a donation to the library. I told her that my mother only supports Carla Bruni but I was interested to learn more about it. I proceeded to tell her all about how Reagan is the greatest american President and wrote my thesis on the success of the war on drugs and the freedom fighters (complete lie), not required to write a thesis. I harassed her for about 40 minutes and asked her if there was anyway I could meet the Reagan children (for the purpose of tagging them in photos) and then she pretended to have to take another call.

Her rudeness was forgivable, as I was set on my next domestic journey to Simi Valley California. I cannot wait to report on my marveling on the structure of the library and learning more about one of the best things to happen to America, and thus, me. 

Nirvana, Narcotics?

Every woman I know does yoga. And those that dont, tell me they do. And why shouldnt they? Its hip, its fresh, and its something else to do besides stalk ex's via facebook linkedin twitter socialdiary. For me, yoga represents all things I am against. I am against peace as anger, conflict, and frustration are what makes an interesting person. I do not like to breathe loudly or sing unless its lady gaga or r. kelly. Mostly, yoga is like communism, a great idea in theory but horribly fails in practice. For starters, I would like to preface my hate on yoga on severalfold: my downward facing dog looks like a weird sex twister like position gone terribly wrong, the teacher constantly comes over and adjusts me which is both arousing and discomforting, and I would really just rather be in child's pose the entire class, which negates the point of exercise. I actually know a lot about yoga, most of my family may as well be certified yoga instructors and some of the actual instructors are pretty much part of our family. Im really not meant for yoga, I lack the coordination, the patience, and the belief that one can achieve peace from a 2:30 p.m stretch. Personally I find inner peace when I have a full bank account and refilled prescriptions. So Nirvana, the enlightenment, where the soul is free from worldly possessions. Anything where the goal is to get away from champagne and diamond encrusted anything does not sound like inner peace but instead a full fledged anxiety attack.

True Confession #3

I absolutely love "using"my jacuzzi

True Confession #2

I have absolutely know idea why Iraq isnt considered an Arab country and also do not really understand the whole healthcare debate, but I love GOP

True Confession

I feign Amnesia when I have a paper due

Today's Genius'

OJ Simpson's lawyer
Angelina Jolie's adoption agent
Ben Bernake
Dakota Fanning
Elin Wood's divorce attorney
Michelle Obama's trainer for arms
Beyonce AND Solange Knowles
Lady Gaga's Shrink
Inventor of Plan B
Lean Cuisine
The Author of Freakonomics because he wrote a book NO ONE has read but EVERYONE pretends to have
Snooki
Suri Cruise's Stylist

RAGE.. Umm can you drink like a normal person? or at least talk about it like a normal person?

What is it with our generation's obsession with telling each other via facebook/brunch how hard they rage?  To my older readers, let me explain, as my paternal  grandmother once asked me what I was doing to which I replied Raging, she asked "what is the matter dear"? Raging includes but is not limited to  partying/drinking/hook up drunk/ dancing on unflat surfaces/ confessing your love to strangers while meaning it/ and taking lots of pictures with empty vodka bottles. There are 2 issues here. The first is half of you who claim how hard you rage have never had more than 3 beers over the course of 3 hours. The 2nd half of you are sloppy slutty depressed messes who give the modern millenium girl a bad name. Do yourself a favor and get yourself some anti depressants and a goal in life. As for the 2nd half of you pseudo partiers.. my question is WHY? Does saying that you blacked out so hard and went to the hospital and threw up on all of the nurses and slept with half of the low tier analysts at MerrilLynch make you interesting? Funny? Unique? Cute? Not really.. it kind of sounds like a desperate attempt to keep up with the rest of the crowd who ironically are just as sober as you.  Countless facebook album titles such as we are never sober, we rage harder than you know what and lets drink till we fall and cant feel feelings begs the question.. whats really so bad not with sobriety.. because I know thats bad.. but whats wrong will celebrating being little tipsy? a little buzzed?  slightly hammered if you will? I think J-Kwon said it best, "everybody in the club getting tipsy". There is no reason to advertise to the world how blackout drunk you and your friends are pretending to get. Doesn't make you funny or cooler or smarter or more sophisticated. But instead like you cant enjoy a party unless you do not know where the floor is. Id rather be a crazysexy cool party girl, than a slutty hotmess who cant see straight. Next time someone asks you over mimosas n muffins  how your night was.. instead of replying your usual blackout ridiculous epic ragetastic evening. Instead say, it was fun.. a lot of people were out.. there was more to drink then beer Thank god..her outfit was beyond heinous...he got hot after I found out he was Jewish and gets his T-Fund in two years...and so forth. This way you don't sound like a manic alcoholic, but instead someone who understands the important things in life.

Grinding..Dont try it with your dad...Unless he's exceptionally rich and hot

Ive always tried to be a dancer. My parents I assume could have gone broke paying for all my performing arts lessons as a child because even at the rough age of 7 I knew tap dancing was the key to success. When I realized that my coordination and hip thrusting incapabilities would not lead me to career as the white chick in Alvin Ailey Dance Company I was deeply saddened. Then I moved on to more productive uses of my time such as developing a taste for veuve cliqout christian louboutins and figuring out how to be a considered a sophisticated unpretentious intellectual. In this quest for sophistication, Ive taken a detour and gone clubbing. CLubbing serves two purposes- to hook up and take pictures. two things that I am obsessed with but am not very good at. So at the clubs everyone grinds- grinding is the type of dirty dancing rub up against each other type of movement. Whoever invented this clearly had me in mind. I have had several very unfortunate grinding events. I believe if Lemony Snicket were to write porn he would refer to them As a series of unfortunate Grinding events.
The first time
Bat Mitzvah: thought I was grinding with some curly nose to hava nagila and turned out he was grinding with someone else. Mazel TOv
The 2nd Time: High School House party with brownies
It was to City High and I tried to Lead and ended up falling over my platform wedges. Was not invited to the popular girls homes again nor have I ever eaten those brownies.

The 3rd Time
University Frat Party
Guy Tells me: You were better at this when you were DRUNK. Uh yea and you were better at fingering when I thought you were your twin brother.
Thus it appears as though my dancing skills are not as up to par as my readers, my classmates, my contemporaries, or Paris Hilton I am still having so much fun at the club grinding whether he is actually dancing with someone else, im falling over my shoes, or im better at it drunk Because as long as its photographed tagged and commented on..then damn Im on my way to gawkernewyorksocialdiaryperezhiltondlistedgossipgirl.com

Rude Racist and Politically Incorrect Q's

 how do you feel about not being white?
Are you pregnant with someone's child that you like?
Who is your abortion doctor?
Does it bother you that you are not classified as upper class?
Do you mind if you go to the party first and I might meet you there, maybe like half hour after?
Do you always shop at discount stores?
Why are there so few asian men in porn?
Do you use ecstasy sometimes rarely or often?
Do you always pay for sex?
How expensive are your hookers?
Are you sure you dont have std's?
Why is your med school ranked so low?
Do you mind that if I marry you, you quit your job and stay home with the kids/maids/fish?

This one time

Anyone who knows my inner organs knows that sometimes I make a scene. These scenes involve lots of tears cigarettes spitting foaming of the mouth and sprained ankles. Once I made a scene and picked up the phone and starting slamming it repeatedly. Then 2 seconds later a phone call came from 911 and asked if everything was ok. I AM NOT OK , I screamed DOES IT SOUND LIKE I AM OK? about 10 minutes later the cops came to see what the problem was. WHen they saw that it was one of my scenes I got a 50 dollar fine, which was a lot for a 6th grader and didnt tell my parents and was told never to slam the phone down like that again. I still have that cops card.

During one of my other scenes the doormen called and asked everything was ok as some neighbors were complaining. I told them to mind their own damn business and if they were so mad then they should come up and directly ask me what was wrong. Intimidation goes a long way..unless u accidently
 call the police and want them to show up and fine you. FML

Kissing Girls is HOT..get over it

Bisexuality is the new homophobia. The best is when one does not refer to this is bisexuality, but more and I love everyone whose hot uality. THose women who have never kissed girls because they are homophobic are behind the times, (see first sentence), those closeted frigid girls who have never done it should immediately grab their roommate/bff/coworker and try and remember to use tongue!!!, or those who are too scared should remember this...remember when you were too scared to walk down the aisle as a flowergirl and then you did it and felt like the star of the show? that was not so bad wasnt it? Kissing your friends not only makes you a better kisser, but makes you more sensitive, and allows for a good practice so that when someone you really want to kiss for true lust you'll be a rockstar. Hope you make out ok. 

Gossip Girl..

I know I know, this is supposed to be an intellectually sophisticated blog that chronicles my daily life experience but I have a couple of things to say about this televised genius. Sometimes I have to break of stalking the richest Russian/ Saudi Arabian Bachelors  or pouring vodka in the water bottles at CVS  or researching How to steal husbands, and relax with my flat screen that I paid for myself (NOT).  One thing is I love about the program is how insultingly realistic it is, aside from that blonde little biatch who would have been sent to rehab/juvi at least a season ago or that ridiculous Georgina character, who lets hope comes down with a horrid heroin addiction. but the parents' attitude, clothing, choice of words and neglectful parenting is so spot on accurate . Not that I would ever experience this as I stalk my parents every hour. As for the children. Stop acting like you are in serious relationships. Arent you all like 15? What you are experiencing are not relationships but attempts at mirroring the parents. Can we get rid of the dialog between Blair and Serena? They should be embarrassed for themselves. They sound like middle aged housewives pretending to be 40. I did appreciate the pseudo intellectual nod to impressionism and Avenue Montaigne in the opening season The show's dialog is starting to suffer from Dawsons Creek syndrome with too many monologues and not enough sexual action. and when there is sexual action its barely enough to turn my 7 year old cousin on except for the 3some scene last season with lizzie MGUIRE. That was HOTT. The plot line was cute in the beginning but now I just care about where they go.  The best part of watching Gossip Girl is going to the same restaurants they do and then complaining that everyone goes there now because it was on Gossip Girl.
and im sorry to say it, Blair's french accent was DEAD ON.

Overachiever is the new bulimia

SO throwing up used to make you thin?  and your community service trip to Costa Sanco Rico meula where you helped orphans got you into a top 10 university? well, just like throwing up, extra marital activities can only get you so far. Even though I promised I wouldnt talk about post grad plans as thats as pleasant as observing a rectal exam of your taxi driver, I feel like I have to say this. Overachieving, like bulimia, perhaps once got the job done, but no longer cuts it as eventually you will develop ulcers, rotten teeth, and a whole list of meaningless activities that mean little to nothing to your employers or to your parents friends that you are trying to impress. So heres the thing.. get skinny by going to pilates, eating spinach, recreational drug use, and stop doing wasting your time doing the lighting at the theatre and have a martini at the russian tea room where most likely a potential job offer is waiting on the bar stool. either that or free cocktails which in my book is pretty much the same thing

Teach for America..You mean sleep with America? Peace Corps.. Peace Whore?

I have the slightest inclination that the only reason why these programs are so damn competitive is a lot of attractive people do this, which leads to... you know... the mesh of human bodies. Suddenly this program seems a lot more worth my time. Lets put aside the fact that Im not a liberal kid loving lets save the world but not really  type of girl, but if I were, could I put my sordid past of Cosmopolitan attempted sexual seductions behind me on this adventure?
Every person Ive ever met who has done this says its been amazing life changing experience. Yea? Well so is shopping at CVS, but what Im wondering is how often do people hook up? Usually I dont have to beat it out of them because the answers are pretty crystal chandelier clear. Through extensive research and intense statistical analysis done in my head, Ive found that by deductive reasoning, people are DTF (down to eff)

Why not?

Use Shawty to describe people I have a crush on to their faces?

Bring back kiss me by Sixpence non the Richer at clubs?

Get hair extensions and acrylic nails and wear blue eyeliner and butt cheek showing jean shorts?

Insist on using crutches?

Develop a dependency on Valtrex for no other reason other than its amusing?

Pretend I have a horse?

Poetry

Sometimes when feeling especially existential, I put on my beret, my plaid, my leggings, and compose poetry.
This poem is called Woman in Nature
She stands at the edge of the ocean, looking onto the horizon
waves crash
firecrackers explode
the salt water crashes in between her toes as the specs of the firecracker land on her feet
take care of me take care of me take care of me

whoa, that was rough, promise ill only do these once a week

Notes to self:

Take speak conversational Thai and exceptional flute player off resume

Figure out what yoga laties is

Buy Lysol and pillow cases  and ductape

 learn how to vacuum

Apply for the executive assist. position for Anne Coulter

Stop giving my number out to hitchhikers

Wouldnt it be so awful if

unibrows were back?
hummus was unhealthy?
the pharmacy was closed?
your razor was broken and you had a hot date?
they had no champagne at the cocktail party?
its a cash only bar- 50 dollar minimum?
It was a requirement to go to church?
Your worst enemy got promoted, a new boyfriend, lost 15 pounds and got free highlights?
that rich guy with the house in montauk WAS SO BORING?
there was a serious tax increase for women who like to shop and watch E?

My third Wedding

I dont know about you, but Ive been dreaming about my third wedding since I was a little girl. My first wedding I will think is true love, and pull a whole " I dont need a big wedding routine" and get married at City Hall with my pup Pearl as the witness. Then after the divorce ensues, it will be fast and yet somewhat painful, like losing virginity but eventually the blood sweat and tears are washed away and I move on to the next. The next wedding will be an embarrassing for everyone involved. He's 25 years older, has children my own age and had some awful claim to fame, like Madoff's psychiatrist or the risk management analyst for Lehman Brothers. Yet its done anyway, tastefully- ish, in a country club that reeks of waspy ness and self entitlement. A stiff band, half the republican senators, and lots of whispers of Mid life crisis marries sad late twenty something year old with a C List acting career. That actually will be the cover of the post that day.
AHHH The third wedding! MY WAY. FIRST CLASS ROLLS ROYCE caviar and veuve cliquot for hors doerves appetizers and main course. The cake is chocolate on chocolate dipped in snickers rolled around in peanut butter with fudge. The room is full of glitter chandeliers and candles. All of the Ushers are Black or Russian. I ride in a white horse to the Pierre Hotel and hire Paparazzi who also are singing the lada gaga song Paparazzi. My dress is an off white strapless dress designed myself that has crusted rhinestones at the hem. I am over veils, but will ask to borrow the late princess Diana's tiara.  My bridesmaids are the Pussycat dolls. The first dance is to ignition by R. Kelly. The dance with my dad is Jesus Walks by Kanye West
The Honeymoon: Off the coast of the Mediterranean

John Stuart Mill and Paris Hilton

These two philosophers/socialites of their day saved my life. John Stuart Mill's on harm principle, live your life as long as you do not infringe on other's individual liberties. Paris Hilton: Tell people what they want to hear, then go do what you want. 
With these life mantras I can live as I please, be who I am, and say what I want, as long as I don't cause harm to you. Genius. If John Stu and Paris had a child it would probably be something like me. I have Paris' large feet, penchant for dogs and dancing on tables, and John Stuart's slight schizophrenia and overall distrust in society and mankind.

SURPrise Your Man with a quickie at work...Wait, my boyfriend doesn't have a job!

OK, so Cosmo magazine is supposed to help women turn guys on.. but see have you ever tried any of these so called tactics to seduce your man? Because I have and it wasn't pretty. In fact it was rather shameful. So steer clear of any sex article that tells you to lick the back of the balls, douse yourself in olive oil, or show up naked to his apartment. I've done all of these, and no longer am curious why I am single. What I suggest instead is letting your boyfriend tell you what he wants, which is most likely to shut the hell up and let him do his thing. We will get to your own satisfaction in another blog. Because if you are like me, mostly nothing satisfies due to unresolved emotional issues on your paternal side, of which can be addressed with a strong vodka martini and klonopin chaser. LOVE LOVE

Im like.. a really good neighbor

So yes, you have figured me out, Im not a chic and sexy Parisian socialite who cuts the line at the clubs to give the bouncer high fives and ask how the kids are. Not quite yet. But if you know people who do these things, please pass them along as I would like to be really good friends with them. As long as they aren't fat, shy or stupid then I would love to hang out. So yes. I am still in college, Gross I know, College is so over, unless of course you call it University, in which case, thats more prestigious and intelligent sounding.
Anyway. I really enjoy smoking cigarettes in my room which is BEYOND against the rules. Fire hazards, potential burn victim crises esp with my highly erratic mood swings, and of course the anti social element of smoking in your room thereby inhibiting me of meeting any cute new smokers. So I smoke in my room SUE ME. 
The way to get your neighbors on your side is to help them out. Outside at 3 in the morning I was coming out of my shower when my neighbor was on her cell phone very upset. Apparently someone had locked her closet and she was petrified that someone/thing was in her closet and going to brutally rape the living daylight out of her. In my wet towel, I proceeded to help her and open her closet to show her that no such rapist was living in her closet. My neighbor was very thankful, especially when I told her she could wake me up if she got scared. Im nice and creepy like that. '
So now, she will by no circumstances tell me to not smoke, as I helped protect her from the closet rapist. 
You too should do the same, help out a neighbor in need solely for the advancement that you can have loud sex, crazy parties, or late rent so you can remind them of the favors they have done for you. Pythagorean Theorem. 

My Life this moment

Best friend: my sister

Political Persuasion: Sexy Republican with liberal tendencies such as charity and giving poor kids hugs

Song I cant stop Listening to: tie between the orchestra introduction of Carmen and Candy Shop by 50 cent

How can I assess my mood in several words? Procrastinating, freakishly productive and ready to do work for school.

What I ate for breakfast: special K with yoplait non fat yogurt, trail mix mar, and 6 mini snickers

What Im currently wearing: flip flops great sweats with a massive hole on left side hanes underwear, green t shirt that says only new york and no bra, glitter headband from sephora, (got it for free)

What Im reading: Sexual Anorexia overcoming Sexual Self Hatred by Patrick Carnes P.H.D

nail polish: look marvelous by OPI its a dark sparkly grey

What did I buy today:  orbit gum, perrier, veuve cliquot, cell phone ring of BitterSweet Symphony

Pros and Cons of My Previous Therapists

I have decided that I am my own therapist. I have been through extensive therapy since 1994, which is when I was five due to my chronic bad dreams. Since entering a new phase of life, I am trying a new experiment where if I feel I need to talk to a therapist I instead do the following: I put lots of  glitter makeup on, dance to rap music, smoke Capri Cigarettes, and bedazzle my vibrator. I will keep you posted on how this process works out As you know from previous blogs, I am a sufferer of hyper sensitivity, anxiety levels through the roof of the whitehouse mansion, and am constantly under the impression that God enjoys watching wildly annoying things happen to me. Privileged
 Childhoods we all know do not equal happiness but instead an internal struggle of struggling internally. Which maid do I love more? I hate my Christmas Vacation. Why does my tivo always break? Why doesnt my standard poodle want to cuddle with me? However, this is the new year where I stop crying WHY ME? And start saying these are my problems, these are my issues, instead of spending 300 dollars to talk to someone. Why not invest the money, buy some shoes, take a nap and feel the Glitter?

 Dr. L 1994- 2004 NYC

Childhood therapist.. recognized too many of my neighbors in her office....didnt feel comfortable talking to someone who had crayons in her office discussing getting fingered

Dr. W 2004-2006

Teenage therapist.. overall idiot..kind of fat MAJOR TURN OFF...wore nanette lepore...told me I needed to see her three times a week

Dr, B 2006-2010

brink of adulthood therapist...pretty...kind..can call her at 2am...jewish...park avenue clients...author of only 1 book.. does not prescribe

Dr. B 2008-2009

Dr at Mount Holyoke.. huge mole...also saw my roommate...didnt want to give me xanax...thought my sister was cooler than me and always asked me questions about her...

Dr. S 2008-2009 TN

bald, said drop it like its hot alot, laughed when I cried, asked me if I thought I was pretty..

Dr G. 2004- 2010

gives me lexapro and I leave. A 

Senior in College.. Past our Prime?... Um I think NOT

I remember as a sophomore having lunch at Effy's Cafe with a graduate from Vandy who was working at Deutsche Bank. She claimed that Vanderbilt were her golden years where she had the most fun in her life. UMM This was one of the most depressing things I have ever heard. The comforts of college are great, but in just a few month, your bro's for life, or your sister's till death will be off doing their own thing and so should you.
I have several thoughts about hitting your peak. If my peak is here and now, at the ripe age of 22 then I might as well off myself right now. No self respecting woman should peak before the age of 40, because lets face it we have a long way to go of glamourous careers, husbands to sleep with, children to pretend to raise, and goals to eventually accomplish. If you are that motivated.
Even as a senior at University, Ive heard to many girls say one too many times, Frat parties? Im too old for that.. Listen, if you dont want to attend frat parties because you are in no mood to be molested by a drunken backwards cap wearing waspy beer drinking adderal loving sophomore, than that should be your reason. If your reason is that you have somehow reached a maturity level that you find surpasses fraternity parties than so be it. Do not under any circumstances feel like you are past your prime, your prime, or at least my prime is just beginning. So I give you permission to borrow some of my prime.
Senior Year is the beginning the prime, its the beginning on the journey towards adulthood and I dont care what anyone says I still plan on having lots of sloppy nights, making lots of bad decisions, and loving every minute.

whats on my playlist? for when a gentleman comes to watch a movie

C'est la vie by bewitched
save tonight by eagle eye cherry
hey mah  by cameron
waterfalls by TLC
your body is a wonderland by john mayer
Without Love from the broadway musical Hairspray

Goals for the week

do lunges, buy marbles, win chess matches at chess club, drink a bottle of California 2008 white wine, read Newsweek and In touch magazine, bedazzle my vibrator, buy post its, respond to the add on craigslist about potential ballerinas, checkout a new spell book, avoid shellfish, develop a thicker russian accent, buy more  Mizrahi for target dresses

AMAZING DISS!!

Next time someone really really gets under your skin and makes you want to throw them under a car and then collect their teeth to put under your pillow for money remember this... THEY will be fat and divorced in 15 years in a small house with bad furniture, no cable, and will probably never know the difference between karats and carats. xx :D

enough about me.. What do YOU think about me

On the brink of adulthood, I decided to get some feedback from those around me from what they like best about me, what they like worst, some good memories, some first impressions, and some overall general thoughts about my existence. This is for the benefit of you dear readers, so that you can discover more about me and then be brave enough to ask your own friends, lovers, enemies, and co workers what they think about you. Most likely they will lie, but their lies will still hold some aspect of truth to them, and for you should be most entertaining:

All names are anonymous to protect their guilty-ness

Childhood camp friend whom I had not spoken to in several months and whom Id awoken at 3 am to discuss an emergency situation

Lex: What was your first impression of me?

CF (camp friend) I thought you were a stuck up snotty self indulged little girl, because you told everyone that you cared more about money than your education and your family.

Lex: OMG I was such a hysterical 6th grader! What is your favorite thing about me?

CF: Haha so many, probably your ability to see humor in situations and make everyone feel good about themselves.

Lex: Thats cute, what should I work on in life?

CF: probably not talking so fast, no one at camp could understand what you were saying half the time. WE all thought you were stealing the ritalin.

Lex: What do you think I should do when I grow up?

CF: Well ideally you would be really good at being a therapist, but I feel like you'll end up doing something really glamourous

Lex: you are so mushy/sexy/ amazing LOVE YOU talk to you this weekend. I probably wont.

One of my fave professors at Mount Holyoke, he taught my freshman seminar on Russian Literature who also happened to be on AIM..

Lex: Hey professor, for one of my blog posts, Im asking important people what they think about me

Prof: O my god, you are one of those, let me guess, you write blogs to show off your assumed wittiness and claim that you are trying to save the world while not writing about your exercise schedule and your man troubles?

Lex: K, what was your first impression of me?

Prof: I thought, this girl is clearly from New York, will talk a lot, add insight to class discussion, most likely not do the reading and give me my papers on time.

Lex: I always did the reading, did you think I was pretty?

Prof: So pretty, Alexis

Lex: What did you like best about me?

Prof: I liked your intellectual curiosity, your ability to listen to your classmates, and the different perspective you provided to the rest of the classroom. 

Lex: What are some things I can work on?

Prof: You are a good writer with good ideas, you should probably proof read and organize your thoughts in a critical way that ensures you leave out unoriginal ideas.

Lex: Hows Moho Professor?

Prof: A lot quieter without you, I gotta go grade some papers

Hmm that was kind of uninteresting. That professor was hot though, hot in a creepy male kindergarden teacher kind of way. Maybe we should discuss that instead during our next aim chat.

My fav. facebook status'

1. putting the laughter back in manslaughter

2. not quite as smart- but much better looking

3. Using Angel Dust as my bronzer

4. First name basis with the pharmacist

5. Screw with me again and I'll black list you from wall street

6.  Bedazzling My Gun

7. Feeling as fresh as newly signed divorced papers

8. Orsay with dad

9. Picking up Jack daniels an cigars on my

Scooter

10.surprising my coworkers with champagne, damn it feels good to be a gangster

11.  I have 20 tutors and they're all DTF

12. new reality show pitch: swap medications

AMAZING THINGS

1. The ladies bathroom conversation during the intermission of Carmen at the Metropolitan Opera

2. Racist/Sexist/Rude/Horrifically Inappropriate jokes

3. People who comment that everyone comments after a movie trailer of whether or not they will see this film.

4. Chainsmoking outside clubs whilst on your blackberry texting all your friends

5. Worshipping Ronald Reagan and Sasha Obama all in one

6. Being impressed that one can drive, vacuum, work a dishwasher, boil water, cook pasta, understand spanish, and fix their lap tops without calling their tech guy. YOU GUYS ARE GENIUS

7. telling the ladies who work at high end stores that you are just looking and probably not going to buy anything and would like to try stuff on, in your most sophisticated stern british accent

8. Toasting with friends at dinner about how happy you are to have them in your life.

9. Incredibly witty ingenious thought provoking album titles

10. The volatile Stock market

Introduction to story about Evil

Evil, maybe she was born that way. Maybe when she took her first breath out of her mother's womb she breathed in the devil and she was forever doomed to dark existence. As a little girl she had strange tics such as cutting off her own eyelashes and slashing her heels with knives. She wasn't interested in bows and dolls or ribbons. She was fascinated by natural elements like water, fire and smoke and was constantly turning on the stove to watch the blue flames come alive. She never laughed, barely smiled, and said maybe two sentences a day. Her parents were concerned but by the time she reached seven and seemed to have little to no emotional connection to anything, they slowly gave up and began to accept the fact that their child was emotionless.
By the time the time she hit junior high school, the pressures of being a teenager were hard enough, but even harder when evil and darkness consumed her soul. She suffered from chronic bloody noses which left her teachers to thinking that she had a coke problem but it was really because of the altitude in Utah and her stress levels. Her grades were at best mediocre and her looks were perhaps pretty enough to star in a low grade porn flick as her father put it. 
I had always assumed that evil was a characteristic that developed after a traumatic experience, a rape or a death of a loved one, but was it possible that a child could be born evil and emotionless?
As she got older she began wishing ill on others but mostly on herself. One day after a particularly exhausting day of school, her mother asked her, Why don't you ever have friends come over?

Prescribed Medications

Like Glitter pens, when you run out, its sad, but you can always go to CVS and get more

Post Graduate Plans

Not cute, classy, fun, interesting, or a cool topic to discuss post graduation plans. Unless you plan on offering me a job, marrying me, or giving me lots of dark chocolate I have no interest discussing with you my post graduation plans. In any case they are but not limited to:
C.I.A Analyst
Celebrity Nutritionist/Therapist/Nanny/Best-Friend/Stylist
Top Parisian Socialite
Joining the Peace Corps if I suddenly wake up a democrat tomorrow
Starting a Family with a man with 2 kids who needs a second wife to take to business dinners and make witty remarks
Waitress at Ooki Sushi in Manhattan

whats going on in the news?

I have a goal of being a top tv fox news journalist with brown hair. I want Sarah Palin's charisma, Anne Coulter's bone structure, Michelle Obama's arms, Nancy Pelosi's arms, and Hillary Clinton's pantsuits. Women politicians are smart and immediately deemed stupid if they are hot.
Even though those girls reading the economist whilst on the elliptical look pretentious and like they are trying too hard, they in fact are on to something. They are whipping their bodies into shape while trying to stay current. Its cute, its classy (unless you are wearing juicy couture pants and your sorority t-shirt) and these biatches have inspired me to read something other than the torah and perezhilton.com
This is what I found:
Hows the status of the war in Iraq?
Troops in Iraq - Total 49,700 U.S. troops as of August 23, 2010. All other nations have withdrawn their troops.
When are we leaving?
According to Petraues, the head of the U.S army he was quoted on August 19th 2010 saying that we were not leaving Iraq
“First of all we are not leaving,” Petraues insisted, adding that “there are 50,000 US troops that are remaining in Iraq” and that they retain an “enormous capability.” 
Hows the unemployment rate?
still 9.6%, so that really sucks
Who is the president of Pakistan and what can I say about him to impress people?
Asif Ali Zardari: took power when his wife Benazir Bhutto was killed in 2007. He is one of the five riches men in Pakistan worth about 1.8 billion. SEXY, also he gave up some of his powers, he is a shiite, he met with Barack in 2009 to discuss life and security issues, he has a great smile and three kids.

Defunct Wingwoman

Going out to meet men, it is always a good idea to go out with a small group of women. This makes the going out and seeking men experience more fun and frankly should make it easier. However, there are several types of women that you should avoid going out with when your objective is solely the purpose of meeting your husband. These types of women detract from your goal of meeting men, so if any of your girlfriends meet the criteria listed below, it’s time to re-evaluate your group.
The reality is women are typically self-serving conniving bitches. I have narrowed down the 5 types of defunct wing women to steer clear of when picking up men.

1. The Chatty Kathy: This is the girlfriend who won’t stop talking Brangelina or Obamacare when a potential prospect approaches. She is not aware that A. he does not even know what Obama’s health care plan entails and B, no one cares. Save this friend for when you need a gossip fix during your weekly pedicure.
2. The Complainer: This friend usually spits out friendly conversation starters such “The drinks are too expensive” “This bar has no Jews” “My dress looks ugly” “You are so much prettier.” This friend has always something to complain about. My question is Ugh Why are you even friends with this woman? Get rid of this worthless individual. Unless of course she picks up the tab and shares her 15% discount at Bergdorf’s, than keep her amongst your inner circle.
3. The Prude: Women who are scared of men clearly have daddy issues and painfully low self-esteem. This does not make them bad friends as they are probably great listeners or have great fashion and health advice. But when men approach Prudence McPrude or you and her reaction is that of a 13 year old meeting Miley Cyrus, this does not reflect well and you come off as immature and not relaxed.
4. Your Newly Divorced Mother: After one too many sex on the beaches, you will find your mother at the end of the bar pouring her heart out to the Goldman banker about her junior year abroad in Spain when it was the only time she felt truly free. Enough said, mothers and daughters should not pick up men together: See Dina and Lindsay Lohan.
5. Beware Of The VIXEN: Do not by any means go out with a woman who is exaggeratedly hotter than you when scouting men. Think about it, if you saw two men, you would go for the better looking man, so why would you expect a man to react a different way? He’s not going to know that your friend is a stuck up bitch who has a rampant case of bipolar disorder if she has a hot body, and has the seducing look of Marilyn Monroe. Vixens are great to invite to cocktail hours, are good for networking purposes, and usually have the most interesting sex advice. Vixens are not good wing women because they only have two purposes, which is to seduce and destroy. You may envy her witty one -liners and her elementary knowledge of the stock market, Yankees that make men think she’s one of the boys. But remember, she is not your friend when scouting men, and will only leaving you feeling less worthy and fabulous than you know you are.

What you will like about Me

You will probably like that I am like most of you in the sense that you can relate to the fact that I am an anxiety ridden obsessive compulsive controlled alcoholic who enjoys pedicures  with extremely slutty tendencies with a side order of a taste for Christian Loubotins and Rich men.  You will appreciate my lack of respect for social norms and the lines for the ladies room. I also take family loyalty very seriously. Either that or they are still alive and I would still like my trust fund. So everything said about my parents and brother and sister is only half true, like most of what I say and most of what is written.  Like great memoirists before me I will skip the childhood bullshit as nothing particularly  amusing or wildly entertaining is worth writing down. Even writing about not writing about my childhood bores me. In fact, most childhoods are a rather painful unfunny time full of acne, angst, ocd.  Childhood and the early years are worth writing about if there was a rape or incest or munchausens by proxy. This is when a parent or an adult forcefully and knowingly makes their child ill. I had a therapist who tried to convince me I was sexually abused and believed her for half a session before I realized that her medical degree was forged.  Since of course, I never listen to anyone and in fact frequently do the opposite of what is told to me,which is of how I plan to rule the world and not let anyone stand in my way.

Writing blogs does not equal Sex

  It is too bad that I’m not a man, because I would be getting laid a lot more often. So many men who write blogs or what they call blogs, can walk into any bar, restaurant, or sister’s room and claim they are writing something, which is essentially a guaranteed blowjob. Whereas if I, a woman says she is writing a book , men run in the other direction because women who are writing clearly have thoughts, and thoughts, do not lead to blowjobs. So, this process has not done well for my love life, which is why I stear clear of talking about it when trying to get laid. You probably wont like me very much after you read what I have to say about this experience we call life. I am rude, racist, politically incorrect, and have cheated my way through most of my success. But lets face it, so have you. You may have a different definition of cheating, such as I got into Med school because of my solid grades but not because my father is Ben Bernake who donated the Columbia Building, or perhaps you cheat on your boyfriend from time to time because he cant get you off, and to you, that’s not cheating, its your way of getting through the day. Most of life is cheating, and if your not cheating and play by the rules, most likely you are boring, job less and are not getting laid. 

Hi, that was fun

You may ask about the title of this blog: Therapy and Glitter, because in life, thats pretty much all you need, a good therapist, i.e a good listener, and glitter. How ever you define it, whether glitter is your alcohol, your drugs, your, clothes, your boyfriend, or for me. actual glitter.

First Entry

 Why am I writing a blog? Not of course for the prestige and grandeur that writing a blog does for one’s reputation (ok maybe a little), but because what people, whether strangers or friends found that what I had to say was so unbelieveable, that they themselves did not want to be deemed psychotic, so this blog is proof that the things I were actually said.
Background: I was a strange child  I developed a fondness for single malt scotch at the age of 3 and my favorite childhood book was The Bear who loved Puccinni.  Thus, it is not entirely my fault that I grew up to be a self entitled indulgent individual, but I suggest you do the same, because it is too much fun.
 Topics of discussion: Ranging from bedazzled vibrators to Russian Foreign Policy, To top restaurant and clubs of my desire, 
Notes to myself: Never leave the house without makeup lest I want more men in wheelchairs to ask me out