Two Weeks Notice- Babe Its been Real

It is a sad fact almost freakish fact how closely my life is starting to resemble the liberal overweight writer with a healthy libido on Girls.
I halted my occupation to pursue my dreams of becoming a Celebrity Nutritionist for the C.I.A who marries well and has a yacht in St. Tropez. Why? Because as the late hologrammed Tupac once said,

So here is what happened.

My boss called me in and mentioned my lack of respect for fashion and hygene. I did not realize that blue prada eyeliner ripped up lanvin shoes and refusing to shower are not office appropriate. That behavior flew really well in rehab, and I learned that from my dear friend/roomie LiLo.

And Ipso facto, I offered peace in the only way I knew how so
 with a bottle of Veuve Clicquot, a pack of cuban cigars, and the best handjob I could muster. I bid my adieu with a version of the sound of Music So Long Farewell dance routine included.

We will end on positive terms. Mostly because I do a British Accent on the phone, and we both share the agreement that if it doesnt involve xanax with a jack and coke mixed in with narcotics and guns, I am a simply unfit employee, and unlike Hannah thats some baggage that I can deal with.

Stay Medicated.

I got a jury duty notice for the Supreme Court

 So I guess even the District Attorney thinks I am supreme.

Jury Duty is like the 6 Train, or LAX. Whether you are Rich, poor, Liberal, Cellulite, a Reagan worshipper, or bulimic, everyone passes through-
 and for a moment are all confined in the same zone for a painful yet amusing break from the grind of society.

I dont believe in Society and play by my own rules so I would rather go to Karate. My lawyer/hypnotist says I have to go unless I want to spend the weekend at Rikers, and I haven't done that since the marijuana tablet mix up in middle school.

Communistic? Experimental? Manic? If it was good enough for John Hand-on-Cock
 its good enough for me, so with that Logic that also means Id be down to get fingered by my slave who resembles T. Pain.

Jury Duty also sounds like something that happens in the bathroom.


I will be morbidly depressed if it is not a child molestor or Casey Anthony type case. Im destined to be a jury of her peers.
I cant wait to be amongst the velcro, the common man, and the stressed out mid tier analysts.
See you June 25th replete with rhinestones and Fendi.

Justice will be served. Maybe. Ill vote for Elle.

Teterboro Xanax and Standard Poodles, Its Finally Summer Bitches

Teterboro, the center for private jets, thats Allows for TRIPLE D TRAVEL, dogs, drugs, and Douchebags.
The 6 to 7 o clock flights are those who, like yours truly ,attempt to be hardcore CEO executive associates, when in fact in reality had to beg their superiors out early in order to make their flight. The essence of Hashtag-one-percent-entry-level-problems.

Everyone knows if you are the real deal, you leave for the weekends Thursday afternoon, Friday Morning at the latest

As I made myself a complimentary cocktail of pretzels, gin and diet sprite and 3 klonopin because "Im scared of flying"
 I picked up a copy of Affluent Magazine and realized mid paragraph of the newest elitest chicest ritziest spa that I could not think of any  bachelor to have a couples massage with me.

I turned to the skinny blonde finance bitch sitting next to be BBMing furiously on her blackberry trying to look important.
She had designer jeans and stewart weitzman high sandals and limited makeup. She was very minimalist means naturally cute meets not from Manhattan.

 She was cursing at her boyfriend saying if you dont fucking pick me up on time I will literally be so mad.

I had a deep pure affection for her already as I love a good financier anorexic take no bullshit un ivy league educated plane buddy.
When I told her I was in my twenties, she said You ARE SO YOUNG. Most of my friends are married or getting married. The rest are social outcasts.

Social Outcasts.

This deeply concerned me, because while I had my dogs, drugs, and an airport full of pretentious wannabe hard core douchebags who I wanted to hang out with, I was deeply alone and have to face the sad fact that I may have to book the golden caviar massage where you get fingered with diamonds for one. 

Its not a real family argument until the Manager Gets Involved

 I cannot tell you how many family arguments Ive had to get Sergio from the 4 Seasons or Carmeeny from Il Riccio or Kristin from Palm Too involved in. 

I love a histrionic outburst, mostly because I need to be heard. I would never want to be a boring patron. 

I crave to be seen as a messy disturbed troubled wealthy individual with nice shoes by the wine sommelier. Why? There is something so morbidly glamorous about being seen as a potential straight jacket patient in loubitons and poorly done eyeliner by a bartender I have frequent contact with.

 I need to make a scene in public and get everyone including the waitstaff involved.
Why? Maybe its a deep inherent cry for attention that I do not receive, or my raw flair for the dramatics rifled with the constant need to put on a performance.

All of these are true, my philosophy though, is if Im upset. I want everyone to know. I would never have a private fight in the confines of my own home.


I am obsessed with my family. And why shouldnt I be? They are hot, rich and republican and have interesting extracurricular pursuits from German Opera to Astrology, to Male Models, to Top Notch Reservations to Wealthy Indians to skinny cigarettes.

But like most wealthy trust fund cosmopolitan families who pretend are bilingual and see the number of frequent flyer miles as a sign of ultimate success and joy, do get in arguments.  As I am the first to admit, I am not the easiest person to break bread with, and I dont even like bread that much because it soaks up the alcohol rendering me incapable of getting drunk fast enough.

And nothing is more fun in my family then showing each other how much we dont do carbs,

And I Just dont fight. I scream and yell and foam at the mouth and order lots of Vodka because of my non existent Russian Blood.

Im wondering though, as just a thought, If I calmly suggested my thoughts during an argument without the histrionics and foam, if I would be heard better?

I am always wrong when arguing simply because I live in a deluded 4 sphere plasma floating universe where my logical follow through only makes sense to me.

I just hope my family knows, that no matter what Im always down to shoot people who hurt them.
And for that, I am sorry I make a scene that is reminiscent of those angry 12 pre pubescent orphans who sing about the hard knock life,
and Ill work on taking a chill pill. You know what I mean.

To the Dumb Sluts who talked gossiped about me this weekend

Only reaffirms my natural innate inclination that I am indeed Famous and IPso Facto, Im not that mad. It was Monica Lewinsky's publicist who said its better be talked about than not at all, and it was Lupe Fiasco who said the Haters are my motivators.

So with that in Mind, I will get off to the fact that some random bulimic trust fund P.R cunts think Im off the wall, and you know what? Maybe I am, and I am cool with that.



Im not that mad,because you are all rich and skinny and have parents with respectable careers and interesting boyfriends who will eventually help me later in life,

but do not for one second think, that I did not hear every word and know exactly what was said.

Like Danny Ocean in Oceans 11. Someone is always watching, someone is always listening. Just remember, if I see you out in the club, Ill smile nicely and buy you a shot, but most definitely put cocaine into your purse when going on B.A
and Like Brittany's Murphy's character in Girl Interrupted know that you wouldnt be horrified if your dad fucked you.

So ladies, if it makes you feel better to be nawsty. Thats chill, but the way I was raised, those who spread the most love and invest the most diamonds and keep it real with everyone come out on top of the vera wang wedding cake.

So for my REAL inner circle, the ones who I called at 4 am this weekend after screaming at the Beverly Hills Hotel, because whats a family argument if the waitstaff isnt involved, to calm me down and support me, are the authentic creme da la creme.

I encourage the Creme de la Creme to relish in your mania, your anorexia, your wealthiness for no reason, your job that you make 250K in as an entry level employee, or whatever else makes the dumb sluts gossip because you are living a life worth talking about, and to me, thats the essence of glitter.

And because Im so classy it hurts.
See you at The St. Regis

14 things to do before you are 20 and never ever After

The twenties like the decade should be roaring and are ipso facto essentially come down to gin, flappers, jazz, Absinthe, cigars, and West Egg.

Since most of my nearest and dearest were born 1995 and post, I decided to pass on a little advice to those who are on the brink of manic diamond encrusted trust fund dependent pretend adulthood.

And those who are past 20, can pick up a pick up a tip or thrice, in attempt to salvage what is left of an otherwise worthless yet champagne pill popping wall street investing eyebrow slash shop lifting existence.

1. Sleep with or have dry sex with a famous person and Tell EVERYONE.

After 20, one who brags about blowing A-listers look like a pathetic excuse for a has been mid tier fraternity Ari Gold wannabe

2. Become Amazing at an extremely arbitrary hobby, such as piano playing, karate, HTML coding,  oral sex giver, mali connoisseur, black jack player, swahili speaker, to set you apart from the scene, and

After 20, one who picks up an arbritary hobby is not looked at as amusing or cunning, but on the brink of a serious psychotic breakdown of a borderline personality disorder who's antidepressants failed to meet expectations.

3. Tell your parents to fuck off and really mean it

After 20 they wont give you any more money if you do that


4.  Pose Nude and spend as much time as you can naked and think of it  as a phenom starting point
After 20, you will keep getting better, with plastic surgery, better diet pills, and more time to hate everyone which does wonders for the complexion

5. Never ever work, this can be applied going post 20

6. Audition for movies, television, strippers, porn, modeling gigs, play boy mansion projects, commercials

7. Drink a lot of alcohol and smoke a lot of crack cocaine to properly build your tolerance for all of the social and business drinking and drug engagements required to build a successful relationship and career. Nothing says Im an immature unpurely bred deliquent than the inability to hold liquor and bumps

8. Go to Asia for a non business purpose.

9. Write rap music

10. Date people purely for sex reasons and not for the potential marriage material

11. Go to 6 Flags

12. Respond to a plethora of craigslist ads and make some yourself

13. Have a Disney Prince or Princess at your Birthday

14. Stay in a Hotel with no bathrobes or room service

Shit Rich kids Think

Thank God most of my friends will be senators

My old money status is chic again thanks to the New Great Gatsby Trailer

I wonder when its appropriate when my parents die to rap to Young Money Millionaire

I cannot do one more dinner with someone who does not appreciate red wine

My parents box seats at the Metropolitan Opera make me the most fucking cultured person I know

If I saw my phone bill I would cut it up into an artistic collage and stick on an easel as an oil painting and call it "The failed attempts of the Neoclassical Real World"


My facebook photos of my nonchalant holiday in St. Tropez significantly make me feel better about myself.

Its only a matter of time before the media gets a hold of how talented I am

There has been no one who has suffered more than me.

The fact that drunken hook ups have replaced meaningful relationships is the true demise of this generation

It is 100% adderal I would be in Community College and never go to Law School

My horse is like my brother.

Shit Rich Kids say

I literally freak out if I dont go to the Tate Modern at least once a year

I am over Klonopin

Our moms are best friends, we have been family friends for years

I am dividing my allowance between cocaine and future real estate investments into a little pile on top of my piano

Their artwork in their Hamptons Home is so Gaudy. Its very Real Housewives of Miami meets EuroTrash Trainwreck

The new Beverly Hills hotel had a service downgrade but an ambiance upgrade

My elevator man  hits on me

San Pellegrino is a lot more bubbly

My shrink is a huge cunt

It creeps me out when people drink tap

I majored in Ghanian Literature and now I am the Associate Beauty Editor at Vogue.

I dont feel bad about spending all this money at Sephora because of the miles

Fan Base

If you are pretty and rich and are friends with Celebrities, and emulate a millionaire-just dont-care-fuck-bitches-get-money- Im on one-I travel- I speak French- I smoke weed- I pop bottles- then  you most likely have a fan base.
These are the group of people who text you everyday or every weekend and ask what are you doing? These are the type of people who care about you to the point of obsession, where you can do know wrong, and are essentially their god.

I personally do not believe I have a fan base because like Puff Daddy, I keep it too real. If someone seems obsessed with me to a level at which I cannot reciprocate, I immediately confront, diffuse, and explode the situation because I cannot handle this kind of pressure, which is sadly why I will never be truly madly deeply famous.

Also, I really am unable to handle any sort of criticism especially when it comes to this blog. This blog, is pure soul, true thought and I mean every word.

So when I received this comment "Getting bored with this stuff. Much better when discussing "father" and moms eyelashes and faux fashion biz"

I am immediately concerned that this "fan" Isnt all up in my diamond encrusted grill.

My mother and father are fascinating creatures that most definitely should be studied, but the fact that you would rather read about them then my weekend dry humps with unlikeminded low tier consultants or my neverending quest to be photographed in page 6 with the cast of Glee or Gisele Bunchie is offensive and retarded.

Glitter Therapy encompasses my journey into becoming a kind, well traveled, French proficient, top tier blow job giver with Princess Diana like charm. My parents are only a limited piece of this equation.

Stay medicated.

Reasons Why Im getting fired before Memorial Day

1. I accidentally delete thousands of contact information only to have the 250$ I.T guy come and replace it.

2. I throw out original letters and feign amnesia when asked where they are.

3. I ask to leave early to meet with my parole officer a few times a week

4. I am a pool of incessant tears

5. I wear red wet shoes to meet clients to the point where the red dye drips onto my feet and looks like blood

6. I never brush my hair or teeth and refuse to wear anything about Versace leggings and cowboy boots as it reminds me of my southern undergraduate days.

7. I end all emails to clients with "again, it was really nice meeting with you, if you are interested in talking further about this or anything else my number is"

8. I pee in the sink

9.  When anyone asks me how Im doing- I give them a detailed report from mood,what I had for breakfast what I am doing later, who is on my bitch list, who I am going out with later, and ways Im trying not to kill myself

I mangled My sisters LAnvin Shoes

Over a subtle 6 course dinner  at Le Bernadin with like minded well dressed equestrians, real estate agents, and Hockey players, I had a typical italian restaurant tantrum, the kind that I am famous for replete with foaming at the mouth,
into my thumb sized 75 dollar tuna tartare about how unfair my sister is that she is making me reimburse her for her shoes.

Im a great sister. Im a good listener, I share my xanax, and Im always a BBM away. But another thing about me is that when I borrow something, I dont just borrow, I destroy it and most likely dont even ask as I assume most things within arms length are mine.
Furthermore, The item borrowed or stolen will most likely be returned chewed in half, ripped apart, covered in mud, and dipped in Jizz.

So naturally I understand her frustration when she found her shoes torn apart, that she wanted them to be replaced even though she knew that I have no money because I spend it all on diet coke and cocaine and schemes online of how to cheat your landlord and become a superstar,

Sister, I'll pay you back. But I hope you can live with the fact that this is a real setback on my lifestyle.

Your Cash is Not Accepted

Very simply. I always drink prosecco. I always carry mini snickers. I only use netflix for porn and I never have cash.

It is my absolute kermit the frog kryptonite when a restaurant does not accept Amex or worse, is cash only.  Im looking at you Bar Pitti, Sugar Fish, Hipster Bars in the Valley, and the Chicago Palm.

I dont have access to cash because I do not trust myself to make responsible decisions near an ATM at 4 o clock in the morning and I also do not know how to work it.  

That is why, I am starting a new business restaurant initiative that is Amex and Euros only, Champagne only, Tuna only,  with no butter, oil, dressings, or things that make food unplane and un sea like because I am also a mermaid.

Bachelorette Emily Maynard- Your limited vocabulary gives me night terrors

On a typical binge,
I am not one for reality Television where the main characters make under 1 mil and Im looking at you New Jersey Housewives, Biggest Loser, Intervention, American Idol, Audrina Patridge, and so forth

However,
I was growing tired of Hannity's ramblings on the elliptical so I turned my attention towards that blonde single-mum cunt on the Bachelorette, which aired last night.

Here's whats good about E-money. 
She's skinny, she likes fast cars, she has a dead fiance, she looks like she has quality ideas on how to backstab dumb sorority girls who stand in her way

Here's what is Painful:
she speaks like a retard, she is a mom, shes practically our age, and her job as an event planner at a Childrens Hospital is amusing, but highly questionable, as that sounds like an unnecessary expense on the health care program in North Carolina.

I didnt really watch as I was too focused on thinking about how I could acquire more pills but I did watch the subtitles and this is what I gleaned. 

She immediately eliminated the black guy, which I frankly am shocked that liberal media elite ABC would let her do. I understand the whole blonde southern belle meets slave is a couple America would never buy but at least pretend to give the man a chance and let him go through a second round so she doesn't eliminate him just on the color of his skin but on the content of his character.

I am outwardly racist, but at least I own it, and play the game accordingly. 

I may tune in, when I am bored of my Fox News rhetoric and counting xanax, but in the meantime. I hope the latin lovers that you picked to stay on will show some un bachelor like sex scenes beyond PG.

Can Russia and China Drop out of the G-8 so we can feel so fly like a G-6?

Ah Far East Movement,
In my forever ending political aspirations to infiltrate Al Quaeda as I hear the Spa at Guantanomo Bay for Seasons is to DIE, I have the frightening thought that perhaps my advanced Arabic vocab in weather, animals, family, food, and limited curse words is not enough to make my dream come into fruition.

So like that biddy who wrote the Raisin in the Sun starring P. Diddy, I too repeat her question.. what happens to a dream deferred?

I used to think I was the smartest person I ever met, that I knew the most about the Middle East and could very simply solve the Oil Iraqi Afhgani crisis by using a lot of big words and bigger guns.

I have a lot of work to do, as I see this is not the case and was recently humiliated at party to raise money for Whale Education.
I was conversing with one of my Arab Prince Friends who was feeling that fascist who leads our free world.
When he asked me why I did not share his position, I couldnt articulate in the sexy sophisticated intelligent manner in which I know he is a threat to democracy.

It was a good lesson. I need to rehearse my republican rhetoric, so for next time, I will have more to say than stay skinny and rich to the Sheik.

See you at the St. Regis.

I thought you were really sexy until you pronounced Le Bernadin wrong

I absolutely love A hot guy. To me, more men equals more money. But sometimes, really attractive men, I am learning are not alcoholic waspy trust fund low tier analysts who still think shotgunning and video games are appropriate afternoon activities.

There is a world outside of J.P Morgan which is a thought I do not like to indulge on the regular, but it seems that in my mind
 I have deep torrid fantasies about ending up with a xanax blue collar worker.
Of course, we would have to dabble in the black market and sell some unnecessary organs to continue the life to which I am accostomed...

But Alas, when I went to the Elite Bank to deposit my checks from my pretend employment, I realized that perhaps this fantasy is called a fantasy for a reason.

The  Hot Latin Banker who was depositing my checks. He told me he was going to Le BerdinIAN for a corporate dinner. Shudder.

Ive said it before and Ill say it again,
dating below your father's socio economic status is a grave error, as while the sex may be "wild" and not vanilla like most of your typical jewish westchester financial investor lawyer doctor agent real estate execs,
not knowing how to pronounce le Bernadin, commenting on the price of the wine, having less than a dozen stamps in the passport, student loans, fears about increase of rent, arguing for the benefits of Brooklyn, the Valley, or Hoboken, cleaning your apartment without assistance, using phrases like "the night shift", unless you are an arms dealer are very simply unacceptable.

Stay Medicated.
See you at the St. Regis

Glittery Playlist: What Im Jamming to right Meow

As you may know, I only like music that falls in the category of inviting a gentleman over to play chess, seduce, and tastefully lapdance, slit your wrist to, or dance on the pool at Le Bain replete with sparklers and heavy R&B tones

With this in Mind I was thinking about the DJ/Band repertoire that will be played at my Wedding at the Westmoor in Nantucket only if I marry someone not white.


Avant Makin Good Love the Slow Remix

Juvenile Who's Your Daddy

Drake the Motto

Ignition By R. Kelly and The Dartmouth Aires

Little Shop of Horrors

This is me by Dream

Saturday Night Fever and Boogie Shoes by Glee Cast

Rock the Boat Alliyah Remix

Do ya Think Im sexy Rod Stewart

GoldDigger by Kanye West

Single and Covered in Glitter

 My lack of boyfriend or ability to have a relationship goes beyond my deplorable lack of interest in video games, ESPN, and business unless its shady, it is a raw inherent selfish flaw that I will not be in a relationship.

Like Money, I am great on paper. I am SO cute when I brush my teeth and hair and put on some mascara. I come from a highly wealthy educated brunette republican cosmopolitan athletic family with immpeccable genes sauteed in No divorces or SEC investigations, I can speak articulately to parents and use big words like the O zone layer and can give great hotel recommendations in english, french, and Arabic.

But like Money, I am also a lot of trouble that brings an abundant amount of stress, drama, and lawsuits.

Yes, I have over and under indulged in pseudo sexual relations with 4 dozen  men from mid tier boarding schools to mid tier finance firms but I am forever that whack single chick- I do not even like sex that much, nor companionship as I get that from my dog and my vibrator irrespectively but it would be nice to spend someone's money other than my dad's and have someone to be in a relationship with on instagram.

I have outlined in a complex list organized with the help of my hypnotist slash financial advisor Roy G. Biv  

why I will be forever single:

1,  My interests lie in the topics following; celebrity gossip, efficient blackberry snooping methods, internships with the taliban, conspiracy theories ,punching myself in the face,  light witch craft, ponies, xanax, Putin, being nice to staff and telling people about it, and stealing peoples food- men do not find these notions interesting

2. I am absolutely 100% bat shit ape shit unicorn shit crazy unstable and very slightly retarded which to most is not worth the drama since my trust fund only will last for the next 7 years, 10 if we dont have a 2nd home and wear clothes off the rack.

3. My sexual skills are really questionable and I can say with certainty that my vagina was meant purely for smuggling cocaine and diamonds. 

4. I only give blowjobs for exercise and furthermore end up frequently exasperating my onset bulimia

5. I am clingy, annoying, and am considered  stalker in some states and in Estonia. Once we makeout and have over the boxer dry hump action, I will immediately do a full on investigative google search replete with the help of my Biddies at the NYPD and will know everything about you from your G.P.A at Wharton Business to the time you madeout with your cousin in the 5th grade to your sister's middle school teacher's Okcupid Profile

6.  I will literally become obsessed with every aching inch of your core and follow you to the bathroom, to the trading floor, to the bar stool, to the recording studio and to your grandmother's funeral, Even to the 9th circle of hell at the 11th hour if you are a whack religion.

7. I am not demure, quiet, shy, feminine, soft spoken, relaxed, chill, easy going, spontaneous, carefree, curious about the outdoors, fine relaxing with a beer on the patio, would rather not have a philosophical conversation whilst rolling a blunt, will not tell you your music/poetry/rap/script/screenplay/ fistpump/breakdance/ lay up  is good even if it is only because mine are so much better.

ALice and Olivia Love you Love everything about you thinking about wearing you for Halloween

Alice and Olivia: Im about to get a little Conde Nasty on your asses and here's why.

Its one of the biggest wealthy girl problems for generations proceeding and aceeding. Those store keeper girls need to leave me the hell alone and let me spend my easy earned money in peace.

I am a big supporter of the Brand mostly because the clothes message is quote I am too young to afford you but Scew you simultaneously
 I want to come off as an unobnoxious cunt who doesn't wear European Designer Clothes tout le day endquote.

Also, I watched an interview of these Girls on  the liberal media elite CNN when I was bored and high in Middle School and I distinctly remember them saying that they chose Alice and Olivia as the name of the Line because those are their mother's names and girls first look to their mother's as their first fashion Icon,
And most 20 something 1 percenters have mothers who are frequently photographed for spending money to do nothing and look absolutely phenom whilst doing it, so naturally I was hooked and felt intimately related. 

I immediately adopted my 2nd brand loyalty, my first was a tie between British Airways and CVS pharmacy.

But, as I took my 2.5 hour lunch break and walked into the shop to try on a highly reasonably 789 beaded bedazzled chrome colored off the shoulder asymmetrical collar bone showing off Dress for my Party im throwing at the Pink-Lavender Elephant to celebrate the launch of my razor line,

Something MISERABLE HAPPENED



I was confronted by a blonde L.A wannabe actress slash model slash retard. I do not like being spoken to by the help
 Furthermore, it was not just that she spoke but it was the way in which she  spoke

it was with such a nail to the private school chalkboard affectation that my ears are still ringing, and to boot she nearly toppled all over me into the dressing room to ask me if I need assistance.
 

I absolutely need assistance, not just in the way you are thinking and I understand that my naked body/blackcard in bad lighting makes you rethink your heterosexuality,
 but please step out of the dressing room and stop speaking to me or recommending other options, your "help" leaves me with such disdain and leads me to question this generation's middle class aspiring models and I am seriously disturbed.

So I have created a guide when shopping by yourself coffee and chanel in tote to avoid offensive storekeeper bitches whose biggest accomplishments were that they were hot in high school and didnt have to pay to get into Lavo.

1. Look them straight in the eye and say I am having a very hard time right now.
2. Talk on the cell phone softly in a romance language and glare at them in Russian if they ask if everything is ok
3. If they ask if you need help or what event you are going to, say Court
4. Ask if you are allowed to smoke inside the dressing room already lit up
5. Use really big words involving the government and economic sanctions and then after, State that you need to shop alone.
6. Bring a Bag Black Obese Bodyguard to stand outside the dressing Room. Walkie talkies and full bullet proof vest included.

Asian Socialites

I pride myself on being a very high end upper crust nanny who only has clients who work as CEO's, socialites, models, or actors.

My time is precious as I have things to do such as crush up my rocky cocaine and get pedicures and write to my friends at Rikers and improve my Arabic vocab.

However, if you will further my career as a top mafia associative socialite private investigator narcotics detective who gets photographed coming out of the Chateau Marmount, then I will be glad to sit in your immpeccably decorated guest room and peruse British Vogue for laughs.

I also require that the children must be sleeping, a 7 hour minimum for my 45$ an hour rate, a vegan organic microbiotic meal with unlimited diet coke and HBO.
This is very reasonable as I do not invite my boyfriend over usually, and do not try on my client's clothes unless I accidentally take too much of their vicodin.

Last night, a seemingly strange liberal hedgefund socialite Asian couple who met my criteria hired me from a reference who shall remain nameless, Jada Pinkett Smith,

The home was an average 7 mil apartment with impressive Asian artwork and pictures of the couple all over the house with the cast from 90's Dramas like Dawsons Creek and Felicity.

Clearly, it sadly seemed that their moment was over since they were friends with people that mattered before instagram, but I most definitely gave them credit for trying to maintain their status.

While they didnt tip me, Asian Mother sent me home with her driver called Pablo and gave me her 1999 Gucci Sunglasses as she said they would slim down my face.

I love a good Gucci gift with a snide remark to go with it, I will remember this move for Mothers Day.

I love your sleeping celebrity Asian children.. and your little Dog too.

When It comes to being unprofessional, I am a professional

It is clear that  doing work relays an eerily similar taste in my mouth as Colonics at the 4 Seasons in Guantanomo Bay, Cuba during high terrorist season.

Intriguing, painful, dangerous, and highly ethically questionable

which in the end means it may as well be avoided, but I'll do it anyway for the potential good story, new friends, and more importantly, new staff.

Corporate America would be a lot better if it was Corporate Europe replete with meaningful bank holidays and a highly erotic currency name.

But, I am first and foremost A red blooded American with a razor sharp black card, a 9 milimeter gun, and an anti welfare mentality
 so I am loyal to my native roots as long as I can be a dual Saudi Arabian citizen.

Ipso facto, since I am here in America I need to immediately determine how to make Corporate America work for me without getting fired, because severance packages, job searches, and embellished cover letters have the rancid disposition of the common man.

SO, what am I good at? Sex, Drugs, Rich people coming together to discuss country homes, former Greek life siblings, volatility, the Wall Street Journal, the Wire, and seemingly worthwhile yet autistic hobbies, and namedropping authors from the roaring 20s.


I talked to my boss about my real passion to write about successful trophy wives, and how those who are skinny, rich, republican and have a good business ethic usually come out on top. Professional conversation? Doubtful,

but I find that uptight professionalism in the workplace breeds the decline of passion, personality, and free thinking.

Was he impressed? Disturbed? Bedfuddled? Perhaps, but I feel like he understood me more for my true core of what I am all about and for that we have reached a new point in our relationship that I only hope turns increasingly unprofessional.

See you at the St. Regis.

I feel like all I do is pop bottles

Last night I had a particularly strenuous evening so I had my drug dealer pick me up at Equinox I was in such a bad mood because I wasnt running as fast as the girl next to me who was wearing a Sigma Delta Tau Shirt. A rush of anger immediately came over me and I realized it was a case of Jealousy of her lack of pain. I assume this girl follows a schedule like so.
Friday wake up, go to work, go on the treadmill. Get really drunk. Hook up with someone in a different department, and text all her friends. No Depth. No Class. No Pain. No Designer Clothes. No Therapist. Just wasted space with lack of thought, but hey It must be nice.

So in my frusturation for not keeping up I scheduled an immediate delivery. This girl also had poor highlights and was wearing a crop top without a 6 pack, an offense almost as bad as voting democrat and having a private jet.


Knowing who you are, your soul, your passions, and whats important to you is truly the key.
I have been off drugs for a while in attempt to show my contemporary pill popping liberal 1% ivy league herver leger wearing contemporaries that I was smarter, more learned and had move past all that.

The fact is my true heart and soul is I am a mid to entry level high functioning social climbing bottle popping wannabe 1% partyer and feel most at home in the club while pretending to understand the complexities of Syria and Philosophy while jamming to Get Low. So maybe, depth-less sorority offensive highlights girl, Im the same as you, only funnier and dirtier with better taste in restaurants and can better properly articulate why Occupy Wall Street is over.

Lets party in the sauna and talk about the thought of Business School for the seemingly pretty yet ultimately retarded, because lets be real. Im over work everyday. And you know what? I may actually like you and then hate you instead of reverse.  Like dating finance divorcees, Im skeptical of my skepticism.

See you at the St. Regis. 

Never felt so proud to be white

Since I am white, I was thinking about how entertaining it would be to write a college, grad law business medicinal application about being proud of my heritage.




In a black in white universe where things are one or the other, high or sober, rich or poor, on fire or not, I have become accepting of this and have thus become increasingly less interested in the in between grey areas. Pick a side. This is your moment.
I realized this after eating a big black and white cookie, that my whiteness is a big part of who I am. I may be a good christian with penchants for Tosca and Diet coke and reality Tv that showcases good real estate value.

But I am first and foremost proud of my race.

You know you are a Hardcore New York City Upper Crust Thug when

You have run into your therapist at the theatre

You have run into your drug dealer at the theatre

You are constantly faced with the mindboggling notion with how uncultured and how uneducated everyone else is around you

Dinner at 6 o'clock reeks of unprofessionalism and lack of disposable income

Your parents are more judgmental than you are 

You can easily determine someones tax bracket by how they talk about their work and their personal hobbies and travel experiences.



Blogs like this link below make you want to assinate the president and rue the day when New Jersey/Connecticut/WestChester/Long Island Infiltrated the otherwise hipster yet Elite West Village 

http://innycproblems.tumblr.com/

You have personally given hand jobs to all the low tier Merril J.P Goldman Analysts before their voices cracked and most likely run the other direction if you see them out or
sight them as your nearest and dearest friends.

You have been going to Le Bain since before your period and have been drinking Cote de Rhone since the 5th Grade

The UpperWest Rendition of "Home" gives you the chills 

You silently question people's personal financial situation when they live on numbered avenues especially below the 80s


You dont use opentable because you know the Maitre D by name

You have gotten very ill from cocaine outside New York even at the Ivy League schools

You do not cite it as an accomplishment when your photo comes up on gossip blogs by posting it on facebook but have a secret hoarded stash of all your pseudo celebrity collection

1 Percent Entry Level Problems Confessions of A Nanny Dependent Assistant

Its very clear I do not like to do work.

I am busy.

I am blogging about my good intended drug use,  judging people's St. Tropez Yachts on Instagram, updating my IRA Roth Account, making dinner reservations, reading book reviews that I will casually bring up at parties, bidding on exotic animals on eBay, answering pornographic craigslist ads and learning new names of exotic red wines.

So when someone asks me to file, print, update, draft, edit, change, redo, or fix. I have an even longer list of problems and a pending full fledged anxiety attack lightly sauteed in tears and hair pulling.
 
First of all,
I am very slightly retarded and will not be able to do it so I suggest you do it yourself to save yourself the time, the energy and the frustration as I am very busy with the list above.  I also immediately will call someone else to make sure that it is done correctly and most likely pay them.

Alas,

I bought the wrong folders at staples so I naturally bought them myself to avoid embarressment which means that I will have to substitute prosecco for veuve tonight and cannot buy any music on itunes for 5 days.
Fuck.

2nd of all, unless the work requires, sleaze, illegality, gambling, ponies, klonopin, diet coke, Russian Imperialism, Fitzgerald, waspy people or coloring books I am wildly uninterested.

I cannot possibly take seriously entry level jobs since my private credentials at pseudo Ivy League sororities prepared me to take a lot of adderall, use grandious words and show up at office hours in a suit.

You see,
I will always do it wrong simply because I am wrong.
 I was put on this earth to judge people and be a shady well educated narcotics detective with a penchant for whole wheat pizza and Carmen.

All I have to say is, and this seems to be the moral of every story, and I quote ALexis Bellino from the Trashed out poorer version of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, the OC "I thank God everyday for my life, and you would too."
Chosen Ones? I guess.

May Goals

be a better stalker
acquire a cocaine cross similar to Cruel Intentions
close the door when I use public bathrooms
listen to more Jazz
start growing marijuana
knife with a sword anyone who speaks with a jappy inflection
get into a physical fight in a club with instagram photos included
update my correspondence with my rapper friends at Rikers
Get on a jury duty case to avoid responsibility
stop hooking up with people who are not venture capitalists or who have light gambling tendencies