My Years Resolutions since I was 19 years old have been alas as follows
Be more Discreet
Be a better Driver
Give better Head
Be more well versed in Russian History from the Tzar period to the present
Wear less clothes with blood
Its that time of the year for the playlist when the weather gets colder, and the fur, the vodka, the diamonds and the winter emerges
r kelly and Lady Gaga Do what you want with your body
Spice Girls If you want to be my lover
N sync Here we go and Space Cowboys
Stevie Wonder Signed Sealed Delivered
R Kelly Ignition
Alicia Keys Im jealous of your Girlfriend
Friday, October 25, 2013
Jesus Christ loves adderall Corinthians 69
On my quest of boredom of look for other abstract hobbies besides glassblowing, pawnshop frequenting, finger banging at charity events and trying not to slit my wrists I have decided that Im Christian. Im waspy, I like tennis and chardonnay and no feelings and headbands and really appreciate the dedicated work that Jesus put into his bod. There was absolutely under no circumstance that he was not competely cracked out on adderall and suggests we all do the same.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
New Boss Clearly Not Briefed on whom I think I am
Recently I have acquired a new Boss at the Olsen and Olsen Mystery agency, a sort of general malaise much like the one in Dr Evils office facility has permeated the office,located a top Hermes Headquarters encrusted with weapons
My senior superiors are a man and a woman and I really fuck with the whole mummy daddy vibe as I played them off of each other to make them give me things like no work and a nap and early dismissal hashtag everything I needed to know I learned in 2nd Grade Harvard West Lake .
Now there are two women bosses, and the new boss a Mousy Jersey quietly intelligent sorority type who CLearly does not know who I think I am because she does not follow me on instagram which showcases the rockstar lifestyle I pretend to lead but also masks my rampant insecurities and light drug addiction.
Alas, she took me off of a case to infiltrate an underground poker ring and the owner is a quality gentleman who pushes kids off waterslides at 6 flags , I have a light pedophilia issue and she immediately removed me from the case. Shudder.
Fuck with me you know I got it. I am of the entry level one percent which means that I play solitaire and masturbate to my trust fund.
One quick call to her higher-up whom as a side note I saw last week getting a lap dance from the same hooker with the sick bod and better work ethic than Mao Zay Dung at a seedy yet expensive gentlemens club that I frequent for amusement and quality spending time with my father and for the sorbet.
Alas, once I made the call to the bosses boss about my removal from this case out of sheer blissful ignorance on the manic struggle it takes for one to call themselves my employer, I was immediately assigned back on the case.
Now I do not want to get off of my high palimino, just because I inhaled a massive hit of that purple haze rolled by Mike Posner himself sauteed in dark chocolate sequins that you get at Pinkberry, but to be fair, my grandfather got my bosses boss out of his wife's drug charges last year, which is also how I have my job.
Im not that Powerful, as like Obama and that Kim John Korean, my power exists within the confines of my own sordid yet kind imagination.
My senior superiors are a man and a woman and I really fuck with the whole mummy daddy vibe as I played them off of each other to make them give me things like no work and a nap and early dismissal hashtag everything I needed to know I learned in 2nd Grade Harvard West Lake .
Now there are two women bosses, and the new boss a Mousy Jersey quietly intelligent sorority type who CLearly does not know who I think I am because she does not follow me on instagram which showcases the rockstar lifestyle I pretend to lead but also masks my rampant insecurities and light drug addiction.
Alas, she took me off of a case to infiltrate an underground poker ring and the owner is a quality gentleman who pushes kids off waterslides at 6 flags , I have a light pedophilia issue and she immediately removed me from the case. Shudder.
Fuck with me you know I got it. I am of the entry level one percent which means that I play solitaire and masturbate to my trust fund.
One quick call to her higher-up whom as a side note I saw last week getting a lap dance from the same hooker with the sick bod and better work ethic than Mao Zay Dung at a seedy yet expensive gentlemens club that I frequent for amusement and quality spending time with my father and for the sorbet.
Alas, once I made the call to the bosses boss about my removal from this case out of sheer blissful ignorance on the manic struggle it takes for one to call themselves my employer, I was immediately assigned back on the case.
Now I do not want to get off of my high palimino, just because I inhaled a massive hit of that purple haze rolled by Mike Posner himself sauteed in dark chocolate sequins that you get at Pinkberry, but to be fair, my grandfather got my bosses boss out of his wife's drug charges last year, which is also how I have my job.
Im not that Powerful, as like Obama and that Kim John Korean, my power exists within the confines of my own sordid yet kind imagination.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
The Wine List at Rikers Island Rivals The Maurice?
Part of the reason I work for an underground gambling ring is I need a career that brings adrenaline coursing rampantly through my veins,
now, the reality of my delusional career as a cracked out private investigator is that my personal networth covers the basics: manicures prosecco and abortions.
Thank the Lord Jesus Christ for alimony and kleptomania.
I have a moral compass that has been broken since I cheated my way through Rosay Boarding School and also copied all of my SATS off of Lou Chou Chow Yong Hong Chow Mein.-Meng. My job is to keep secret and preserve the moral integrity of my clients by not revealing the intracies of my cases. But like, Id rather tell you EVERYTHING.
Lucky for you dear readers, I do no not have professional boundaries.
I see no problem in exchanging blow jobs to be taken out to lunch and end nearly every email with "Stay Fly beb" to top level executives and often put deoderant on in the middle of the hallway because my adderalled sweat smell is only appealing to myself and my maid who cooks my bong every night.
My current case that I created out of crystals and thin air, involves a mortgage fraudulent 40 year old bloated man from Vegas, who was arrested for meth possession and gently raping his 17 year old Reese Witherspoon looking cousin. The problem with dealing with felons such as described, is that with a slightly more reasonable stock portfolio and liposuction for the beer belly coupled with a rolex and a taste for cuban cigars and getting weird in the jacuzzi, he sounds like an individual I would like to have a prosecco with at Lavo and talk about Reagan. but Alas he doesnt have instagram.
I am arguably the worst person at doing work that doesnt involve facebook stalking- Alas
Because I am a particularly distracted Detective, I managed to binge on Klonopin and Vinegar and a rich persons poop and FOCUS like a nerdy med student who masturbates to babysitters.
I tracked my subject to the nearest 7-11 off the I 95 in West Chester. Even though the location reeks of low class tax brackets and forever 21 Resort Wear 2014, I managed to push my sophisticated upbringing aside for a nano to handcuff this man with my diamond encrusted hand cuffs passed down from my great Grand Mother who partook in the invention S and M.
See you at Rikers. The wine list is absurd.
now, the reality of my delusional career as a cracked out private investigator is that my personal networth covers the basics: manicures prosecco and abortions.
Thank the Lord Jesus Christ for alimony and kleptomania.
I have a moral compass that has been broken since I cheated my way through Rosay Boarding School and also copied all of my SATS off of Lou Chou Chow Yong Hong Chow Mein.-Meng. My job is to keep secret and preserve the moral integrity of my clients by not revealing the intracies of my cases. But like, Id rather tell you EVERYTHING.
Lucky for you dear readers, I do no not have professional boundaries.
I see no problem in exchanging blow jobs to be taken out to lunch and end nearly every email with "Stay Fly beb" to top level executives and often put deoderant on in the middle of the hallway because my adderalled sweat smell is only appealing to myself and my maid who cooks my bong every night.
My current case that I created out of crystals and thin air, involves a mortgage fraudulent 40 year old bloated man from Vegas, who was arrested for meth possession and gently raping his 17 year old Reese Witherspoon looking cousin. The problem with dealing with felons such as described, is that with a slightly more reasonable stock portfolio and liposuction for the beer belly coupled with a rolex and a taste for cuban cigars and getting weird in the jacuzzi, he sounds like an individual I would like to have a prosecco with at Lavo and talk about Reagan. but Alas he doesnt have instagram.
I am arguably the worst person at doing work that doesnt involve facebook stalking- Alas
Because I am a particularly distracted Detective, I managed to binge on Klonopin and Vinegar and a rich persons poop and FOCUS like a nerdy med student who masturbates to babysitters.
I tracked my subject to the nearest 7-11 off the I 95 in West Chester. Even though the location reeks of low class tax brackets and forever 21 Resort Wear 2014, I managed to push my sophisticated upbringing aside for a nano to handcuff this man with my diamond encrusted hand cuffs passed down from my great Grand Mother who partook in the invention S and M.
See you at Rikers. The wine list is absurd.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Prisons, Projects, and Princesses
The idea is naturally intriguing of marrying an existential hedgefund up and coming tech scene affluent douche bag heavily inundated with mummy issues and a drug problem coupled with one who is decently good at making you come,
In our manic apocoleptic degenerate society where in order to marry into this lifestyle to which we have been accustomed, your physical manifestation of yourself has to be as tight as Marie Antoinette's Vagina
This leads me to a rather vital experiment on the roots of bulimia and parasites and 7 day detox spas in Bali.
The Project Diet:
Women that live in the projects are usually on food stamps and the ones that keep it tight are thin because they physically cannot afford to eat more. Their diet consists of homemade pasta in small portions to save for the week and a lot of okra.
The Prison Diet,
Aside from my casual 30 hour stints in Prison that happen thrice a summer after my few too many French 75s combined with my manic asbergers sauteed in my inability to drive even when sober lends me a few DWI's and thus in Prison. And honestly, its a phenom motivation to continue drinking and driving and receiving DWI's because after I leave Prison, Ive never looked better, the combination of anxiety that I might be raped by someone who has never been to a bat mitzvah is enough to make me poop out every chocolate tiramisu fro yo flavored peanut buttery syrup connoction self created at crimson mango berry 16 can you handle it ever consumed.
Also the meals as a whole are approximately 450 calories each and there is nothing to do but gamble and work out and talk about drugs. Time, Detox, and reflection well spent.
See you at the St. Regis
Stay skinny.
Vote Republican.
In our manic apocoleptic degenerate society where in order to marry into this lifestyle to which we have been accustomed, your physical manifestation of yourself has to be as tight as Marie Antoinette's Vagina
This leads me to a rather vital experiment on the roots of bulimia and parasites and 7 day detox spas in Bali.
The Project Diet:
Women that live in the projects are usually on food stamps and the ones that keep it tight are thin because they physically cannot afford to eat more. Their diet consists of homemade pasta in small portions to save for the week and a lot of okra.
The Prison Diet,
Aside from my casual 30 hour stints in Prison that happen thrice a summer after my few too many French 75s combined with my manic asbergers sauteed in my inability to drive even when sober lends me a few DWI's and thus in Prison. And honestly, its a phenom motivation to continue drinking and driving and receiving DWI's because after I leave Prison, Ive never looked better, the combination of anxiety that I might be raped by someone who has never been to a bat mitzvah is enough to make me poop out every chocolate tiramisu fro yo flavored peanut buttery syrup connoction self created at crimson mango berry 16 can you handle it ever consumed.
Also the meals as a whole are approximately 450 calories each and there is nothing to do but gamble and work out and talk about drugs. Time, Detox, and reflection well spent.
See you at the St. Regis
Stay skinny.
Vote Republican.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
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