I still dont understand why LC didnt go to Paris

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxVmuJTNnqc&feature=related

Elitist Manhattan Men, what makes you think a 130 Am Text is acceptable?

I cannot stress enough how texting has simply ROONED the art of a true Atticus Finch gentleman flirting with a nice well mannered clinically insane  young woman.

Hiding behind your iphone screen to send a witty text does not fool anyone into thinking you do not have a small dick or trust fund.

A highly esteemed well established wealthy blonde member of my inner circle once told me that people and computers will combine into one mushed entity so that we will all live forever.

I do not want this to happen as I do not look good in MAC. People and computers and machines should stay separate.

Essentially, Real Well Bred Classically Trained Pseudo European Cool Bankers/Agents should Be a real person separate from their keyboards and instagrams especially post 9-11.

Avila Beltran is my Hero

For those who are unfamiliar and thus clearly not #WellBredWellRead, Ms. Beltran is the first woman to singlehandedly run a cocaine traffic ring with a side order of money laundering and  underground weapons trading.

Shes skinny, shes hot, she is fluent in English Spanish, French and Arabic is an excellent vegetarian cook and is a beautiful flutist.

I too, hope to follow this impressive woman's footsteps in her astronomically successful operation up until of course she was caught in 07.

When she was arrested she said that not being delivered food from seamless was a violation of her human rights and insisted on her botox upkeep in prison.

Just recently she was extradited back to the US to face charges, but my guess is someone who has drug lord blood in her genealogy, is not a stranger to torturing people, and in her career didnt make buys or sells less than 16 kilos, will somehow find a way to get back in the game.

Im routing for you!

See you at the St. Regis

Carole Radziwill

You are the definition of the creepy cool girl.  You are so creepily perfect in everyway shape and form that I have to ask, are you an actual human being?

For those who are unfamiliar, Carole is the wiry Real Housewife of NYC that is so nice and not annoying to the point that I am annoyed and have to ask, Why are you on this show?

If you are so cool, so chill, so chic and relaxed about your princess title, profits off of dead husband, and all of the drunken oversexed cracked out other Housewife ladies, then what made you join this show?
Clearly we are missing something.
 There is something so eerie about women who claim to only eat pizza, never exercise, and yet look like the late Brittany Murphy in Uptown Girls.

I dont trust her at all, there is a very strong likelihood that she is a psychokiller sociopath who steals orphans and keeps them in her New York City apartment after she blogs.

Im onto you Carole.

Summer House Guests Do's and Dont's Hashtag Please Go Home

I get it.

Summer home’s are the quentessential summer symbol for wealth, never working, and instagramming pictures to your nearest and dearest to accurately display that your family looks richer better and tanner than everyone elses.

.  

Basically in my family of waspy Jews who summer in Nantucket, we like to invite houseguests from our respective circles of insider trading, secret societies, drug addicts models, vets, cops, people I'm trying to bang, and casual hookers. 

Now, Here is the problem with houseguests. They ARE HERE FOR MORE THAN LIKE AN HOUR. PLEASE GO HOME. 

I get sick of most everyone within the first 5 minutes of their stay so when I invite you for the weekend, what I really mean is you should come for cocktail  and smooth jazz hour with some funny anecdotes like the time you pooped on a hooker and blamed it on her and such

 and make other sleeping hotel arrangements unless you plan on going down on me for the rest of your life and giving me millions of cocaine rocks that have already been smushed.

 We have had many a houseguest this summer, SOME of whom have engaged in some serious  FAUX PAWS, And I mean this literally as someone put fake fur on Onyx my Dog. 

Here is a list of things that people did that were SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP throughout the summer.

1.     BE ASIAN

2.     BE ALL UP IN MY GRILL 24/7 with no time to  meditate/masturbate/ sharpen my knives 

3.     Say things like, What can I do to help and then NOT help 

4.     Deliberately have sex with my dear waspy blonde friend who works on a boat and casually Not mention it. Rudeness Giuliani.  You are banished. But indeed you did me a favor as now he has some practice. 

6.     Chainsmoke in a corner alone and not talk to anyone and not throw away your disgusting cigarettes

7.     Pretend that you do not want to have sex with my brother

8.     Request me on facebook while exchanging two words

9.     Drink all of my father's Chateau Le Gay and not immediately replace it 

     Bring up My Shady Drug Use In College in front of my siblings 

     Refuse to share intimate details about your sex life 

      Ignore my facebook request 

See you at the St. Regis Bitches. xoxoxoxoxo

Nantucket Problems- Ill have a Vodka Soda also means I swallow

1. THe Box on Nantucket is like LSD, it was once an important staple of the 60s but is now a sad excuse for those who cant find anything better  The Box is full of DoucheBag J.p Morgan Interns who haven't realized that finance is over and that beer pong is only cool if you are playing with a Hilton.

2. No credit card taxis. I havent seen cash since 2001 and the random ones I have I give to my boyfriend that he can use at the strip club

3. Dark And Stormy Cocktails. I get it. Its waspy. Its Dark, and those who order it play the card of "Im ordering a beer but Im so mature and well read that I am going above and beyond your stella." Ex cuse ay Fuck you. They are very bad for you and reek of a pretentious beginning to an over referenced novel.

4. Strict Drinking Policy, No 21 and under else your cool Canadian I.D that works among the likes of Dartmouth and MiddleBury Campus Bars will soon get confiscated. This poses a serious issue for me as most of my best friends are 15. And also work for me.

5. Nantucket Nectars. They are disgusting and do not have an interesting snapple fact.

6. Commercial Flights. If you are flying to Nantucket, you are already trying too hard. Charter a plane or go home, or else I am unclear how you will bring your fireworks and your cocaine to my establishment.  Put away your Nantucket reds and your Rolex that you got in 1996 and save it for the beach when you can fool me into thinking you come from money instead of proving you do not.

Selling my Eggs for a car and a gun

I need a car and I need a gun but I have no money except for my trust fund which I am unable to touch because I forgot the password and I dont have access to it until I am 37.

So,
Im going to sell my eggs so I can buy a car and a gun.

The problem is I cant drink or smoke or do drugs or be bi polar or have any history of addiction in my family or have sex for two weeks before the operation.

Ill let you know my psych interview goes.

There is a new Glitter Therapy Out there

GlitterTherapy.wordpress.com!!!!!! You DISGUST ME. The mistake you made was not only TO ROB STEAL AND TAKE MY BLOG NAME IN VAIN, but YOU are some Sort of BLonDe Hipster Fashion "witer". Ugh. Please go back to your internship at Corporate Visa and your proFound tumblr musings.

 May your house go into foreclosure and may Santa Clause Get Stuck in your Chimney and May You lose your Uninsured Engagement Ring.

Paul Ryan

Personal DeepThroat Shoutout to the Vice Presidential Candidate. I think you are really sexy. I hope you win!!

Youth At Risk, I buy my own Karma

I was born a Jew, raised like a Wasp and practice Good Manners to people's faces.  I love religion because it is so chic and everyone gets so mad so fast over things and I just cannot get enough of the drama.  God is truly my hero. I hope one day, people fight over me the way they do over God.

I have made up my own religion which is basically a melange of Kabbala Bulimic Buddhism with lots of magic and pills and Karma and Reagan.

Something that I take very seriously is Karma and nothing frightens me more except for the scene when Mufasa dies during the stampede and when My therapist goes on holiday.


I do a lot of charity work for a pleflora of reasons.
Ipso facto
1. So that when I tell my contemporaries at cocktail parties about all the work I do for the non existent community-
 I am automatically deemed a significantly good, nay better person with a heart of gold instead of coke, who cares about things other than dinner reservations and the best dressed list at the Opera

2. SO that when I do bad things such as buy drugs, sleep with peoples husbands, wake children from naps and give people black eyes that the club, my meaningful charity work cancels out this potentially bad karma potentially encroaching upon my soul.

I have signed up to mentor women in organization called Youth At Risk, a name especially fitting, as I myself, consider myself a Youth at Risk
The organization helps mentor teen moms who have no money.

Who better an example to mentor these women than yours truly?


See you at the Ghetto St. Regis.

Sometimes I treat my 10 dollar bills like they are My friends and I absolutely refuse to work #ForeignPorn

I love money so much that sometimes I cuddle with it, masturbate with it and get really high and pretend that Alexander Hamilton is a real person and get into a meaningful yet profound debate about the ethics of his original economic thought.
Disturbing? Maybe, but at least I own my drug problem and ability to connect only with inanimate objects.

The issue of course comes back to the very notion that I simply refuse to work unless it involves selling my prescriptions.

However, when I saw an add on richandlazygirlswhosmokecigsatlebain.com for Foot Fetish girls I knew I found my calling.

Essentially one goes to an apartment on the Lower East Side by yourself and men make appointments with you to suck on your toes and pay you 125$ an hour. What is bullshit is that the house takes 60 percent which means I would only walk away with 100 dollars an hour but thats more than enough to blaze and get tuna tartare at Lavo.

Also, I could really use some new and interesting friends. Men who have a fascination with feet must have had a really unique upbringing and if they have the funds to support such a questionable fetish than perhaps they have a beachHouse in Miami and a jamaican maid who will cook my bong and put my socks on properly.

See you in a dimly lit apartment on the Lower East Side if I haven't been killed.


I hate my parents.

Is Drunk Eating some sort of generation thing

All of my friends and enemies parents are raging alcoholics in the classiest most respected way, but from what I have gathered, seem to get completely obliterated and then go about their business and not indulge in ridiculous behavior like Taco Bell or late night Room Service .

It has become the norm of generation Herve le Adderal to go to the CVS and get chocolate covered pretzels and order seamless tuna tartare. 

Disgusting. 

I suggest we look to the example our sex starved nearly senile parents and simply drink a few bottles of Cote -De -Rhone -I -dont- know 

and pass out on the table or in the Back of the BEnz and have driver tuck us in and read us a story. 

See you at the St. Regis. 

Mother says my blog is stale this week

Father is more interested in my bohemian waitress career than my pi work
Brother says me and all my celebrity friends are super weird
Sister is younger and prettier and has only made one mistake in her life when she got Stranded in Tahiti

Things that make me want to kill myself

1. Con Edison
2. When Housekeepers lose your shit
3. no outlets at bars
4. men who don't pay for drinks
5. Natty Light
6. Restaurants that dont take Amex or serve Ceviche
7. Old money outfits

If you get very violent around a Bread Basket and wear a Blazer we will most likely Be friends

Restaurant Decorum Glitter Therapy  Tutorial with special assistance from my Dad

Carbs at restaurants like terrorists are alarming, but instead of saying no thank you to the waitress  violently remind her that you do not want them.  

This allows the rest of the dining patrons at your table and around you that you do not mess around. 

When you order wine, make sure it has a very French name. Use words like varietal, full body, backbone, and chocolately jammy, oakyness. 

When you order, make sure you substitute everything with everything else and if it is cooked, ask if you can bake it and sautee it with splenda and klonopin.

Spill your drinks. All of them. 

Ask to hear the specials in both English and Italian 

Go to the bathroom with your purse to let everyone know you have drugs and are not invited 

A lot of things have cleared since I have started smoking marijuana

I used to be the anti stoner, as it reeks of lower income problems and plants.

The world spends too much time caring about plants and not enough time on rap and people on welfare   who dont need it.

Then I realized, what If I got properly stoned and socialized with rich boys who like R. Kelly and fingering.

So I am starting a movement for Rich and Classy Stoners who get high in our Christian Louboutins quoting Russian Existentialists and jamming to "one love" and the Lion King's "They Live in you" Chilling.

Ipso facto I have come to the realization that

1. Everyone I meet has a little bit of stripes and dots of homosexuality
2. I have like 4 stalkers
3. I dont have that much money in comparison to the Rich Kids of Instagram and the Blankfield's
4.  I buy my own Karma by doing charity work with poor kids
5. I should have been more properly acknowledged in Mother's book
6. I will only have an orgasm with an 100 dollar bill
7. it is a harsh reality concerning the dynamics of the inconsistency of loyalty by those you need the most

Sexy Manhattan Dentist from the Little Shop of Horrors

Only in Manhattan can dentists turn  into Celebrities. 

When carried into the office, I feel like Im at a casting call for America's Next Top Housewife where water with lemon and pseudo intellectual magazines are served. 

 The receptionist is Indian but British, which shows education and weath, 

 and judges me by my bleeding scabs and unbrushed hair. 

Dentists office today, for the cracked out 1% are the new wine bars where "upsell" is how the receptionist can afford to wear Jimmy Choos and take klonopin. 

 She told me it was essential I get veneers which landed into the biggest family argument next to whether or not is was appropriate to go to the TLC concert 

Father and Mother did not like "The red light Special" yet ironically I will most likely dance to this at my wedding with my father. 

ANYWAY

HYGENIST, let me paint this masterpiece of disaster

 Hot early 40s but single Shudder. Id rather be married and miserable than single. Because single equals miserable. 2 words. one paycheck. Also, single post 37 in this town is an automatic translation for high maintenance baggage that is unsalvageable by sex. 

 She gave several cultural references to prove to me her Renaissance interests without any prompting from me as if to prove to me that she was somehow more than just an anorexic neurotic teeth cleaner reminiscent of the Sadistic Dentist in the Little Shop of Horrors. 

She was proud of me for pursuing my private investigative sleazy narcotic not so trivial pursuits, and gave me some sound career advice. 

1. Take pictures of babies with their nannies and send them to their parents to showcase that their 35 dollar an hour Russian nanny is simply instagramming and texting in Slavic. 

2.  Hack into people's twitter accounts using a hacking device she had in her purse 

3. Pay her a fee to get the contact lists of everyone in Dentist office and call them to solicit private investigation work. 

EVERYBODY BETTER BEWAAREEEEEEEEEEEE, Little Shop, Little Shop of Horrors 

Private Investigation

As I am an obscure Pseudo Ivy League artistic genius who quotes Proust and name drops Hemingway Characters like they are my friends, I take very seriously my reading list. 

Currently I am reading the Idiots Guide to Private Investigation and Veganism. I have both but the pages got  stuck together so one page is about proper gun care and the next are the health benefits of honey inserted in your vagina. 

The Pi Book says that if you are in the field of Private Investigation for the ferrari's the glitz, the glam, and for wooing all your friends at cocktail parties undoubtedly making you the coolest girl in the room, this profession is not for you. 

Whoops. 

Hey its Ok! The summer Edition

Hey! its Ok to

have sex with the door open in your studio

go to underground Poker Clubs and claim your fluency in Spanish

Look through peoples drawers at parties and help yourself to their makeup, loose change, prescriptions
as I always say, If its not put away its yours

Invite your drug dealer to your wedding

Get into personal hardcore arguments at cocktail parties for all to observe and make below the belt claims about their children, husband and work that real housewives would deem "too far"

Solicit your high school teachers for casual drinks

roofie your parents

i Am not well

It really grinds my diamond encrusted gears when people think I am well.  

It is fairly obvious that my instagram showcases a global depiction of fun laughter drugs and uncomfortable sex, let us not forget the insufferable pain that comes with being me. 

1 Percent Waitress How to lose your job in 10 days

I have decided that whilst I am pursuing my narcotic hypnotic Private Investigation High Profile Nanny Escort  Silicone Valley Housewife  initiatives

 I need to make money on the side to pay for meth and diet coke. waiting tables. How hard can serving bulimic Russian Socialites and their grandfather dates be?

A Very important question arises, can I sink down to the ranks of the bougieouse when my educational background demands an art gallery assistant for Sothebys, a Bain Consultant or a Media Coodinator for Michael Kors?

Ill call myself an entrepreneur while my dad pays all my bills. The sad catch phrase of ACT YOUR WAGE was permeating through my ears, but alas, I realized I could potentially make more money than those fashion PR cunts with a push up bra and a flirty yet sadistic smile.

I like wine and I like watching people eat food. And I realized that the chicest literary artists before us like Kate Moss and F Scott once waited tables, so I too could join the ranks of the help and hope that my shifts end just in time for me to make my Teterboro flight to Nantucket.

Alas I created a resume that spoke to the  highest abilities of my fine dining experiences. I was fingered for the first time at the 4 Seasons which is essentially the same thing as serving crudo and Johnny Walker Black to Wall Street execs.

Server at the 4 Seasons.

However, once I was fired under false pretenses like my non existent prenup that I will never sign,  I was asked to leave quicker than a hooker at 2 PM at the Beverly Hills Hotel. fiRED. Its chic.

Heres Why.

1. I drank the wine
2. I dont know how to write
3. I dont know how to use a computer system
4. Flats are disgusting
5. I left my tables to go to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror
6.  I made up specials as I saw fit
7. I put arsenic in people's food that were not attractive
8. I stole from the register
9. I sweat profusely from adderal rendering the discomfort of many but not all  patrons

I spent 26 thousand dollars last month and my parents gave me a DEBIT CARD

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Send me Your Pin Hashtag You are poor

I would just like to put it out there that I have never owned a blackberry and have an iphone since the 6th grade.

Send me your pin also sounds like some grotesque recreation of the 60s Bye Bye Birdie Going Steady Song.

I was definitely born in the right generation
See: Adderal, Black presidents presenting more opportune racism, and the downfall of wall street mixed in with the rise of bloggers and Lazy Trust Find post modern Dot Commers