I have no idea where my vagina is
I frequently bleed at work
I have mistaken shots of grey goose for rubbing alcohol 19 times this week
My theripast and I have had to have several sessions on the inappropriateness of calling her home past 2am
I mix dischage in smoothies
I cant eat cars table water crackers without 2 oz of caviar
I screwed one of Fathers employee's and he wont call me back and Father refuses to fire him because of his valuable Houston accounts
Ive only been on page 6 when I threw a party in the 90's when my parents were in Switzerland and one of the kids "fell off" the rooftop and smashed his skull
My resume is 65% complete lies except for my abilities in the saxaphone and my knowledge of every lyric to Legally Blonde the Musical
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Baby Gucci Boomers Refuse to Get Old and It is beyond creepy
Rich old people, born from 1945-1970 have taken your typical botox cosmetic medicinal surgical processes to stay youthful to a whole new level of absurdity and I want that money.
It is time to face facts, Gucci Baby Boomers, we Love you for your money, wisdom, and Chanel Suits from the 80's, your playbills from 60's broadway musicals, your war stories about avoiding Viet Nam by "feigning" schizophrenia but wake up and smell the Vodka mummies and daddies. You are no longer 45
Its time to accept reality and give us the money that you use to try to stop the lost cause of making time stand still. I am by no means saying to stop excercising, eating well, and maintaining an unhealthy lifestyle that makes you attractive. I am just saying that accept the fact that your children are better more attactive smarter versions of you. The money should be spent buying them into college, careers, bar tabs, and house mortgages in order to continue to raise them in the lifestyle to which they are accostomed well into their old age.
By the way if you are reading this you still owe me 100 dollars
It is time to face facts, Gucci Baby Boomers, we Love you for your money, wisdom, and Chanel Suits from the 80's, your playbills from 60's broadway musicals, your war stories about avoiding Viet Nam by "feigning" schizophrenia but wake up and smell the Vodka mummies and daddies. You are no longer 45
Its time to accept reality and give us the money that you use to try to stop the lost cause of making time stand still. I am by no means saying to stop excercising, eating well, and maintaining an unhealthy lifestyle that makes you attractive. I am just saying that accept the fact that your children are better more attactive smarter versions of you. The money should be spent buying them into college, careers, bar tabs, and house mortgages in order to continue to raise them in the lifestyle to which they are accostomed well into their old age.
By the way if you are reading this you still owe me 100 dollars
Eviction due to Excessive Marijuana Use- just as Shaggy "It wasnt me"
The upside of living with Parents in this post apocalyptic generation (post college)- maid service, chef cooked meals, access to rooms with chandeliers to host cocktails to impress friends, and an abundance of liquor and ambien.
The downside- have to be quiet during sex, constant anxiety over siblings/staff stealing my presciptions, and overal general hatred of the painful yet obvious realization that without Father's stock market establishment, I am just a homeless vet with trashy style and a slutty yet smiley disposition. See Audrina Patridge
Brother, my attractive, violent, disturbed, angry, sophisticated, entitled, wise, more popular sibling- cannot go 4 hours without smoking the Hash which has made my neighbors, who are classified as a heart surgeon who's wife anorexic psychotheripast with maternal vibes and a warm smile has threatened to call the police several times as her less than top tier designer wardrobe despite her 5th avenue Address, has become inundated with the smell of the semi U.S legalized substance.
When I see her in the marble lobby I remind her that I am taking my brother to his chemotherapy in the off chance that she will find solace and pity and not force us to have our maids pack our things and find another place to emotionall scar each other.
Father has taken a different approach, which I like to call the Shaggy excuse "It wasnt me"
He has taken it upon himself to blame the asian neighbors all of whom have not started their period yet, but is in the midst of writing an excel pie chart to document that the marijuana use is not coming from our loving gracious christian home, but from China (the apartment downstairs)
"saw you smokin on the counter"..."It wasnt me" THanks Shaggy.
The downside- have to be quiet during sex, constant anxiety over siblings/staff stealing my presciptions, and overal general hatred of the painful yet obvious realization that without Father's stock market establishment, I am just a homeless vet with trashy style and a slutty yet smiley disposition. See Audrina Patridge
Brother, my attractive, violent, disturbed, angry, sophisticated, entitled, wise, more popular sibling- cannot go 4 hours without smoking the Hash which has made my neighbors, who are classified as a heart surgeon who's wife anorexic psychotheripast with maternal vibes and a warm smile has threatened to call the police several times as her less than top tier designer wardrobe despite her 5th avenue Address, has become inundated with the smell of the semi U.S legalized substance.
When I see her in the marble lobby I remind her that I am taking my brother to his chemotherapy in the off chance that she will find solace and pity and not force us to have our maids pack our things and find another place to emotionall scar each other.
Father has taken a different approach, which I like to call the Shaggy excuse "It wasnt me"
He has taken it upon himself to blame the asian neighbors all of whom have not started their period yet, but is in the midst of writing an excel pie chart to document that the marijuana use is not coming from our loving gracious christian home, but from China (the apartment downstairs)
"saw you smokin on the counter"..."It wasnt me" THanks Shaggy.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Pour Vodka down the mailshoot and other goals
Catch Someone at Goldman Sachs doing lines in the bathroom
Take facebook photos with celebrities with the caption Me and my girls and mean it
Stop wearing bras at the Club
Smoke more cigarettes at Breakfast
Make overt sexual passes at my driver
Only answer emails in French
go to church naked or in ass less chaps
hone in my relationship with my Gay
become the face of la Mer
start doing kegels whilst giving presentations to the board
coin a new phrase for queef
get some help for this borderline unhealthy borderline sexual obsession with Father
Convince customs that I have citizenship in every european country
Take facebook photos with celebrities with the caption Me and my girls and mean it
Stop wearing bras at the Club
Smoke more cigarettes at Breakfast
Make overt sexual passes at my driver
Only answer emails in French
go to church naked or in ass less chaps
hone in my relationship with my Gay
become the face of la Mer
start doing kegels whilst giving presentations to the board
coin a new phrase for queef
get some help for this borderline unhealthy borderline sexual obsession with Father
Convince customs that I have citizenship in every european country
Sex life in the Elevator
In my 5th Avenue pied a terre my elevator is so slow that I would have enough time to solve the employment crisis and global warming if I know how and what those things were. On a postive note, I use that time to make notes in my iphone about what to discuss with my theripast lest I forget.
There is nothing worse than small talk in the elevator, as when someone says how are you? I do not want to lie and say I am good, as I am obviously not.
So instead I say nothing and indulge part of my weekend.
Skinny Rich Smart Neighbor who I have witnessed smoking and crying : How are you?
Glitter Theripast: I think Im moving, I met a guy this weekend and he made me feel very good, physically.
Neighbor: Ok
Glitter Theripast: Yes
There is nothing worse than small talk in the elevator, as when someone says how are you? I do not want to lie and say I am good, as I am obviously not.
So instead I say nothing and indulge part of my weekend.
Skinny Rich Smart Neighbor who I have witnessed smoking and crying : How are you?
Glitter Theripast: I think Im moving, I met a guy this weekend and he made me feel very good, physically.
Neighbor: Ok
Glitter Theripast: Yes
Who would have thought the accident with uncontrollable bleeding was not me
I truly understand what the critically acclaimed Asher Roth meant when he said "that party last night was awfully crazy I wish we taped it"
Like most financially overindulged manic depressive alcoholic sociopaths with anti social tendencies, I was wildly uncool in high school, university, in the office, on capital hill, and essentially all social constructions of society. In fact, I find myself most comfortable in a funeral home or at a barbeque with the late Aaron Spelling and the actress who played Topanga.
Every now and then, under the right circumstances and medication, balanced with a number of ugly less wealthy people, we all get a chance to be part of the group and absorb the Lessons from "popular" that Kristin Chenowith taught us.
My advice to the losers in society but the winners in the stockmarket is to party from the bottom of your prosecco filled heart, and with the right swedish mafia techno beat, the right number of shots that leave you somewhere between blackout yet sober enough to remember to give head without teeth, a hit of ex, a salad nicoise, and a few nice people who like to travel and not judge you for your family's 3rd go at group therapy,
Then you too, can maybe, one day, stop bleeding at the clubs and live in the moment from Miama to Ibizia.
Like most financially overindulged manic depressive alcoholic sociopaths with anti social tendencies, I was wildly uncool in high school, university, in the office, on capital hill, and essentially all social constructions of society. In fact, I find myself most comfortable in a funeral home or at a barbeque with the late Aaron Spelling and the actress who played Topanga.
Every now and then, under the right circumstances and medication, balanced with a number of ugly less wealthy people, we all get a chance to be part of the group and absorb the Lessons from "popular" that Kristin Chenowith taught us.
My advice to the losers in society but the winners in the stockmarket is to party from the bottom of your prosecco filled heart, and with the right swedish mafia techno beat, the right number of shots that leave you somewhere between blackout yet sober enough to remember to give head without teeth, a hit of ex, a salad nicoise, and a few nice people who like to travel and not judge you for your family's 3rd go at group therapy,
Then you too, can maybe, one day, stop bleeding at the clubs and live in the moment from Miama to Ibizia.
The next time a girl is mean to you wish her the best
May your house go into foreclosure
May your office start doing Random Drug Tests
May your theripast get pregnant and go on maternity leave
May your Father's deal not close..EVEr
May your interior decoration look like a cross between Theresa Guidice and Snooki
May you be chewing gum whilst giving a blow job and get it stuck in his pubic hair
May you always get detained and thoroughly searched at Customs
May your macbook be filled with poorly cut porn
May your nostrils permanently close
May your assistant never be competent
May your twitter never have as many followers as any of the Kardashian half sisters
May your office start doing Random Drug Tests
May your theripast get pregnant and go on maternity leave
May your Father's deal not close..EVEr
May your interior decoration look like a cross between Theresa Guidice and Snooki
May you be chewing gum whilst giving a blow job and get it stuck in his pubic hair
May you always get detained and thoroughly searched at Customs
May your macbook be filled with poorly cut porn
May your nostrils permanently close
May your assistant never be competent
May your twitter never have as many followers as any of the Kardashian half sisters
AIDS BENEFIT: YoU cant come unless you are thin enough to look like you have aids
The Recent benefit I attended for save AIDS in order to dry hump an executive, I was confused about the surrounding crowd as I could not tell who the actual guests were and who the patients were. Everyone was so painfully ill looking in a really attractive way. Normally I do not support diseases as that is disgusting but I heard that P Diddy was going to be there and I hear he has really amazing weed.
The decorations also looked as if a snow globe exploded in an Ed Hopper Painting. It was a lot of mess in a particularly clean stable and sterile room, which left me no choice but to start smoking and perfect my french accent and pray that one cant get AIDS by wishing Ill upon others who have wealthier dads.
The decorations also looked as if a snow globe exploded in an Ed Hopper Painting. It was a lot of mess in a particularly clean stable and sterile room, which left me no choice but to start smoking and perfect my french accent and pray that one cant get AIDS by wishing Ill upon others who have wealthier dads.
Dont hate me cause Im Jewish- hate me cause your man thinks I am
Lets face it, the only religion that is relevant in the post apocalytpic generation is Judi iasm. Why?
Because Jews are the only religion left still crazy enough to think they are more chosen than anyone else.
In my personal expert opinion, the only relevant religion are the ones with the people in oil, ARABS. But not the violent ones who blow up buildings out of sexual frustration and hatred for freedom, the Alladin Sultan types al hum du lay lah.
The problem is that saudi's and white people produce a strange looking offspring who will not be able to solve the Israeli Palestinian Conflict as that would be choosing either Mom or Dad. Not to mention, Arabs they hold up the line in security at Heathrow.
Men who are wealthy in New York are Jewish and ipso facto want to marry a Jew. I am the next generation of Jews, the best of both worlds. Born into the faith, speak Arabic, wear a cross, celebrate Christmas, quote Jesus on twitter, and skipped all of the Bat mitzvah services because they were so boring and just went to the parties.
Jesus Loves You. Jesus Was Jewish. Convert. Subvert. Get money.
Because Jews are the only religion left still crazy enough to think they are more chosen than anyone else.
In my personal expert opinion, the only relevant religion are the ones with the people in oil, ARABS. But not the violent ones who blow up buildings out of sexual frustration and hatred for freedom, the Alladin Sultan types al hum du lay lah.
The problem is that saudi's and white people produce a strange looking offspring who will not be able to solve the Israeli Palestinian Conflict as that would be choosing either Mom or Dad. Not to mention, Arabs they hold up the line in security at Heathrow.
Men who are wealthy in New York are Jewish and ipso facto want to marry a Jew. I am the next generation of Jews, the best of both worlds. Born into the faith, speak Arabic, wear a cross, celebrate Christmas, quote Jesus on twitter, and skipped all of the Bat mitzvah services because they were so boring and just went to the parties.
Jesus Loves You. Jesus Was Jewish. Convert. Subvert. Get money.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Rehab is embarressing, makes you fat, and the staff is wildly unsexual
Im sorry that your boyfriend cheats on you, (you do too, so STFU),
you have moved from a size 00 to a size 0,
your trust fund isnt as big as you thought it was,
you didnt get reservations at the 4 seasons for Christmas eve,
your maid got deported,
your husband's dick can no longer get hard,
you are not in the first row of first class on your holiday to Istanbul.
Turning to drugs and alcohol as a crutch to cope with reality is a sure fire way to tell the world I do not run shit on this campus.
Rehab for cocaine or alcohol is essentially telling the world that you have so much money you dont know what to do with it and cant properly party, which is a sign of impure breeding and an attemption of being part of the upper creme de la creme upper class society.
Get it together. Get over yourself, grab some anti depressants, a xanax, a vibrator, a pastor for confession, fat free sorbet, and go get a massage at Canyon Ranch.
you have moved from a size 00 to a size 0,
your trust fund isnt as big as you thought it was,
you didnt get reservations at the 4 seasons for Christmas eve,
your maid got deported,
your husband's dick can no longer get hard,
you are not in the first row of first class on your holiday to Istanbul.
Turning to drugs and alcohol as a crutch to cope with reality is a sure fire way to tell the world I do not run shit on this campus.
Rehab for cocaine or alcohol is essentially telling the world that you have so much money you dont know what to do with it and cant properly party, which is a sign of impure breeding and an attemption of being part of the upper creme de la creme upper class society.
Get it together. Get over yourself, grab some anti depressants, a xanax, a vibrator, a pastor for confession, fat free sorbet, and go get a massage at Canyon Ranch.
Sleeping your way to the Top: Career Advice from the Glitter Therapist
1. Sleep with as many co workers as you can, they are more likely to help you with your work, if they have an accurate picture of your naked body
2. Take your lunch hour to lift weights, no one wants to be known as the office liberal fatty, in fact, continue to lift at your desk in 20 minute intervals and also whilst on the phone to maximize physical efficiency and office productivity
3. Whilst doing lines of coke off the trading floor, be sure to share with the receptionist, she doesnt have your pay check nor your father's tax bracket, and thus cannot afford this luxury, ipso facto, she may just be able to schedule your meeting with the CEO and update your facebook page.
4. Greet all the hire- ups with a "Yo what's up dawg" and during business meetings whilst discussing the spring fashion line, legal paper work, stock options, or whatever it may be that you pretend to do, make sure you accenuate your blaccent and finish every comment with "Straight up, this is how I see it yo, DoW Jones is climbing way to the tippity top fo sheezy my neezy and the market be like volatile, thug life, word son.
5. Smoke cigs outside the office building and make sure everyone sees you, this gives off the impression that you lead an extremely stressful lifestyle in your line of work and are so busy that your only moment of relief is the nicotine coursing through your veins
6. sprinkle your salad nicoise with adderall
7. Wear a piece of jewlery of intensity, a diamond cross, a rolex, a princess crown given to you by the late lady Di or a different princess of similar stature who also was killed by the papparazzi and or the Kennedy's
8. Treat women like they do not know what they are doing, i.e refer to them as babe, hon, sweetie, gal, doll face, fuckmoney, and mushycush, this will make them uncomfortable and sad and encourage them to go back to where they belong, the bedroom and the gym.
9. send all your work to your parents, Father essentially runs the UK, so naturally he has time to correct my powerpoint as I am too busy making my soft core in the conference room with the pizza delivery guys.
And now for Some DONTS
1. Dont talk about how hungover you are, sounds unprofessional, juvenile, and borderline retarded, and un frat star like, as clearly you cannot handle your alcohol nor can you properly get laid, no one likes an alcoholic who is unfunctional, gives the rest of us a bad name
2. It is in poor taste to take the subway, especially if you were brought up in the 40% tax bracket, show up with your driver
3. Dont come on to your CEO the first day, ease in, be friend his wife, by his kids gifts, and slowly but surely go into the office, and drop your papers so he gets a phenom view of your zumba fied ass.
4. Dont complain about work, the unemployment rate, due to this obama nation is high enough, and there are plenty of rich children with no skills and less manners who will gladly take your job. You sound like an ungrateful spoiled little bitch when you complain and no ones needs to know the truth except your theripast.
5. Have sex with the boss's daughter. You will never get fired. Unless you sleep with me and work at Father's firm and dont call text, email, tweet me everyday telling me that you cant imagine life without me and want to be in a facebook relationship. Then I will have to blacklist you not only from the inner circle but from the mid tier club establishments in New York, Los Angeles, London and Paris.
See you at the St Regis
Stay Fresh Stay Medicated Stay Rich
2. Take your lunch hour to lift weights, no one wants to be known as the office liberal fatty, in fact, continue to lift at your desk in 20 minute intervals and also whilst on the phone to maximize physical efficiency and office productivity
3. Whilst doing lines of coke off the trading floor, be sure to share with the receptionist, she doesnt have your pay check nor your father's tax bracket, and thus cannot afford this luxury, ipso facto, she may just be able to schedule your meeting with the CEO and update your facebook page.
4. Greet all the hire- ups with a "Yo what's up dawg" and during business meetings whilst discussing the spring fashion line, legal paper work, stock options, or whatever it may be that you pretend to do, make sure you accenuate your blaccent and finish every comment with "Straight up, this is how I see it yo, DoW Jones is climbing way to the tippity top fo sheezy my neezy and the market be like volatile, thug life, word son.
5. Smoke cigs outside the office building and make sure everyone sees you, this gives off the impression that you lead an extremely stressful lifestyle in your line of work and are so busy that your only moment of relief is the nicotine coursing through your veins
6. sprinkle your salad nicoise with adderall
7. Wear a piece of jewlery of intensity, a diamond cross, a rolex, a princess crown given to you by the late lady Di or a different princess of similar stature who also was killed by the papparazzi and or the Kennedy's
8. Treat women like they do not know what they are doing, i.e refer to them as babe, hon, sweetie, gal, doll face, fuckmoney, and mushycush, this will make them uncomfortable and sad and encourage them to go back to where they belong, the bedroom and the gym.
9. send all your work to your parents, Father essentially runs the UK, so naturally he has time to correct my powerpoint as I am too busy making my soft core in the conference room with the pizza delivery guys.
And now for Some DONTS
1. Dont talk about how hungover you are, sounds unprofessional, juvenile, and borderline retarded, and un frat star like, as clearly you cannot handle your alcohol nor can you properly get laid, no one likes an alcoholic who is unfunctional, gives the rest of us a bad name
2. It is in poor taste to take the subway, especially if you were brought up in the 40% tax bracket, show up with your driver
3. Dont come on to your CEO the first day, ease in, be friend his wife, by his kids gifts, and slowly but surely go into the office, and drop your papers so he gets a phenom view of your zumba fied ass.
4. Dont complain about work, the unemployment rate, due to this obama nation is high enough, and there are plenty of rich children with no skills and less manners who will gladly take your job. You sound like an ungrateful spoiled little bitch when you complain and no ones needs to know the truth except your theripast.
5. Have sex with the boss's daughter. You will never get fired. Unless you sleep with me and work at Father's firm and dont call text, email, tweet me everyday telling me that you cant imagine life without me and want to be in a facebook relationship. Then I will have to blacklist you not only from the inner circle but from the mid tier club establishments in New York, Los Angeles, London and Paris.
See you at the St Regis
Stay Fresh Stay Medicated Stay Rich
Monday, June 20, 2011
My saltine dealer
I am morally, ethically, and personally against buying "Dunny Crackers" at the supermarket. I refer to saltines as Dunny Crackers as My Black Mama (nanny) who raised me was named Justine and I could not yet say Justine so I called her Dunny and she always ate saltine's so I referred to them as Dunny Crackers.
I love Dunny, she bathed me until I was in the 8th grade.
There is something somewhat childhood crushing about buying dunny crackers at the supermarket since, in my experience they did not come from the supermarket but from Dunny.
So now I have a saltine dealer who looks just like Dunny and when I have a craving to be like a little girl again and be fed crackers, I call up my dealer who is black and he sells me crackers and meets me on the corner of Rodeo Drive so I do not have to go to the supermarket.
I love Dunny, she bathed me until I was in the 8th grade.
There is something somewhat childhood crushing about buying dunny crackers at the supermarket since, in my experience they did not come from the supermarket but from Dunny.
So now I have a saltine dealer who looks just like Dunny and when I have a craving to be like a little girl again and be fed crackers, I call up my dealer who is black and he sells me crackers and meets me on the corner of Rodeo Drive so I do not have to go to the supermarket.
Dont spit on my cupcake and tell me they are rhinestones
I hate people who tell me they are richer than they are. So when we go to a club and you do not split the bottle service and expect me to then pay for the cab and buy you brunch you are out of the inner circle and Im suing you for your maid and 1500 to boot.
Bottoms up Bitch
Bottoms up Bitch
working with boys
So I have a new job, which essentially means I sit at my desk, take a 3 hour lunch break, write my memoir, drink diet coke and organize happy hours, tell my driver when to pick me up, go see the boss who also slept with 2nd cousin back in the 80's which is why I have this CEOppPosition as I still have access to the footage.
SO working with men, I constantly have to remind myself that it is not professional to offer sexual services in exchange for finishing my powerpoints nor is it attractive to publically display my slit wrists and bleeding scabs due to the emotional leftovers of my deeply troubled childhood. Nor is it at all cute to forget I have my period and bleed all over my white skirt. Blood is hot only when derived from nails scratching on one's partner's back and slit wrists with shaggy playing the background.
SO working with men, I constantly have to remind myself that it is not professional to offer sexual services in exchange for finishing my powerpoints nor is it attractive to publically display my slit wrists and bleeding scabs due to the emotional leftovers of my deeply troubled childhood. Nor is it at all cute to forget I have my period and bleed all over my white skirt. Blood is hot only when derived from nails scratching on one's partner's back and slit wrists with shaggy playing the background.
8 bottles of Grey goose.. SHUT UP
Heres what it comes down to. I have to maximize my evenings of meeting rich 20 something year old stock brokers, which means I have to forgo going to the theatre with my dad which makes me seem less cultural, yet gives me more time to practice my game.
Dancing in the clubs in this century looks increasingly more and more like people are getting beaten and raped and not in a good way.
Thats why I have realized that even though when men are trying to impress us by telling us about the half a dozen bottles of grey goose they purchased at a less than middle tier establishment, it is significantly better than being nearly ass raped by the a gentleman who looks like he could fit into the cryps gang.
Dancing in the clubs in this century looks increasingly more and more like people are getting beaten and raped and not in a good way.
Thats why I have realized that even though when men are trying to impress us by telling us about the half a dozen bottles of grey goose they purchased at a less than middle tier establishment, it is significantly better than being nearly ass raped by the a gentleman who looks like he could fit into the cryps gang.
Monday, June 13, 2011
nail me if im wrong but are we still in Iraq? and other genuine curiosities
Is it appropriate to discuss black baby adoption at family dinners?
Can I wear a turban at Bergdorfs?
Can I go to incest goup meetings for blog material?
Do I still do time if I accidentally poison step mum rendering her incapable of producing more inheritance stealers?
Are we afraid to say Obama is the most shameful president because we'll be accused of being racist?
If I pick scabs and bleed all over the sheets in a hotel should I seek more personal help?
Is it only minorly offensive to tell women in the British clubs that their muffin tops arent cute but make me feel really great about myself?
That I trip on acid watching intervention and book a ticket to Havana during commercials?
Can I wear a turban at Bergdorfs?
Can I go to incest goup meetings for blog material?
Do I still do time if I accidentally poison step mum rendering her incapable of producing more inheritance stealers?
Are we afraid to say Obama is the most shameful president because we'll be accused of being racist?
If I pick scabs and bleed all over the sheets in a hotel should I seek more personal help?
Is it only minorly offensive to tell women in the British clubs that their muffin tops arent cute but make me feel really great about myself?
That I trip on acid watching intervention and book a ticket to Havana during commercials?
Hey Zeus, I didnt ask you to die for my sins
Im Jewl ish, meaning I like cartier and fast on yom kippur and when im feeling morbidly obese and am allowed to say that palestine is for the israeli's, even though its way hotter to say that they should share the land and kum bay yah my vagina.
Jesus, Ive decided to wear a gangster slanted cross, as Jesus was Jewl ish and he reminds me that a random outsider can convince his whole crew to start a completely new religion. Then to make it even better he decided to say Im going to die for all of you and nail myself to two sticks. Listen, Ive got to side with the Romans here and say hold the phone and stop taking credit for my sins. I love to sin and Ill say it again and to the media despite what my publicist tells me.
Listen kiddo, Ill give you a phenom blow job but I will not allow you to make me feel bad about not caring about others just because your wrists are bleeding. Mine bleed everyday and you dont see me asking people to say Im the daughter of God, even though I am pretty positive that I am.
Jesus, Ive decided to wear a gangster slanted cross, as Jesus was Jewl ish and he reminds me that a random outsider can convince his whole crew to start a completely new religion. Then to make it even better he decided to say Im going to die for all of you and nail myself to two sticks. Listen, Ive got to side with the Romans here and say hold the phone and stop taking credit for my sins. I love to sin and Ill say it again and to the media despite what my publicist tells me.
Listen kiddo, Ill give you a phenom blow job but I will not allow you to make me feel bad about not caring about others just because your wrists are bleeding. Mine bleed everyday and you dont see me asking people to say Im the daughter of God, even though I am pretty positive that I am.
Heathrow is a wigwam and why Obama is worse than K. Marx
Coming back from Russia to London, Heathrow had been infiltrated by red dotted people which created a line that nearly rendered me incapable of tweeting at the Ivy and practicing my British accent to the waiters. At least my tweets at Heathrow airport sounded wealthy as HEathrow is the only airport acceptable for social climbing socialites to talk about as any other implies that your father cant afford a private jet with a pilot who has a turban and tolerates terrorist jokes. Jihad it coming
The customs line was so incredibly long, which at least gave me enough time to hide my russian drugs and gave me some quality time to reflect on the severe defunctness of our current leader of the free world known my princess Coulter as B. Hussein. The line was so long and the unemployment rate is so high. Ipso facto give the unemployed jobs at customs and make the line go faster and make Heathrow look less like Tiger Lily's wigwam home establishment real estate project and more like Kate Middleton's hot hangout spot.
The customs line was so incredibly long, which at least gave me enough time to hide my russian drugs and gave me some quality time to reflect on the severe defunctness of our current leader of the free world known my princess Coulter as B. Hussein. The line was so long and the unemployment rate is so high. Ipso facto give the unemployed jobs at customs and make the line go faster and make Heathrow look less like Tiger Lily's wigwam home establishment real estate project and more like Kate Middleton's hot hangout spot.
Moscow Russian Cultured Hooker: Thats my jam
I went to Moscow as a gift from father as I am essentially the best thing that ever happened to him besides the Reagan administration and wall street tax breaks. On my quest to meet a rich business man, Ive discovered that the way to do this is a universal practice on all continents. The recipe is as follows, short skirt, louboutin heels, dark eyeliner, push up bra, 6 shots of belvedere to achieve the confused vulnerable and down to party look, this method is the easiest most painless way to say im rich but easy.
Sister and I met a man at the Grand Hotel whilst drinking French 75's, he offered to lend us his driver to visit a castle but sister declined his offer on account of questionable safety and sketchiness of the situation, 2 things that I rarely factor into my decision making. This is probably why I ended up with a Russian STD and my tip in worthless Russian Rubles.
Sister and I met a man at the Grand Hotel whilst drinking French 75's, he offered to lend us his driver to visit a castle but sister declined his offer on account of questionable safety and sketchiness of the situation, 2 things that I rarely factor into my decision making. This is probably why I ended up with a Russian STD and my tip in worthless Russian Rubles.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Things I miss when Im not in America
therapist
the enquirer
ben franklins face
my housekeeper who knows that I like my percocet in my louboutins instead of the nightstand
the ability to plug things in without adapters
free texting
complaining about Obama
my dealer
trips to the cape
the ability to dance around naked in the lobby
no one takes amex
my broker
the enquirer
ben franklins face
my housekeeper who knows that I like my percocet in my louboutins instead of the nightstand
the ability to plug things in without adapters
free texting
complaining about Obama
my dealer
trips to the cape
the ability to dance around naked in the lobby
no one takes amex
my broker
Me v.s Sister on holiday
Sister is good at: reading maps, following directions, crossing the street without getting hit by cars, not getting lost, finding the appropriate airline, not talking to strangers that give off sketchy vibes
What im good at: calling for turn down service, taking pictures of her, talking to strangers and asking them for drugs, complaining about unacceptable service, finding a 24 hour place that sells cigarettes, holding the euros/rubles/pounds/dollars, suggesting nap time, picking out snacks in the mini bar, masturbating in the shower and not making a mess,
What im good at: calling for turn down service, taking pictures of her, talking to strangers and asking them for drugs, complaining about unacceptable service, finding a 24 hour place that sells cigarettes, holding the euros/rubles/pounds/dollars, suggesting nap time, picking out snacks in the mini bar, masturbating in the shower and not making a mess,
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Glitter Travel Tips: All babies on planes should be checked or killed.
Like most pill popping h and m wearing genesis reading horseback riding flute playing over indulged manic bi polar depressives with a tendency to be a massive bitch even whilst not bleeding out of vagina,
I am fairly well traveled. World exploration with champagne and a creepy tour guide is something of a right of passage for all wanna be social climbing socialites who have had their fair share european summer programs, enviable wine list caribbean resort trips, historical and physical trips to mountains to learn about cultures that valued women at home and no electricity, exotic suicidal family holidays that include fighting about which maid to fire in the middle of cheetahs passing by the meal, and easy weekends to Martha's Vineyard or Montauk replete with the jitney, grandparents, and corona's matriculated on all American Bank Holidays .
I have acquired some choice glittery sexual travel tips and trips that go beyond mixing xanax and ambien only after take off and drugging the crying baby in coach with apple juice benadryl and vodka who screams so loud, pilot cannot move plane properly.
1. one can never have enough lube
2. go to the pharmacy and buy as many diet pills as you can and tell all your twitter followers you cannot find it in your respective country and make a decent profit
3. take lots of pictures outside museums and cultural monuments, regardless of whether you go in, your facebook friends will be painfully jealous of your pseudo intellectual curiosity and faux new outlook on life as you are now a better brighter more lear-ned person for the experience
4. Bring someone who knows how to read maps, cross the street, be polite to foreigners, follow directions, not lose things, know where rich men hang out, enjoy being sketchy with strange men and stranger substances, cut off your alcohol supply when painfully necessary, and take sunset pictures of you to tweet
5. Your concierge is your therapist M.D. My concierge's often give me the best advice, one of them told me I should quit dairy for better skin and questioned my affair with my boyfriend who also has a family and wondered whether it was masking something deeper from childhood where I was not pushed hard enough to ask for what I really deserve. She also told me that the ecstasy I bought was poorly laced and directed me to a cleaner more high end individual.
6. Make one really great friend, so that way you can tell stories at cocktail parties about your fabulous most near and dear Saudi, Russian, Japanese, Egyptian, Catalan, New Mexican friend and how he/she has the most amazing home/jewels/sex toys/ butler
7. Set mouse traps on your jewels lest the maid thinks you will not miss your third cartier snake given to you by jappy now gay college boyfriend
Stay Medicated Stay First Class See You at the St. Regis
I am fairly well traveled. World exploration with champagne and a creepy tour guide is something of a right of passage for all wanna be social climbing socialites who have had their fair share european summer programs, enviable wine list caribbean resort trips, historical and physical trips to mountains to learn about cultures that valued women at home and no electricity, exotic suicidal family holidays that include fighting about which maid to fire in the middle of cheetahs passing by the meal, and easy weekends to Martha's Vineyard or Montauk replete with the jitney, grandparents, and corona's matriculated on all American Bank Holidays .
I have acquired some choice glittery sexual travel tips and trips that go beyond mixing xanax and ambien only after take off and drugging the crying baby in coach with apple juice benadryl and vodka who screams so loud, pilot cannot move plane properly.
1. one can never have enough lube
2. go to the pharmacy and buy as many diet pills as you can and tell all your twitter followers you cannot find it in your respective country and make a decent profit
3. take lots of pictures outside museums and cultural monuments, regardless of whether you go in, your facebook friends will be painfully jealous of your pseudo intellectual curiosity and faux new outlook on life as you are now a better brighter more lear-ned person for the experience
4. Bring someone who knows how to read maps, cross the street, be polite to foreigners, follow directions, not lose things, know where rich men hang out, enjoy being sketchy with strange men and stranger substances, cut off your alcohol supply when painfully necessary, and take sunset pictures of you to tweet
5. Your concierge is your therapist M.D. My concierge's often give me the best advice, one of them told me I should quit dairy for better skin and questioned my affair with my boyfriend who also has a family and wondered whether it was masking something deeper from childhood where I was not pushed hard enough to ask for what I really deserve. She also told me that the ecstasy I bought was poorly laced and directed me to a cleaner more high end individual.
6. Make one really great friend, so that way you can tell stories at cocktail parties about your fabulous most near and dear Saudi, Russian, Japanese, Egyptian, Catalan, New Mexican friend and how he/she has the most amazing home/jewels/sex toys/ butler
7. Set mouse traps on your jewels lest the maid thinks you will not miss your third cartier snake given to you by jappy now gay college boyfriend
Stay Medicated Stay First Class See You at the St. Regis
Friend is "Drug" In Russian
Holiday in St Petersburg and Moscow with sister, the more organized, better dressed, less properly medicated, more euro, less openly racist and higher on the social ladder if we go by number of appearances in gossip columns version of me.
I knew I would love this country the moment I saw vodka on the breakfast menu, rampant anorexia, and cigarettes permitted inside museums.
Day 1: Arrive in St Petersburg. In one of my drunken boozy hazes coming off of a long and arduous adderall binge after waking up in a frat house last month, I thought I should slum it and stay in a cheap hotel for karmic purposes since I recently helped concoct a terrorist operation where no innocent children suffered but I got to use my Arabic
Perhaps the lack of the bellman, elevator breakage, the knowledge given by the concierge who looked like Raskolnikov that our lack of immigration forms would render us incapable of returning to the states, and the inability of the staff to not carry my puppies and feed me strawberries immediately upon arrival was enough to information to check out immediately and not have an experience reminiscent of Jack Nicolson's family in the shining.
Of course upon Checkout, Raskolnikov, and for those of you highly unpretentious individuals, this is a reference to the protagonist in Crime and Punishment, made me write out why I had to check out and reasons for leaving.
This is what I wrote:
No jacuzzi in room
not pleased with the attractiveness of the guests
I feel like I will get murdered and thus am not comfortable trying to seduce men and bring them home
cannot access my porn
have not heard of my mom
Naturally, with one call to each of mother and father's respective assistants, my shrink, and my psychic Madmoseille Perignon, who actually informed me before my trip of a possible run in with unacceptable living conditions,, and through mass research of i phone googling sexy hotels, There was a room open at the St. Regis in St. Petersburg which seemed more than appropriate so hopefully this experience will be more MaryKate and Ashley take the Kremlin and become Tsars and less The Shining Blair Witch Project
I knew I would love this country the moment I saw vodka on the breakfast menu, rampant anorexia, and cigarettes permitted inside museums.
Day 1: Arrive in St Petersburg. In one of my drunken boozy hazes coming off of a long and arduous adderall binge after waking up in a frat house last month, I thought I should slum it and stay in a cheap hotel for karmic purposes since I recently helped concoct a terrorist operation where no innocent children suffered but I got to use my Arabic
Perhaps the lack of the bellman, elevator breakage, the knowledge given by the concierge who looked like Raskolnikov that our lack of immigration forms would render us incapable of returning to the states, and the inability of the staff to not carry my puppies and feed me strawberries immediately upon arrival was enough to information to check out immediately and not have an experience reminiscent of Jack Nicolson's family in the shining.
Of course upon Checkout, Raskolnikov, and for those of you highly unpretentious individuals, this is a reference to the protagonist in Crime and Punishment, made me write out why I had to check out and reasons for leaving.
This is what I wrote:
No jacuzzi in room
not pleased with the attractiveness of the guests
I feel like I will get murdered and thus am not comfortable trying to seduce men and bring them home
cannot access my porn
have not heard of my mom
Naturally, with one call to each of mother and father's respective assistants, my shrink, and my psychic Madmoseille Perignon, who actually informed me before my trip of a possible run in with unacceptable living conditions,, and through mass research of i phone googling sexy hotels, There was a room open at the St. Regis in St. Petersburg which seemed more than appropriate so hopefully this experience will be more MaryKate and Ashley take the Kremlin and become Tsars and less The Shining Blair Witch Project
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