Great Date Ideas

I do not know about you, but I grow very tired of the standard tinder meet up for drinks in a late night speakeasy and drink until you blackout in the hopes of some under the shirt under the pants action in the uber under the preconceived delusional notion that he makes over 200k and she has a house in the Hamptons and is down for anal and wears pearls. Here are some phenom plans for your date that works in any city from Santa Fe to Manhattan To St. Tropez To Cote Azur To Murray Hill to Oman, to Manila

1. Cooking cookies and meth for the homeless
2. Making a black and white soft core porn with appropriate french music
3. going on a picnic with some crystal and cars table water crackers
4. Barnes and Noble Self Help Section
5. The Opera, but one that is minimum 7 hours
6.DisneyWorld
7. Slam Poetry reading
8. Debutante Ball
9. Barrys Bootcamp
10. Camp Laurel for the day
11. Tea at the Four Seasons

My Trust Fund, My Xanax, My Hand Gun

I was talking to my husband who worked as a high end real-estate agent in Beverly Hills, he had cerulean blue eyes and a laugh that was so contagious people stopped what they were doing to find out what was so funny. Did I love him? In the beginning he used to hit me but then he would buy me a rolex. I caught him fingering the housekeeper last July 4th, I was more upset because she was skinnier  than me than him actually cheating on me. My father was a cheater so I know that all men cheat, except for my Dog Tosca. Did I Love my husband? Sure. Did he have coming to him what happened? Well, you know how the song goes.

Excerpt from Nazi Cocaine

Scene:  Freshman Dorm Room: Harvard October 27, 2004. Its 7PM just before Sunset. Nadine and Taylor are sitting on Nadine's canopy smoking cigarettes and playing with Euro coins. Dr. Dre The Chronic is playing at low volume. Nadine is dressed in black jeans and a black bra. Taylor is wearing jeans and a top that says What Nourishes me Destroys Me.

Taylor: How is it that you stay so thin?

Nadine: Can you Keep a secret?

Taylor: Yes

Nadine: Really? Have you ever kept a secret?

Taylor: Yes, Ive never told anyone about the time you stole the Governor's Amex and went to Bergdorf's 

Nadine: Who would have believed you? He has so many whores that his secretary would just assume its more lingerie. Besides, the best way to steal is to quit while you're ahead, thats what my father told me. 

Taylor: Isn't he in prison?

Nadine: Yes! But for something totally different you cunt. 

Taylor: Sorry, that was a low blow, speaking of which..

Nadine: I know, I owe you, I didn't buy this week since we are going to Aspen and the altitude gives me bloody noses already. 

Taylor: Whatever, Im jonesing. 

Nadine: You're a fucking addict. Go to Cocaine Anonymous. Hot Guys.

Taylor: They're all gay

Nadine: So anyway. When I was 12, I went to Dubai with my Godfather.

Taylor: The one that fingered you?

Nadine: No! that was my uncle. God. 

Taylor: Ok, sorry keep going. 

Nadine: Anyway, it was his daughter's wedding, and remember my mother was already committed at this point so no one was supervising me. 

Taylor: You were 12. 

Nadine: I have had a nanny till I was 20. Anyway, I sat on a fountain and the water sprung up my ass causing severe damage to my liver making me incapable of absorbing fat the same way. 

Taylor: Are you fucking serious. 

Nadine: That and Im also a casual raging bulimic but mostly so I have an excuse to go to the bathroom when dinner gets boring you know. 

Taylor: I do. 

Nadine: Do you want to go smoke cigarettes in front of Harvard Business?

Taylor: Just getting my purse

Taglines To When I am on the Real Housewives: When the Market is Volatile, So is my sex life

The Night is Young Just Like My Step- Mom

Never Too Much Money, Never too Much Spit,

Loyalty runs in my Blood, Ive had the same Dealer Since Junior High

The best Way to Address a situation is to Undress it

Never Fuck with a Girl in White Jeans, A Black Card, and Emotional Stability Iguana

Trust Funds and Xanax are Important, but whats more important? The Second Ammendment

Jesus Christ is My King, but I would rather talk about my boob Job

When the MarKet is Volatile, So is my Sex Life