Glitter Therapy Job Interview

Tell me about yourself-

I was born and Raised in St Tropez and Cote D'Azur. I speak French, Arabic and coversational Italian. I went to Rosay Boarding School and was the 3rd runner up downhill skiier. I have always been a proficient chess player, xanax crusher, rim job giver, and considered a noted philosopher and commenter on the intwernization of Post Millenium Film and Art.

 I didnt get into Yale because of my incessant plaigarism and SAT scores documented to be lower than Marie Antoinette's so I took the Southern Ivy League Route where I majored in Pastel and Politics and paid a Malaysian to complete my work. From there I pursued a line of sleazy mob slash mafia slash porn slash art modeling jobs. I would like to pursue a form of Mafia work, as hurting people is where I most excel and is within my innate capacity to succeed in extracting Revenge, not to be confused with my doppleganger and 2nd Cousin Emily Thorne.


Why do you want this Job?

Because I can sleep late, It requires a gun and speaking in a Russian accent is not frowned upon


What sort of skills make you think you are equipped for this line of work?

I can easily pathologically lie to any client/form of authority, am a superb writer and delegate all of my organizational duties to my nanny,
additionally I am an excellent communicator and accomplish an impressive workload because of all the adderall.

Thank you for your time. I hope that my last name and my ability to chew an entire packet of orbit gum does not frighten you.

See you at the St. Regis

December Goals

Give a blow job to a Prime Minister

Acquire furniture that connutes affluence and stature from the Marie Antoinette Period

Become well versed in conversational Russian and be able to speak casually about Post Modern Art

Stop spilling the crushed up xanax everytime I snort it and thus waste it

Stop inviting all of father's employees to my birthday party

wear bras that have more sequins

stop doing coke with poor people

Start an underground poker ring for anorexic housewives who lend me their clothes

Things that Should be installed in a vending machine

ATM cards that are drug dealer accepted

Prosecco bottles 

Iphone Chargers

Sparknotes for Shakespeare

Birth Control 

Mace

Nail Polish

Zagats Guides

Skinny Cow Ice cream bars

Fage Yogurt

Lexapro

My Bodyguard Broke his hand in a bar fight and couldnt help me move

Alas, I do not ask very much from my staff. Only that they ride or die for me and give me simply unnwavering devotion and  that the work they do for me is the reason that they live and breathe.

As I cried to my bodyguard when he explained that he was unable to help me carry my bags due to protecting his Baby Mama in the hood,
I,  through tears and foam I said to him,
you have to be more ABOUT me. This isnt all about the MONEY. I do everything for YOU. DO not take advantage of me and show up to work unable to protect me with your stump of a hand.

I do EVERYTHING FOR HIM- This is referring to
when he drunkenly crashed the Car and I begged father to keep him employeed as I may be a serious materialistic bitch who would rather snort windexed cocaine than do an honest days work, I am painfully kind and loyal to those most important. Like my staff, not to mention he sells phenom marijuana.

I do not like to be taken advantage of.

I am so much more than a spoiled self indulged manic bi polar alcoholic with a penchant for chess and xanax, I keep it so R. Kelly Real- what with my  my slashed wrists bleeding scabbed legs and 1999 Hermes bag that is ripping at the seams and has been thrown at many an ex boyfriend when they didnt understand they were my boyfriend.

In any case, my mexican peurto Sancan Bodyguard slash driver did not have the decency to tell me he broke his hand when I was downsizing from Park Avenue to the slums with a  blind doorman and an all inclusive heating system thus inhibiting him from helping me carry my boxes filled with thick heavy SElf help books on how to stop compulsively vomiting and how to save yourself from your toxic Mom hashtag 3 steps away from Bellevue.

Thankgoodness I had some rolled up euros that I found in the ATM at the Double U Hotel So I could immediately summon the maintenance staff and my British Mermaid Partner in Crime to help me carry my bed and my ripped up designer clothes.

Blow me its My Birthday

Alas, I am finally 25 for the first time, and aside from 15 million dollars in quarters from the State of California and a lifetime supply of accutane and glitter

Here are are a list of pre approved gifts

a bottle of Dom Perignon or Veuve Pre Corked mixed with the Jizz of any Goldman Sachs or Bain mid tier employee

Foreign Porn

T shirts that have a quotation that note what a wealthy skinny well bred well travelled individualistic materialistic lifestyle I lead

Nazi Paraphernalia

16 hours of Divorce attorney fees

Couples massage only if we are related

uncut diamonds/cocaine in a tiffany box sewed and stiched onto a bracelet

a tattoo of the chanel or Armani insignia on my vagina

Razors

Glitter Makeup from Sephora

Tickets To Cuba

Front Row Mezzanine seats to this seasons Aida 

Which Real Housewife are you?

I am all about the Real Housewives of Wealthy Cities? Why Because it showcases in the purest form of this generations artistic expression in the medium of reality TV, that it is not only accepted but encouraged to pursue living a life of the ultimate luxury and excess, still want more and in the end, be about family. Beautiful.


What is your Drug of Choice?
Pinot
Cocaine
Adderall
God

What do you value Most in a significant other
Money/ Good Tennis Player
Money/ In Hollywood
Money/ Potential Mafia Ties
Money/ Potential Inside Trading and Heavily Sleazy

What is your hashtag Career
Skincare slash alcohol empire
Child Star slash alcoholic
Stripper Child Kidnapper Model
Autistic Television Personality

What is an important child rearing Tactic
Never See your Children
Smother your children until  they morph into you
Whore out your children
Jesus and Money first

A. Ramona
B. Kim Richards
C. Danielle Staub
D. Alexis

Inside trading and bong hits

In my quest to pursue my private investigation sauteed in not really having a meaningful employment so that I can spend time actively pursuing my most meaningful quest of becoming a creme de la creme socialite, it became clear that I needed a new man.
Divorced
Wealthy
Father
Asbergers
Ties to inside Trading
Enjoys the occasional marjuana
Doesnt care about sex that much since I am not a fan of doing any real work

Ive been busy trying to hang myself

But I couldnt find a swanky diamond encrusted noose and I do indeed want to see if Abu Nassir is caught, so my impending glamourous suicide is put on hold- for the time being. I also havent formulated my proper suicide to the point where the language deeply affects every person in my life and makes them realize how much sadder their life is when I am no longer in it.

I decided to take a break from writing, the longest break I took from writing since 2010 and focus on what I do best, finding better drug dealers and trying on bras for my maid. Alas, not much has changed and I realized, that when I write I do feel better, and it makes me feel better to share with my contemporaries indeed how much I enjoy dry humping with low tier bank analysts

On this election Day I am officially undecided

On whether I should stock my new yacht with Origins or Kiehls bath Products.

On whether I will hang myself from the master bedroom or powder room when I run out of money

On if it was a worthwhile investment spending my junior year abroad in Florence when all I can say is Adesso Dove la Cocaine and that the sculpture of David will always be hilarious. The rest of my italian comes from My Dad. Che vediamo domani mattino.

On if I should go to a yoga class or give a blow job to my accountant

On if I should use miles for Pret A Porter Fashion week or save them for my next Beverly Hills Vegas Bender and pat myself on the back by playing blackjacks under my Russian Alias

On whether I should use french Laxatives or epsom salts to undigest my Dom Perignon and saltine crackers with almond butter

On in my remake of Romeo and Juliet that I am co reproducing with Baz Luhrmann if I should cast Brother as Romeo and Sister as Juliet, despite the overlying subtextual incestual forbidden love controversial tensions that I would thus create

If I should indeed pursue my DJ career.

My Trust Fund is Frozen so I Immediately flew to Beverly Hills On my good Looks and Liquidated Assets

I heard from Instagram there was no power in Manhattan except in My Parents home and would frankly rather go to the Spa in Guantanamo Bay than return to Chez Cray, the toxicity of their lack of understanding of basic human interaction is beyond scary and Halloween is over.

 So, naturally I went to Los Angeles to do drugs and talk politics with my nearest and dearest  trust fund republican skinny celebrity Azzedine Alaia wearing Nobu eating pals who roll with the essential ingredients of a wealthy up and coming West Coast Socialite the 3 B's
 Bodyguards BMW's and Blow
and whose parents run The Penninsula and The Gap.

Alas.

I hopped into Uber from LAX with my Cracked out Dreams and Club Monaco Cardigan, Welcomed to the land of Botox/Weed Excess wondering will I ever fit in, and where I can get the Drugs Amanda Bynes is on that renders me incapable of completing a spin class fully clothed.
My tummy's turning from Bulimia, and am only feeling homesick for real culture and intelligence,


I have absolutely no idea how to spend money intelligently, and perhaps dare I say it, I may be improperly, maybe even incestually bred due to my inability to properly dress myself like the prep school gossip girl I was meant to become  and instead dress like a strung out hooker who has xanax spilling out of her mother's Hermes that I got blood and tasti delite on.

I was complimented in on my dress twice today only by the help. A starbucks barista and a waitress at the Polo Lounge meaning that I am only slightly better dressed than Kylie Jenner mixed in with a stalkerish yet seemingly disturbing disposition of Monica Lewinsky.

 I am severely trashy or interchangeably severely New Money as I
1.  stay at the bougiest hotels,
2. empty all of the contents of the Mini Bar when I invite my friends from the Amazing Race to come party on my balcony and throw ketel one bottles at the Room Service men
3. Ask the waitresses to take my photo with Bravo's internationally acclaimed restauranteurs slash housewives,
4.  wear shirts that say Chanel, which translate to Im a whore and will suck dick for both blow and an invite to your table at Greystone but not one or the other.

Welcome to the Liberal Media Elite Ivy Leaguers. We dont Lose Power. We are the Power.

Con Edison may be the only non government run franchise that affects rich People too.

I spent Halloween with Brother and Sister at their respective Ivy League University, I too auditioned Elle Woods style to this institution but unfortunately they were not impressed with my stint on NYC PREP and my rap music video in my Missoni bikini to "Where the Party At". This expressive essay was coupled with my SAT scores who's number was an appropriately moderately priced Jill Stuart top I.E under 1K combined. 

I love visiting sister and Brother at school as it provides such a contrast to my own undergraduate pained career, 

They are quent essentially a collection of Liberal Loving Balmain Wearing Marjuana Smoking International Marlboro light Urban StudiesIndian Archtitechtural Diamond Dig Major conglomerates whose warmth, friendliess and willingness to smoke me out buy me coffee and get me off never cease to amaze me. 

My siblings too, are my dearest friends even though they would most likely never speak to me if we were not indeed linked by the bloodline of Armani. 

Alas, Whilst being judged by my  lack of toothbrush, vibrator, underwear, hairbrush, perspirant, razor, cocaine, sports bra, and bandaid for my forever bleeding slit wrists, they still spent time with me despite their rampant aderal induced stress. 

 I managed to moderately escape the judging wrath of my siblings for being such a dysfunctional anti social asbergers degenerate who was slowly bleeding my father dry by my frequent benders in BEverly Hills and Dubai along with my lack of respect for actual employment and taxes. 

In the spirit of Halloween we were able to focus on more important issues over red wine and mali 

like 

1. Why Ryan beat Father for VP and 

2. who would get the house in Palm Springs for this Christmas as soon as we Kill mother by poisoning her Pinot. 

I argued it should be me because this is the first and perhaps only year I have a boyfriend and thus should take advantage of the instagramming opportunities before he realizes what an autistic bulimic alcoholic his girlfriend is and dumps me instead for a jappy booksmart Cornell Art History Major Coked Out Whore at Sotheby's living in Williamsburg Brooklyn. 

Alas, back to the bigger picture, it seems as though the entire East Coast, upper crust included lost electricity this week, except for those Hipster Just Dont Care Millionaire's who have the laundry men physically dump the contents of the hamper into the laundry bag into the laundry truck, all whilst downing voss water. 

After staying up late this Hallo's eve doing lines of Blow with Hollywood's offspring Finest at the Football House, I realized I was among the purest intelligence in the newest generation of Millionaire  Hipsters and it goes beyond Existentialism, Black Studies, City and Cinema and the rampant discussions of the  inefficiency of the economic capital system. 

Its all about the money. 

See you at the St. Regis  

November Goals

Whilst in Beverly Hills, procure an 8th of marjuana un spliffed and have it vaccumed packed and fed exed overnight to Murray Hill immediately


Procure more friends with bulimia and alcoholism intertwined sauteed in a delay of pre nup slash trust fund receipt

Buy stock in Con Edison

Get the next hurricane to be named after my thug name, which thus supports all racial realities.

Speak only French to the servers at  at Le Bernadin and TGI Fridays Respectively

Get gone down on by every mid tier analyst gay at mothers non existent fashion franchise

get photographed by Patrick Mcmullan in a very B list designer and get placed in the Sunday Styles next to my faux wedding announcement hand crafted by Yours Truly who graduated From Cornell Suma Cum Louder

Elegant Conservatism, For the Very Slightly Retarded Yet Attractive Ivy League CuntGlomerate

I consider myself and my nearest and dearest in the Wealthy Well BredWellRead Upper Class Creme da Creme fixtures of society

Of Course, this description only is accurate when I am not:

Hiding from the government, 

cracked out on Vyvanse, 

wearing old navy and Louboutin's chewed by puppy Onyx or 

blackout in a low tier underground Poker Club hitting on likeminded Boarding School drop outs with a sick new strand of marjuana. 

Which Brings me to My Point of my Vote.  

I want to showcase my 200,000 thousand dollar education with words like deficit and ozone, and  my 600 dollar shoes by stamping my feet as I turn red in the face with passion. 

 I am voting R.R for Ritalin and Rejuvanation- Ryan, Romney 

the essential components to bringing America back to wear it belongs in terms of good cocaine and Ronald Reagan  family values sauteed in exponential economic growth. 

Aside from Romney and Ryan's impossibly good looks reminiscent of Old Hollywood

The Reason for my Vote is Simple. 

It was very eloquently stated by an important Jewish Poet of our time, it was either either E.E Cummings or Drake who said "The inside of my wallet is pasture-pasture green"

But, naturally I understand, that the pressures of having money and voting Republican look uncouth to your limosine Liberal friends and thus

drive even the most relentless Republicans against gays and black marriage and pro life attractive bible thumpers  to back down in a healthy  debate for fear of a seeming greedy and thus composed of an out of touch dispostion. 

Alas 

A Glittery Guide of Elegant Conservatism replete with big words and hard to understand phrases to quiet the whines of your unfourtante cellulite pending washed up liberal friends

This list was made with the help of my godparents Ann Coulter and Nouriel Roubini. See you in CAbo for Thanksgiving Bebs EX OH EX OH 

 My vote comes down to the core values of what it means to be a Republican, lower taxes, tort reform, limited government intervention, and defeat of the greatest threat to the free world Islamic Fundamentalism improperly contained. 

1.   Job Creation. The unemployment rate has been hovering near an all time low for any one administration. Obama has promised to create jobs, but all I see are a lot of unemployed actors with bad headshots. 

1. A. The number of people who have dropped out of the work force have continued at a staggering rate. The main factor of the drop in unemployment this month was people  essentially giving up on finding real work. 

 Mitt Romney is going to focus less on Federal Reserve issues and more on Job creation, the key component to make America as attractive and lucrative as it was in the Reagan Era. 

2.  Health Care Obama Carelessness 

Small businesses are increasingly alarmed as what  higher costs mean for future employment of their firms. 

People who have small businesses will be reluctant to hire people because of the rising costs of health insurance under Obama-Carelessness. 

3. The majority of the middle class is not better off than it was 4 years ago, Not that I care. 

4. Higher Taxes equals Higher Unemployment. There will be  significantly less job creation if there is no incentive to hire people, especially for small businesses. 

4. A Obama wants to continue to raise capital gains, which is a clear disincentive to start a new business like a worthwhile tech start up to find a drug dealer near you Shazaaam and hire new people. 

5. Foreign Policy Beyond St. Tropez

Obama's foreign policy has been centered on confusion, weakness and poor party planning. I am certain if he is elected Iran's nuclear program will develop full force like my drug problem, solely because of his lack of credibility because of his unwillingness to use force

Romney has outlined a foreign policy program that is centered, clear, and will prevent terrorist attacks indefinitely. He is much more credible in terms of threatening with force and expensive machinery. 

 He will provide the Syrian Rebels with arms thus moving forward the collapse of Assad's regime. 

Stay Skinny and Vote Republican 

See You at the St. Regis 

How to Buy Karma This Halloween

Like most wealthy well to do mid twenty children of executives and mothers in a non existent career, I plan on getting bottle service whilst taking many trips to the bathroom in last years Celine Clutch in my slutty yet witty halloween costume to simultaneously showcase my boobs and clever creative existence.

I fear however, that perhaps I should purchase myself some good karma by giving to those less fortunate than I this season as my way of embracing my favorite holiday. Halloween, a celebration of multiple personality disorders, sluts, and alcohol. Notions, that I believe are at the core of America, and my personal values. 

Here is How to Enjoy Doing Drugs, embrace your inner promiscuous wellbred Skank, eat red 40, and not feel the least bit pained. 

Dear Limosine Liberal former Sorority Sister with a pending engagement to an Oil Heir in Texas who I hope gets poisoned and who's home goes into foreclosure sauteed in terrible clothes and a painfully obvious nose job with a slow recovery with no vicodin,

 

Congratulations again on your wildly recognized yet worthless charity event raising Money for Cracked out Mothers with Herpes and Poorly Decorated Apartments. I had the grandest!

 I hope this email finds you well. I was wondering if  Your Organization accepts donated halloween costumes or if you knew an organization where I could donate a costume to child/young teen in need?

 

Sincerely,

The Glitter Therapist 

Hi Glitter Therapist ,

It has indeed been awhile! You Look Fantastic and do look out for our Save the Date for the Wedding in June! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes we can definitely take the donation. Also, if you are interested we are looking for mentors for our second year program for the Camels with Aids program, which should be starting in November. I will keep you updated if you are interested. We can definitely use the support. Hope to see you soon! Are you going to the Mother Daughter  Double Team Tea  Christmas Event for Mitt and Ann?  The tables start at 10K. 

Big kiss to Seester and Brother!!

Best,

Bulimic Alcoholic Trust Fund Sorority Whore on the Board of every Charity in the Tri State Area and does not know what the difference between Sunni and Shiate or Chianti and Zifandel are 

Stay Medicated Indeed. 

Happy Halloween. 

See you At The St. Regis 

Cyber Sex with the Man on the cover of this Months Foreign Policy

I never kiss and tell unless they are extremely high profile, because then absolutely no one finds that interesting.
When my fellow bulimic alcoholic patrick mcmullan infiltrating post rehab contemporaries tell me over boozy brunch ( a meal for fags as my father calls it) that they are dating, lets just say  a low profile environmentalist, I immediately tune out

A because  the notion of screwing someone who believes in a cause as delusional as the environment is a Lucadras Lupe Fiasco
B because I have never seen them on Fox News or E True Hollywood Story,
C because any conversation I have s that does not have to do 100% with me and my dirty yet dry cleaned laundry, my drug problems, my parents, my lack of normal employment, my obsession with celebrity teen sensations and my hatred of my therapist and housekeeper  I am not curious.

When I hook up with someone high profile, and by high profile I mean someone who is verified on twitter and who has been on television for at least 30 seconds
It becomes the center of my drug induced centered core and those of my inner circle as it means I am one step closer to my ultimate goal of being greeted by bouncers at Clubs by first name with a secret handshake.

When they are high profile, I must tell everyone every detail immediately, and Im looking at you CEO of Google who either has erectile dysfunction or is bisexual, and most definitely has an Asian Fetish judging from his recent History.
and this is
most likely the reason why my status will never be more than a wannabe mafia Hooker social climbing manic autistic poor little not so rich girl, and the only longstanding real  relationship I have ever successfully had was when I was 15 over the internet with a 45 year old in Boca who had horses and told me I was pretty, even though I sent him photos of Chelsea Clinton and claimed she and I were the same.

Phone call from the Bronx Narcotics

Whenever I get a phone call from Law enforcement, I enter immediate panic as I indulge in many of the following activities out of sheer boredom, need for material,  and desire to make new friends in the child porn industry. Children are just the cutest.

Perhaps my

-Underground Klonopin/Accutane drug ring had been busted as my high profile clients range from minor league baseball players to B list socialites, to nervous strung out BEverly Hills Mothers thanks to my FED EX connect.
I usually do not make a habit of sleeping with employees who belong to a Union or who wear Uniforms but he makes sure my packages surpass those nawsty German Shepherds at Customs.

- Underground Middle School Horace Mann English Paper writing service has been busted, since I pride myself on being kind, giving to charity, wearing well tailored 2007 Marc Jacobs, and being a phenom conceptual middle school writer.  I knew I could draft seemingly insightful yet intelligent pieces on the underlying symbolism of Steinbeck's Grapes of Wrath and deliver excellent results.  My success in the private school post modern delerium ended after the 6th grade, I fathomed that If I went back to the scene of the crime and correct my mistakes by writing papers for others, I would have a chance at a less bi polar alcoholic manic future.
Since my self esteem has been greatly suffering, I naturally thought A plus papers in the 8th grade at prestigious pretentious junior high establishments would surely do the trick and would appreciate the extra funds to buy Mali and tasti delight.

I left 16 voicemails on this seemingly questionable detective and have contacted my personal security team in Conrad Grayson Fashion to ensure that if I have to make an immediate leave to Rio De Janerio and change my name I can do so at moments notice, and P.S I already have a sick instagram for my new alias Identity.

I discuss my financial downfall with my psychic

Im a believer in anyone that will look into a crystal magic 8 ball, offer me a pellegrino with a splash of cranberry and pay Manhattan rent on the Upper West Side by telling me my parents will die quickly and I will come into a luxurious waspy future married to the heir of Chapstick 

-thus wiping away my pained existence of suicidal mid twenties alcoholic post traumatic stress. 

Ipso facto,

 when my attorney, a low tier junior associate at Skadden with fredrick fekkai highlights and bulimia who's little I used to by adderal from at University, told me that my financial actions of recent bank transactions with Madeoff in Panama casually mixed in with my belief that I was too emotionally unstable to pay my con Edison bill  now had the government watching -rendering my trust fund non liquidated assets to be frozen inter-determinetly, I would now have to watch my spending excrutiatingly carefully and even more painful- enter into a budget of a middle class forever 21 tax bracket- as the Buddhists say- For NOW. 

How carefully?  and Who am I? 

I pondered, the similar way that Derek Zoolander pondered his 2nd place modeling career after the VMA's into a puddle before being splashed by pre nose job Hansel So Hot right now, 

Instead of heading to the caves to find my roots like Derek, I saved myself the dirt and the Miles and 

I consulted my psychic Asian, who advised that this too like, a difficult bowel movement, or the war torn Syria, shall pass and for now, I should have grilled chicken and prosecco instead of tuna tartare and Veuve at lavo and patiently wait until my name has been cleared and I can stop hiding. 

Mass Texts - I am at a Group Massage and just came three times

I frequently mass text my father's employees, my staff, my exes, my sister's exes, low tier J.P Morgan analysts, Communists, people I have met once, dear friends, arbitrary co-workers, old camp counselors, my karate teacher, my gyno, and linked infriends the following:

Do you think it is possible my vagina was just meant for smuggling diamonds and blow?

You look like you are dripping in money in your recent photo :D

My adderal isn't working on surveillance

What stocks do you have that are doing well that I should be interested in?

I will trade you xanax for weed since I do not have cash.

If I take several laxatives but speak in an inflected British accident about world politics am I still considered Upper Class in your subjective yet highly educated coked out opinion?

Is it acceptable to have sex with someone if they are very fat but have a House in East Hampton and a trust fund that holds its own against Assouline Oil Hoteliers

Where else can I generate income besides real estate, diamonds, the black market, foot fetishes, oil, and klonopin?

Do you know a good lawyer/dermatologist?

Overused Lies besidesI dont use Drugs

Hi. Ive said it. You have said it. Now we said it.

TO quote Sonja Morgan from the Cosmopolitan Critically acclaimed Real Housewives of Manhattan LIES LIES LIES

Let us stop saying.

It was mutual.

I dont use facebook.

I didnt sign the prenup, and I didnt even know his situation.

I dont watch Hills reruns.

I dont hate jews.

I know exactly what health care is.

Botox is whack.

I wouldnt have sex with my siblings for free Michael Kors for the next 10 years.

I would be exactly the same if I came from less money.

I like all my friends of different races the same.

Rape is not funny.

Im pretty sporty and LOVE video games. I will crush your super mario Kart.

I have never bought or paid for weed.

I dont blackout.

Whats In and Whats Out

Frankly, I do not know the Difference between Isaac Mizrahi and Zac Posen and am just as content wearing Old Navy with Prada Labels sewed in in as Long as I look bulimic and am heavily drugged.

Talking about designers is only acceptable conversation if you literally were in the Devil Wear's Prada Production, otherwise you sound like a die Hard Bridge and Tunnel Rachel Zoe wannabe with bad skin and poor intellectual depth.

I am an expert in nanotechnology and cyberbullying and mixing medications. Fashion, I look to my sister, the alleged editor of every Ivy League NewsPaper as I once leaked to Star Magazine, as I am as a reliable source as Plato, but in any case I do know what is OUT

1. Facebook Birthday Invitations especially with a fee at the Door. I would rather drink paint, which I do anyway.

2. ObamaCare

3. Serious Facebook Status updates or albums i.e So Blessed to Have such Awesome Friends.

4. The words and phrases Debauchery, Sha-nan-igans, green party, belligerent, Zifandel,  E-Z Pass, cracked iphone screen,
If I see hear or speak these words I will know I am dealing with poorly educated ill mannered common ordinaries

5. Washing Dishes

Me and my Attorney. A love story Sauteed in A Glitter Retainer

The wellbredWellread cracked out alcoholic celine Bag carrying Ivy League Fredrick Fekkai Polo Lounge Mali Raging One Percent youth has found themselves encroaching on the hottest accessory of 2013, an Attorney. 

3Fold. Trust Fund. Pre Nup. Random Argument in the Club. 

An Attorney is so chic, well dressed, and one permeates the room with a high level of important corporate and social standing when one drops the phrase my attorney recommended that bar Esq. 

I for one, have had my own attorney on a peripheral eternal Retainer since I was 4 years old for tax reasons, immediate Pre nup Emergencies, and my frequent rampant lack of understanding of Rules. Since I am a citizen of the World, conceived in St. Tropez raised in Switzerland and live back in Forth Between Manhattan Dubai Monaco and Havana and Beverly Hills I am unclear which rules apply where. 

Throughout my life, I have had exactly 3 lawsuits.

1. In the  2nd Grade I was allegedly emotionally molested by swimming instructor and Dude Where's My Car Extra in East Hampton Day Camp. The  instructor settled for a mere 15,000 to make me stop speaking. And let's be very honest. Doggy Paddle in an unfiltered highly chlorinated pool with other private school one percenter's sweat is abusive, so my settlement just barely covers the physical damages to hair, body, soul.

2. In the  7th Grade I sued former Housekeeper for reading my diary that I had an underground yet highly successful accutane drug ring. She told my parents who obviously impressed with my creative genius just wanted a cut. I sued her for Breach of Privacy and lack of respect. Since she had no money and was from some godforsaken West African Caribbean Island, she simply went about her way and I got full decision making abilities on household staff after my brother.

3. In my junior year of University at  Pseudo Ivy League replete with crack and pastel addicted wasps, A fellow secret Society Member gave a blow job to a professor I was actively pursuing both on and off social media
-so I told everyone that not only did she and her Father have a regular consensual sexual relationship but also played an integral role in his Pyramid Panama Scheme and was well aware of the stock options shortage that made all of his employees lose their job.

 It was very Millenium Enron Esque with a South American Twist and if she wasnt such a heinous overweight liberal twat with bad highlights and a nawsty disposition, we perhaps could have been dear friends.
I am not one to be calculative or manipulative, but when someone of my inner circle directly sabootages me, i am of the Christina Aguleria Girl Power Generation, I am a "FIGHTER".
 She sued me for slander for 1 million dollars, and thank God I do a lot of coke with Casey Anthony's Lawyer so he teamed up with Mine and together got me a fantastic settlement for 60,000 dollars.

I wish you and your attorney success on your future lawsuits and endeavors and I would like to raise a toast. May your trust funds get expedited, may your pre nups accidentally burn in the fire, and may all of the cellulite laden nawsty mean children who directly hook up with people you are actively pursuing get caught in an alleged pyramid scheme.

So many people are BBMing me asking me why I am not in the Hamptons this weekend

It is always a good feeling when your fans tell you they've missed your rich girl drunken antics, and the truth is I have missed them myself.  For sometime I thought my only true friend was my dad's secretary who single handedly helped me escape to Mexico when I poisoned all of the Eating Clubs at Harvard with unfiltered cocaine.
But my blogging, like my tolerance in rubbing alcohol consumption has decreased because I came down with a terrible bee sting that rendered me incapable of practicing the inherent racism and disgust in people without money for a solid two weeks.
I was going to recover at the Chateau Marmount but I don't go anywhere that Lindsay Lohan has been banned from.
Bitches Im back. Happy Early Halloween. And PS. If you are rocking that slutty Mermaid costume that I already thought of in 1992 I suggest to take a breather from the klonopin, bloats the boobs and retains water.
See you at the St. Regis

Your life is not Ridiculous

It is the ultimate classic go to line of a group of girls when their token Crazy friend is up to her usual antics and one claims that her life should be a reality show because it is quote on quote ridiculous.

I would like to put an end to this, because this sort of "ridiculous activity" is what I and most of the people I pretend to be friend's with do before Breakfast.

Im aware of the typical blonde Fredrick Fekkai YSL celine bag carrying hot mess instagramming PR high fashion coked out sluts that infiltrate my mutually exclusive instagram and personal space, but I have to comment that when these women think that their behavior of hooking up with their butlers, family members, sneaking into Celebrity VIP tables, getting on a plane to vegas in the middle of the day, jumping out of a cake, or buying expensive musical equipment because they are a DJ this week si by no means "ridiculous" out of this world or uncanny.

But only an attempt on what every other wellbredWellBred social climbing wannabe media darling does in order to prove to her friends that she is not Boring and is just overcompensating for her dwindling trust fund sauteed in the raw truth that you are no longer 19.

Im not saying to not as the Great Asher Roth said, Do Something Crazy. Im just saying that everyone else is as well.

October Goals

Establish a more high end clientele replete with A list sports team of whom I sell my klonopin to

Develop a faster hacking system to decipher Iphone passwords so I can read everyones texts immediately

Purchase a diamond encrusted bowl

Develop a craftier wittier more educated response to why I am voting for Romney besides lower taxes and Democrat is just a euphemism for Communism

Dispute every single Amex charge

Get on a First name basis with every bouncer at at Lavo and Bootsy

There is a reason Poor and Bore Rhyme

I fear little except for not becoming the Brunette Version of the late Bulimic Princess Diana.

Although,

I am HIV positively terrified of Forever 21, communism, obscure literary references that I do not understand, people who are nice to their maids without being sarcastic, china dolls, and those who aren't somehow of Royal Israeli or European descent.

Most importantly, I am concerned with Boredom, which is why I live everyday hoping that I glean the same reaction that a crowd at Lavo has when approaching a broken shattered glass.

I often fear not, as social climbing racist elitist alcoholic like yours truly often finds amusement with the simplest of realizations of my own existence.

Alas

I slit my wrists only to tell people about it and for the appropriate Itunes music Soundtrack compilation. I also use the blood for my post modern feminine Jackson Pollock Georgia O'keefe pieces that my agent says are simply retarded.

I have 14 different fake facebook accounts for stalking wealthy manhattan's elite for the religiously Christian sole purpose to find their whereabouts and their movie tastes.

I sell klonopin and French Laxatives to every concierge at the BA first class lounge at Heathrow, LAX and JFK so I can easily smuggle my marijuana

I feign panic attacks and faint when the IRS asks to pay taxes and thus have not paid since 1994.

I brush my teeth with Veuve Cliquot and only eat a mixture of lobster salad nicoise, glitter, caviar, Rich people poop and peanut butter tasti delite

New Money: You were Poor 5 minutes ago so no, I will not be your date to the Opening Met Party

I wake up everyday to the sound of my maid's vacuum cleaner and have to curse her out and make me a pellegrino.

I was brought up to be nice to everyone except those below you economically, which is why I have a hard time differentiating my poor friends from my staff.

Last week I met fellow post 35 individual who was clearly dripping in Money but didnt go to college. My wellreadwellbred antenna kicked into ambien high gear as like mexicanism and liberal cellulte, a lack of undeserved prestigious education is simply not tolerated.

However, unlike my trust fund lawyer I am willing to make comprises especially when it comes to interesting activities that I do not pay for and that look good in photos.

Strippers Whip its and Stock Brokers: Hey Babe which laxatives go Best with My complexion?

I frequent the strip club quite a bit, Why? I like to talk shop with the Big Black Managers about Guns and security procedures since I have a similar background given my sleazy narcotic private investigative initiatives.

As I split a pill of ex with one of the bathroom attendants from West Africa I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror and realized in my gin soaked haze that I had forgotten to ask my dad for rent and couldnt tip her which is the lowest form of poor taste.

As my looming pending eviction was soon to occur I lamented in the notion, that I never paid my rent to begin with and perhaps I was living in a false reality where money like true love on the Upper East Side are pretend.

Who do I frequent these high end establishments filled with young women with A plus bodies studying Communications at CUNY who strip to Pay for tuition and blow and frappuchino's?

Father's employees. LE DUH.

After we posted a photo in the Kelvin filter in the VIP champagne room that immediately made it to the RICH KIDS OF INSTAGRAM filter after hitting post 50 likes in under 2 minutes, a goal that I had set for myself along with getting a masters in documentary film making from UCLA,  he bought me a lap dance
and whilst this occured I decided to see if the stripper could name as many capitals in Europe as I could or name 5 Operas where no one dies.
Needless to say we are getting drinks at the 4 seasons this week to trade stories over which laxatives go better with adderal and how to get glitter into clear heels.

We decided to go back to his 3 BEdroom Apartment in Soho and proceeded to Order Whip its in Spanish and one up each other in who has a more prestigiously psuedo ivy intellectual background by talking about Hemingway and quoting Proust.

I have so many Trust (Fund) Issues

When it comes to relationships,
 I am the duchess of making a mess, simply because I am incapable of caring about anything but my own personal state of induced or natural satisfaction.
The idea of compromise, Hamptons instead of Palm Beach, Flute instead of Piano, Helena instead of Hermia  is simply an absurd idealistic communistic notion created by those without money.

Some have it all, and Im plagued by the idea that I do not.

It all started when Mother told me that being beautiful was much more important than being a phenom writer, party attender, gift giver, ball sucker, and mexican kid hugger, qualities that are just as important as being beautiful that I realized I have even if Im also a whore who sleeps with men who have last names on Wikipedia.
 I am also a really great facebook wall poster and  a really lovely tasti delite person to go with.
These traits were always undervalued because physical appearance to rich people is international currency that books your tickets to the land of never working.

Alas,
I heir out my dirty laundry, because I want you all to clean and I obviously do not know how. How can I possibly trust someone in a relationship if all I can think about is how heavily concerned I am with myself.
And it is not the superficial aspect of myself like my eyeliner or champagne or drug dealer choice, but How can I possibly make sure that everyone around me does not forget me because Id rather be known as a narcissistic alcoholic self obsessed shady social climbing asberger pill popper than someone sweet and uninteresting.

So my wish for myself, is that I let go of the frustration that for so long I did not want to trust people for fear that they would know my secret, that I am in fact a manically ill selfish little bore, and learn to be skeptical of my own skepticism that it is possible for me to love someone as much as I think about myself and perhaps just be me for a while.
Sans the porn, the weapons, the poison, the eating of splenda packets, the forgetfulness of brushing teeth, the lack of seriousness and respect I have for myself, and let myself explore the possibility that I do not know everything.

But do indeed.
Stay Medicated.

Is there anything cuntier than

Someone's apartment that is not decorated with rampant chandeliers?

People who use the phrase, be that as it may, empty calories, and I dont smoke weed?

Having Zero Net worth?

People who use twitter for Business purposes?

Talking about safety schools in front of Minorities?

Bringing up your Financial Times and Barron's Subscription?

Anti War Protests?

Getting Your Period?

Your Charity Friends thinking they are just as posh as you?

 

After me and daddy Watch Glee and Brush the Poodles Teeth I make him tell me Im pretty

I think I am the best thing that ever happened to my parents, like most eldest children I paved the golden brick road along with the help of some mexican workers because lets be very R.Kelly Real, I dont pave, and showed them what perfection in childhood form looks like.

Lets take a look at what makes me the perfect specimen example of offspring. 

1. I am pretty

2. I feign employment 

3. I am racist

4. I appreciate fashion and gay people

5. I drink

6. I understand Italian

7. I appreciate almonds and quinoa and perrier

8. I try very hard not to be fat

9. I work hard at my tourettes and asbergers

10. I gossip about my friend's sex lives and their parent's money issues 

Upper East Side Cunt or Mom?

Whilst Enjoying a vicodin Brunch of Mimosa's and Vegan Walnut Scones no Whip at the Beverly Hills Hotel with Seester and our adopted British SuperModel slash International THinkTank Account Executive,
we were interrupted by a highly tightly wound bulimic upper east side Mom who couldnt help but overhearing that I enjoy cocaine and Tosca and live a highly functional Lifestyle in my post private school existence.

I love a Good Power Mom with  a ready to blow me attitude on how to get into an Ivy League.  I cant think of anything more of a vomit inducing conversation other than dating someone without money.

She interrupted us wanting an SAT tutor for her SAB perfect ballerina batmitvah daughter in the hopes that she too would end up pseudo Ivy League bound  surrounding herself amongst her own elite group of pill popping alcoholic sluts with daddy issues sauteed in having the ability to get fingered without crying by a Rockefeller and do a comparative Analysis of Post Modern Europe To Colonial America in Arabic.

I love a good interruption on how to succeed at the Private School Ivy League Game besides giving money to a Library and feigning a fake leg as your college essay. Because Here is my secret. I have no fucking clue, but LOVE TO TELL YOU I KNOW EXACTLY HOW HASHTAG #LetsgotoPALMBEACHandTakeEX

I immediately took hold of this conversation by calling out this sex starved mother on her lack of employment besides her pre occupation of turning her daughter into the post millenium highly anxious Blair Waldorf and said that I was a manically depressive bipolar drug addict in Middle School and spent most of my time playing chess and fainting, yet was accepted into University over my diversity of the lowest ACT scores known to mankind in my tax bracket, and now am doing just fine as a social climbing manically prude alcoholic desperate to fill a billionaire divorcee's midlife crisis.

My advice to you Upper East Side Crazed Mom who could really use a vibrator and a deep tissue at the bouji Canyon Ranch,
take some Klonopin before your next Nervous Breakdown and let your daughter's freak flag fly. She will be whatever she will be, come what may. Whether its Princeton or MaryMount School Dropout, as long as she keeps her Ballet Body and excellent people skills, she will continue to lead the life to which she is accostomed and probably work at Michael Kors.

Im so not into having sex with you if I have to do more than lie here

My nearest and Dearest named Dior, who also rocked a 2002 Dior bag and looked like her botox was from a Living Social deal was telling me that she didn't mind giving head. She also had a side ponytail and a New Jersey accent and spoke with an inflection that made it clear she had never seen an Opera nor seen the Almafi Coast. 

I love a good charity friend. 

However, when someone says something as asanine as I enjoy lock jaw and balls I have to cease the conversation and call them out on their bullshit and dwindling trust fund.  

I nearly spit out my Jack Daniels and Clorox and thus assumed that she didnt mind paying for dinner and sharing her blow since it was "I dont mind doing peasant social climbing get attention call me never activities" night. 

But I got to thinking, I have some serious sexual problems because, like Chanukah,  I simply do not see the appeal unless I get a present for 8 days otherwise I dont care. 

Quite a weekend indeed. 

See you at the St. Regis. 

Stay Medicated. 

Vote Republican

You look like you're dripping in Money in that Photo

1. Teeth
2. Anorexic Arms
3. Bottles of Veuve in the Background
4. a well decorated room with attractive eurotrash at the table with half empty wine glasses
5. Tasteful designer Handbags
6. Relaxed xanax hazed- I hate you but lets looks like we're best friends and Im not trying to fuck your boyfriend in this photo

60 plus likes

Fall Goals besides giving better head and making smarter investments

The Theme as Always is Hitler, Wealthy Jizz, and a lot of Xanax with Jack and Diet

1. Acquire Even more Neo Nazi Paraphernalia

2. Start a Spanish Pen Pal Relationship with someone in Columbia or Peru solely for smuggling purposes

3. Sell some of Mother's purses and my childhood Steinway Piano on Ebay for drugs

4. Film a 21st Century Version of the Sound Of Music indented with rap and remix a cappella liberal bullshit of some of the top hits, i.e 16 going on 17 #UnderAgeNaziYouth

5. Start a Rich Kids with Poor Kids of Instagram

6. Talk about wine with as much British inflection and Douchebaggery as possible

7. Blackmail my husbands divorce lawyer

8. Figure out a sleeping rape Potion to give to up and coming Venture Capitalists and Diamond Dealers with whom I come in Contact with at Lavo

What happens when the money Runs Out?

I have the sudden yet minorly intense paranoia reminescent of right before Tosca Jumps or when he cant cum and you have been down there for 20 minutes, that the StocK Market is nOt Hot right now.

Am I supposed to seek meaningful employment beyond selling my prescriptions and stalking rich people? I simply refuse to live in a world where I cannot order Veuve Clicquot and Tuna Tartare so meaningful employment plays a crucial role.

I do indeed believe that sleeping one's way to the top is the best course of action which means that I will send for British Lube, Perrier and a wide varietal of Asian porn to best equip myself on this journey towards making my own money.
Disgusting,

I cant decide who I hate more My Mom or My Maid

I have a firm belief that a good maid determines the sanity of the household.

Why I remember one of my dearest Jamaican Housekeepers used to quiz me on Latin Declensions and tell me when I looked to slutty for Bar Mitzvah's and that my parents were crazy.
Quintus est Romanus Puer.


It was established in the 3rd Reich that the Father manages the business  and the Mother manages the household.

So what happens when Mother- believes that the maids are simply just her paid friends who simply pour her wine and watch her fashion videos with her?

Then they believe they can treat me with the same sort of disrespect and show up as they please and disinfect at their own leisure.

Mother's of the Upper East Side and the Wealthy Suburbs of Chicago, I urge you to take better control of your staff for the sanity of your family.

Diamond Encrusted Blue Collar Lovers

Most of my contemporary social climbing yacht hopping eastern european visiting post apocolyptic klonopin Generation private school inner circle only give blow jobs to guys with money.

Guys with money are inherently terrible at sex because they can use their money to overcompensate so we all cope with and frankly much prefer getting off by ourselves and in my case, to myself in exchang for lower credit card bills and the sanity that our children can lead the same wrist slittingly glamorous lives that we did .

Perhaps for our mothers this method of rich sex worked, because our Father's were gentlemen who gave Mummy jewelry and theatre tickets in exchange for sexual favors.

In this generation of lazy trust fund cracked out douchebags who share the mentality of i dont do work dot com,
 have quent-essentially been too lazy to treat us like the wealthy well established intellectual hookers that we know we are and have stopped taking us to a soon to be vomited dinner and buying soon to be sold on eBay Cartier Love Bracelets.

So, Bad Sex and No Gifts?

Ish Do not THINK SO.

I have started a new proposal to date men in the working class. They are better at sex because they have actually had to work for a living and it already becomes a chic inherent cocktail conversation topic when someone works as a bartender, construction worker, community college attendant, or Yacht Jacuzzi champagne washer, WHY? Because its hilarious and every uptight Pseudo Ivy League Cunt needs a good laugh, and a better lay.

And as always, our fathers will always be our first loves, who will fit the bill at Ciprianni's and Nobu, because he just wants us to be happy. As long as he's not morbidly Mexican or Obese.


See you at the St. Regis
Stay Medicated

Top Celebrities I want to smoke marijuana with

I am the shadiest star fucking Narcotics Detective I have never met,

Here is a list of some wildly intellectual people with whom I hold the utmost respect towards and whom Id like to roll a diamond encrusted republican Jay with

Greta Von Susteren

Nancy Reagan

Jana Ryan

Violet Affleck

The Brooks Brothers

Judge Judy

Now We Said it

Glitter Review 

"You are amazing. I randomly came across your blog when I googled something profane. Not only did your brilliant, witty, irreverent writing help me through a dark place - I shared it with my most beautiful, sardonic, yacht-hopping, self-flagellating girlfriends, and we all agreed - you are not only a lyrical genius, but a guilty pleasure harbinger of Our Times. You are intelligent, sarcastic, profane, and say all the things that are not "okay" to say. I have not resonated with/been impressed with a writer like this since Sylvia Plath. Ever since stumbling across your blog a few weeks ago, I have since read every single one of your posts, and continue to revisit. You truly are gifted, and you officially have a following. Thank you for your amazing writing!"


As if I needed more padding to my already overinflated overdulged self deprecating Interior Designed Ego. 

In any case, anytime you want to go for a Veuve Clicquot and Blaze in my Jacuzzi, or visit the Tate Modern, Im avail, unless Im on surveillance.  

You are my new best friend call me everyday for the rest of your life. 


Stay Medicated. 

Two Sisters, Ying Yang Kale Klonopin: The Newest Diamond Encrusted Life Advisors in the Penthouse are in

Its a nice thing to help people. But only those with important last names, or those that are huge in the tech scene.

Seester and I have decided to go into business together to advise and support contemporary narcissistic hotel bar hopping pill popping alcoholic youth who enjoy blazers, British Airways Pajamas, Newport, Cigars, French People and a blowjob

I am seeking funding from some of the top Drug Lords in our circle and in Peru

and Seester, from Father and from her 4 current lovers.

Le Duh, she is ahead.

Alas. Here is the Ad. We can be reached Via instagram or through my Publicist/Maid.

Two well bred upper crust sisters are a team of up and coming life guides. The pressures of trying to marry into the life to which you are accustomed, get a career that is sophisticated but requires no work, and stay skinny rich and republican are exceedingly overwhelming and sometimes one needs to talk to objective, yet attractive people whilst in a haze of xanax and Johnny Walker Black . 

 One sister, a peaceful serene and radiant yoga instructor/economist with a masters in holistic anorexia/nutrition is the ying, and the other Sister,  is a cracked out manic asberger syndrome alcoholic social climber with a penchant for witty sexual banter and who addresses problems with  recommended prescriptions and cold hard facts hashtag yourfatandNotwhite is the yang. 

With their combined recommendations, your life will be carefully addressed with the balance of nourishing kindness, vicodin and a clear look at the truth that will ultimately get to the core of what's preventing you of becoming your most powerful self.  

Whether you are looking to address a problem in love, family, career, health, sex, or just a casual depression in regards to your trust fund, prenup, and other potential liquidated or unliquidated assets that aren't directly in your name, we've heard it all and as a collective unit, our methods will guide you to living a truer more self aware existence to discover who you are, what you want, what you need. 

Can I crash At your Place? If by Crash you mean come off your meth binge for a few hours than certainly

UGH DISASTER43. That was my old screen name when I used to have cyber sex with men I met online through my chess games.

But in all seriousness, I have frequently discussed what makes a good house guest and this is the recipe.  

1. Take off some of your clothes and suggest and appropriate sexual activity

I may lie steal cheat and do drugs, but At least Ill tell you if the wine is disgusting and if you look like trash, because I know I do

The facts are simple

1. I am the most interesting person in the room so its time to leave Immediately.

2. I have seen more cocaine at Equinox than I have at Lavo

3. I have every single one of my friend's wedding toasts and funeral speeches prepared, because lets be very real. These events are about how beautifully I l can craft the English language.

4. From Iron Man third Runner Ups, to Bulimics, to Beer Bellies, to Puerto Ricans (maybe) I will most definitely fuck you if I can get a guest pass to the Soho House or at the Very Least a week's worth of adderal.

5. I would never invite anyone to my jacuzzi who has so much as looked at your boyfriend/ father wrong, or If I do, I will call them out on their lack of Manhattan/Beverly Hills Elite Upbringing and laugh when they cannot name an Opera where no one dies.

6.  I consider it a form of pure genius like the great Artists before us when women convince their Forbes 400 plus husbands that a Prenup is a Lupe Fiasco Ludicras.

7. When I first meet you, my assessment for basis of if I like you is if I can see us potentially doing drugs together and if we can laugh about people with less money

Im sorry I spilled Prosecco on you and many other Apologies On Labor Day Weekend

Labor Day weekend was beyond your typical gathering of alcoholic narcissistic creme da la creme bottle poppers of society of whom I frequently sext,
but sometimes I do need a rest from the constant pressures of instagram and feigned anxiety over my lack of substantial employment, and indulge in some wholesome corruption of the youth in my family dynastic American Tzar-like Crest.

I left the Summer Chez Cray for a Nano to  booze with my cousin, a hot young surfer chick with sick braces and an innocence that is so eerily pure I am quite certain she is faking
Ipso facto,  I was busy explaining to her my most recent qualm about how this wealthy Venture Capitalist in Vegas cant get it up unless he's so coked out he starts rapping about his stock portfolio, when I knocked over my prosecco onto her and she was pissed.


So Im terribly sorry,
 but you must know I haven't gotten through a meal without knocking my drink since the Clinton Administration,my stories simply require grand hand gestures and also I smack waiters.

 And while we are on the subject of sex, drugs, and jews who Booze- I totally agree with you,

a candle service for your pending Batmitzvah Bouji-ness is beyond homosexual.
 Keep the jew talk to a minimum and the Mr Dee Jay Pon De Replay Dance Floor Makeouts to a maximum. Mazel Tov.

Stay Medicated Bitches.

After one date I ask my Dad if I can bring them To Nantucket

I went on a date with this very pretentious boring Finance Loser who only cares about the Mets and his Fraternity, himself, and cocaine.
At Palm, he  ordered the Gigi Salad and ate it with his hands and ordered a Trashy bottle of Zifandel.
He can only talk about Conservative Politics and Goldman Sachs

Normally I would drown myself in my own slit wrist blood

 but his father is legitimately the CEO of Chapstick and I require a lifestyle that needs to support my team of doctors and old navy wardrobe.

He was the laziest freak I ever banged and just lay there like Caylee Anthony. He also fingered me so hard I couldnt ride my pony for a week and if thats not a white girl problem I dont know what is.


 Irregardless we look rich as a white Jay Z and Beyonce on instagram.

Clearly this is a match made in E Harmony Mormon Match Hell, but if he cuts coke with a black card and calls me babe im down.

For Father, as long as he was waspy, white, anorexic, questionably gay and drank enough scotch that could fill the jacuzzi in the Ritz, he was more than down as well.

Cheers to the freakin weekend.

Asbergers Tourettes Xanax and a Jack and Coke

Whenever I feel nervous my immediate skinny gut reaction is to start talking about cocaine, this is probably why I make a terrible business person, but at least I can get every low tier analyst at J.P Morgan to finish in under 10 minutes and Ive stopped using teeth.

Shadier than A Business Meeting In St Tropez

I may be a long messy hair dont care alcoholic pretentious slut who likes to get fingered and jam to 90's Hip Hop with married men, but Im very nice. 

Im also wildly shady, insecure, rude, and in the end a pretty bad person who will make an excellent publicist for all the chic yet bouji clubs in Hell.  

Here is a list of Shady things I have done this week 

1. Did cocaine with my trainer who once took me to Disney World when I was 6 and made him so nervous that he locked us out of his Bentley. 

2. Went to my best friend's Plastic Surgeon father for vaginal tightening surgery

3. Hid in Mexico for 3 days without telling anyone

4. Stole money from all of my house guests

5. Texted my friends boyfriend "Sup"

6. Smoked a blunt on the airplane 

No one ever said I wasnt classy. How many Aria's can you name in Carmen? Hashtag ToreadorCUNT

Its September Bitch

Isnt is goddamn boring to go to the bathroom without drugs? I certainly thought so. I knew it was going to be a ridiculous labor day weekend when I dropped 4 xanax in my pinot noir before I watched my cousin surf and planned on roofie-ing all my fathers employees. 

Labor Day weekend, I was happy I got to spend time with my father and his international financier executive contemporaries so that I could ask them to weigh on my most recent hook ups with my small time coke dealer boyfriend. 

Everyone was into it. Especially Father. The hired help was rather confused.

I still dont understand why LC didnt go to Paris

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxVmuJTNnqc&feature=related

Elitist Manhattan Men, what makes you think a 130 Am Text is acceptable?

I cannot stress enough how texting has simply ROONED the art of a true Atticus Finch gentleman flirting with a nice well mannered clinically insane  young woman.

Hiding behind your iphone screen to send a witty text does not fool anyone into thinking you do not have a small dick or trust fund.

A highly esteemed well established wealthy blonde member of my inner circle once told me that people and computers will combine into one mushed entity so that we will all live forever.

I do not want this to happen as I do not look good in MAC. People and computers and machines should stay separate.

Essentially, Real Well Bred Classically Trained Pseudo European Cool Bankers/Agents should Be a real person separate from their keyboards and instagrams especially post 9-11.

Avila Beltran is my Hero

For those who are unfamiliar and thus clearly not #WellBredWellRead, Ms. Beltran is the first woman to singlehandedly run a cocaine traffic ring with a side order of money laundering and  underground weapons trading.

Shes skinny, shes hot, she is fluent in English Spanish, French and Arabic is an excellent vegetarian cook and is a beautiful flutist.

I too, hope to follow this impressive woman's footsteps in her astronomically successful operation up until of course she was caught in 07.

When she was arrested she said that not being delivered food from seamless was a violation of her human rights and insisted on her botox upkeep in prison.

Just recently she was extradited back to the US to face charges, but my guess is someone who has drug lord blood in her genealogy, is not a stranger to torturing people, and in her career didnt make buys or sells less than 16 kilos, will somehow find a way to get back in the game.

Im routing for you!

See you at the St. Regis

Carole Radziwill

You are the definition of the creepy cool girl.  You are so creepily perfect in everyway shape and form that I have to ask, are you an actual human being?

For those who are unfamiliar, Carole is the wiry Real Housewife of NYC that is so nice and not annoying to the point that I am annoyed and have to ask, Why are you on this show?

If you are so cool, so chill, so chic and relaxed about your princess title, profits off of dead husband, and all of the drunken oversexed cracked out other Housewife ladies, then what made you join this show?
Clearly we are missing something.
 There is something so eerie about women who claim to only eat pizza, never exercise, and yet look like the late Brittany Murphy in Uptown Girls.

I dont trust her at all, there is a very strong likelihood that she is a psychokiller sociopath who steals orphans and keeps them in her New York City apartment after she blogs.

Im onto you Carole.

Summer House Guests Do's and Dont's Hashtag Please Go Home

I get it.

Summer home’s are the quentessential summer symbol for wealth, never working, and instagramming pictures to your nearest and dearest to accurately display that your family looks richer better and tanner than everyone elses.

.  

Basically in my family of waspy Jews who summer in Nantucket, we like to invite houseguests from our respective circles of insider trading, secret societies, drug addicts models, vets, cops, people I'm trying to bang, and casual hookers. 

Now, Here is the problem with houseguests. They ARE HERE FOR MORE THAN LIKE AN HOUR. PLEASE GO HOME. 

I get sick of most everyone within the first 5 minutes of their stay so when I invite you for the weekend, what I really mean is you should come for cocktail  and smooth jazz hour with some funny anecdotes like the time you pooped on a hooker and blamed it on her and such

 and make other sleeping hotel arrangements unless you plan on going down on me for the rest of your life and giving me millions of cocaine rocks that have already been smushed.

 We have had many a houseguest this summer, SOME of whom have engaged in some serious  FAUX PAWS, And I mean this literally as someone put fake fur on Onyx my Dog. 

Here is a list of things that people did that were SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP throughout the summer.

1.     BE ASIAN

2.     BE ALL UP IN MY GRILL 24/7 with no time to  meditate/masturbate/ sharpen my knives 

3.     Say things like, What can I do to help and then NOT help 

4.     Deliberately have sex with my dear waspy blonde friend who works on a boat and casually Not mention it. Rudeness Giuliani.  You are banished. But indeed you did me a favor as now he has some practice. 

6.     Chainsmoke in a corner alone and not talk to anyone and not throw away your disgusting cigarettes

7.     Pretend that you do not want to have sex with my brother

8.     Request me on facebook while exchanging two words

9.     Drink all of my father's Chateau Le Gay and not immediately replace it 

     Bring up My Shady Drug Use In College in front of my siblings 

     Refuse to share intimate details about your sex life 

      Ignore my facebook request 

See you at the St. Regis Bitches. xoxoxoxoxo