Spring Break? This image reeks of early millenium women with perfectly starved bodies taking their tops off rendering them incapable of running for office in 20 years. Newsflash, you look like trash and are so easy you would probably let me have sex with you and I am a woman of utmost dirtyness as I share needles and refuse to wipe.
Regardless, these spring break middle class whores are Not cute, not sophisticated, not rich, and definitely not upper class creme de la creme. My question to these women is how does going to an American location with poor people drinking four loko's and smoking weed sound like the idea of intellectually erotic way to spend father's money?
I am all for drinking to the point of non coherence or inability to comprehend the english language, but why does this need to be made an event, facebook album, and only thing on the to do list. I like to hide my alcoholism under cultural excursions, such as Fashion week in Paris! or the Great Dunes in Myanmar! Or Moroccan Souks! These all sound like intellectually sexy excursions yet I can still richly overdose on my prescriptions and sleep around.
This Christmas, I am taking my spring holiday, to detox, indulge in some much needed therapy with my team, overdose on valium, drink champagne with brunch on days other than the weekend, fly over to europe to visit my british friends, matriculate with rich men without acting like a blackout wasted drunken idiot. Because lets be real, I do this everyday.
Monday, February 28, 2011
My driver is a moron
Whilst its in incredibly poor taste to insult my (father's) staff, as they are also my nearest and dearest muah muah muah. Driver number #3 makes me want to kill myself. I have spent countless therapy sessions hysterical over the fact that my Driver essentially sucks a lot. Here's why:
He is a misogynist homophobe who would sooner pick up Brother the Prince over me anytime anywhere anyhow
If there is a fire, he would most likely address the fire first (I believe he also has a side gig as a fire extinguisher, so I let this one slide, unless I am late for a shrink appointment)
He once made me carry all three of my non wheel-y Vuitton bags through security at the airport whilst he was on the phone with his girlfriend. Then gave Father a piggyback ride through the gate.
He does not answer his cell at 3 am whilst outside the club, but outside the Metropolitan opera for Father regardless of the hour he is there.
Condoms are Toxic
Having sex with rich people during your 20 somethings is a right of passage, similar to liquidating your assets and stealing your neighbor's stock portfolio. Nothing ruins a perfectly caviar veuve clicquot facebook album seduction like a condom. Condom; sounds so incredibly middle class it hurts. safety is over. Live dangerously. Be natural. Escape into the forbidden unknown and get that disgusting material off of me.
There is nothing rich, comfortable, erotic, or fun about condoms. Earlier this weekend after a boozy dinner of valium and veuve, I had a gentleman back to my pied a terre, and after he seduced me with his photo album of his waspy hitler like family on holiday in the Maldives in their convertible, and then played some 90's R and B Craig David, I was seduced and ready to get very weird. Very weird can include but not be limited to, over the pants blow jobs, erotic dances that sadly are not very coordinated but I am working on it, and erotic reading of some of my own short stories.
Cut to the scene where he is lying on my sheetless bed and fumbles for a condom.
No, his perfect soul seduction was rendered an ultimate failure and I almost wished he told me he was of upper middle class socioeconomicly
as it would have been easier to kick him out. ( upper class or bust)
Condom material is bulimia inducing and immediately puts me out of the mood unless they are glittery and star studded, but that would be homosexual if they were his. And I use my glittery star studded condoms as puppets for my one woman show.
Luckily I was drunk enough to remain unfrigid as I had been masturbating to myself in my pre teen soft core foreign erotic porn flicks all afternoon, and told him that my body was so delightfully damaged by painkillers, booze, and glitter that it would be near impossible to pro create, I neglected to tell him that I also have an in with the abortion clinic as my cousin used to sell the manager heroin in the 80's and so I go in for a service anytime Id like. That sort of anecdote is best saved for a different setting.
Remove the toxicity of what would have otherwise been a perfectly romantic sexual craig david evening. I hope I remember your name.
not quite as smart but much better looking
It appears that looking at successful skinny republicans before us, one has to be somewhat intelligent. This poses as a deep concern as I am a classified highly unintelligent individual. Lets be real, Im rather retarded, and so are you of course, but I own it and play it to my strengths and will show you how you can as well.
I had the lowest SAT scores any pseudo ivy league institution has ever seen, was tutored since the age of 4 in learning how to read and differentiate colors and count in German, without wikipedia cliffsnotes yahoo answers and hundred thousand dollar T.A's sauteed in minor bouts of plagarism and lots of glances over people's shoulders, it is quite clear that I would still be in junior high school.
Make no mistake my awareness of my unintelligence makes me already 14 steps ahead of you, and my ability to quote fake it till I make it mixed in with my understanding of some highly arbitrary cultural norms, gives off the appearance that perhaps my intelligence stands up to par of your tutored and doctored I.Q
As for intelligence I lack some sufficient common sense necessary for one's matriculation in this place we call life. I lose my wallet, I cannot do 15 percent of the tip, am still confused about how pregnancy works, I have no idea why we are in Iraq, confuse Rwanda with a jewl brands and most definitely could not tell you what is up with healthcare except for the fact that I know its wrong.
I frequently participate in discussions whether it be at a lecture hall, a cocktail party, a dinner for the queen, or a meeting of CEO board members for women and have no qualms about sharing my personal opinions and anecdotes regardless of whether I know what is being discussed.
Why? Other than the reason that it is hilarious, is that I am a firm believer in the notion that it is not as much what you say but how you say it. Any opinion with a somewhat angry inflected british tone that sounds utterly convincing, will convey your point and your audience may silently think to themselves "shes not quite as smart..but much better looking" but never dare say it out loud.
I had the lowest SAT scores any pseudo ivy league institution has ever seen, was tutored since the age of 4 in learning how to read and differentiate colors and count in German, without wikipedia cliffsnotes yahoo answers and hundred thousand dollar T.A's sauteed in minor bouts of plagarism and lots of glances over people's shoulders, it is quite clear that I would still be in junior high school.
Make no mistake my awareness of my unintelligence makes me already 14 steps ahead of you, and my ability to quote fake it till I make it mixed in with my understanding of some highly arbitrary cultural norms, gives off the appearance that perhaps my intelligence stands up to par of your tutored and doctored I.Q
As for intelligence I lack some sufficient common sense necessary for one's matriculation in this place we call life. I lose my wallet, I cannot do 15 percent of the tip, am still confused about how pregnancy works, I have no idea why we are in Iraq, confuse Rwanda with a jewl brands and most definitely could not tell you what is up with healthcare except for the fact that I know its wrong.
I frequently participate in discussions whether it be at a lecture hall, a cocktail party, a dinner for the queen, or a meeting of CEO board members for women and have no qualms about sharing my personal opinions and anecdotes regardless of whether I know what is being discussed.
Why? Other than the reason that it is hilarious, is that I am a firm believer in the notion that it is not as much what you say but how you say it. Any opinion with a somewhat angry inflected british tone that sounds utterly convincing, will convey your point and your audience may silently think to themselves "shes not quite as smart..but much better looking" but never dare say it out loud.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
shrink Criteria
I only see the best of the creme de la creme physicians in Paris, and when they are simply just too busy to take on another client.. they are quickly reminded of my highly unique case that could possibly be the missing ingredient replete with quality anecdotes for their 4th Best seller. To which case, they immediately clear their schedule of high class bulimic over exercising neurotic alcoholic frigid sluts to make room for the one who started the trend... the glitter therapist herself.
Now, my shrink criteria is similar to that of my best friend criteria, but has some slight alterations as they are now responsible for chemically stabilizing my overall not so well being.
Alas.. the criteria as follows
Must....
be skinny, blonde, C cup boobs,
wear chanel suits,
have at least one husband
have an office with a jacuzzi lest I feel the need to go for a dip mid session,
be the author of three best selling books,
be an M.D ( why would I see a shrink that cannot legally prescribe valium)
must be over the age of being able to get pregnant (maternal leave will not be tolerated)
not have a problem with my nudity during sessions
must take phone calls at 2 am
must critique my poetry
must allow me to sit on her lap and be invited to thanksgiving
must allow me to mimic blow job sucking movements on her fingers
Now, my shrink criteria is similar to that of my best friend criteria, but has some slight alterations as they are now responsible for chemically stabilizing my overall not so well being.
Alas.. the criteria as follows
Must....
be skinny, blonde, C cup boobs,
wear chanel suits,
have at least one husband
have an office with a jacuzzi lest I feel the need to go for a dip mid session,
be the author of three best selling books,
be an M.D ( why would I see a shrink that cannot legally prescribe valium)
must be over the age of being able to get pregnant (maternal leave will not be tolerated)
not have a problem with my nudity during sessions
must take phone calls at 2 am
must critique my poetry
must allow me to sit on her lap and be invited to thanksgiving
must allow me to mimic blow job sucking movements on her fingers
Adderall Trust Funds, Xanax and OOki Sushi
It is fairly obvious that my psychopharmacologist will be my maid of honor besides sister in the third wedding as she is my God who provides me with my endless supply of medication. No questions asked.
However, I would like to advise wannabe social climbing socialites that the shrink is NOT the end all and be all. I quote my skinny blonde member of my inner circle.."Who pays for your tampons"? The shrink may have the pseudo ivy degree to write out prescriptions in her glittery pen, but who pays for this? FATHER, who may or may not be a great part of your medication needs. But he pays the bill, leaves you with money, and supplies your ooki sushi needs, irregardless of the possibility that these very skinny asian waitresses who make out of control rolls have a side gig as hookers to the Fathers around us.
Stay medicated.. xx
However, I would like to advise wannabe social climbing socialites that the shrink is NOT the end all and be all. I quote my skinny blonde member of my inner circle.."Who pays for your tampons"? The shrink may have the pseudo ivy degree to write out prescriptions in her glittery pen, but who pays for this? FATHER, who may or may not be a great part of your medication needs. But he pays the bill, leaves you with money, and supplies your ooki sushi needs, irregardless of the possibility that these very skinny asian waitresses who make out of control rolls have a side gig as hookers to the Fathers around us.
Stay medicated.. xx
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Overdose on Oxycontin: Ambulance, the new party bus
If you have done this you either live in a trailer park, have a terrible shrink, or are auditioning for the Real World and sent this in as your tape. There is no surefire sign that you are of the bourgeoise middle class if you purposely overdose on oxy. Any painkiller that sounds like a chemical for orgasm ( oxy toxin) should not be considered in a way to party slash die.
Children, overdosing on oxy is over. If you trying to simultaneously party whilst kill yourself, which naturally is fantastic as it is the newest freshest hippest way to party.... than pick another painkiller as oxy reeks of low class strippers in a trailerpark wearing blue eyeliner finger banged by daddy in a wifebeater with a beer stain whilst selling crystal meth.
Overdosing is a great way to jump on the new trend of partying in the ambulance. Just please pick a drug or a mixture classier and more interesting than oxy. How about a fun combination to showcase your wildly eclectic personality? A few adderall mixed with 16 tequila shots topped with some gourmet ice cream and cocaine inserted in the vagina? Ambulances are extremely conducive to a phenom after party: the lights, the alarm, the bed for hook ups, and the wires to I.V yourself with something fun. Ring the alarm.
Children, overdosing on oxy is over. If you trying to simultaneously party whilst kill yourself, which naturally is fantastic as it is the newest freshest hippest way to party.... than pick another painkiller as oxy reeks of low class strippers in a trailerpark wearing blue eyeliner finger banged by daddy in a wifebeater with a beer stain whilst selling crystal meth.
Overdosing is a great way to jump on the new trend of partying in the ambulance. Just please pick a drug or a mixture classier and more interesting than oxy. How about a fun combination to showcase your wildly eclectic personality? A few adderall mixed with 16 tequila shots topped with some gourmet ice cream and cocaine inserted in the vagina? Ambulances are extremely conducive to a phenom after party: the lights, the alarm, the bed for hook ups, and the wires to I.V yourself with something fun. Ring the alarm.
Desperate attempts
So its fairly clear that I am a desperate slutty hot mess suffering from a wide array of rich diseases sauteed in daddy issues and self inflicted violence.
Here is a collection of texts I may or may have not sent this pass weekend.
1. Hey listen, you look really good tonight, do you want to come hang out in my room when we leave this bar?
2. OMG, I drank this entire bottle of Veuve Clicquot, LOLOL smiley face, what are you doing? Can I come meet you?
3. I feel like I want to get very weird, what about you?
4. Haha, Im not that easy Mister, you are going to have to work for it, where should I meet you?
5. I forgot all of my underwear in the laundry truck
6. Oops I accidently swallowed this bottle of advil, do you mind come helping me?
7. Im at Pink Elephant! Its poppin! Come meet me, I look pretty good.
8. Babeee you are looking so good tonight, come play with me
9. Your ex girlfriend is here. I just pushed her.
10. I feel like I need to tell you that Ive been in love with you since I was 11.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
overheard by Father in the Wine cellar the Remix:
Back by popular demand as clearly my previous post citing father was the prologue. Alas, herein lies the heart of his character where you will see more of his views on his jewish religion , family values, unhomophobia and sexuality, his study for creepy solo meetings, evening activities, and johnny walker black.
Here is some more insight thrown into the mix: Love you daddy xoxoxox
Glitter Therapist: Father what are you doing this evening?
possible but not limited responses..
1. I am going out for drinks with the CEO of Toys R Us. Then we are going to Carmen. Then we are going to Esca, the maitre D knows me better than I know myself.
2. I am going out with Mother. We are going to the ballet. Mother wants to go a fun young hip place after the performance, there will probably be a lot of gays. The Maitre D does not know me. I had 16 people confirm the reservation.
3. Its Friday I do nothing. I order clams and wine and talk to the dogs and go to bed. I havent gone out on a Friday in 4 years. Tennis in the morning.
Father: Did you just get up from the table? We are dining. This is a lovely family evening.
Father: What is this extra charge on the amex for 14.69 at Shake Shack? Im fat just reading this.
Father: I hired a black gay person. I will probably talk about this for years.
Father: The cocktail party didnt have Johnny Walker Black. I left early.
Father: Leave me a note under the coffee maker or else I will not do it
Father: You are a bro and like to party at hotspots are atttractive, use gay slurs and are rude to women? You should come interview for me
Father: If you are not downstairs for tennis at 10:15 there will be no allowance for the rest of the month and you will have to walk the dogs late at night and no driver for everyother day until March and then we will review that matter upstairs, creepily, in my study -
Father: IN THE FUTURE: if it is 12:53 and there is SNOW and you need the Range Rover.. Please leave extra time before the snowstorm starts,. and then call me to tell me about the car. Then we should review this matter in my study. Just us.
Father: I just do not understand why Mother does not like Forest Hills tennis club. It is very chic. People drink scotch. People are over 100. I am the chairman.
Father:(to mother in front of his children Christmas dinner) That outfit looked much better without a bra. Why did you change? Now its ruined.
Father: To the best of my knowledge she is NOT coming to dinner, I believe she has other plans and will meet us after. The driver is a moron.
Father to sister: Sweetheart do you want to go pumkin picking for halloween in the suburbs and then go to King Kullen?
Sister: No: I just vommed- Im going out (age 4)
Father (On his judaism): We are decorating the Christmas tree and getting wreathes and putting an angel on top of the tree and listening Pavarotti Christmas carols all through the apartment. Family Values. Ronald Reagan
Father: Im going to Geneva in the morning on business and I only fly British Airways as they call them stewardesses. I will only fly B.A even if I am going to California. I will fly British Airways to London and take British Airways back to California just so I do not have to hear them called Flight attendants.
Here is some more insight thrown into the mix: Love you daddy xoxoxox
Glitter Therapist: Father what are you doing this evening?
possible but not limited responses..
1. I am going out for drinks with the CEO of Toys R Us. Then we are going to Carmen. Then we are going to Esca, the maitre D knows me better than I know myself.
2. I am going out with Mother. We are going to the ballet. Mother wants to go a fun young hip place after the performance, there will probably be a lot of gays. The Maitre D does not know me. I had 16 people confirm the reservation.
3. Its Friday I do nothing. I order clams and wine and talk to the dogs and go to bed. I havent gone out on a Friday in 4 years. Tennis in the morning.
Father: Did you just get up from the table? We are dining. This is a lovely family evening.
Father: What is this extra charge on the amex for 14.69 at Shake Shack? Im fat just reading this.
Father: I hired a black gay person. I will probably talk about this for years.
Father: The cocktail party didnt have Johnny Walker Black. I left early.
Father: Leave me a note under the coffee maker or else I will not do it
Father: You are a bro and like to party at hotspots are atttractive, use gay slurs and are rude to women? You should come interview for me
Father: If you are not downstairs for tennis at 10:15 there will be no allowance for the rest of the month and you will have to walk the dogs late at night and no driver for everyother day until March and then we will review that matter upstairs, creepily, in my study -
Father: IN THE FUTURE: if it is 12:53 and there is SNOW and you need the Range Rover.. Please leave extra time before the snowstorm starts,. and then call me to tell me about the car. Then we should review this matter in my study. Just us.
Father: I just do not understand why Mother does not like Forest Hills tennis club. It is very chic. People drink scotch. People are over 100. I am the chairman.
Father:(to mother in front of his children Christmas dinner) That outfit looked much better without a bra. Why did you change? Now its ruined.
Father: To the best of my knowledge she is NOT coming to dinner, I believe she has other plans and will meet us after. The driver is a moron.
Father to sister: Sweetheart do you want to go pumkin picking for halloween in the suburbs and then go to King Kullen?
Sister: No: I just vommed- Im going out (age 4)
Father (On his judaism): We are decorating the Christmas tree and getting wreathes and putting an angel on top of the tree and listening Pavarotti Christmas carols all through the apartment. Family Values. Ronald Reagan
Father: Im going to Geneva in the morning on business and I only fly British Airways as they call them stewardesses. I will only fly B.A even if I am going to California. I will fly British Airways to London and take British Airways back to California just so I do not have to hear them called Flight attendants.
Lost me at hello
Hello is arguably one of the worst pick up lines since pick up lines were created. Why? because how does one respond? Hello. This sounds like a conversation deader than bragging you go to fashion week.
Hello is something you say to an ambassador, not a possible victim.
Why not start out with a witty banter line.. some of which include but are not limited too...(not the brand)
My father gave me these shoes..he wore them at his bachelor party
It is so crowded in here.. would you like to go out for a cigarette?
Wow you are really tan, where do you stay in St. Tropez?
God this city is so dry this weekend
They have really poor top shelf vodka dont you agree?
This song is really overplayed.. I much prefer OMG..baby let me love you now by Usher.
Do you like this DJ? Hes actually one of my really good friends. We were in the same frat.
Hello is something you say to an ambassador, not a possible victim.
Why not start out with a witty banter line.. some of which include but are not limited too...(not the brand)
My father gave me these shoes..he wore them at his bachelor party
It is so crowded in here.. would you like to go out for a cigarette?
Wow you are really tan, where do you stay in St. Tropez?
God this city is so dry this weekend
They have really poor top shelf vodka dont you agree?
This song is really overplayed.. I much prefer OMG..baby let me love you now by Usher.
Do you like this DJ? Hes actually one of my really good friends. We were in the same frat.
Girlfriends with Benefits
Obviously the male friends with benefits is when you grope each other and he does not have to buy you things. Whilst I engage in this behavior tout le temps, I have realized it has left me sexually, and more importantly financially unfulfilled yet I still continue this behavior, as
my schizophrenic desire to get off renders me nearly incapable of not returning to friends with benefits.
But my new yogic mantra, that I developed whilst bbming in childs pose, is no sex unless it is for tasteful films or if it is a facebook relationship replete with veuve clicquot, sleeping pills, and holidays off of the almafi coast.
However, Girlfriends with benefits is social climbing on an intimate level. These are the girlfriends solely for the purpose of getting into clubs, good restaurants, and meeting more hedgefund coked out financier douche bags with violent tendencies and some questional homosexual behavior. They are pretty, not too pretty, idiotic when it comes to common sense, has european parents or grandparents and a last name that is impressive-ish.
my schizophrenic desire to get off renders me nearly incapable of not returning to friends with benefits.
But my new yogic mantra, that I developed whilst bbming in childs pose, is no sex unless it is for tasteful films or if it is a facebook relationship replete with veuve clicquot, sleeping pills, and holidays off of the almafi coast.
However, Girlfriends with benefits is social climbing on an intimate level. These are the girlfriends solely for the purpose of getting into clubs, good restaurants, and meeting more hedgefund coked out financier douche bags with violent tendencies and some questional homosexual behavior. They are pretty, not too pretty, idiotic when it comes to common sense, has european parents or grandparents and a last name that is impressive-ish.
You know you have a problem when...
you are a rich hot virgin ...Why?
your home in the hamptons is being renovated for july 4th weekend
your maid sucks and probably steals your weed
you cant remember whether you took your birth control
theres a fire at Fred's in barney's (sorry for partying..with fire)
you ordered wine from California at the restaurant (screams middle class and lack of knowledge of proper grape growth and development)
you hit send all
you hit on your dad
you came to quickly
the xanax is the generic brand
your driver got lost on the way to teterboro
you use terms like blackout, epic, ridiculous, to describe evenings out to further accentuate how hard you party which is neither classy rich or impressive. (black out is when you cant speak, an epic is Homer's OdY and the only thing ridic is that your education costs 250,000 (counting nursery school and glitter pens) and you do not know the meaning of these words
you wake up with bruises on your face that were not self induced for black mail purposes
you miss the deadline for abortion
your shrink is pregnant
you get blogged about as being bad in bed with your stage name
you get photographed wearing clothes in a living designer
your're in temple
your home in the hamptons is being renovated for july 4th weekend
your maid sucks and probably steals your weed
you cant remember whether you took your birth control
theres a fire at Fred's in barney's (sorry for partying..with fire)
you ordered wine from California at the restaurant (screams middle class and lack of knowledge of proper grape growth and development)
you hit send all
you hit on your dad
you came to quickly
the xanax is the generic brand
your driver got lost on the way to teterboro
you use terms like blackout, epic, ridiculous, to describe evenings out to further accentuate how hard you party which is neither classy rich or impressive. (black out is when you cant speak, an epic is Homer's OdY and the only thing ridic is that your education costs 250,000 (counting nursery school and glitter pens) and you do not know the meaning of these words
you wake up with bruises on your face that were not self induced for black mail purposes
you miss the deadline for abortion
your shrink is pregnant
you get blogged about as being bad in bed with your stage name
you get photographed wearing clothes in a living designer
your're in temple
Monday, February 21, 2011
90's Girl Musicians promote offensive values
Most of my creme de la creme inner circle would argue that my music taste is rather pretentious and retarded, and I do not necessarily disagree as
I live my life to what can be described as a mashup of R.Kelly's remix to ignition and Mozart's Piano sonata #11
The corrupted confused medicated rich 20 somethings in this generation were taught by their socialite mothers to marry obscenely wealthy, an arduous yet highly reasonable task like orgasming on the bottom.The 90's women created an identity crisis that made us feel bad for our future gold digging exisistences. This will no longer be tolerated. No one should ever make you feel bad for only caring about money.
We became quickly confused when girl bands started to promote values of morality, independence, loyalty, bravery, and lots of other stuff that is highly uninteresting. Thanks, but Id rather take my van cleef jewelry and be dependent and highly immoral.
Here is what I am talking about:
" Even if you were broke my love don't cost a thing, baby credit cards aren't romance, if you are trying to buy whats already yours what I need from you is not available in stores"- Jennifer Lopez
Ive never heard something more infactual than when Obama said he was born in America. Socialites, we need what is in the stores.
"See theres no ring on this finger. I kinda like being single" -Scene 23 band from the pre American Idol Show
Who likes being single and not having rings?
"Slowly makin me pay for things your money should be handling"- Destiny's Child
While I give Destiny some credit for not approving of this male behavior, I do not forgive because they let this depravity go on for so long that there had to be a song about it
"Im a slave 4 u, Im not trying to hide it Baby dont you wanna dance up on me?" - Britney Spears
O really? and what happens tomorrow morning? This gives off the impression you are not a well bread aristocrat and are solely used for practice. Do not give head if he did not take you to one of Wolfgang's restaurants before the club.
"The shoes im wearing I bought it the house I live in I bought it cause I depend on me if I want it-Destiny's Child
The first time I heard this song I cried my eyes out. If I only depended on me for what I wanted I would most likely be in a psych ward with bad lighting and no room service.
"you are beautiful, no matter what they say, words cant bring me down" -Christina Aguleria
This encourages women to not exercise, not invest in much needed dye jobs, plastic surgery, richer looking clothes, and thus suffer from further inflated self worth.
Thank god the 90's over, a decade that promoted liberals and tamagachi's. Horrid, they even smelled asian.
Do not ever feel you need to apologize for your inability to see romance and wealth as separate notions.
Stay medicated, see you at the St. Regis xx
I live my life to what can be described as a mashup of R.Kelly's remix to ignition and Mozart's Piano sonata #11
The corrupted confused medicated rich 20 somethings in this generation were taught by their socialite mothers to marry obscenely wealthy, an arduous yet highly reasonable task like orgasming on the bottom.The 90's women created an identity crisis that made us feel bad for our future gold digging exisistences. This will no longer be tolerated. No one should ever make you feel bad for only caring about money.
We became quickly confused when girl bands started to promote values of morality, independence, loyalty, bravery, and lots of other stuff that is highly uninteresting. Thanks, but Id rather take my van cleef jewelry and be dependent and highly immoral.
Here is what I am talking about:
" Even if you were broke my love don't cost a thing, baby credit cards aren't romance, if you are trying to buy whats already yours what I need from you is not available in stores"- Jennifer Lopez
Ive never heard something more infactual than when Obama said he was born in America. Socialites, we need what is in the stores.
"See theres no ring on this finger. I kinda like being single" -Scene 23 band from the pre American Idol Show
Who likes being single and not having rings?
"Slowly makin me pay for things your money should be handling"- Destiny's Child
While I give Destiny some credit for not approving of this male behavior, I do not forgive because they let this depravity go on for so long that there had to be a song about it
"Im a slave 4 u, Im not trying to hide it Baby dont you wanna dance up on me?" - Britney Spears
O really? and what happens tomorrow morning? This gives off the impression you are not a well bread aristocrat and are solely used for practice. Do not give head if he did not take you to one of Wolfgang's restaurants before the club.
"The shoes im wearing I bought it the house I live in I bought it cause I depend on me if I want it-Destiny's Child
The first time I heard this song I cried my eyes out. If I only depended on me for what I wanted I would most likely be in a psych ward with bad lighting and no room service.
"you are beautiful, no matter what they say, words cant bring me down" -Christina Aguleria
This encourages women to not exercise, not invest in much needed dye jobs, plastic surgery, richer looking clothes, and thus suffer from further inflated self worth.
Thank god the 90's over, a decade that promoted liberals and tamagachi's. Horrid, they even smelled asian.
Do not ever feel you need to apologize for your inability to see romance and wealth as separate notions.
Stay medicated, see you at the St. Regis xx
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Painfully easy to get: slash rude to turn down invites
Now,
The soul purpose of addressing gentlemen to stop texting to finger, is because let's be honest. We all love to get very weird with a potential CEO/hedgefundlawyerbankeragents as it could be the opening of a possible facebook relationship and eventually third marriage to get the lifestyle we deserve and live in a house with everything marble and more maids then books in the library.
The problem with the "lets watch wedding crashers" text, gets me everytime because A. it is arguably one of the most sophisticated films of our generations ipso facto one of my favorites on a cultural level and B. I always trick myself into thinking that "it would be rude to decline such a nice invitation"
thusly my desperate slutty alcholic neurotic personality comes into full frution rendering me incapable of being hard to get. Easy to get is synomous with used up washed up 2nd tier middle class, equals not hot. But I am a victim as I dont like to turn down invitations.
So this is what I propose to this generation of social climbing socialites who are the creme de la creme in terms of looks personality and trust fund money, Use Glittery Handcuffs to handcuff yourself to whereever you are and DO NOT GO.
Stay where you are
self service yourself
go to the 4 Seasons and get picked up by a man who doesnt speak english and will fly you on his jet to Moscow.
We are too rich, too medicated, too tramatized by our over indulged under emotionally cared for childhood to let men finger us and not get jewelery or a nice bottle of champagne after it.
The soul purpose of addressing gentlemen to stop texting to finger, is because let's be honest. We all love to get very weird with a potential CEO/hedgefundlawyerbankeragents as it could be the opening of a possible facebook relationship and eventually third marriage to get the lifestyle we deserve and live in a house with everything marble and more maids then books in the library.
The problem with the "lets watch wedding crashers" text, gets me everytime because A. it is arguably one of the most sophisticated films of our generations ipso facto one of my favorites on a cultural level and B. I always trick myself into thinking that "it would be rude to decline such a nice invitation"
thusly my desperate slutty alcholic neurotic personality comes into full frution rendering me incapable of being hard to get. Easy to get is synomous with used up washed up 2nd tier middle class, equals not hot. But I am a victim as I dont like to turn down invitations.
So this is what I propose to this generation of social climbing socialites who are the creme de la creme in terms of looks personality and trust fund money, Use Glittery Handcuffs to handcuff yourself to whereever you are and DO NOT GO.
Stay where you are
self service yourself
go to the 4 Seasons and get picked up by a man who doesnt speak english and will fly you on his jet to Moscow.
We are too rich, too medicated, too tramatized by our over indulged under emotionally cared for childhood to let men finger us and not get jewelery or a nice bottle of champagne after it.
Gentlemen, we dont want to watch a movie and hook up
Gentlemen,
You are so lazy it hurts.
I know that get in get out and do not work for it has been working for centuries, but why not work for it and be a boss.
If you matriculate in the upper creme da creme circle that I know you do, I.e your dad your father owns a hedgefund and your mother draws and you paid someone to take your LSATS,
its time to stop texting to watch a movie, which even I understand is code for dry hump, and I cannot even do the pythagreon theorem.
Get out your BMW, put on your rolex, and take her out for a real meal. I know what you are thinking, thats waste of money if she is an anorexic illiterate, but trust she'll throw it up after and be even hornier. Interestingly enough vomit is an aphrodisiac (for her).
I wholeheartedly promise you will get a blow job significantly faster and have her and her friends fooled that you are "actually a really good guy"
I understand that you may believe my logic is flawed, as if you text to watch a film/dry hump, there is still a solid chance that you will get touched over the pants that money can be saved for adderall.
HOWEVER, the more money you spend, the faster it will happen and the cooler of a guy you will seem. Especially if you are knowledable about fine wines, politics, and literature that gives off the appearance your objective is not vagina.
You are so lazy it hurts.
I know that get in get out and do not work for it has been working for centuries, but why not work for it and be a boss.
If you matriculate in the upper creme da creme circle that I know you do, I.e your dad your father owns a hedgefund and your mother draws and you paid someone to take your LSATS,
its time to stop texting to watch a movie, which even I understand is code for dry hump, and I cannot even do the pythagreon theorem.
Get out your BMW, put on your rolex, and take her out for a real meal. I know what you are thinking, thats waste of money if she is an anorexic illiterate, but trust she'll throw it up after and be even hornier. Interestingly enough vomit is an aphrodisiac (for her).
I wholeheartedly promise you will get a blow job significantly faster and have her and her friends fooled that you are "actually a really good guy"
I understand that you may believe my logic is flawed, as if you text to watch a film/dry hump, there is still a solid chance that you will get touched over the pants that money can be saved for adderall.
HOWEVER, the more money you spend, the faster it will happen and the cooler of a guy you will seem. Especially if you are knowledable about fine wines, politics, and literature that gives off the appearance your objective is not vagina.
"Go out till 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat do it again-"
As the title of this blog, many of you will recognize is the critically acclaimed musical genius Asher Roth, and whilst he creates a reasonably accurate picture of the university lifestyle, it is a bit too bourgeouise for my taste.
I.E drink beer smoke weed? I would rather fly coach and sit between two obese fighting twins
As for the hours listed above, I usually go to bed at 10 am hopefully in someone's hotel room if all goes to plan.
I.E drink beer smoke weed? I would rather fly coach and sit between two obese fighting twins
As for the hours listed above, I usually go to bed at 10 am hopefully in someone's hotel room if all goes to plan.
Ive been so busy...
Whilst I try to chronicle every day about my cumings and goings, sometimes I am just too busy lying around in bed or taking my anti depressants or choosing pedicure colors to get all the work that has to be done, done.
Most wanna be socialites complain about how busy and stressed they are in between the charity functions, the hair appointments, the pilatays classes, and the stress about the lack of good help.
Once when maid didnt make my canopy, I had an ulcer and had to go to the hospital.
When I was 3, and after living in the 4 seasons for 4 months whilst the pied a terre was being built, I cried my eyes out when I discovered there was no room service.
Its hard out there, busy lives, stressful "jobs", and lots of seducing the rich. stay bizzy
Most wanna be socialites complain about how busy and stressed they are in between the charity functions, the hair appointments, the pilatays classes, and the stress about the lack of good help.
Once when maid didnt make my canopy, I had an ulcer and had to go to the hospital.
When I was 3, and after living in the 4 seasons for 4 months whilst the pied a terre was being built, I cried my eyes out when I discovered there was no room service.
Its hard out there, busy lives, stressful "jobs", and lots of seducing the rich. stay bizzy
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
overheard by Father
Sh*t my dad says has nothing on us
Father: "Spegnere le ultime innovazioni in camera immediatamente. Noi non
abbiamo stock in Edison"
Father: "Spegnere le ultime innovazioni in camera immediatamente. Noi non
abbiamo stock in Edison"
Translation: Turn off the lights in your bedroom immediately. We do not have stock in Con edison.
Father: Where are Daddy's dream girls? (to the dogs)
Father: Your friends have great bodies
Father: If you are a waspy trust fund baby, can kayak, and have a phenom swerve, you should come interview for me.
Father: Why are their blacks at this hotel?
Father: I was sort of big man on campus. I was in a frat. After we smoked weed I ate blueberry yogurt. I went to Cornell, ever heard of it? My girlfriend was an opera singer. She was Miss Montana.
Father: Thats not a top tier- restaurant, school, tennis player ranking, hotel, wine, figure, maid, significant other
Father: The westmoor in Nantucket's lunch facilities are arguably the most beautiful grounds in America- I want to be buried on these tennis courts
Father: It is beyond my realm of comprehension that you think what you did was acceptable. I want an apology in writing, preferably in Italian
Father: Are you very slightly retarded?
Father: Im in fantastic shape. I wake up. I play tennis with people who could be my children and then beat them. I swim 40 laps. Then I do sit ups. I weigh myself every 3 days. If I am 2 pounds heavier than I dont eat the bread at Le Bernadin.
Father: You are a limousine liberal. I have a gay friend. I mean, he doesn't talk about being gay. He doesnt talk about his relationships or fashion. He is very quiet. (hes prolly not gay)
Father: Love me, love my dogs
Father: I am NOT the hired help.
Father: I made these yams especially for you, Now does anyone want to talk about why Obama's healthcare plan has failed so badly? Additionally, heretofore furthermore, you young lady have not responded to my email about going to the opera in 3 months.
Father: I need that in writing under the coffee maker before 6:28 am when I have my coffee and stroke the dog for 7 minutes and eat non fat yogurt that my BFF who is 24 and we have the same abs by the way recommended I eat.
Father: Where's cat? Where is THE CAT? Sweetheart? Do you like the yams? I also made cous cous and halibut and a big pot of moroccan vegetables. I hate fat people. Men are better than women. Does anyone want any wine with dinner?
Father: Eva Longoria has great boobs
Father: Brunch is not for straight men
Father: I went to Valley Forge Military school when I was 8. (insert theme song Its the FORGE that does it.. the FORGE)
Father: Where are Daddy's dream girls? (to the dogs)
Father: Your friends have great bodies
Father: If you are a waspy trust fund baby, can kayak, and have a phenom swerve, you should come interview for me.
Father: Why are their blacks at this hotel?
Father: I was sort of big man on campus. I was in a frat. After we smoked weed I ate blueberry yogurt. I went to Cornell, ever heard of it? My girlfriend was an opera singer. She was Miss Montana.
Father: Thats not a top tier- restaurant, school, tennis player ranking, hotel, wine, figure, maid, significant other
Father: The westmoor in Nantucket's lunch facilities are arguably the most beautiful grounds in America- I want to be buried on these tennis courts
Father: It is beyond my realm of comprehension that you think what you did was acceptable. I want an apology in writing, preferably in Italian
Father: Are you very slightly retarded?
Father: Im in fantastic shape. I wake up. I play tennis with people who could be my children and then beat them. I swim 40 laps. Then I do sit ups. I weigh myself every 3 days. If I am 2 pounds heavier than I dont eat the bread at Le Bernadin.
Father: You are a limousine liberal. I have a gay friend. I mean, he doesn't talk about being gay. He doesnt talk about his relationships or fashion. He is very quiet. (hes prolly not gay)
Father: Love me, love my dogs
Father: I am NOT the hired help.
Father: I made these yams especially for you, Now does anyone want to talk about why Obama's healthcare plan has failed so badly? Additionally, heretofore furthermore, you young lady have not responded to my email about going to the opera in 3 months.
Father: I need that in writing under the coffee maker before 6:28 am when I have my coffee and stroke the dog for 7 minutes and eat non fat yogurt that my BFF who is 24 and we have the same abs by the way recommended I eat.
Father: Where's cat? Where is THE CAT? Sweetheart? Do you like the yams? I also made cous cous and halibut and a big pot of moroccan vegetables. I hate fat people. Men are better than women. Does anyone want any wine with dinner?
Father: Eva Longoria has great boobs
Father: Brunch is not for straight men
Father: I went to Valley Forge Military school when I was 8. (insert theme song Its the FORGE that does it.. the FORGE)
Monday, February 14, 2011
Lies I Tell myself part 2-
Its not that im not dating him because hes black...
I never smoke pot
Im not that racist
Im practically a celebrity
We are dating because we are in love it has nothing to do with the fact that his Dad is George Bush
I always tip 25 percent,
I never speak badly of my friends
Im really into poetry
Its romantic to not have money
I dont think about my trust fund that often - it doesn't really matter-
I would never sleep with your boyfriend
I would never wear something on sale
I care about poor people and AIDS
I can absolutely taste the difference between this 1997 Chiraz and this 2010 Andre
I know a lot about classical music and Renaissance art
I can name all of Shakespeare's plays
I am fluent in French and Arabic
Im a very healthy eater
I dont need a boob job
Diamonds are just rocks
He hasnt called because he is in Dubai
I never blackout
I never have had a lesbian moment
I will never marry a man like my father
I am not jewish
I have never secretly wished to be on NYC PREP
Id never do an abused wife or rape fantasy
Ive never molested myself as a child
Charity is a great way to give back to the community and meet people
Im friends with people from all walks of life
I always use a condom
I can easily get a reservation
I can orgasm pretty easily
Ive never had an abortion
I am not an alcoholic
Piercing your clit is tacky
I have other friends besides my pharmacist my shrink my housekeeper and my horsebackriding instructor
Socialite Housewives: Which One are you?
Glittery socialite housewife:
tall, skinny, waspy jew, rich from parents and then from husband #2,
matriculate ivy league or pseudo ivy league institution but studied baby development and the impacts of twitter on society ,
botox, cheek implants, chin rhinoplasty, ass liposuction, collagen lips, oscar blandi highlights, icy exterior, cool demeanor except towards animals and latino's
4 dogs, 2 horses, 3 children and one step child who is kind of fat so is out of all of the portraits,
12 chanel bikini's 16 hermes scarfs, 1 haute couture wedding gown, gucci sunglasses, cartier watch, princess cut engagement ring
3 maids, 2 shrinks, constantly complaining about stress and the unfairness of the world but thinks Darfur is the name of the pool boy, patron to the arts but doesn't know what patron means,
has not orgasmed since clinton,
calls herself a career woman,
has a personal stylist nutritionist trainer and makeup artist who are all brazilian and live in the guest house.
There are two kinds of socialite housewives. The first is the one who dances with men half her age as she is still convinced she is 20 just because she paid a doctor to look like one and who's vagina can handle sex beyond missionary. And may I just say, more power to you, you look effing fantastic and could bounce caviar off of your stomach. See you at Pilatays
The 2nd kind is the one who seeks men who are about to keel over and die so she can take their money when they are dead. Good luck fighting off his children, but not to worry one of my dear lawyer friends makes sure the third wife gets everything. She cheated on the bar at Harvard and used to buy coke from my cousin. She knows whats up.
tall, skinny, waspy jew, rich from parents and then from husband #2,
matriculate ivy league or pseudo ivy league institution but studied baby development and the impacts of twitter on society ,
botox, cheek implants, chin rhinoplasty, ass liposuction, collagen lips, oscar blandi highlights, icy exterior, cool demeanor except towards animals and latino's
4 dogs, 2 horses, 3 children and one step child who is kind of fat so is out of all of the portraits,
12 chanel bikini's 16 hermes scarfs, 1 haute couture wedding gown, gucci sunglasses, cartier watch, princess cut engagement ring
3 maids, 2 shrinks, constantly complaining about stress and the unfairness of the world but thinks Darfur is the name of the pool boy, patron to the arts but doesn't know what patron means,
has not orgasmed since clinton,
calls herself a career woman,
has a personal stylist nutritionist trainer and makeup artist who are all brazilian and live in the guest house.
There are two kinds of socialite housewives. The first is the one who dances with men half her age as she is still convinced she is 20 just because she paid a doctor to look like one and who's vagina can handle sex beyond missionary. And may I just say, more power to you, you look effing fantastic and could bounce caviar off of your stomach. See you at Pilatays
The 2nd kind is the one who seeks men who are about to keel over and die so she can take their money when they are dead. Good luck fighting off his children, but not to worry one of my dear lawyer friends makes sure the third wife gets everything. She cheated on the bar at Harvard and used to buy coke from my cousin. She knows whats up.
you madeout with your friend-
Good for you, I see no reason in being friends with the opposite sex for no other reason than sexual or financial purposes. I infact see little purpose in friends in general unless it is financial or sexual.
But Ill humor the fools for a moment who play the platinum card "I just love hanging out with the guys" or "Im definitely boys with those girls", as many members of my inner circle frequent in this kind of moronic chatter. Its obvious you all want to caress each other and blog about it.
So, you and your man have been dear friends for quite awhile and after a semi interesting night with a few too many adderalls and vodka diet red bulls...
whilst grinding up to old school 90's rap at the opening of the new studio 54, you start to feel erotically charged and feel the need be satisfied with something other than crystal vibrator or husband/wife.
SO you makeout and perhaps a little under the pants which cause a blue ball situation and before you know it, you crossed the line between friends with sexual tensions to friends who have turned sexual.
By all means, Do not freak out and cancel brunch and mimosas as A. you will miss quality photo opportunities and B. own it.
Own it. You made out with your friend. Sexual, now you have a friend forced to buy you drinks and get you off.
Makeout with your friends. Own it. Live it. Don't be ridiculous and think that everything has changed. Know everything has changed. For the better.
But Ill humor the fools for a moment who play the platinum card "I just love hanging out with the guys" or "Im definitely boys with those girls", as many members of my inner circle frequent in this kind of moronic chatter. Its obvious you all want to caress each other and blog about it.
So, you and your man have been dear friends for quite awhile and after a semi interesting night with a few too many adderalls and vodka diet red bulls...
whilst grinding up to old school 90's rap at the opening of the new studio 54, you start to feel erotically charged and feel the need be satisfied with something other than crystal vibrator or husband/wife.
SO you makeout and perhaps a little under the pants which cause a blue ball situation and before you know it, you crossed the line between friends with sexual tensions to friends who have turned sexual.
By all means, Do not freak out and cancel brunch and mimosas as A. you will miss quality photo opportunities and B. own it.
Own it. You made out with your friend. Sexual, now you have a friend forced to buy you drinks and get you off.
Makeout with your friends. Own it. Live it. Don't be ridiculous and think that everything has changed. Know everything has changed. For the better.
I enjoy friends with these qualities..
We will most likely be good friends if you:
frequently punch people in clubs, tweet about your eating disorder, trade medicine for stock market advice, live by the philosophy of gbh *give head bounce, dont care about global warming, watch glee and the O reilly factor, booze at lunch, apply for internships with terrorists, get naked in first class, brag about sleeping with models,
frequently punch people in clubs, tweet about your eating disorder, trade medicine for stock market advice, live by the philosophy of gbh *give head bounce, dont care about global warming, watch glee and the O reilly factor, booze at lunch, apply for internships with terrorists, get naked in first class, brag about sleeping with models,
Sunday, February 13, 2011
cant handle the pinot xanax combo?
If you cant handle the heat.. stay out of the kitchen
If you cant handle the buzz...get out of my table
I have been tripping on xanax and pinot since the 4th grade, and I most certainly have had my series of traumatic blackouts, hospital visits, day rehab stays, psycho evaluations, and boozy interventions.
After a rough pre teen existence I have learned to properly handle my mixture of uppers and depressants like the late Judy Garland.
The fact is, like most over indulged neglected wealthy neurotic bulimic insomniac stressed out socialites, I am a controlled alcoholic
. A. to get through the day and B. nothing says Im classy like drinking 2 bottles of wine at dinner and maintaining classy decorum
not all were born with the skill to maintain a boozy concoction of vicodin and scotch, and hey thats just fine, but I own my past existence of a boozy not so hot mess to a social climbing wanna be controlled alcoholic and you should do the same.
see you at the St. Regis
If you cant handle the buzz...get out of my table
I have been tripping on xanax and pinot since the 4th grade, and I most certainly have had my series of traumatic blackouts, hospital visits, day rehab stays, psycho evaluations, and boozy interventions.
After a rough pre teen existence I have learned to properly handle my mixture of uppers and depressants like the late Judy Garland.
The fact is, like most over indulged neglected wealthy neurotic bulimic insomniac stressed out socialites, I am a controlled alcoholic
. A. to get through the day and B. nothing says Im classy like drinking 2 bottles of wine at dinner and maintaining classy decorum
not all were born with the skill to maintain a boozy concoction of vicodin and scotch, and hey thats just fine, but I own my past existence of a boozy not so hot mess to a social climbing wanna be controlled alcoholic and you should do the same.
see you at the St. Regis
Why does this always happen to me
Ran into my gyno whilst pregnant at the gym smoking marijuana
I was asked to leave by the yoga teacher due to my un yogi behavior as I was bbming in childs pose and asking the gentleman next to me what his tatt means on his foot and if one would like nice on my own foot even if that would disallow me to be buried in a jew cemmy.
Namaste
took a tasteful nude shot of myself and a broom and sent it to a few friends and am now blacklisted from the Russian Tea Room
left my slow release adderall in Dubai
My last break up was so painfully obviously based on emotional and sexual problems but everyone thought it was because he lost his money in the Financial Crisis of 2008 as he worked in risk management for Lehman. I did really love him, he just couldnt get it up, when he took vicodin.
I cried when I lost 500,000 dollars in Vegas during what my friends and I call blackout black jack and security thought it was funny and put it on youtube.
I forgot my russian passport and had to use my American one to get into the clubs as that is my form of identification. But American? How 2007
Sister and Brother matriculate ivy league institutions
I didnt do my kegels this week so all of Morgan Stanley heard I was a loose ho.
My steak had butter in it when I specifically said NO BUTTER my cholestral is freakishly high rendering me incapable of being good in bed.
I accidentally voted Democrat because I was bbming and the voting man wouldnt let me switch.
Whatever, jokes on you.
I was asked to leave by the yoga teacher due to my un yogi behavior as I was bbming in childs pose and asking the gentleman next to me what his tatt means on his foot and if one would like nice on my own foot even if that would disallow me to be buried in a jew cemmy.
Namaste
took a tasteful nude shot of myself and a broom and sent it to a few friends and am now blacklisted from the Russian Tea Room
left my slow release adderall in Dubai
My last break up was so painfully obviously based on emotional and sexual problems but everyone thought it was because he lost his money in the Financial Crisis of 2008 as he worked in risk management for Lehman. I did really love him, he just couldnt get it up, when he took vicodin.
I cried when I lost 500,000 dollars in Vegas during what my friends and I call blackout black jack and security thought it was funny and put it on youtube.
I forgot my russian passport and had to use my American one to get into the clubs as that is my form of identification. But American? How 2007
Sister and Brother matriculate ivy league institutions
I didnt do my kegels this week so all of Morgan Stanley heard I was a loose ho.
My steak had butter in it when I specifically said NO BUTTER my cholestral is freakishly high rendering me incapable of being good in bed.
I accidentally voted Democrat because I was bbming and the voting man wouldnt let me switch.
Whatever, jokes on you.
and 4 white mice will never be 4 white horses...
and fald adderall and fiddle dee dee of courses! Impossible! Impossible!
If you do not recognize this song, it is the Impossible song in the Rodgers and Hammerstein version of Cinderella when the fairy god mother gets her a hot dress and white horses and glassy slippers.
This is arguably one of the best scenes in film as Cinderella is the ultimate socialite of our generation.
She does come from a wealthy family but due to unfortunate circumstances she ends up as the maid but because she is hot and scrubbing is a good workout, she gets her way into the club and finds the most eligible douche on the forbes list, plays hard to get, doesnt put out, leaving him blue balled and confused so he searches all over to find her and when he does he gives her the lifestyle she deserves.
Achieve the impossible, workout, stay hot, get an outfit that makes you look rich, and matriculate every party and of course, dont believe in sensible rules, and dont believe what sensible people say....
If you do not recognize this song, it is the Impossible song in the Rodgers and Hammerstein version of Cinderella when the fairy god mother gets her a hot dress and white horses and glassy slippers.
This is arguably one of the best scenes in film as Cinderella is the ultimate socialite of our generation.
She does come from a wealthy family but due to unfortunate circumstances she ends up as the maid but because she is hot and scrubbing is a good workout, she gets her way into the club and finds the most eligible douche on the forbes list, plays hard to get, doesnt put out, leaving him blue balled and confused so he searches all over to find her and when he does he gives her the lifestyle she deserves.
Achieve the impossible, workout, stay hot, get an outfit that makes you look rich, and matriculate every party and of course, dont believe in sensible rules, and dont believe what sensible people say....
The role of men is to sell bonds. The role of women is to organize charities to stop Genocide
Whilst I was conversing with my new genius brunette hot republican bftigot (best friend till I get over it) , she asked me why I expect men to pay the tab if they are paying on the same basis that women should not work.
Clearly she is new to my inner circle, as I had to rub glitter and hundred dollar bills all over her to explain to her that men pay and if women want to work, fine, and if they dont, they should stay home and plan parties to save stuff.
I obviously have several re tush alls to this statement. First of all, I do not want to HAVE to work. I have to WANT to work, which has been the issue for me and all wanna be socialites before me. I am horrified that women of our generation find the behavior of men not buying drinks acceptable. It is not. It is just as unacceptable as holding out for more than 4 weeks if he has a diamond encrusted plane and a home off the coast of the mediterranean.
I frequently open bar tabs in order to buy my friends and make me seem cool in the same way that men buy drinks for the goal of getting touched. Buying drinks for people is an exchange of favors. I get photographed with socialites higher on the social ladder, and they get veuve. Poker Face.
The goal of buying drinks is to get something in exchange. If the woman buys the drink for herself than the man should expect nothing sexually and should not even be able to call it a date. The woman is on her own, and as the great Nelly Furtado calls it, "Like a Bird, I wanna fly away" as you should.
The role of men is to sell bonds. The role of women is to hire a maid and not blue ball.
Men should pay because if they do they have a stronger chance of getting laid. It is more masculine, it makes the woman feel taken care of and makes the man feel in control. How would a woman be able to determine if a man can support her forever rockstar lifestyle if he cant even purchase a glass of Crystal?
luck be lady lexapro tonight
I've been on anti depressants and mood stabilizers since i could speak and have been grinding them up in my blenders and mixing them into my smoothies for myself and friends since Saddam invaded Kuwait.
I often skip my medication when going out to trashy clubs because the backwards grinding makes it easier to vomit my prosecco.
I often frequent trashy clubs, because as a critically acclaimed writer and winner of 14 erotic peace prizes issued by Kofi Annan and Bhutros Bhutros Gali at separate times, I like to find new material about how the bourgeouise of American society conduct themselves.
I. Am. Dis-gust-ed.
Its not so much that the dirty dancing and the making out make me ill, as I resort to this kind of behavior in my sleep, it is the individuals raging judge-mentality. especially by the women who are wearing designers who haven't died and the men who do not have trust funds and bad shoes. They are judging each other which is ridiculous because all who are in the same class of people should hold hands and support one another and not try to tear each other down.
I often skip my medication when going out to trashy clubs because the backwards grinding makes it easier to vomit my prosecco.
I often frequent trashy clubs, because as a critically acclaimed writer and winner of 14 erotic peace prizes issued by Kofi Annan and Bhutros Bhutros Gali at separate times, I like to find new material about how the bourgeouise of American society conduct themselves.
I. Am. Dis-gust-ed.
Its not so much that the dirty dancing and the making out make me ill, as I resort to this kind of behavior in my sleep, it is the individuals raging judge-mentality. especially by the women who are wearing designers who haven't died and the men who do not have trust funds and bad shoes. They are judging each other which is ridiculous because all who are in the same class of people should hold hands and support one another and not try to tear each other down.
Be a loyal moral friend? or have forbidden wild sex?
I consider myself a rather immoral racist politically incorrect rude slutty wildly inappropriate individual and have an uncanny ability to make social situations incredibly uncomfortable by bringing the the elephant into the room and putting a big glittery bow on him. Why? I like it when shit gets real.
However, when it comes to honoring and respecting my inner and outer circle's significant other's I don't reciprocate the obvious sexual tension between the glitter therapist and idiotboyfriendnumber14, why? Because it is beyond my realm of comprehension what kind of control she has on my social climbing abilities outside of Rodeo Drive and 5th Avenue and Hotel Ritz in Paris. If she sees me making out with her man in the bathroom, there is a strong possibility that her step uncle is the biggest club promoter in LONdon and my name could be wiped off the list faster than he comes from the quickie bathroom blowjob.
Can I be real for a moment? Women love it when their friends' boyfriends hit on them. Why? Good self-esteem booster, its hilarious, and of course you get the satisfaction affirmation that you have always known, you truly are better smarter prettier hotter more fun and have a richer dad than all of your friends.
The issue is however, while its hot when a friend's boyfriend buys you a drink, gets a little too close on the dance floor, or gets you a birthday gift and secretly leaves the price tag on, or even carries you out of the club when you have been roofied, you just CANT go there.
Why? because lets face it, most likely your girlfriend has a powerful inner circle of her own who could easily black list you from St Tropez's finest hotels or tell your boss that your own boyfriend has been doing some inside trading Gekko style. And there goes your second private plane and your 3rd set of vuitton luggage FML.
Dont go there, leave it alone, they will probably get divorced in a few weeks. And then you can plan your attack of the chill girl who comes over and watches sports and watches him play golf.
Seduce and Destroy, but play nice in the meantime, know your enemies, and always smile and deny everything.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Gentlemen, feeling bad? Cry me a river
Gentlemen, Since for some reason it has come to your attention that your youth meaning 55 and under should not be limited to one quote bitty, despite the fact that she nurtures, blows, listens to how deep you pretend to be, and perhaps acts like your personal short order cook. Whatever she is, your pseudo girlfriend, person who sleeps with you on the weekends who you drunk text, you decide its over because she acts desperate and whines a lot and once told you she kind of likes you.
If you are an ignorant egotistical frat star investor lax bro baseball musician law student completing your residency and either are gorgeous or have a ton of money or both, for whatever reason, naturally you are entitled to live out Aristotle's f bitches get money prophecy"
So, Gentlemen, what happens then? Well after about 6-10 weeks or so, you grow tired of the vagina, even if she has shaved her pubic hairs in your initials. And feel the need that her hot co worker-sorority sister- aquaintance who won the hamptons classic- bartender- 2nd cousin once removed- or boss's girlfriend suits your needs much more.
THEN most likely, especially if the women have been under my extensive training, you realize you want them back as no one will sit for hours watching ESPN, Bloomberg, Old School, or WWII movies and pretend to like them as much as she will. So you become freakishly depressed and need a higher dose of lithium and cocaine and ammonia mashed into one to get through the day, and realize that perhaps it was a mistake as she is a good lay and she looks phenom in photos to show off to your friends.
Gentlemen, Cry me a river build me a bridge and get over yourself. This is all your fault. If you hadn't been on the hunt for new Vagina and suffering from a high self esteem complex that you don't need to return phone calls to get blow jobs, but if you want her back buy something expensive along with a sexy weekend trip where your driver picks her up.
If you are an ignorant egotistical frat star investor lax bro baseball musician law student completing your residency and either are gorgeous or have a ton of money or both, for whatever reason, naturally you are entitled to live out Aristotle's f bitches get money prophecy"
So, Gentlemen, what happens then? Well after about 6-10 weeks or so, you grow tired of the vagina, even if she has shaved her pubic hairs in your initials. And feel the need that her hot co worker-sorority sister- aquaintance who won the hamptons classic- bartender- 2nd cousin once removed- or boss's girlfriend suits your needs much more.
THEN most likely, especially if the women have been under my extensive training, you realize you want them back as no one will sit for hours watching ESPN, Bloomberg, Old School, or WWII movies and pretend to like them as much as she will. So you become freakishly depressed and need a higher dose of lithium and cocaine and ammonia mashed into one to get through the day, and realize that perhaps it was a mistake as she is a good lay and she looks phenom in photos to show off to your friends.
Gentlemen, Cry me a river build me a bridge and get over yourself. This is all your fault. If you hadn't been on the hunt for new Vagina and suffering from a high self esteem complex that you don't need to return phone calls to get blow jobs, but if you want her back buy something expensive along with a sexy weekend trip where your driver picks her up.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
drinking my nailpolish remover
hobbies i dabble in
gold pedicures
drinking veuve in crystal goblets at 2 am/pm
booking tickets to mexico
stealing identities of liberals to register them as the GOP and take some money out to go to lunch at Fred's
thanks Davey Snitzerkrazensensteinbergbronze
sharpening morroccan knives
single dads republican cigar sailing society
nude photos and drawings
herbal homeopathic wicca
stealing Father's ties and lay them all over the floor and convince myself I got laid OR to classily hang myself
ironing my money
gold pedicures
drinking veuve in crystal goblets at 2 am/pm
booking tickets to mexico
stealing identities of liberals to register them as the GOP and take some money out to go to lunch at Fred's
thanks Davey Snitzerkrazensensteinbergbronze
sharpening morroccan knives
single dads republican cigar sailing society
nude photos and drawings
herbal homeopathic wicca
stealing Father's ties and lay them all over the floor and convince myself I got laid OR to classily hang myself
ironing my money
sociopathic narcissism
Whist Im not attempting to get fingered by a low tier analyst at Pink elephant, I dabble in the art of private investigation or less formally known as reading people's diaries. I have been known to sneak into people's pent house hotel rooms and unlock their secret microsoft word documents and copy them onto my disk as my own to later use for blackmail. a skill I picked up from Alias, which is what jennifer Garner's enemy used to do in order to blackmail people for nuclear weapons. Boss.
Why do I do this? Besides from the fact that I am borderline sociopath like Angelina's character in Girl Interrupted minus the gross highlights and the lack of sympathy for stealing money from a dead friend's body. I actually cried when I did that because I knew it was a bit off, but I needed taxi money to get home so you would have done the same.
I am also a genuinely rude and nosy person who finds it, like voting or skipping taxes, within my right right to know the deepest darkest most disgusting secrets that my contemporary socialites and male socialites are hiding.
Ipso facto, like sleeping with a guy who jack hammers you or a girl who just lays there, what I find is an an astronomical letdown similar to those secrets hidden in the diaries.
Most of what I find are a series of food diaries, long laments about how they cant quit cocaine because of their father's affair,or hatred of exes and how they wish them long bloody deaths, confessions of shoplifting at trashy stores as they were too humiliated to have BeBe end up on the visa bill.
I am rather bored by these tales.
Do let me know if you find a good diary entry.
Why do I do this? Besides from the fact that I am borderline sociopath like Angelina's character in Girl Interrupted minus the gross highlights and the lack of sympathy for stealing money from a dead friend's body. I actually cried when I did that because I knew it was a bit off, but I needed taxi money to get home so you would have done the same.
I am also a genuinely rude and nosy person who finds it, like voting or skipping taxes, within my right right to know the deepest darkest most disgusting secrets that my contemporary socialites and male socialites are hiding.
Ipso facto, like sleeping with a guy who jack hammers you or a girl who just lays there, what I find is an an astronomical letdown similar to those secrets hidden in the diaries.
Most of what I find are a series of food diaries, long laments about how they cant quit cocaine because of their father's affair,or hatred of exes and how they wish them long bloody deaths, confessions of shoplifting at trashy stores as they were too humiliated to have BeBe end up on the visa bill.
I am rather bored by these tales.
Do let me know if you find a good diary entry.
20 something hundred dollar bill life crisis? blame teen movies
All 20 somethings at this juncture were children of the early 90's. Quick history reminder 90's:
A sort of continuation of we didnt (mean to) start the fire
democrats in office, columbine, kuwait, diet pills, ross and rachel, aol, limited too, genie in a bottle and lack of tweeting we didnt (mean to) start the fire
It was arguably one of the rougher decades to grow up in, which is why the current 20 somethings are lost and confused and heavily medicated, our parents were the baby boomers and we are the generation LAzY RIcH Kid internet gurus : hire Someone to tie my shoes dot com.
But alas fear not, this is not our fault. Its obviously parents' fault but it is also the fault of exec studios trying to make money off of the greatest oxymoron: Fabulous Teenage dom
as young children we had the fantasized idea of teenage years and early adulthood, from never been kissed to shes all that to space jam, to 10 things I hate about you cruel intentions american pie, bring it on and dead poets society. Where were the awkward condoms? the blackouts? the vomit? the blood? the slashing wrists? and all the homework our tutors did?
we were under the false illusion that teenage dom would bring great clothes, popularity, no curfews, lots of booze, and our only problems would be concerning "I like my sketchers but I love my prada backpack"We believed that we too would have closets like Cher and become prom kings and queens whilst matriculating ivy league schools and driving fast cars with Reese witherspoon
As we know this did not happen, and most of the over indulged under emotionally nourished Generation Lazy Rich Kid became horrifically disillusioned because we were lied to about the future nearly over and over again. Our teenage years were a little less Clueless and a little more Sixth Sense. I do not know about you but the late versace and mcqueen's ghost of christmas past often greet me for midnight tea. (and a)
We were disillusioned and weary of the future because everything we thought we were going to have at 16, we didnt, so as we attempt to climb the social ladder to get to the top of where we were supposed to be, the prom king and queen, in the laziest way possible as we are so incredibly traumatized by the fact that our high school existences did not result in a romantic virgnity loss but a rather painful drunken break age by someone who's family is not on the forbes list and there was no craig david playing.
A sort of continuation of we didnt (mean to) start the fire
democrats in office, columbine, kuwait, diet pills, ross and rachel, aol, limited too, genie in a bottle and lack of tweeting we didnt (mean to) start the fire
It was arguably one of the rougher decades to grow up in, which is why the current 20 somethings are lost and confused and heavily medicated, our parents were the baby boomers and we are the generation LAzY RIcH Kid internet gurus : hire Someone to tie my shoes dot com.
But alas fear not, this is not our fault. Its obviously parents' fault but it is also the fault of exec studios trying to make money off of the greatest oxymoron: Fabulous Teenage dom
as young children we had the fantasized idea of teenage years and early adulthood, from never been kissed to shes all that to space jam, to 10 things I hate about you cruel intentions american pie, bring it on and dead poets society. Where were the awkward condoms? the blackouts? the vomit? the blood? the slashing wrists? and all the homework our tutors did?
we were under the false illusion that teenage dom would bring great clothes, popularity, no curfews, lots of booze, and our only problems would be concerning "I like my sketchers but I love my prada backpack"We believed that we too would have closets like Cher and become prom kings and queens whilst matriculating ivy league schools and driving fast cars with Reese witherspoon
As we know this did not happen, and most of the over indulged under emotionally nourished Generation Lazy Rich Kid became horrifically disillusioned because we were lied to about the future nearly over and over again. Our teenage years were a little less Clueless and a little more Sixth Sense. I do not know about you but the late versace and mcqueen's ghost of christmas past often greet me for midnight tea. (and a)
We were disillusioned and weary of the future because everything we thought we were going to have at 16, we didnt, so as we attempt to climb the social ladder to get to the top of where we were supposed to be, the prom king and queen, in the laziest way possible as we are so incredibly traumatized by the fact that our high school existences did not result in a romantic virgnity loss but a rather painful drunken break age by someone who's family is not on the forbes list and there was no craig david playing.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sex and Investors
I wore the perfect xanax shaded color dress on my date with renowned online social media developer, which really means he spent all his trust fund money on maxim and bongs, hookers and std medication and his hiding out in SouthHampton, so with what he has left he built a website and attempts to attract and I quote elite models to showcase their work to get noticed by agents.
I should have taken my own advice and thrown my Tyku vodka in his face when he asked if I ever considered ass cheek implants and whether or not he could work at Father's office. But I didnt as I am a lady of utmost composure. I told him that if he invests in a new personality and a visit to a dentist to the stars to fix his british teeth, and work on his tennis game than perhaps he would be qualified for investment banking.
I went down on him really because I was bored but mostly because my friends were not on g chat, I had already skimmed the economist picking up choice explanations for my next cocktail party, and have seen the entire season of modern family 6 times and made a series of GILT purchases.
When he suggested sex I didnt say anything for several reasons.
1. So that if I want to steal his online media company I can sue him for rape as I have cameras in all rooms of my pied a terre and my second cousin was a bridesmaid OJ Simpson's lawyer's wedding
2. My ambien had kicked in and I thought it would be hilarious if I fell asleep
3. I forgot to do my warrior 2 poses so this could constitute as a half decent ab workout namaste
I should have taken my own advice and thrown my Tyku vodka in his face when he asked if I ever considered ass cheek implants and whether or not he could work at Father's office. But I didnt as I am a lady of utmost composure. I told him that if he invests in a new personality and a visit to a dentist to the stars to fix his british teeth, and work on his tennis game than perhaps he would be qualified for investment banking.
I went down on him really because I was bored but mostly because my friends were not on g chat, I had already skimmed the economist picking up choice explanations for my next cocktail party, and have seen the entire season of modern family 6 times and made a series of GILT purchases.
When he suggested sex I didnt say anything for several reasons.
1. So that if I want to steal his online media company I can sue him for rape as I have cameras in all rooms of my pied a terre and my second cousin was a bridesmaid OJ Simpson's lawyer's wedding
2. My ambien had kicked in and I thought it would be hilarious if I fell asleep
3. I forgot to do my warrior 2 poses so this could constitute as a half decent ab workout namaste
Cover letter: Im great heres why you are great here's why lets get it on
Dear Sir,
Im fabulous
You are fabulous
I have done fabulous things because I ask Mother and Father and dear Boyfriend who's father invented the stapler to make phone calls.
I am really skilled at tweeting, dressing well when its picked out for me, ordering caviar sushi for lunch, and writing things down in appointment books.
I majored in history of myself and put on one act improv plays on campus.
Most Sincerely to the point where I could make it weird (sexually)
Im fabulous
You are fabulous
I have done fabulous things because I ask Mother and Father and dear Boyfriend who's father invented the stapler to make phone calls.
I am really skilled at tweeting, dressing well when its picked out for me, ordering caviar sushi for lunch, and writing things down in appointment books.
I majored in history of myself and put on one act improv plays on campus.
Most Sincerely to the point where I could make it weird (sexually)
Smoking a blunt with Shakespeare
There are more than 24 carats of theories about arguably the most significant playwright in the realm of all socialites, Shakespeare, which is why I present the theory of Shakespeare as the town hash dealer. Now I may have an advantage in this particular topic as I in a past life was a Renaissance Hooker and Billy was among one of my favorite clients as he always orgasmed in sonnets. Shakespeare is also great to blog about because it shows what a cultured well read summarizer of cliff notes I am highlighted with my ability to transform into other era's.
Other inkling of his classification as a serious dabbler in illegal substances are that he was an artist, experimented with his sexuality, hated his parents, and was clinically depressed, all signs point to a serious drug user.
Some of his most famous plays have underlying messages of drug use that is not discussed in a typical 11th grade Shakespeare studies class because themes such as betrayal, lust, loyalty and family unfortunately have precedence.
Romeo and Juliet: Party scene where Romeo first meets Juliet at the Capulet House. Baz luhrman's interpretation of this film, while insulting to Billy as Juliet would not have been Claire Danes but more like Jwow when she was a virgin showed a party scene that looked nothing short of a classy underground rave scene
Macbeth: the witches Double double toil and trouble? The three witches of the millenium are probably Lindsay Britney and Paris.
A midsummer's night dream: if four lovers in the woods seeing fairies isnt a trip than I do not know what is. Angelina Brad Jennifer and a weird mix of vince vaughn john mayer and gerald butler
Hamlet: to be or not to be (stoned) that is the question A modern day guy in a band who has mommy issues.
Other inkling of his classification as a serious dabbler in illegal substances are that he was an artist, experimented with his sexuality, hated his parents, and was clinically depressed, all signs point to a serious drug user.
Some of his most famous plays have underlying messages of drug use that is not discussed in a typical 11th grade Shakespeare studies class because themes such as betrayal, lust, loyalty and family unfortunately have precedence.
Romeo and Juliet: Party scene where Romeo first meets Juliet at the Capulet House. Baz luhrman's interpretation of this film, while insulting to Billy as Juliet would not have been Claire Danes but more like Jwow when she was a virgin showed a party scene that looked nothing short of a classy underground rave scene
Macbeth: the witches Double double toil and trouble? The three witches of the millenium are probably Lindsay Britney and Paris.
A midsummer's night dream: if four lovers in the woods seeing fairies isnt a trip than I do not know what is. Angelina Brad Jennifer and a weird mix of vince vaughn john mayer and gerald butler
Hamlet: to be or not to be (stoned) that is the question A modern day guy in a band who has mommy issues.
wikipedia prozac
Wikipedia is like the prozac of the internet, we all use it but no one admits to it because frankly its trashy and embarrassing. However, both work, so its time me and all social climbers get off to their high horse and accept wikipedia.
Weve all been wikipedia-ing secretly at cocktail parties for generations when the topic of the spanish inquisition comes up or the gods in hinduism enter a conversation and the only thing you can think of are elephants having sex.
Nothing Screams Common Person (CP) like...
my dear lawyer banker movie star red haired waifish gorgeous brilliant hilarious member of my inner circle introduced me to my new top Acronym the CP
Here are a few edgewise examples of these
tweeting about upgrades to first class and mentioning of several playboy models next to you
bragging about how you were best friends with Mark Zuckerberg and introduced him to shrooms
using the business center at a hotel (wheres your macbook or briefcase)
getting your makeup done at department stores to try it out and worse if you buy it after
Not being intimately familiar with several people who run multi milly charities
you cant get a reservation at the 4 seasons
you dont have a shrink because you are "a healthy well adjusted individual"
you take pride in dating japs
you blog about investments and are under 25 (who are you kidding, you "borrowed" all that stuff of the 2008 report of your dads company)
you get standing seats at fashion week and sit in the front row of broadway shows
you thought CATS was outstanding
you do not know the difference between private jets, teterboro, trade winds, and the CONcorde RIP
Sorority Girl Resurrected like Jesus at Easter
I have talked incessantly about how much I am not a sorority girl, and attempting to become one nearly rendered me incapable of using my credit card.
but as the great Groucho Marx once said, I would never join a club that would have me in it. Now I see what he means as I have been invited to an elite exclusive top notch creme da la creme social climbing opportunity of the year, yet am not officially a member. Sort of like in the U.N where the General Assembly is cool, but it is not a member of the security council and cannot declare that another country has WMD's (wet yet minor detailings)
Now of course my invitation was gleaned through means of deceit manipulation and( false) promises of employment by Mother, So for one night this opportunity will not only lend me the chance to mix and mingle with rich individuals but will also let me take a break of my typical fantasy land that I live in to an even deeper fantasy land into the lives of sorority women. I have both a gentleman and a woman as a date of whom I have the deepest admiration for, the notion of the triple date is very hip as bisexuality becomes more and more prevalent in my world at least today. this member of SEX (sigma epsilon chi) has flipped over a sandy timer like in those of candy land and life board game and set it to the amount of time till the party. See you there
but as the great Groucho Marx once said, I would never join a club that would have me in it. Now I see what he means as I have been invited to an elite exclusive top notch creme da la creme social climbing opportunity of the year, yet am not officially a member. Sort of like in the U.N where the General Assembly is cool, but it is not a member of the security council and cannot declare that another country has WMD's (wet yet minor detailings)
Now of course my invitation was gleaned through means of deceit manipulation and( false) promises of employment by Mother, So for one night this opportunity will not only lend me the chance to mix and mingle with rich individuals but will also let me take a break of my typical fantasy land that I live in to an even deeper fantasy land into the lives of sorority women. I have both a gentleman and a woman as a date of whom I have the deepest admiration for, the notion of the triple date is very hip as bisexuality becomes more and more prevalent in my world at least today. this member of SEX (sigma epsilon chi) has flipped over a sandy timer like in those of candy land and life board game and set it to the amount of time till the party. See you there
Forgiveness- see the 4th act of the marriage of figaro
Father came for a pleasant visit this past weekend. He is most definitely my best guy friend as I can always rely on him for his superb wine expertise, my allowance, great sex advice, and of course quality life lessons gleaned from the opera.
Whilst I am a frequent opera go er for the sheer purpose of tweeting about it to show the rest of the world what a classy glamourous sophisticate I am, even though I got brown out at Marquee trying to makeout with the janitor.
I told Father how much I hated FratStar#17 for not calling me back or asking me to be in a facebook relationship after we kissed and talked about family.
He said, that in the 4th act of the marriage of Figaro, the count, who has been cheating his wife, asks for forgiveness, and because the countess is better, hotter, classier and more glittery than the count forgives him and they party.
party on
Whilst I am a frequent opera go er for the sheer purpose of tweeting about it to show the rest of the world what a classy glamourous sophisticate I am, even though I got brown out at Marquee trying to makeout with the janitor.
I told Father how much I hated FratStar#17 for not calling me back or asking me to be in a facebook relationship after we kissed and talked about family.
He said, that in the 4th act of the marriage of Figaro, the count, who has been cheating his wife, asks for forgiveness, and because the countess is better, hotter, classier and more glittery than the count forgives him and they party.
party on
therapeutic delay and ps im now italian
the fact is as a glitter therapist, I am not apt in the skill of making websites. so with a team of customer service asians I tried to build a new more glittery blog that failed because it was not chaotic enough.
I needed some time to think about changing formats to a new website and the fact is, my fellow glittery ragazzi, (children in italian) I live for this format, I live for glitter blogging, it is my soul, my inner core, and the thought of tearing myself away from this sent me into full blown ghonnorea and post partum.
So after careful reflection, im back and ready to throw down if you pay for it and bring sparklers. ciao
I needed some time to think about changing formats to a new website and the fact is, my fellow glittery ragazzi, (children in italian) I live for this format, I live for glitter blogging, it is my soul, my inner core, and the thought of tearing myself away from this sent me into full blown ghonnorea and post partum.
So after careful reflection, im back and ready to throw down if you pay for it and bring sparklers. ciao
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Runners Magazine
A certain fabulous blonde liberal princess with whom I matriculate with on the regs, is a runner, a quality skill to have when running from men with bad shoes and trans fats and jappy accents.
In order to keep up with the Jones' or in this case the royalty, as I have many competitors to the seat of princess' BFF, I decided to dabble in Runners Magazine, and whilst my reading levels are that of a P.H.D level anthro-socio-psyco-pologist, I put my literary skills aside for the sake of social climbing and my desire to secure my seat.
In the question answer section of this mag, I not kid you, someone asked if they should put vudka in their water bottles whilst running on a winter's eve to keep it from Freezing.
Whoever you are.. please contact me, I think we will be very dear friends in more ways than one.
And as for my fabulous blonde liberal princess socialite, perhaps I will read this magazine more as it is filled with choice individuals fit for club hopping at tables with. I guess blondes do have more fun.
In order to keep up with the Jones' or in this case the royalty, as I have many competitors to the seat of princess' BFF, I decided to dabble in Runners Magazine, and whilst my reading levels are that of a P.H.D level anthro-socio-psyco-pologist, I put my literary skills aside for the sake of social climbing and my desire to secure my seat.
In the question answer section of this mag, I not kid you, someone asked if they should put vudka in their water bottles whilst running on a winter's eve to keep it from Freezing.
Whoever you are.. please contact me, I think we will be very dear friends in more ways than one.
And as for my fabulous blonde liberal princess socialite, perhaps I will read this magazine more as it is filled with choice individuals fit for club hopping at tables with. I guess blondes do have more fun.
Princess Percocet: a night in the life and still holding a grudge
I can divide the individuals with whom I matriculate with on a regular basis into a series of groups, those who get me great reservations, those who can break into safes, and those whom I want to throw my martini at on the grounds that its an old dramatic cliche and they are goddamn annoying.
I would like to say that my issues are that I have a promiscuous problem and do a lot of illegal drugs, but sadly and less dramatically, this isnt so, my damaged existence really exists within the confines of my own imagination which is where group one comes in. WE can go to a fabulous restaurant have the maitre D, call him by his first name and talk about my damaged childhood and inability find a deli below 14th street that takes amex.
Group 2 comes in when I am at a rawther boring mansion party with various has beens of the society pages and we can venture downstairs to see what they consider most valuable. It is almost always like sex with a friend's signif oth, huge buildup and left with feelings of disappointment and confusion of why they liked them so much in the first place as the sex was not that valuable.
Usually the safe contains nothing more than old letters from FDR passed down from generations and stale cocaine. Insert camera iphone for future black(diamond)mailing purposes
Group 3 usually shows up at either events whether it be at a restaurant where the waiting list is longer than the line for plan B after saturday night in a hick town or at an event wearing a designer still alive who slept with my middle school boyfriend and didnt wait for me to go into the club or didnt invite me to his bar mitzvah Insert drink being thrown at them. Some call that classless and in poor taste. It probably is, but it sure makes for a fantastic photo op and a great conversation over next day's brunch with gluten free gourmet muffins and mimosas. no one likes a boring party.
stay medicated xx
I would like to say that my issues are that I have a promiscuous problem and do a lot of illegal drugs, but sadly and less dramatically, this isnt so, my damaged existence really exists within the confines of my own imagination which is where group one comes in. WE can go to a fabulous restaurant have the maitre D, call him by his first name and talk about my damaged childhood and inability find a deli below 14th street that takes amex.
Group 2 comes in when I am at a rawther boring mansion party with various has beens of the society pages and we can venture downstairs to see what they consider most valuable. It is almost always like sex with a friend's signif oth, huge buildup and left with feelings of disappointment and confusion of why they liked them so much in the first place as the sex was not that valuable.
Usually the safe contains nothing more than old letters from FDR passed down from generations and stale cocaine. Insert camera iphone for future black(diamond)mailing purposes
Group 3 usually shows up at either events whether it be at a restaurant where the waiting list is longer than the line for plan B after saturday night in a hick town or at an event wearing a designer still alive who slept with my middle school boyfriend and didnt wait for me to go into the club or didnt invite me to his bar mitzvah Insert drink being thrown at them. Some call that classless and in poor taste. It probably is, but it sure makes for a fantastic photo op and a great conversation over next day's brunch with gluten free gourmet muffins and mimosas. no one likes a boring party.
stay medicated xx
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