In elementary school during a particular stressful family breakfast that tall skinny black live in maid made, and who was later fired for forgetting to buy egg beaters and bananas, I was thankful as I thought she had serious attitude issues and like them all..loved sister more than me
Father proceeded to give out our allowance and then tax us on it in the hope that we become members of the GOP. It was hard out there for a baby pimp like yours truly to survive in his tax bracket on my weekly salary rendering me incapable of spice girl lollipops after school, so thanks a lot Billy Clint
Mother did not participate in family breakfast as she does not like breakfast nor is she a platinum member of the GOP. The former I forgive, the latter I do not, as father's diabolical allowance manipulation proved successful to yours truly. Romney 2012 #lovemygunandmymoney
I had recently heard the term "anal sex" at my private all girls (mental) institution discussed by the older girls in the locker room. What is anal sex I asked?
As I smashed my corn muffin onto the table, as I preferred to eat my muffins this way, a sort of symbol of the anger and deep psychotic bi polar manic alcoholic lexapro welbutrin prozac dependent depression that was to come in my teen years, and also because I thought it was funny.
I waited his reply as Brother and Sister's jaw dropped in horror at the combination of the destruction of my breakfast and my question .
Father took a long gulp of organic orange juice mixed with herbal greens that just looking at would induce bulimia but he swears that it this concoction is why he has never been sick since the spring of '78
and responded
Its sex with the tush..
Thanks father, now its rooned
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Glitter therapy identity theft part 1 Stealing from a bored wannabe socialite is a suicide mission
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Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Reading List
I read sometimes when I come home early as the scene was too bridge and tunnel or I confessed my love to someone who I hooked up with twice and it was not mutual, or when Im erotically charged but my maid cant find my vibrator
I like to improve my vocabulary and escape into another world that doesn't involve an acid trip: Most of these can be found on Amazon
These books have been really moving and connected to a part of my soul I didnt know existed:
JESUS, Career Counselor: How to Find (and Keep) Your Perfect Work by Laurie Beth Jones
Ten Things Women Do To Screw Up A Man's Life: How Women Manipulate and Exploit Men by Ken Barnes
Control Freaks: 7 Ways Liberals Plan to Ruin Your Life by Terence P. Jeffrey
Alls Well That ends Well: William Shakespeare
Oral Sex He'll Never Forget: 52 Positions and Techniques to Blow your Man away By Sonia Borg
How to Turn your Ex Boyfriend into a Toad: and other Spells for Love, Wealth, Beauty and Revenge by Athena Starwoman
Being a Drug Addict By James Craig
Working the Street: What You Need to Know About Life on Wall Streetby Erik Banks
I like to improve my vocabulary and escape into another world that doesn't involve an acid trip: Most of these can be found on Amazon
These books have been really moving and connected to a part of my soul I didnt know existed:
JESUS, Career Counselor: How to Find (and Keep) Your Perfect Work by Laurie Beth Jones
Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown
Ten Things Women Do To Screw Up A Man's Life: How Women Manipulate and Exploit Men by Ken Barnes
Control Freaks: 7 Ways Liberals Plan to Ruin Your Life by Terence P. Jeffrey
Alls Well That ends Well: William Shakespeare
Oral Sex He'll Never Forget: 52 Positions and Techniques to Blow your Man away By Sonia Borg
How to Turn your Ex Boyfriend into a Toad: and other Spells for Love, Wealth, Beauty and Revenge by Athena Starwoman
Being a Drug Addict By James Craig
Working the Street: What You Need to Know About Life on Wall Streetby Erik Banks
Yes, that was a lie
I will pay you back later
I do not read your bbms when you are asleep
I dont watch porn
Im fairly well read, especially in Latin
I never innocently flirt with your boyfriend via facebook chat
I was a child runway model in Milano
I most definitely did not use your razor or deodorant
I dont care that we went to Chili's
I can explain to you the war in Iraq along with Obamacare and the reasons behind the Cold War
2x = 4 is very easy
I am very coordinated and excellent and reading maps and never get lost
I personally do not think I am that funny and am not a big fan of myself, in fact Im quite modest and do not think I am that big of a deal.
I do not read your bbms when you are asleep
I dont watch porn
Im fairly well read, especially in Latin
I never innocently flirt with your boyfriend via facebook chat
I was a child runway model in Milano
I most definitely did not use your razor or deodorant
I dont care that we went to Chili's
I can explain to you the war in Iraq along with Obamacare and the reasons behind the Cold War
2x = 4 is very easy
I am very coordinated and excellent and reading maps and never get lost
I personally do not think I am that funny and am not a big fan of myself, in fact Im quite modest and do not think I am that big of a deal.
Bar Chat Etiquette a series of DONTS brought to you by Glitter Therapy
Good manners are more important that the fake global warming crisis. I pride myself on my impeccable manners given to me by parents who would be more offended if I didn't say please and thank you than if I went into a career of artistic euro nude modeling with selling pot on the side.
This is our generation: twitter, casual blow jobs, the jersey shore, and being treated as low tier terrorists at La Guardia. Love it or hate it this is the world we live in but it has produced some seriously ill mannered individuals especially at the Bars. So put your cell phone away, buy me a cocktail, stop bragging about your stock portfolio and you will most definitely get some.
Girls
DONT: complain of your exhaustion when it is clear your girlfriend is about to get fingered by a waspy trust fund baby with a house in Montauk and an affinity for cigars and hookers. He may have friends or he may realize you are the better version of her. Stay awhile.
DONT: stare into your phone and text, you look stupid, friendless and poor especially if it is not an Iphone 5. Pretend you do not have a phone and focus on getting drunker and meeting someone who is of your race and shares your father's tax bracket.
DONT: order shots or beer: makes you fat and stupid, reeks of impurely bred unclassy unfeminine despicably easy trashiness. Order the champagne pinot grigio or vodka soda gin and tonic redbull martini and get over yourself
DONT: leave a conversation to go to the bathroom. Get passed the small talk. Get weird. Ask the person you are talking to about his past travel experiences, his goals in life, if he still talks to his camp friends, what sports teams he roots for and you can say O same, my Uncle is from there thats why. After each person you talk to you should be able to call them a friend and casually have some dirt on them.
DONT: bother with guys who touch you and call you babe who do not buy you drinks. Once he buys you a drink, allow for casual and or light grinding and do not sleep with him unless he is a Rockefeller.
Gentlemen: No quotes from movies, no discussion about weed, no sneakers, no backwards caps, no gay or racial slurs unless its in context and its funny and no talk about how its so awesome to never ever have a girlfriend.
DON'T: Travel in packs with your "bro's" You look like a homosexual. Once you arrive together disperse yourself and talk to women, buy them drinks, tell them they are pretty, ask them about their dogs. Show them a picture of your dog. (I do not mean penis, unless she asks)
DON'T: dress poor, and this includes shoes and type of cigarettes, and never ever order bottom shelf liquor.
DON'T: ignore women that you have hooked up with. Look her in the face and say hello. Yes, she is an ugly, prude, liberal,with acne and a bad nose job who may or may not have slept with her cousin and you were on shrooms, but Don't make her feel worse, acknowledge her presence and who knows, her uncle may just be the CEO at Goldman.
DON'T: make conversation about lack of money, lack of ability to dance, or any negative comments about family members. You dont need to prove that you are a poor uncoordinated asshole.
DON'T try to fingerbang unless you know her political persuasion, her religion, and a tv show she likes. You do not want her to fall asleep at your pied a terre and having nothing to discuss whilst your maid makes belgian waffles in the morning.
Im a mess at bars
SO there was a table of young rich individuals with whom I matriculate on the regs with, and I was really there because I was attempting to show one of the guys how little I care about him, so naturally I follow his every move and text all of his friends to find out with whom is grinding with.
In any event, I showed up at the bar and there were no seats so I thought it would be fine to sit on a bucket and when I turned it over to sit on it, it was full of dirty water that spilled over everyone's nike's and last year's Jimmy Choo's.
Clearly God is telling me something, stalking doesn't work as you end up making a fool of yourself and spill water everywhere. Good thing I was at a bar and could order several Gin and tonics dissolved with xanax and then call my lawyer lest their be any potential lawsuits for broken nosejobs on the spilt water.
In any event, I showed up at the bar and there were no seats so I thought it would be fine to sit on a bucket and when I turned it over to sit on it, it was full of dirty water that spilled over everyone's nike's and last year's Jimmy Choo's.
Clearly God is telling me something, stalking doesn't work as you end up making a fool of yourself and spill water everywhere. Good thing I was at a bar and could order several Gin and tonics dissolved with xanax and then call my lawyer lest their be any potential lawsuits for broken nosejobs on the spilt water.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Dont you hate it when
Your Trust Fund is less than your roommate's
You have your period but want to go shopping tomorrow with boyfriends credit card so cannot have sex
you queef
people have their phones out during dinner, Im sorry but who invited the trashy suburban jap with a limited vocabulary and middle class manners?
he choked you too hard during sex and now the mood is over
no one comments on your facebook photos
people talk about money problems, My next book is going to be called, Solve all of your problems by sleeping with your landlord and selling pot to your state senator
people ask you for Klonopin (sorry, Im all out..NOT) unless of course you can get me 150 twitter followers, a mention on page 6, and an invitation to the Vanity Fair party.
You've given a rock star grade A creme de la creme blow job for 20 minutes and he has not come
you start writing a soft core erotic porn novel and cant figure out how it ends
your manicurist is not asian or polish
they wont let your dogs into Ralph Lauren
your driver makes you late and then tries to make conversation
people tell you they are on a diet
Racism is used offensively
he comes too quickly and the maid doesn't work tomorrow
Karaoke Bars and the Troubled American Youth
This may come as an electric shock from the 60's, but there is nothing I love more than getting up on stage and singing for people who may want to have sex with me.
I spent most of my therapy sessions preforming renditions of Les Miserables "On My Own" Yet, my penchant for gin and xanax and tasti delite developed at an early age and drastically affected my vocal chords rendering me incapable of being a child broadway popstar sensation turned alcoholic Gold Digging Socialite with an E True Hollywood Story
Alas, whilst matriculating in a third world country, with one of my dearest friends, a skinny euro looking west coast well dressed brunette who is sophisticated without being ostentatious and always compliments my glitter masterpieces, We don't necessarily run in the same circle, as she is not as partial to throwing herself to gentlemen with yachts and trust funds on a daily basis, and she most likely does not have a count down chart for her parent's death when she receives her money for being their pure flesh and blood.
We found ourselves among our own inner circles and exchanged mutual disapproval that such an establishment does not serve pinot grigio or take american express and caters to the troubled American youth without 2nd homes, drivers, passports, and a developed opinion of the surrealist art movement.
They only serve beer and wine coolers which I haven't dabbled in since the Clinton Administration
We were there because it is the only place in the third world that stays open past two that serves alcohol and leads to potential upper class hooking up, but we both agreed that I preformed a fabulous rendition of Usher's Let it Burn.
MIA had it right: ALL I wanna do is kill you and take your money
The triste fact about meeting potential hedgefund slash lawyer's with violent tendencies and an amusing obsession with drinking hard liquor and snorting cocaine,
is that part of my game is telling them I am a writer. This gives off the impression that I am interesting, different, well travelled, come from a good family, and will not make more money than you thereby not posing a threat to your masculine macho breadwinning existence that makes up for your inability to get it up post age 45.
However, when it doesn't go according to plan and they realize that my bulimic pill popping frigid borderline personality disorders are not something they want to get themselves mixed up in, as they are just looking for a quick quote hit it and quit it sans condom thank you YAZ, then I am not able to write about they're premature ejaculation, their bathrooms without bidets which scream of lower middle class, and the fact that they have no idea how to use hand cuffs or make a proper belgian waffle in the morning. As they may read that I made fun at their oddly shaped ball sac or lack of a butler, and if I am ever bored enough to get fingered by a gentleman who will at least tell me Im pretty and read me a story than I cant take my chances and get into specifics and write about it the next day.
This poses a significant but not really valuable question... Should I not tell people about my soul Glitter Therapy and wait for them to discover it on their own via Foxnews?
But what on earth would I talk about besides my Gift of the written dirty word? My toxic child? My thoughts on Proust? My vagina?
is that part of my game is telling them I am a writer. This gives off the impression that I am interesting, different, well travelled, come from a good family, and will not make more money than you thereby not posing a threat to your masculine macho breadwinning existence that makes up for your inability to get it up post age 45.
However, when it doesn't go according to plan and they realize that my bulimic pill popping frigid borderline personality disorders are not something they want to get themselves mixed up in, as they are just looking for a quick quote hit it and quit it sans condom thank you YAZ, then I am not able to write about they're premature ejaculation, their bathrooms without bidets which scream of lower middle class, and the fact that they have no idea how to use hand cuffs or make a proper belgian waffle in the morning. As they may read that I made fun at their oddly shaped ball sac or lack of a butler, and if I am ever bored enough to get fingered by a gentleman who will at least tell me Im pretty and read me a story than I cant take my chances and get into specifics and write about it the next day.
This poses a significant but not really valuable question... Should I not tell people about my soul Glitter Therapy and wait for them to discover it on their own via Foxnews?
But what on earth would I talk about besides my Gift of the written dirty word? My toxic child? My thoughts on Proust? My vagina?
Post University Rock Star Lifestyle: I Freelance at the Financial Times
Why yes, most potential employees are deeply throughly erotically impressed with my long list of internships that I did not do anything at, heads of clubs that I have made up such as the National Young Daughters of Aristotle Association, where we essentially drink veuve clicquot and read Maxim and of course my impossibly low GPA that I have doctored as I see fit.
Do I know what microsoft word is? No
Do I know what Excel is? Absolutely not
Do I know how to write a press release, do paralegal stuff interior decorate cook bake build things use a computer or make spread sheets? Considering that I cant tell the oven from the cabinet, my inclination would be a no.
My skills include making dinner reservations and stringing together words that sound sophisticated, my discussion of my vast overindulged european holiday excursions, telling people I read the Economist and my ability to mix my medications
but in order to be "wife material" I need to have pretended that I have worked for at least a little while before I settle down to raise my stepchildren.Women who at least do not pretend to have a career are stupid.
The Real Reason of my future employment is due to the following that include but are not limited too
My Father's client list
the fact that I use to give head to H.R at Chanel before he came out in the 90's
the blackmail that I have on most of the CEO's who's coke dealers I frequently socialize
my strength in answering the phone and looking busy
my vast knowledge of social media I.E stealing people's witty tweets.
Do I know what microsoft word is? No
Do I know what Excel is? Absolutely not
Do I know how to write a press release, do paralegal stuff interior decorate cook bake build things use a computer or make spread sheets? Considering that I cant tell the oven from the cabinet, my inclination would be a no.
My skills include making dinner reservations and stringing together words that sound sophisticated, my discussion of my vast overindulged european holiday excursions, telling people I read the Economist and my ability to mix my medications
but in order to be "wife material" I need to have pretended that I have worked for at least a little while before I settle down to raise my stepchildren.Women who at least do not pretend to have a career are stupid.
The Real Reason of my future employment is due to the following that include but are not limited too
My Father's client list
the fact that I use to give head to H.R at Chanel before he came out in the 90's
the blackmail that I have on most of the CEO's who's coke dealers I frequently socialize
my strength in answering the phone and looking busy
my vast knowledge of social media I.E stealing people's witty tweets.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
It was on my mind
Whilst at the club dry humping first year analyst and sparklers are popping out of champagne bottles and house techno music is playing that everyone pretends will not give them seizures and their children tourettes in the next gen, I often picture my 80 year old piano teacher and wonder whether she would be amused by my gratuitous foreplay and copious amounts of champagne and future cum running down my throat soon to be vomited.
Natasha Leggero
Natasha Leggero is a glitter genius. Why? She is a hot comedian who supports the pro diamond movement and her album on itunes is called cokemoney.
This woman is my kindred spirit. Sooner or later, she will join my inner circle, hopefully she will provide quality intellectual insight.
This woman is my kindred spirit. Sooner or later, she will join my inner circle, hopefully she will provide quality intellectual insight.
Pre 420 Prep: Why get high when you can pour vodka down the mailshoot?
So my fellow pill popping hotel bar youth attending bulimic wannabe social climbing self mutilating alcoholic job less living off of trust fund yet wearing polo and nantucket red friends, I assume you are planning on quote lighting up a doobie and watching porn in order to commemorate the birth of the critically acclaimed Nazi leader Adolph.
Marijuana makes you fatter, lazier, stupider, uglier, and less cool than you already are. But if you are not one to follow rules and instead jam to Bob Marley and pretend that Global Warming is real whilst giving your money away to the homeless I suppose that is your prerogative as long as you stay rich and skinny.
I mean who am I to judge in all honesty? Maybe its the fact that I threaten to blacklist you from clubs that scares you. But really, power is a state of mind. Look at Obama.
But those looking for an alternative 420 why not join me in the following activities
chainsmoking skinny cigarettes in the jacuzzi
lighting my retainer on fire and claiming insurance
playing with the security guards at la guardia to see how many pocket knives I can fit into my bra
learning the opera Aida
gathering my friends to do a remake of Y Tu Mama Tambien
refusing to speak in english
requesting a happy ending after my deep tissue
refilling my prescriptions
taking pictures of fat people at the gym for my new web design project
swapping the lithium and accutane bottles at my internship at the pharmacy
sending gay porn subscriptions to every low tier JP Morgan Banker that didnt call me back or buy more than 1 bottle
Happy 420.
Marijuana makes you fatter, lazier, stupider, uglier, and less cool than you already are. But if you are not one to follow rules and instead jam to Bob Marley and pretend that Global Warming is real whilst giving your money away to the homeless I suppose that is your prerogative as long as you stay rich and skinny.
I mean who am I to judge in all honesty? Maybe its the fact that I threaten to blacklist you from clubs that scares you. But really, power is a state of mind. Look at Obama.
But those looking for an alternative 420 why not join me in the following activities
chainsmoking skinny cigarettes in the jacuzzi
lighting my retainer on fire and claiming insurance
playing with the security guards at la guardia to see how many pocket knives I can fit into my bra
learning the opera Aida
gathering my friends to do a remake of Y Tu Mama Tambien
refusing to speak in english
requesting a happy ending after my deep tissue
refilling my prescriptions
taking pictures of fat people at the gym for my new web design project
swapping the lithium and accutane bottles at my internship at the pharmacy
sending gay porn subscriptions to every low tier JP Morgan Banker that didnt call me back or buy more than 1 bottle
Happy 420.
Sex Tips from the GlitterTherapist
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Sunday, April 17, 2011
too classy to tell you I hate you
If you are too drunk to get your act together and buy me dinner and massage my vagina than I have no business knowing you and you might as well be from the suburbs who does lines of coke with 1 dollar bills. Can you say Common Person?
Im deleting you out of my BBM list
You messed with the wrong glittertherapist by not taking me up on my invitation to my disabled suite replete with veuve and xanax.
On to the next.
Im deleting you out of my BBM list
You messed with the wrong glittertherapist by not taking me up on my invitation to my disabled suite replete with veuve and xanax.
On to the next.
To beach week? or to anally stimulate?
My dear sophisticated euro above it all too chic to tweet sister told me that she is too young, too pretty, too fresh and too smart to not be a "yes" person.
This means saying "oui" to every opportunity that presents itself in order to have as much fun as humanly possible whilst spending father's money with other cracked out pill popping socialite bulimics with the same objectives.
I always listen to Sister since she is younger more popular and more ivy leagued than yours truly, so sorry to get all Carrie Bradshaw on your ass but I couldnt help but wonder.. should I join the circle of my own pill popping socialite bulimics on the trashy beaches next week to celebrate 4 successful years of dry humping future ad southern ad execs who have guns, vote republican and base their cool factor on their greek letters?
The fact is I get wasted and get finger banged at pink elephant by rich republicans everyday, so ipso facto instead of beach week. Why dont I detox?
Get a massage?
eat kale and organic sea salt chocolate at whole foods?
Adopt a chinchilla?
formulate my itinerary for Moscow and fill out my application for a mail order bride?
send my 4 televisions back to my pied a terre in Los Angeles?
anally stimulate?
re visit my youth and eat lucky charms, read beverly clearly, watch Arthur and once I have revisited..
trip on xanax and pinot gris and visit my rabbi
Detox it is
See you at the St. Regis
xx
This means saying "oui" to every opportunity that presents itself in order to have as much fun as humanly possible whilst spending father's money with other cracked out pill popping socialite bulimics with the same objectives.
I always listen to Sister since she is younger more popular and more ivy leagued than yours truly, so sorry to get all Carrie Bradshaw on your ass but I couldnt help but wonder.. should I join the circle of my own pill popping socialite bulimics on the trashy beaches next week to celebrate 4 successful years of dry humping future ad southern ad execs who have guns, vote republican and base their cool factor on their greek letters?
The fact is I get wasted and get finger banged at pink elephant by rich republicans everyday, so ipso facto instead of beach week. Why dont I detox?
Get a massage?
eat kale and organic sea salt chocolate at whole foods?
Adopt a chinchilla?
formulate my itinerary for Moscow and fill out my application for a mail order bride?
send my 4 televisions back to my pied a terre in Los Angeles?
anally stimulate?
re visit my youth and eat lucky charms, read beverly clearly, watch Arthur and once I have revisited..
trip on xanax and pinot gris and visit my rabbi
Detox it is
See you at the St. Regis
xx
Spring Fling weekend showdown
Every university students excuse to start drinking when they wake up, have sex with people that they have been meaning to all year, jump up and down, make facebook albums about how much fun they are and how many friends they have, and spend all their money on adderal and cheap champagne.
Gross
If you need me, Ill be checked into the hotel in the spa watching HBO with my maids. See you on monday fresh faced and cracked out.
Gross
If you need me, Ill be checked into the hotel in the spa watching HBO with my maids. See you on monday fresh faced and cracked out.
More Father isms
Voice mail: Hi its your father its 1:27 I see you called 15 minutes ago, I was playing tennis, we need to discuss who is walking the dogs memorial weekend and you and brother need to decide which one is carrying the dog on the plane. Sapphire is not well and I do not want her to break her paws. Call me back.
Has anyone brushed the dogs teeth this week?
I will not buy the children kix cereal. Its a sexist cereal. Kid tested mother approved? What about Father? The children can have egg white omellettes.
My wife runs a very successful fashion business. She tweets.
I graduated Phi betta kappa Harvard Business, I think I know how to hang out with college kids.
I keep my maid because she is the only one who can iron my shirts decently. Otherwise I would fire her. Im not racist. My entire household staff is from the Jamaica. Or St. Lucia.
Im writing an email to the manager of the hotel. I am VERY disappointed with the breakfasts. Also the crowd was wildly unnattractive. It was highly disconcerning, I am a VIP guest, they will make sure they have more attractive women the next time I am there. I am really goodlooking.
You are a waspy trust fund baby who plays tennis and likes scotch? Clearly you are extremely sophisticated and have a solid understanding of the english language.
Did you say Hello to the dean at Brown? Did she know who you were? Did You tell her you were my daughter? Did you tell her how Important you are? No? Why?
All of your shrinks steal my money.
I have phenomenal fashion sense. I have a phenomenal body. I will never die. If I do die, I will delegate all my money to my right hand hand man as the trustee. He has a phenomenal serve and backhand, I trust he will do the job.
It is beyond my realm of comprehension that you would not have wine during this meal.
The scale in the gym is very accurate. I weighed myself thrice. My goal weight is the Toredore in Carmen. I could probably beat him in the bullfight.
Has anyone brushed the dogs teeth this week?
I will not buy the children kix cereal. Its a sexist cereal. Kid tested mother approved? What about Father? The children can have egg white omellettes.
My wife runs a very successful fashion business. She tweets.
I graduated Phi betta kappa Harvard Business, I think I know how to hang out with college kids.
I keep my maid because she is the only one who can iron my shirts decently. Otherwise I would fire her. Im not racist. My entire household staff is from the Jamaica. Or St. Lucia.
Im writing an email to the manager of the hotel. I am VERY disappointed with the breakfasts. Also the crowd was wildly unnattractive. It was highly disconcerning, I am a VIP guest, they will make sure they have more attractive women the next time I am there. I am really goodlooking.
You are a waspy trust fund baby who plays tennis and likes scotch? Clearly you are extremely sophisticated and have a solid understanding of the english language.
Did you say Hello to the dean at Brown? Did she know who you were? Did You tell her you were my daughter? Did you tell her how Important you are? No? Why?
All of your shrinks steal my money.
I have phenomenal fashion sense. I have a phenomenal body. I will never die. If I do die, I will delegate all my money to my right hand hand man as the trustee. He has a phenomenal serve and backhand, I trust he will do the job.
It is beyond my realm of comprehension that you would not have wine during this meal.
The scale in the gym is very accurate. I weighed myself thrice. My goal weight is the Toredore in Carmen. I could probably beat him in the bullfight.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Sleazy and Shameless? We're a Le bernadinMatchstick made in hell
Do you wear a blazer and khakis and go to hotel bars and buy 12 dollar red headed sluts and patron and suffer from pre ejaculation sauteed in an inability to emotionally connect or care about women underscored with a hatred of your parents matched with an equal love for your guest house in Bridge Hampton?
Baby, you're just my type, have the driver pick me up at 8 in the Benz and you might just get more than an over the pants hand job
Ciao
Baby, you're just my type, have the driver pick me up at 8 in the Benz and you might just get more than an over the pants hand job
Ciao
G chat with Cousin
my little cousin is one of my nearest and dearest. Sadly she is not yet part of the facebook, Alas, I get to bother my super skinny genius smiley sporty fun un corrupted (for now) little smush on the G chat. She is my pet. She is my soul. Family Love. From Taylor Swift To Ladies Beach in Nantucket to the Juice Bar to harmonizing rude songs we never run out of fun. Until of course my aderall runs out and I pass her off to my mums beautiful baby sister. Im going to be a phenom step mum/ aunt.
Glitter Therapist: HI SMUSHBEDAZZLE MUFFIN
Cousin: hi
GT: What are you doing???
Cousin: nothing
GT: How was your day?
Cousin: It was free cone day at Ben and Jerry's but the line was too long so we didnt get any icecream
GT: No sweat, stay skinny! Do you have a boyfriend????????
Cousin: K, no
GT: Me either, most guys just like me for money. Maybe I should get surgery for bigger boobs. Do you have lots of homework?
Cousin: not really just math and hebrew
GT: Jew power
Cousin: ha
GT: do you know what that means?
Cousin: no
GT: Im so excited for nantucket Memmy day weekend! We can take the pups to the beach and sing rude songs!
Cousin: Cool yea same
GT: What else is new with you smush mush
Cousin: My teeth are overcrowding, I have to get braces soon.
GT: Cool I bet they are so sparkly now. You will look amazing
Cousin: thanx
GT: you are so PRETTY
cousin: thanx I g2g now
GT: Ok I love you so much!!!! Cant wait for sleepover makeup parties on nantucket. Lets wear matching outfits.
Cousin: Ok Bi
Glitter Therapist: HI SMUSHBEDAZZLE MUFFIN
Cousin: hi
GT: What are you doing???
Cousin: nothing
GT: How was your day?
Cousin: It was free cone day at Ben and Jerry's but the line was too long so we didnt get any icecream
GT: No sweat, stay skinny! Do you have a boyfriend????????
Cousin: K, no
GT: Me either, most guys just like me for money. Maybe I should get surgery for bigger boobs. Do you have lots of homework?
Cousin: not really just math and hebrew
GT: Jew power
Cousin: ha
GT: do you know what that means?
Cousin: no
GT: Im so excited for nantucket Memmy day weekend! We can take the pups to the beach and sing rude songs!
Cousin: Cool yea same
GT: What else is new with you smush mush
Cousin: My teeth are overcrowding, I have to get braces soon.
GT: Cool I bet they are so sparkly now. You will look amazing
Cousin: thanx
GT: you are so PRETTY
cousin: thanx I g2g now
GT: Ok I love you so much!!!! Cant wait for sleepover makeup parties on nantucket. Lets wear matching outfits.
Cousin: Ok Bi
ESPNo idea..
ok, rich men like sports. well I do not know anything about sports except that I say "how bout them yankees".
I realized however that on my journey to understanding the inner confines of a wealthy waspy trust fund baby turned investment banker who dabbles in jack daniels and violence, I would have to dabble in understanding athletics that do not entail my trainer or pilatays or pole dancing.
So, I went on ESPN.COM without any guidance from my asian computer technician, and this is what I gleaned.
1. There are a lot of pictures of black guys
2. There is only a list of American cities, How gauche
3. The fantasy section does not involve a diamond encrusted plane device that transports me to pied a terre off of the Almafi coast
4. NFL MBA NHL NCAA GDI and NAACP all mean different things
5. The only drugs that are on this website are steroids.. Id rather inject myself with jelly beans, at least Ill enjoy it sort of
SO far so Good,
See you in the box seats at Chez Stadium
I realized however that on my journey to understanding the inner confines of a wealthy waspy trust fund baby turned investment banker who dabbles in jack daniels and violence, I would have to dabble in understanding athletics that do not entail my trainer or pilatays or pole dancing.
So, I went on ESPN.COM without any guidance from my asian computer technician, and this is what I gleaned.
1. There are a lot of pictures of black guys
2. There is only a list of American cities, How gauche
3. The fantasy section does not involve a diamond encrusted plane device that transports me to pied a terre off of the Almafi coast
4. NFL MBA NHL NCAA GDI and NAACP all mean different things
5. The only drugs that are on this website are steroids.. Id rather inject myself with jelly beans, at least Ill enjoy it sort of
SO far so Good,
See you in the box seats at Chez Stadium
I was going to kill myself but then I saw that there was a sale at barney's
Whilst I was crushing up this month's bottle of old school valium I found at my paternal Grandmother's in the early 90's, I contemplated finishing off the job and having a really phenom high class funeral that page 6 would cover and the Yale A Cappella group would sing at.
Then I realized that there a few things that I would miss if I were to really die.
1. Sale at Barney's this week
2. My maid
3. fage yogurt
4. real housewives
5. Father's employee's
6. tweetpics
7. random weekends in vegas
keep my teddy (bear) during sex
My dear rich teddy bear stays on my canopy princess bed. Most rich coked out wannabe financier hedgefund lawyer plastic surgeon agents are a bit disturbed and try to move teddy whilst Im getting fingered.
NO
Perhaps I am depressed that I am a bit too old for a child molester, as I hear those wannabe Lolita little girl victims get the old school valium, so I keep my teddy to remind me of the innocent little girl inside me that was most likely not molested.
muah muah muah love you bear
NO
Perhaps I am depressed that I am a bit too old for a child molester, as I hear those wannabe Lolita little girl victims get the old school valium, so I keep my teddy to remind me of the innocent little girl inside me that was most likely not molested.
muah muah muah love you bear
jaded medicated sedated michael kors whore:
Mother once told me "nothing shocks me", lets hope thats her reaction when my first high class tasteful foreign porn heirs. My career in dabbling in soft core erotic flicks has nothing to do with my self loathing impossibly low self esteem that stemmed from a private all girls education, but instead as an exploration of the message that intelligent girls can do sex for a living.
Like most of the jaded medicated sedated michael kors whores with whom I frequently socialize, I find that we all have the same problem, we just want more money, more champagne, more tweets in our direction, and a greater list of options on the room service menu with a traveling nutritionist who will give you a black eye if you order anything with trans fats or fries.
Jaded: love is not real unless its a rolled up ben Franklin
medicated: tuna tartare xanax christian louboutins sauted in vinegar and adderal
sedated: chainsmoking and pretending to have no feelings whilst taking black and white photos of self
michael kors whore: wearing labels that clearly make the designer known, insert herver leger, chanel strapped bag, and shirt that reads J'adore Dior.
Recently, Ive been more anxious than normal and like most of my jaded medicated michael kors whores, I seek solace in the binge shopping online, several tequila shots, and dry humping strangers which then of course lead me to mass text my shrinks and skip all of my fake obligations to ponder why we are not in a facebook relationship.
Ive come to the realization, or perhaps my 400 dollar an hour P.H.D has or Kanye West, that what I need is to figure out the deepest roots of my beautiful dark twisted fantasy and overcome my fear of being labeled a trashy failed socialclimber.
To me that sounds boring, Its a lot more fun to drink a few bottles of champagne and hide under my duvet until someone bbm's me to invite me to the club.
Il bring the sparklers.
Like most of the jaded medicated sedated michael kors whores with whom I frequently socialize, I find that we all have the same problem, we just want more money, more champagne, more tweets in our direction, and a greater list of options on the room service menu with a traveling nutritionist who will give you a black eye if you order anything with trans fats or fries.
Jaded: love is not real unless its a rolled up ben Franklin
medicated: tuna tartare xanax christian louboutins sauted in vinegar and adderal
sedated: chainsmoking and pretending to have no feelings whilst taking black and white photos of self
michael kors whore: wearing labels that clearly make the designer known, insert herver leger, chanel strapped bag, and shirt that reads J'adore Dior.
Recently, Ive been more anxious than normal and like most of my jaded medicated michael kors whores, I seek solace in the binge shopping online, several tequila shots, and dry humping strangers which then of course lead me to mass text my shrinks and skip all of my fake obligations to ponder why we are not in a facebook relationship.
Ive come to the realization, or perhaps my 400 dollar an hour P.H.D has or Kanye West, that what I need is to figure out the deepest roots of my beautiful dark twisted fantasy and overcome my fear of being labeled a trashy failed socialclimber.
To me that sounds boring, Its a lot more fun to drink a few bottles of champagne and hide under my duvet until someone bbm's me to invite me to the club.
Il bring the sparklers.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
God:There is More to life than stock portfolios and Vicodin..Maybe
Jews love Jews, which in a way is borderline incestuous.Yet kind of erotic, as our people were on the search for the land of Milk and Honey, which is also phenom speak easy in Manhattan that no longer accepts Americans so I use my French passport.
I am proud to be Jewish Why? We are chosen, and Jew sounds like Jewelry. Mi scusi Matthew Mark Luke and John, been there done that, Id rather party with people who part the red sea.
I believe in God because I believe in the possibility that there is someone more powerful than everyone else. I hope to be the slutty intern for God one day and make a facebook album and soundtrack of my entrance into hell. Hallelujah
When my friends get more sparklers in their champagne at the VIP club than I do, when I didn't buy the Prada shoes I saw that I thought were cool and instead bought diet coke and magazines, when I feel like I don't have enough twitter followers, when I cheated on the bar and may have been caught, or when I steal from the pharmacy..
I seek spiritual guidance from my Jewish Kaballah Master and from my english translated Torah to help me with these severe issues when I am bored of my shrinks.
It appears there is no way of knowing which God is the richest, someone once told me that Buddha was pretty wealthy but I dont eat rice and I dont like sitting in indian style.
All I know is that God gave me the gift of knowing my destiny which is to make it to the top tier of every high society circle in all the major cities of America and the Americanized part of the Middle East.
So to the Age old Question that plagued every young teenage girl, are you there God?, its Me Loser
is now answered, God is omni potentdelicious. And is ready to party with the waspy chosen.
xx
I am proud to be Jewish Why? We are chosen, and Jew sounds like Jewelry. Mi scusi Matthew Mark Luke and John, been there done that, Id rather party with people who part the red sea.
I believe in God because I believe in the possibility that there is someone more powerful than everyone else. I hope to be the slutty intern for God one day and make a facebook album and soundtrack of my entrance into hell. Hallelujah
When my friends get more sparklers in their champagne at the VIP club than I do, when I didn't buy the Prada shoes I saw that I thought were cool and instead bought diet coke and magazines, when I feel like I don't have enough twitter followers, when I cheated on the bar and may have been caught, or when I steal from the pharmacy..
I seek spiritual guidance from my Jewish Kaballah Master and from my english translated Torah to help me with these severe issues when I am bored of my shrinks.
It appears there is no way of knowing which God is the richest, someone once told me that Buddha was pretty wealthy but I dont eat rice and I dont like sitting in indian style.
All I know is that God gave me the gift of knowing my destiny which is to make it to the top tier of every high society circle in all the major cities of America and the Americanized part of the Middle East.
So to the Age old Question that plagued every young teenage girl, are you there God?, its Me Loser
is now answered, God is omni potentdelicious. And is ready to party with the waspy chosen.
xx
My Prescription Drug Dealer asked me if I lost weight..Awkward
Lets be real, my psychopharmacologist is one of my dearest friends, muah muah love her like my own mum, but sometimes one month is just too long to get a refill in which case I have to take my mercedes Benz to trashville and look for alternative sources...
So my fantastic staff member who has an endless supply of what can an only described as a strung out beverly Hills Housewife medicine cabinet under his linoleum leather car seats, is where I turn when I am in the middle of the month and have already crushed up and blended my meds into my smoothies. And sometimes in the smoothies for the children I babysit for good fun.
I was wearing a wonder bra and H and M leggings and he told me I looked really sexy. This was uncomfortable and here's why.
1. I do not sleep with the help. You work for me.
2. Your job is to medicate not lubricate..
3. He realizes his medication is producing productive side effects and thus may charge more and sadly this is not covered by insurance so im told, but have no idea what insurance is.
So my fantastic staff member who has an endless supply of what can an only described as a strung out beverly Hills Housewife medicine cabinet under his linoleum leather car seats, is where I turn when I am in the middle of the month and have already crushed up and blended my meds into my smoothies. And sometimes in the smoothies for the children I babysit for good fun.
I was wearing a wonder bra and H and M leggings and he told me I looked really sexy. This was uncomfortable and here's why.
1. I do not sleep with the help. You work for me.
2. Your job is to medicate not lubricate..
3. He realizes his medication is producing productive side effects and thus may charge more and sadly this is not covered by insurance so im told, but have no idea what insurance is.
Friday, April 8, 2011
BE sinful: Steal Organic Chocolate From CVS
Most Definitely Do these...
take a few xanax bars before court
throw away jury duty notices
talk about Jesus on dates
chew gum whilst walking down the aisle
wikipedia insider trading and then do it
make friends with firemen and ask to ride a top the truck for facebook album purposes
hold cigs with vagina
do absolutely nothing but shop on GILT and watch the Kardashians and google racist jokes
write a suicide letter and press send all
go to a restaurant and ask a man sitting with his wife and children if he would like to go out sometime
give a "ball job"
refuse to wear anything but a tutu and tory burch ballet flats
make a sign and ask for money and put out louis vuitton luggage to collect coins in
take a passport picture with a turban on
send an erotic story that really turned you on to your entire immediate family, request they do the same
take a few xanax bars before court
throw away jury duty notices
talk about Jesus on dates
chew gum whilst walking down the aisle
wikipedia insider trading and then do it
make friends with firemen and ask to ride a top the truck for facebook album purposes
hold cigs with vagina
do absolutely nothing but shop on GILT and watch the Kardashians and google racist jokes
write a suicide letter and press send all
go to a restaurant and ask a man sitting with his wife and children if he would like to go out sometime
give a "ball job"
refuse to wear anything but a tutu and tory burch ballet flats
make a sign and ask for money and put out louis vuitton luggage to collect coins in
take a passport picture with a turban on
send an erotic story that really turned you on to your entire immediate family, request they do the same
Rich Trust Fund Baby Strippers: Harder than it looks
If you are rich and hot, take off your clothes and develop a boot camp workout ethic that borderline's on obsessive dysfunctional.
I find the profession of stripping fascinating. As an intellectual Republican woman of the 21st century, not only do I think there is nothing wrong with strip clubs, I fully support them and plan on opening one of my own with a couple of girlfriends after college. The club will be a library by day and a strip club by night. The librarians will turn into strippers in the evening. This way, I will encourage society to read more, thereby combining intellectual interests with trivial, more physical pursuits.
Strip clubs promote confidence in women because the strippers are in total control of their sexuality and recognize that the impact they have on men can get them hundred dollar bills in their lacy thongs. They take this knowledge of the power of the naked female visual and use it to pay their rent. Strippers are confident, sexy and smart. They show the world that women can be in control of their sexuality and still have all the power — even without their clothes.
But it’s not all fun and games being a stripper. If you choose to go into this profession, make sure you add some karate classes to your daily workouts in order to beat up any of the clients that get too touchy. The lifestyle of stripping is certainly not easy; I always laugh when I hear women say, “Screw this assignment, I’ll just be a stripper.” This is nearly the equivalent of saying, “Screw this assignment, I will just be a top tier analyst at JP MORGAn.” My point is that both acquire certain skills to be able to properly do your job. Not everyone can be a stripper — strippers are in impeccable shape, are excellent dancers and have to have enough street smarts to call their supervisors if one of their clients becomes too forward.
The occupation of taking off one’s clothes is brilliant; the woman is empowered because of her ability to entrance her audience. The men think they are in control because they objectify what they see, but in reality it’s all just a fantasy. The men are able to fantasize that these beautiful women with amazing dance skills are actually interested in them, and that makes them feel powerful. After the show, the men have to go back to their existence as a father of three and a nine-to-five job, while the strippers can go out for drinks with the money the men gave them.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Im a lot of baggage but at least its Louis Vuitton
Its clear its a lot of work to be around me. Ive had several people told me that they have needed to go into therapy themselves for dealing with my antics. But you know what? Get over yourself and in the mean time get some prozac and a few extra for me. I may be absolutely insane off my rocker, but I am most definitely hella fun. I find the US penal system open for debate mostly because Ive slept with most of the Supreme Court and am quite certain I am able to fly.
. I apologize for my rudeness but the fact is being part of my inner circle is beyond the wildest ride you could ever imagine. I am the best wing woman you will ever need. I talk to every rich man, can tell when he's poor and am their at 4 in the morning on the next flight to mexico to escape to Havana with you if the Police are out looking for your stash.
So I may have some slightly border personality disorder esque tendencies, but what not boring person doesnt? I question those of my generation who conform to what they perceive others to think they should act like. I find the conversations circling around boyfriends, careers, and children, items of which I find no use for and hope to never be cursed with and are rather bulimia inducing.
Bring on the insanity, the personality disorders, the cutting, the rape, the condoms breaking, the prescription drug dependencies, and the hedge fund funded private party rooms.
Should be a good party.
. I apologize for my rudeness but the fact is being part of my inner circle is beyond the wildest ride you could ever imagine. I am the best wing woman you will ever need. I talk to every rich man, can tell when he's poor and am their at 4 in the morning on the next flight to mexico to escape to Havana with you if the Police are out looking for your stash.
So I may have some slightly border personality disorder esque tendencies, but what not boring person doesnt? I question those of my generation who conform to what they perceive others to think they should act like. I find the conversations circling around boyfriends, careers, and children, items of which I find no use for and hope to never be cursed with and are rather bulimia inducing.
Bring on the insanity, the personality disorders, the cutting, the rape, the condoms breaking, the prescription drug dependencies, and the hedge fund funded private party rooms.
Should be a good party.
thriving in the drama
There are plenty of women who throw around the phrase "I dont like drama", Id love to be that type of woman as Id most likely have more time to get pedicures and smoke cigarettes.
For me, I thrive in the drama, the gossip, the lies, the backstabbing, and the cheating all of these things make up the core essence of who I am. I am most definitely the sole cause of most of the drama that occurs both in my personal and professional life and instead of being ashamed of my mildly early teenage syndrome of screaming for attention, I rock it and you know why? It works. Its what I like to call catty capitalism. There is only so much attention that can go to one person, and my objective is to dominate it.
You didnt invite me to your bat mitzvah? Well foxnewsflash Judaism is over and I had more fun picking out my coffin online anyway
I heard you gave him head and he didnt finish? Already tweeted about it.
There is something wildly entertaining about the drama that I just cant help myself from getting caught up in. It is of course due to my overly sensitive nature where if you look at me wrong I am forever offended and will most likely send a nasty BBM in your direction and C.C it to all my shrinks. and my mum.
Drama like glitter and pre ejaculation, is inevitable, so cry me a river and join me for a cocktail at the St. Regis. Ive got a great story..
For me, I thrive in the drama, the gossip, the lies, the backstabbing, and the cheating all of these things make up the core essence of who I am. I am most definitely the sole cause of most of the drama that occurs both in my personal and professional life and instead of being ashamed of my mildly early teenage syndrome of screaming for attention, I rock it and you know why? It works. Its what I like to call catty capitalism. There is only so much attention that can go to one person, and my objective is to dominate it.
You didnt invite me to your bat mitzvah? Well foxnewsflash Judaism is over and I had more fun picking out my coffin online anyway
I heard you gave him head and he didnt finish? Already tweeted about it.
There is something wildly entertaining about the drama that I just cant help myself from getting caught up in. It is of course due to my overly sensitive nature where if you look at me wrong I am forever offended and will most likely send a nasty BBM in your direction and C.C it to all my shrinks. and my mum.
Drama like glitter and pre ejaculation, is inevitable, so cry me a river and join me for a cocktail at the St. Regis. Ive got a great story..
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
My new favorite Golddiggers: We met when we were kids
Recently I met this blonde skinny midwest public school soccer player turned soccer mum who is my new favorite kind of gold digger. She met her husband in university when he had a big dick but wasnt rich. YET. She felt the potential of leading the creme da creme lifestyle she deserved. So when the sex got stale and boring and moved onto cybersexing with spanish men, she waited around for the major pay day. And for what its worth, it was worth it.
so she patiently waited and could fool all her friends and family by saying she married for love.
Rest assured your secret is safe with me, as I know that marrying for love is a bigger lie than saying you don't take anti depressants and don't suffer from exercise bulimia. But I commend you on your ability to manipulate your gold digging imperative. And you had less competition as he didnt' have money then. My question is, do you still make the cut?
so she patiently waited and could fool all her friends and family by saying she married for love.
Rest assured your secret is safe with me, as I know that marrying for love is a bigger lie than saying you don't take anti depressants and don't suffer from exercise bulimia. But I commend you on your ability to manipulate your gold digging imperative. And you had less competition as he didnt' have money then. My question is, do you still make the cut?
I feel so much better knowing my dad makes more money than yours
Love my creme de la creme inner circle. Muah Muah Muah. But some lets face it, you may be prettier, may be smarter, may give better head, have more prescription drugs, have more designer clothes, have tighter vaginas, cooler accents, and less minorly violent alcoholic issues.
When the pusher comes to shove, one takes comfort in the notion that, my dad yells louder than your dad, ipso facto, my dad makes more money than your dad.
WHen Im feeling down, I take a valium, put on my van cleef princess crown, call the lower tier Morgan Stanley analyst who finger banged me in the 90's, and go out to dinner at Le Bernadin on the company card. Relax baby, its a business dinner.
When the pusher comes to shove, one takes comfort in the notion that, my dad yells louder than your dad, ipso facto, my dad makes more money than your dad.
WHen Im feeling down, I take a valium, put on my van cleef princess crown, call the lower tier Morgan Stanley analyst who finger banged me in the 90's, and go out to dinner at Le Bernadin on the company card. Relax baby, its a business dinner.
Lies I ve heard on the Ski Slopes in Aspen
Why do I ski? FOr the potential sexual encounters on the chairlifts, for the potential accidents that then lead to a mass amount of painkillers, and for the apres ski massages where I can pour hot chocolate on my masseuse and it is not considered abuse. Ski ing is the one sport that I do because you can look rich and hot without having to judge other people's cellulite.
and nothing says Im Rich Im Jewish and Im cultured like a family holiday on the snow to re-emphasize the whiteness of our existence.
Here are some quality pieces Ive heard over the years whilst on the black diamond. (Not, Im a bunny girl, like Playboy)
1. I dont have a cocaine problem, my bloody nose is just the altitude
2. I love skiing with my family
3. Ive been skiing for a while, Im pretty fast
4. There has never been a rape on this chair lift
and nothing says Im Rich Im Jewish and Im cultured like a family holiday on the snow to re-emphasize the whiteness of our existence.
Here are some quality pieces Ive heard over the years whilst on the black diamond. (Not, Im a bunny girl, like Playboy)
1. I dont have a cocaine problem, my bloody nose is just the altitude
2. I love skiing with my family
3. Ive been skiing for a while, Im pretty fast
4. There has never been a rape on this chair lift
Therapy Sessions: the new and improved glitter
I used to deny the fact that I was a manic depressive alcoholic slut with schizophrenic narcissistic tendencies who dabbles in setting fire to things and stealing from the homeless, but now that I own it I am much happier, much more fun, and much more medicated.
However it is court ordered that I still see a shrink, which lets face it, I get the same therapy out of dropping 300 dollars at a bar tab and in the pharmacy, but there is still a sick sensation in telling the shrink the sordid details of my bloody violent glittery insomniac existence.
Maybe its because she didnt go to medical school and isnt a real doctor, but it REALLY bothers me when she pronounces clitoris as CLIT-toris. Why are you saying it like this?
Please dont mispronounce important words as such, as it causes me to think that you are not a properly educated woman and thus should not be advising me on whether or not I should get a 2nd 34 karat piercing.
Stick to your specialty P.H.D, not M.D, the theory that I am overpaid undernourished and surrounded by rich people who's self obsession is nearly blinding to those around them and use that theory for every problem I have.
Meanwhile Im off for a dirty martini at the Russian Tea room and a 2nd piercing.
However it is court ordered that I still see a shrink, which lets face it, I get the same therapy out of dropping 300 dollars at a bar tab and in the pharmacy, but there is still a sick sensation in telling the shrink the sordid details of my bloody violent glittery insomniac existence.
Maybe its because she didnt go to medical school and isnt a real doctor, but it REALLY bothers me when she pronounces clitoris as CLIT-toris. Why are you saying it like this?
Please dont mispronounce important words as such, as it causes me to think that you are not a properly educated woman and thus should not be advising me on whether or not I should get a 2nd 34 karat piercing.
Stick to your specialty P.H.D, not M.D, the theory that I am overpaid undernourished and surrounded by rich people who's self obsession is nearly blinding to those around them and use that theory for every problem I have.
Meanwhile Im off for a dirty martini at the Russian Tea room and a 2nd piercing.
If you dont text me, its fine, Ill just kill you
Those of you know who know me well know that I am inappropriately intimately connected with the mafia. Basically it was one weekend in cancun and I had too many french 75's and a sob story that rivals Anne Frank's.
Plain and Simple. Piss me off, not get me off, or neglect to text me when you first wake up, what you ate, and what you are doing and the progress of your stock portfolio and who has just gotten chin rhinoplasty. This includes but is not limited to men women dogs and family members.
Text me Im fabulous. WHo right now is doing something more fun in their lives than me? I am currently in the first class lounge at Delta naked drinking the free diet coke and vodka and eating the cars crackers with the olive tapenade. Trust me, I am beyond your wildest dreams, and if you dont text, you will fall off the radar and someone else will take your place.
Plain and Simple. Piss me off, not get me off, or neglect to text me when you first wake up, what you ate, and what you are doing and the progress of your stock portfolio and who has just gotten chin rhinoplasty. This includes but is not limited to men women dogs and family members.
Text me Im fabulous. WHo right now is doing something more fun in their lives than me? I am currently in the first class lounge at Delta naked drinking the free diet coke and vodka and eating the cars crackers with the olive tapenade. Trust me, I am beyond your wildest dreams, and if you dont text, you will fall off the radar and someone else will take your place.
April Goals: I want an elephant that gets bathed in Johnson and Johnson
find a smart asian who can make my website of Glitter Therapy Sex Toys for Prude Frigid women that may or may not have been molested by a neighbor rendering them incapable of a satisfying sex life. Bonus if his wife can give me brazilians.
Devise a plan to get the I got for easter through security.
start wearing underwear when I have my period
put an ad on craigslist for anyone who needs a ballerina to entertain them for the evening ( never have enough cash)
Develop my own line of designer drugs that are FDA approved
Sue my divorce lawyer
put crystal ashtrays round my jacuzzi so I can chainsmoke
re do my tasteful nude black and white photos and have them laminated to send out to dear friends and family
stop snorting cayenne pepper, has no laxative effect
Go on a wild rampage to get an elephant
When Im having sex I think about my maid
I feel for those boring middle aged housewives who think about all the cleaning they have to do when they are done with with pretending to enjoy sex. They should have listened to me and stayed out of the library and moved into the gym and or spa. Its bad enough to think about someone else cleaning up your mess I cant even imagine doing it myself.
Once I washed the dishes in 1996 but nearly flooded the entire apartment, thus created a new rule that I was not allowed to touch electrical appliances.
A common problem among me and my inner circle is thinking about what a mess we are making whilst doing the deed and how sorry I feel (sort of) for my pseudo illegal staff to have to clean it up. I suppose thats what Christmas bonuses and designer bags that are out of season are for.
Love you Rosa, See you at the St. Regis. (just kidding)
Once I washed the dishes in 1996 but nearly flooded the entire apartment, thus created a new rule that I was not allowed to touch electrical appliances.
A common problem among me and my inner circle is thinking about what a mess we are making whilst doing the deed and how sorry I feel (sort of) for my pseudo illegal staff to have to clean it up. I suppose thats what Christmas bonuses and designer bags that are out of season are for.
Love you Rosa, See you at the St. Regis. (just kidding)
Relax Baby Im a publicist: Hostess trips on power
When a" hostess" (hooker) tells me the reservation is full, I like a lawyer take this as an opening offer. I mention to her that father works on wall street and mother has millions of twitter followers. Im sorry? Is there something you can do?
I thought so.
See you at 10, and lets not let this happen again.
I thought so.
See you at 10, and lets not let this happen again.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
hickies: there is no point in hooking up with someone if you dont have proof
Most of what I say is a complete and total lie and thus assume everyone else is lying.. you are best friends with Paris Hilton? You used to date Schreech from Saved by the Bell? OMYGODMETOO.
If there is no proof I dont believe you, also because I am actually best friends with Paris Hilton and used to hang out with Schreech in rehab in the mid 90's.
In any case, I like to rock what Father calls "discoloring on my neck" to which he inquired about during dinner of pinot and clams. I naturally told him what they were and watched him attempt to change the subject to his white employer dating of out race. Something to which keeps both of us late at night wondering.. but why?
Anyway, back to my neck..
Hickies look violent, vampire esque, and thus create what I call a tough chic. I am a party girl, yet I am talking about finding NATO obsolete after the Cold War. Gorbachev.. TEAR DOWN THIS WALL.
So my fellow drunk prudes, I hope you put on your herve leger tank tops and leave your DIOR concealer at home. Hickies are the new accessory. As always, make sure he was wearing a rolex and has severe mommy issues with a side order of a vicodin addiction sauteed with rich ejaculation.
Next time I want my hickie in the shape of the Chanel sign to max my bikini wax.
If there is no proof I dont believe you, also because I am actually best friends with Paris Hilton and used to hang out with Schreech in rehab in the mid 90's.
In any case, I like to rock what Father calls "discoloring on my neck" to which he inquired about during dinner of pinot and clams. I naturally told him what they were and watched him attempt to change the subject to his white employer dating of out race. Something to which keeps both of us late at night wondering.. but why?
Anyway, back to my neck..
Hickies look violent, vampire esque, and thus create what I call a tough chic. I am a party girl, yet I am talking about finding NATO obsolete after the Cold War. Gorbachev.. TEAR DOWN THIS WALL.
So my fellow drunk prudes, I hope you put on your herve leger tank tops and leave your DIOR concealer at home. Hickies are the new accessory. As always, make sure he was wearing a rolex and has severe mommy issues with a side order of a vicodin addiction sauteed with rich ejaculation.
Next time I want my hickie in the shape of the Chanel sign to max my bikini wax.
Im not trying to make out with you- move your head
Im pretentiously what they call a pseudo european, one who is from America but been to europe enough times to consider myself european. ipso facto I kiss you on both cheeks even if you are from Queens. Dont be shocked by my seemingly impeccable manners and my friendly small talk of asking about your day. I am attempting to guess your pin number and find which pocket you are hiding your drugs.
Ciao
Ciao
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