Shoplifting Botox Playing Chess in Central Park with homeless - so many lost hobbies

On any Given Sunday, the movie and the phrase, I would be positively tingled in the Vag to work from home on my Bacarrat Vanity Desk and at my pseudo position of Pseudo Assistant Director Of Vera Wang For Balmain For Tik Tok by The Prince, a job I got with my own merits of sleeping my way to the top and having my step Dad accuse someone of rape. Classic Combo

But Alas, I came to to the painstaking realization that I truly do miss My Pre Quarantine Life especially

Shoplifting from Bloomingdales and then Dylans Candy Bar

Throwing Almonds in the Pool at the Ritz in Paris

The sexual tension of a full First Class from JFK to Heathrow  

My Lip injections and cunt liposuction 

Publicly throwing temper tantrums during intermissions at top tier Broadway shows 

Losing at Chess to the homeless 

The drugs at Mens Fashion Week in Milano

Live Storying from Rich people's company planes

Seeing How many Van Gogh's I can touch at the Musee Dorsay before explaining to Security I have an emotional support card allowing me to do so

Giving mediocre handjob's to my husband at Snooty restaurants 

Drunk BookClub with the rejects from Harvard Westlake and Nightingale

Poking fun of the Koreans secret CIA language during Pedicures

 Crustless Tea Sandwiches at the George Sanc

Practicing My Arabic with Cab Drivers 

Love and Booze in the Time of Corona

Ok so I thought the quarantine was going to only be a few weeks and would resurrect my blog and then go back into my lifestyle of bulimia and self hate but it seems we are all still stuck with our husbands and children.
Corona Weekly Fast Facts

1. If you offer your supermarket checkout lady cookies and beer the karma will return 3 fold
2. Tucker Carlson is so sexy
3. No time for racism of the Chinese; when there is so much room for self hatred which in turn can be used productively like Weightloss and disturbing art projects

Corona Beauty Tips to stop looking like a date Raped Frida Kahlo

I don't know about you, my contemporary creme de la cremes, graduates of elite universities that you smuggled your way into without photoshopping yourself rocking the coxen position as this is lesbian- and are now moronic executives at non for non profits that serve great amuse bouches and have board members that have blown up countries. Chic Cest La Vie Cest bon Cest Bon- But I really look heinous. And worse than usual.

I have not had my Botox by Groupon teeth whitening by Dr Apa Barrys Bootcamp, hair trim Frederik Fakiki vagina wax vagina tightening eyebrow thread slutty bridge and tunnel French manicure with a side of a dirty green tea footscrub in like 50 days, and I only spend money on this instead of my Roth IRA because the return is better and Im an instant orgasm gratification kinda skank.

I would say this look is reminiscent of a date raped Frida Kahlo and frankly Im alarmed.

No matter how Rich or how poor  I think I am I have always relied on  bulimia la mer squats rough sex salad nicoise  cigarettes the New York post and large marinate Olsen Starbucks coffee as the key ingredients to the fountain of youth and intelligence,
but alas without several of these ingredients whats a lazy well bred alcoholic with light stalker tendencies and a penchant for child porn to do?

I have done all of these and am looking better let me know your thoughts

-mash avacado and jizz all over public hair
-shave eyebrows with thin razor
-set fire to your split ends
-tape your face with packing tape for botox
-ice your nipples and eyes with vodka or ice cubes for an awake look
- use hemmoroid cream as moisturizer

Corona Concerns

What Im most concerned about this outbreak is going back to normal life. I am not sure about you but  I have thoroughly enjoyed not brushing my teeth or hair, not going to work, watching porn at 10am and only interacting with the illegal speakeasy run by Arabs so that I can practice my Arabic with my flashcards. So far I have learned to say I love my sister because we share clothes! I prefer democracy and what about you (formal)

I was watching MSNBC because it is crucial to hear the other side besides the fair and balanced and it occurred to me that I was in good hands as Americans love a good white girl gone missing and a panic. Plus Nancy Pelosi is often on and I love her pearl and red moments. Other than that please give me all of your money and go back to the South of France and shut the fuck up PeSi.

Alas, it does seem clear that we will come out of this Pandemic, which is kind of sad, as I love a good end of the world with cute population control and Im concerned about the following

the high yield bond markets and my roots growing in

that I still cannot find my clit

That my Roth IRA has plummeted

That I still cannot drive or give great head

Corona Schedule In Sickness and in Wealth Till Death Due us Part

11am: Wake up; Chant the Courtney Love Buddhist Chant “Nam-myoho-renge-kyo! Nam-myoho-renge-kyo! which prays for the safety of Monks and Struggling Start up Drug Cartels, Neo Nazis, and American Money Launderers. 

1115: Scream Profanities out the Window Naked with a full bush 

12pm: Take adderal and mix it with peanut butter and tumeric and garlic and lemon and tasti delight that I smuggled before the quarantine and do the Alexis Neisers from Bling Ring Law of Attraction Prayer And So it Is. Share half with my dog. 

1pm: Submit old New York School of American ballet videos of me dancing to  various high end child pedophile blogs 

130: Do a yoga video instagram live that includes high energy kickboxing inbetween the moon salutations to my followers and preach incorrect facts about meditation in the hopes I seep into their sub conscious and start a cult. 

2pm: Paint Chanel symbols and Swastikas on my mask to go to the grocery store. Buy orbit gum and extra diet coke for the grocery store ladies who have become some of my best friends. We gossip about life in the ghetto and are starting a book club, and Im taking the ladies to Barrys when it opens. They are nervous about the sprints. 

4pm: Go to the liquor store and buy out all of the cloudy oyster crime scene wine under 25 dollars. You snooze you loose. Pay for it in quarters and use my Fake ID even though Im old enough to be his sister and he didnt ask for it. 

430pm: Zoom with psychiatrist who tells me I owe her 800 dollars. I ask her if she will take bitcoin and pesos and Moroccan dollars. She says ok. 

530pm; Chainsmoke outside the Met grateful that I do not have to go inside and remember all the wikipedia facts about Van Gogh's early childhood and personality disorders

6pm: Go home and set 3 peppers on fire with mustard and eat them. The fire department comes and one of them is hot in a didnt go to college fuck my parents I like meth and burning stuff  sort of way, so we smoke a joint and watch an episode of Full House in my jacuzzi 

8pm: Ask my poodle to massage my clit. She says no but feels bad. 

830pm: Journal that Im grateful that work and the court house are still closed. 

See you at The St Regis as soon as it opens. 

Quarantine Classes that are not being offered

Good Evening; I use this term lightly as I still have my sleeping mask on my head that says Rich Cunt in Arabic  and I'm drinking a martini out of hand sanitizer and toilet paper and paprika and its to die.

Ok, So as you you know my ex-stepdaughter -the one I had with the Sultan with the poorly decorated home in St Tropez and the Jet,  matriculates USC Kappa Kappa Rim Job and allegedly roomed with Lori Loughin's high critically acclaimed youtube sensation of a child who gave makeup tutorials that impress A-Listers like Monica Lewinsky and Marcia Clark and Cardi B's colleagues from her old job.
So much to say about this hilarious scandal but its for another time as we are of course in a bio-genic anesthetic pandemic.

But truly madly deeply savage garden, Im aghast, I got into the college the regular way. Obviously I am a true genius but no one could see this as I am white and lazy.  So I paid a well dressed bureau kittyKat at City Hall  to find an Indian relative on the Mayflower- whilst simultaneously sexting everyone on the Board of Admission and bought them a wine I made in my bathroom and stuck an expensive label on it that I painted with Opi nail polish.

So since the ex-step kid and I still chat - we are self quarantining together since school's out.

Un-naturally, we have a special relationship, even though she gets mad at me when I steal her vibrator.  She loves me as I buy her drugs and do her taxes and teach her fun tricks  like how to avoid restraining orders and how to flirt with people in prison. They'll be out soon ya know as I always tell her.

Alas, since she is home with me and the dogs and the white Tigers I got faxed,
She is doing this online learning and the classes in the typical liberal media elite fashion are nothing but a waste of time and space, much like grandparents. So much for the 250,000 of my ex-husbands money that could have been used for much more important causes having to do with me.

It inspired me to gather a  phenom curriculum of a course load and lecture topics that are much more suited for the Real World (MTV).

1. Is it acceptable for Jews to listen and enjoy Wagner Opera?

2. The psychological dynamics of interracial couples of our time re 1992-2009

3. How to make poison

4. How sex traffickers recruit profit and organize

6. How to have a meaningful exciting and passionate sex life after 5 years of marriage without viagra, a mistress, or a pool boy equivalent

7. The role of the Middle East conflict in Homeland, 24, The Wire, Boy Meets World, and Curb your Enthusiasm

8. Why  Lee Radziwill would have been a better first lady and where to find her clothes. One lecture can be devoted to who killed JFK.

9. Law of Attraction, Black Magic, Karma, and New Age Wealthy White Girl Spiritual Journeys

10.  How to appropriately speak to people who clearly have less money than you i.e Bergdorf Salesgirls, Janitors at the White House, et ad nauseam

11. Manipulate people without having sex with them

12. Why did LC not take the summer internship in Paris

13.  Profiles of successful assassins and white collar felons who have not been caught and are still on the run

14. Conspiracy Theory 101: Was 9/11 an inside job? Who killed Whitney Houston? Is Barron Trump retarded? Are chemicals in the water at the Ritz in Paris turning people gay? Was bhutros Ghali replaced by a clone?

15. What does Private Equity mean and how can it help me?

UnFamily Friendly Quarantine Activities

1. Take a bubble path, light a joint, paint your toes gold, and put on smooth jazz, read erotica

2.  Bedazzle politically incorrect symbols and hang them on your door

3. Make up a sexy dance for your dad

4. Change all of the mailbox names

5. Make marijuana brownies for your UPS delivery folks doormen and favorite Duane Reade Cashiers! but make sure you tell them! (some of them)

6. Make a mood board of what your life should have looked like 3 years ago

7.  Write a letter to a prisoner with a huge following and ask him to write back re Harvey Weinstein, Terry Nichols, Mahoum Salim (alqueada founder), Eric Rudolph, The shoe bomber,  a woman who killed her husband and wife, and say whoever rights back first you will fill their canteen and send People Magazine and Town and Country

8. Get a black hospital mask and paint dollar signs in white out on it or easy Chinese phrases