Get Balanced Program from the Glitter Theripast: A Dose of Republicanism and Reality

Its hard out there for a wanna be social climbing pill popping bulimic manic depressive bi polar prude sauteed with daddy issues and the inability to find help that is the perfect balance between a friend and a staff member who does not pry -sophisticated bitch.
So like in Islam, since I am a Muslim today Al humdu lay la there are 5 pillars of  Islam that I wikipediad, but tell everyone that I am cultured enough to know off hand,
Charity, prayer, fasting, the assertion that there is only one god but god  and the pilgramage to mecca.

These
are unapplicable to the lazy rich kid bi lingual well travelled bi polar social media black president generation.

Those pillars no offense to MoMo, also involve a lot of self relection, deep focus, and attention to God. I do enough of this in therapy and cannot focus without my medication, and as for only one God but God? Im not sure Im ready to admit to myself that only one person is responsible for the insufferable pain Ive endured. Id like to spread the responsibility around to some of the other holier figures.

Glitter Therapy Guide to A Balanced Medicated Unhealthy Unsatisfying Deprived yet Cultured Existence.

1. Work Life: If I didnt have a job, and by job I mean a position that I paid my way into by having a Father on wall street and a mother who tweets at fashion week, I would not get out of bed and would practice rolling joints to impress rich hampton go ers and getting pedicures.
Get a job, make your own money so you can stop spending parents money rolling on mali at Electric Zoo.

2. Sleep Life: Watch an erotic soft core porn swallowed with an ambien and get 8 hours everynight and re schedule morning meetings for conflicts.

3. Sex life/ Social Life: Stop sleeping with your friends. The higher the number of people you sleep with in metropolitan cities, the less of a chance you have of striking the balance between encapsulating the disposition of an angelic virgin and a well versed boudoir vixen when you accidentally run into a mid tier Merryl Lynch analyst. Have cocktail hour everynight with a new person who has more money than you, more attactive than you, and is in a better circle than you.

4. Excercise Life: Pilatays, Strip Tease Classes, Kegels in the corporate office, 50 ounces of water. Adderall. 5 hour energy. Excercise is a complicated pillar as it difficult to fit it in a sedentary corporate lifestyle and a barhopping socialclimbing schedule. But as a black man once said, its hard out there for a pimp, so if you have to go on the elliptical whilst intoxicated, so be it.

5. Me time. Reading Us weekly, getting pedicures, playing chess with my maid, memorizing the periodic table, shopping for chandeliers and glitter makeup, making my own sophisticated porn, giving dollars to homeless people who are playing music, making clever facebook albums, going to my  therapist, psychic, chiropractor, spiritual healer, and accountant, reading my credit card bills, memorizing new sex positions that make me seem different yet exotic, and brushing up on my existentialism and Russian Literature reading, or whatever it is that pleases you that make you a better lover, friend, person, and eventually a rich deliquent with a major debt to society indulge your free time in.
Stay medicated.

She works hard for the money

I was complaining to my maid about how much I hate work and how hard it is to keep track of my digital camera, my makeup and the 20 dollar bills that are scattered between my various sequined bag clutches purchased during the Bat Mitzvah era, and I realized something with the help of my newest member of my inner circle. A gorgeous park avenue bred well dressed french fluent  homosexual who is naturally my new best friend despite his o so au courant lifestyle of no drinking or drugs. Its hip Its fresh I love it it works for me.
The secret to success at work is low responsibility low stress high pay, drinks at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills after work.
These careers can be found in:
soft core erotic french porn subtitled
Background people dancing at the club in various up and coming hip hop videos
3rd wife with step children who are post toilet trained stage pre angst and need for anti depressants stage
Al queada
Reality TV

Approaching on Only Child Kingdom

Sister has left to be an Israeli Princess, Brother will soon be leaving to Join the Ivy League Rich Hipsters majoring in I spend a million dollars to dress homeless  and I am left with Mother and Father at Chez Cray.

I havent been an only child since the 80's and so I cant remember because of the blinding lights of studio 54 and the kilos of yay. What will I do with all of this attention, fame, fortune, and frusturation, besides using their respective bedrooms for croissants and afternoon sex, I will reflect on the sad reality that people, even in my family grow up, move on, and start on the journey on their own lives with me feeling left behind counting my xanax and wandering aroud feeling lost in my mid 20s with my chanel bag, chipped manicure, and slit wrists.

As the eldest child I have the intense responsibility of keeping the family together rendering me thoroughly incapable of having an orgasm due to this stress. Perhaps, since my siblings are intelligently moving away from childhood to adulthood, a concept I have still yet to grasp, I can follow in their footsteps, take my trust fund and invest in a new strip club where one can simultaneously invest in the volatile market and break free from the immense weight on my shoulders of keeping Wall Street and Fashion Week from colliding into my path of attempted great success.

Grinding or Seizing

I am looking for someone to please help me grind. I can tell you the relevance of Edward Hopper's Nighthawks by using words like a lonley portrayal of modern urban life- and make you believe I am a well educated art history major when in reality I came to class high and tried to blow my T.A, which got me on probation for half a semester. Grinding is not an undergraduate course that one can feign their way through. I look with envy upon my contemporaries who have mastered the art of intoxicated dry sex in dance form in public.

 For my grandparent generation readers, griding is the dancing in the club that consists of two people rubbing up against each other in rhythmic fashion to the beat of a Dub Step Remixed Michael Jackson.

I have looked up lessons on the internet to learn how to properly do this type of dancing without looking like an autistic moron.  Even though my mother paid my way into the School of American Ballet and I danced the part of solider number 6 from the 3rd to the 6th grade whilst high off of ritalin and nicotine, I still have not mastered the art of dancing in the club without people stopping to ask if I am having a seizure.
The requirements of my instructor are that they are fluent in French, Arabic, have spent at least 3 months on a stripper pole and have won the sand castle contest in Nantucket at least twice.
Is Grinding for Rich people? Whilst I doubt Kate Middleton grinds in public as the Brits dont get low- it seems that low intensity grinding is an essential component of the social climbing socialite looking to meet low tier merryl lynch executives in the clubs in the Hamptons/Palm BEach/ Cote D'azur/ off the coast of the Almafi Coast

Are you good in bed?

If you have to ask, you are not. Ipso facto, Id start screaming louder and getting tighter.

My theripast is a dumb cunt and heres why

As skinny, jewish and as rich she is, I am exing out my theripast as my future maid of honor for my third wedding- She is one dumb whore, who does not even have her M.D
I have been seeing her for the past decade, am by far her most favorite patient as I have a father who emails me plans for the opera in dates for the next 3 mos, calls all my friends fat fags, and every waiter south of Carnegie Hill has been personally assaulted by him.
I have a mother who has more twitter followers than P.Diddy,  stayed in bed for a week when Alexander Mcqueen died, has eyelashes longer than a tarantula.
When people ask why I am so medicated, I often remind them of the characteristics of the couple that gave birth to me and then they no longer ask questions.
That is why, my theripast, who said she was going to now charge me for emailing her my daily rants, is now on a serious probabtion which means that I am not going to see her for exactly 4 weeks. This means I will use the money that Father uses to pay her- to go to Jimmy Choo and get 6 bottles of prosecco. To me, that will probably do more therapy than she ever has.

Bouncers Do not take their job too seriously, in fact, its not serious enoough

The Bouncers: Some of the most powerful men who determine who is the upper crust of society and who is last years forgotten about NewYork Social Diary.

 There is no greater feeling other than giving a blow job to the CEO whilst capturing it on web cam for later black mail purposes, than getting into the Club, thereby showing the rest of the losers waiting online that you are better than they are.
Heres my issue, If a security guard is the sole determining factor of who is A list and who is not, that Houston, we have a much bigger problem. Security should never determine anything except for which gun is better to kill rapists and when to look the other way when a high roller brings drugs to the club.

The only factor that should determine who makes the cut of who is creme da la creme is your father's number on the Forbes List.
Back to Bouncers,
Bouncers are usually obese african american men, and the bigger they are and the blacker they are, the harder time you will have to get in. The ingredients of anorexia, push up bras, urban decay eyeliner, and long lash batting does not cut it because chances are you are not his type as he is more down for A carribbean Jennifer Lopez look alike with poor grammitical skills.
The Bouncer to the social climbing socialite, is the equivalent of Barack Obama's secret service- i.e without them you arent going anywhere.
Bouncers and secret service also have a lot of similarities. Both have earpieces, both are scarier if they are black, and both have walkie talkies and mutter phases like black eagle down.
The fact is Bouncers are a crucial part of the club experience because they keep the ugly fat and poor people out who are taking up tax money for their obesity, welfare, and overall unattractiveness.

Weekend Carry On

Glitter Lube
bracelets
prada belt
vitamins
terrorist guide book
porn
lipstick vibrator
mace
flashlight
codeine and purple syrup
dead animal carcase
fishbowl
rolling papers to spit out my orbit
french vogue
fergie's glamourous on repeat

BOCCE COURT IS SICK! -Father's email

Daughter and Personal secret agent's comment! Personal Secret Agent was victorious on the initial game between him, myself and daughter.

DIrected to the house manager:  While we had a gr8 time, we all agreed it looks "unfinished." daughter described it as looking like  "A GIANT LITTER BOX" about which we all laughed!  We all agree it needs some type of synthetic putting green covering.  We don't think the "shell thing" would work. Furthermore, the balls got really scratched up with the current surface. 

On another aspect of the court, perhaps we could put some kind of sun-roof over the ivy gap.  It is clearly dangerous while playing.

I am going back to NYC tomorrow night but will be here Friday midday for another week. Improving the surface of the bocce court should be done as soon as possible as it is clear this will be a huge source of enjoyment for the rest of the season.

-Father

Sorry Im not sorry for not partying

It has come to my short span attention that it is now in to be over it. All of the A listers can be found in the interviews of In STyle Magazine, listing how enjoyable it is to stay at home on saturday making cookies for their boyfriend slash puppy whilst watching Hitchcocked films.
My analysis is that they do not actually participate in these high school loser activities but instead enjoy getting plastered off of Veuve Cliquot whilst Dancing on tables on the Late Nello's in the Hamptons or at Bougie in London wearing herve leger dresses and spanx.
Ipso Facto, sorry Im not sorry for saying im not partying, but In reality, im going to party, you are just not invited, and for the In style Record, I was actually sitting at home reading War and Peace and memorizing my lines for my next indie Movie where I am donating my paycheck to junkie teenage mothers in Harlem who have the craving for ding dongs and marijuana.
Party On, stay medicated

what I learned from a Bulgarian Pancake

Part of leading a social climbing existence is having friends that require taking a plane to go see them. This requires money, airport security, and a valid I.D all which require an unnecessary amount of work to deal with.

Upon my travels to the nation's capital to visit my dearest liberal semi suicidal brunette ADHD lithium prescribed cultured skinny well dressed waspy hipster gal pal that I met at a concentration camp in Poland, I learned some valuable lessons from her Roommate's Bulgarian cat named Pancake. 

I am deathly allergic to cats and I learned that sneezing and red eyes make people think you have a coke problem, which is phenom, but sadly does not burn off calories of champagne. 

Naturally, I have to run away from this creature that is not purely bred nor properly vaccinated so I have to steer clear of this cat, the national symbol of old age, lonely -ness, and borderline insanity. 

This cat however is all up in my nantucket steel grill, which lead me to the conclusion that the way to make someone like you is to pretend to be deathly allergic to them or pretend that their presence makes you look and speak as if you have a drug problem, and trust the glitter therapist, they will come right to you and sit on your face and claw your back.

Thanks kitty. MEOW

Notes To my Fave Maid

In our home we communicate with the staff through notes:
Dear Maid P,
Please Do not buy the large containers of pasta from Dean and Deluca as I eat the entire thing rendering me incapable of jump starting my career as a Russian Czar Maxim Model and leaves me with a nasty stomach ache.
Please buy more highly filled protein salads, berries and greek yogurt, and the pasta is ok, just in smaller containers so I do not eat the entire thing rendering me incapable of becoming a 3rd wife and completing my exercises.
I love you so much you are my best friend in the whole world.
P.S I am finished with Cosmopolitan Magazine and The Economist, I left them on top of the chandelier on the 12th floor, you may take them home at your leisure xoxoxoxo

its 10 Pm and Do you know Where your Underwear is?

Panties is a word ruder than rude because there is no positive context. I asked one of my black gays if I could use the word and he said if I use it in a positive way, meaning a friend who is like a brother, than it is acceptable.
Back to my gucci main point, I often go without underwear not for the purpose of trying to start an erotic hypnotic uproar at the boom boom room, but because I am painfully lazy, my maids dont come into the pied a terre on the weekend untill Cocktail hour because mother feels bad for not giving the lower class of society an enjoyable weekend, which is ridiculous as the apartment looks like Studio 54 from the night before due to my, no I joke, my brother and sister's wildly sophisticated social life.

Ipso facto The laundry does not get done, I would do it myself, accept for that the one time I tried I nearly drowned and have taken the habit of using  my machine for storage of candy bar wrappers and for lying on top of when chilled in the apartment.
However, it is worthless to go out wearing expensive underwear as, I, yours truly, a proven slut with a sunny dispostion and a tendency to mix my prescriptions with my vodka, end up in what I believe to be a trendy neighborhood yet realize come morning/afternoon when I am thrown out  that Boulevard does not always mean wealthy.
It seems I am in a chronic split personality crisis of asserting my 21st century western woman sexuality with a willingness to fuck on the fly and my desperation to be a classy prized untouchable park avenue heiress and so far the former is winning. This knowledge renders necessary bi weekly psychiatric evaluations and very high la perla bills.

Lesson Learned. When the maids dont work, dont wear underwear, you do not need to lose your dignity along with your lingerie.

glittery Golf

On my quest to succeed in business without really trying-it appears that I need to learn how to give good blow jobs and play Golf.
I asked Father's partner, and by partner I mean a combination of sexual and business - the partner is a critically acclaimed Golf player who's children are the same age as his grandchildren and to the best of my knowledgem is in the market for a 3rd wife. My pure reason for inviting him. So with my stolen chanel bag twice over from mother to sister to me- my j crew ripped dress- my payless work pumped, my freshly slashed wrists, and my hair in a sweaty messy rich girl jappy pony tail- I was ready to learn to do business without trying and play Golf. Or since Im British- Gulf.

Here's what I learned from my Golf lesson- the sport is wildly sexual in a lot of ways. The position of the club when about to swing the ball looks like its going into your vagina, ipso facto I kill two birds with one stone

I bi curiously wonder though- does my new athletic stature as a golf heiress make me a borderline lesbian? Perhaps If I change the uniform of a painfully waspy Lily Pulitzer skirt and cap to a more sexy arabian Jasmine look, I can master the sport of the rich Businessman without dressing like an asshole or being called a lesbian.
And by the way Tiger Woods, I would blow you even though you are not white.

The lazy worthless rich kid generation

I find that most rich men are materialistic elitist mysogynistic alcoholic homophobic violent assholes who are really bad lovers. Ipso Facto dating between ages 18-45 in a big city with attractive people drives most people to seriously contemplate the consequences of throwing themselves off the brooklyn bridge.

Relationships in the generation of the lazy and worthless richkids look like an episode of the Jersey Shore meets the Hills, only with better vobcabularies and more xanax spiked bud light. There is no conversation, no poems, no dates, no courtship, no exchange of mutual interests and hobbies, no hand holding, and no wildly un stalkerish  behavior. (I facebook everyone I meet before I say hello)

THe recipe of relationships are as follows: Bar which leads to drinking which leads to grinding which leads to taxi which leads to makeout which leads to under the shirt action which leads to exchange of bbm pins only to repeat the following each weekend with more physical action, until the guy gets bored.

It is my quest to stop the madless of the lazy worthless rich kid dating recipe and bring us back to the olden Royal Days when wars happened and there was no electricity. The way this needs to happen is for women to stop sleeping with guys if they tell you- you are pretty. Take your insecurity up with your theripast and not your vagina.

Welcome to the Real World

Upenn graduating University, I realized it was time to embark on what everyone calls "The Real World". i.e the life we've been living without going to class and having our bills be paid for with our names on them instead of Father's. O and of course, pretending to lead a meaningful existence making powerpoints and wearing prada suits chanel briefcases sephora mascara and doubled adderal presciptions.

I was very much looking forward to this experience as I assumed that the Real world meant I would be entering the critically acclaimed MTV production of the television program the REAL WORLD, replete with drinking, drugs, hooking up and catfights. All of which I specialize in and can be further summarized in my cover letter and resume.

It seemed as though once I was thrown into my corporate office sauteed with an assistant a corner office with a 2 hour lunch break brought to you by Father who used to date the CEO in the 70's, it came to my short span attention that MTV lied, the real world, is very much unlike the real world, in which case I quit and am going back to my fantasy land.

I think there is nothing wrong with taking several months off in St Tropez on Grandfather's yacht to find myself by reading the bell jar, indulging on Acid Trips, mixing my medications, meditating, masturbating,  getting pedicures, and pretending I speak French.

Casey Anthony is proof that Party Girls always win: Americas Next Top Model

I typically have no idea what is happening in the news as I am usually in the spa or in my theripast' and frankly I do not care about current events unless a Sultan is looking for a wife and a new country to take over or my Father's taxes are lowered.
However, the case of Casey Anthony created a media frenzy that a social climbing socialite can like yours truly can only dream of. Now, she is set to fame and fortune and all she had to do was look hot and not speak.

Heres what I know: Some middle class skinny slutty party girl was molested as a child (who wasnt?) and made her crazy so she had a string of bad boyfriends (is there any other kind) and had a child and then it went missing and it looked like she killed her, which she probably did as children spill cocaine everywhere and get it mixed up in their play doh. (If thats not motive for murder than I do not know what is)Now the world is obsessed with her and I am so JEALOUS.

 As I sit in my own self loathing existence contemplating slitting my wrists and drowning myself in the toilet I have realized that there is another way to get money besides becoming the CEOS 3rd wife. Start an international media Frenzy by making up a Nanny and going to clubs without my child, who mysteriously winds up dead. (Fog Happnes)
Cut Casey some prada slacks, all she wanted to do was climb out of her middle class mundane existence and become a super star. And she had the perfect ingredients ranging from a troubled childhood to a great complexion to become the next it girl.
Sadly, she had a baby in the way and had to get rid of her as she felt she was keeping her from achieving her level of great success, more parties, more drugs, and more fun, and Lets be real, who could blame her? I have also been known to make up nannies and stories for my own amusement to the law enforcement and cant imagine I wouldnt have done the same thing in her position.

Casey, count your lucky platinum stars as you are destined for greatness and you no longer have to let motherhood slow you down. Do you wanna be on top? Shine on.

Marijuana: Diamond Value in A fake silver band

I know I am offensive to my generation with my utter disgust, distaste, and pure revulsion to weed. If something that is cheap, easy to get and induces hunger, and makes me lazy than I may as well hire a hooker.

Naturally Brother, the prince of Rodeo Drive has quality material but the way in which he smokes it, is in middle class paraphernalia. It would be as if you had a diamond ring in a plastic band, a private jet with a first time pilot, an Ivy League Class with  teaching assistant professor, and Isnt it Ironic Dont you think?

 Alas, tis the season to try new things and further bond with sister and brother, my prettier, more popular, more ivy league, more sexually advanced,  trust fund stealers whom I am convinced are only friends with me because my psychopharmocologist prescribes enough meds for the whole family. Family Values.

So I smoked, but glitter therapist style, whilst drinking Veuve, picking my eyebrows ( a tic I developed to cope with not getting into Princeton) and grinding with my stuffed animals listening to Usher Let it Burn.

Was it amazing? Well,  I was able to give better head and my jamaican accent was more authentic than usual, but would I do it again? Not unless the diamonds were in the platinum band.

Nan Fuck it- Damn it feels good to be a banker

4th of July weekend- synonomous with the tagline "proud to be an American with European Drinking habits and South American Drug tendencies" A sort of global clusterfuck conglomerate of celebrating our indepence with international party tricks.
Life Liberty and the Pursuit of Drug induced Happiness

So do I know what happened in 1776?  who signed the papers? wand why George Washington refused to be king rendering me incapable of ever being Princess? No, But Im proud to be an American where I can marry a gay, wear a cross whilst being Jew, scream about hating the president on the street, get xanxax, and pretend there is no racism.

Naturally Father was at Wimbledon with his personal secret agent, and Mother was promoting her jewlery line called Look at Me Im so Fabulous I cant stand it:

That leaves the generation of the offspring of the legitamite, Generation Rich and Worthless.
A weekend with no parents is essentially a weekend with parents. Boys in sear suckers and vineyard vines and girls with marlboro's and Lily Pulitzer all smoking marijuana and drinking wine trying to fight the sexual tension permeating from one trust fund baby to the next.

Soundtracks for the summer

Great Tracks to Masturbate to:
Oops O My Tweet Southern Hummingbird
Red Light Special TLC
Here we Go N SYNC
Sexy Can I Ray J



Phenom songs to Overdose to
Ayo for Yayo
Angel by Shaggy
Picture Kid Rock and Pam Anderson
Just like a Pill Pink
Champagne Life Neyo



Terrific Tunes to commit a terrorist conspiracy to:
BOB Outkast
When I grow up Pussycat Dolls
Survivor Destiny's Child



Songs to Grind up with your girlies to:
Ignition R Kelly
Jagged Edge where the party at
Last Dance Donna Summer