June Goals

Summer is upon us which means I can finally relax from my arduous schedule of picking which maid I like better and self mutilation. I also enjoy the summer as their are more excuses to drink during the day and not do anything. People are also more in the mood for sex and a new crop of drug dealers are thrown into the mix of the streets of Paris.
Here are my goals
1. punch holes into my vicodin and wear them as a necklace and claim its van cleef.
2. talk more about jesus in daily conversation
3. learn which hole is the proper one to stick my finger into
4. develop a diet of sawdust and cockroaches
5. learn to role a joint when entertaining male guests, as as long as they have money and a drinking problem and a strong backhand I allow for the consumption of weed of my significant blow job.
6. buy stock in evian
7. send my presentation to the FDA about the benefits of the legalization of heroin and send my own design of glitter rubber bands and syringe needles. The brand will be called, be your own heroin.
8. Have sex in the oval office on the same day as my playdate with Sash and Mal
9. Practice my witchcraft to turn my poop into money.

Picked up on the ferry

This gentleman who picked me up had a Boston accent which I thought was endearing until he was impressed by my apple computer which meant he was painfully middle class. He also used grammar of a homeless person and was too touchy feely for neither of us being wasted or being at a club.
Stranger, if you do not want to go down on me at the 4 seasons and then make me a belgian waffle in the morning or order one from Room Service, then you best be on your way.

I want a boyfriend because im sick of my Dad

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Nantucket by the Mayflower

Since I am essentially disabled and incapable without maid, driver, drug pusher (shrink), and my asian tutor, the fact that the jet to nantucket had to stop and lead me on a two hour ferry with 2 big dogs 2 bags and my uncanny highly unenviable lack of sense of direction meant that I was going to have to  immediately find a bathroom to masturbate and get high to calm my nerves and decompress with my dogs in the bathroom stall. 

On the ferry, there are no seats so I sit on my bags and smush my bananas that Nanny packed since I am incapable of boiling water and she was worried I would not find something to eat in the jet. I begin to mush the goo on my face to do a sort of cleansing mask to rid myself of the germs of the sea air. 

On the ferry, I am sea sick with no food and no champagne and silently pray to God that there is a rich trust fund wasp to make out with me and hold the dogs leash. 

I see three frat like alcoholics cheering for the hockey team but after 5 minutes of conversation, their lack of knowledge of Chekhov and french italian wines led me to the painful realization that they dont have money and alas I am forced to move on. 

Undocked Boats are not good for claustrophobic individuals with ADHD. Once the small talk conversation has come to a screeching halt at a party, you can excuse yourself on your cell phone to take a call to deal with business on Moscow. On a boat there is no escape, and thoughts of hurling yourself overboard float in and out of my percocet permeated brain. 

I see a hot guy with an innocent smile, so innocent for a moment I think he is a homosexual, but when I later see him at the grocery store with my cousins whilst I am holding breast milk and cat treats, he treats me like a gentleman which perhaps means that he is a figment of my imagination or a hallucination of some of the ex I took earlier. As there are no nice guys on Nantucket who work in finance on Boston unless they want sex from a blonde. 

When He offers to carry me off the boat with my bags I tell him no need and throw them down the stairs instead, to indicate that if he is trying to flirt with me or pick me up, he is dealing with a violent psycho. I should not be so quick to showcase my true colors and the crazy either come out in the bedroom or 5 years into the marriage at the dinner table, when I say by the way Baby, I have a serious childhood rape fantasy involving a white van and JonBenet Ramsey footage playing in the background. 

New Father quotes

Sister: Father I am allergic to the cat and dying we must give him to Senora, your Italian teacher

Father: You are dying? What about the cat? Im not just giving a cat away thats abusive, Im sorry, your tuberculosis sounding cough will surely improve with a mixture of vitamin C vicodin and Johnny Walker

Glitter Therapist: Father, my doctor says I need to stop taking asprin.

Father: Switch Doctors, he's moronic. Asprin is the best thing invented.

Glitter Therapist: He said it makes you bleed internally.

Father: That it does.

Father:  Did someone eat the chicken from Citerella that I got for the Dogs? They only make this once a month.

What I think about whilst Im having sex

if i took my vitamins

where I want to go to brunch tomorrow

If I should give equal Christmas tips to the maid or tip them accordingly based on their performance 

If it would be hot if I started speaking Spanish

If I should tell him that im filming

If my shrink would think I was taking control of my sexuality and not objectifying myself

If I wake him up with a blow job would that either provide insurance to a 2nd date to the opera slash a yankees red sox game or slutty status 

When I should bring up my problem of obsessive psycho stalking after I sleep with men even if the sex was a solid c plus 

If I practiced the piano

If my parents would be proud

I met the worst girl ive ever met last night: take your tiara off you look like you have a syndrome

So as long as you are gorgeous, well dressed, skinny, brunette and come from a family with an impressive last name, I will love you, or so I believed.
This girl fit all of this criteria but for some reason that only Satan knows she took an immediate dislike to me, which bamboozle confuses me forever. Im a hoot and and a half and probably the best thing that ever happened to you.

I wont use the term bitch as Im well bred like a horse, but just so you and I know, thats what she was.

 Her attitude, her patronizing condescending tone, and her beyond obscenely obnoxiously loud whispering to her friend - when I made loud screeching histrionics to illustrate and hone in an important point that I was making lead me to an important realization.

One can may be able to button prada suit, graduate with a Cornell degree using asian tutors and adderall, operate a hair straightener and urban decay eyeliner, But if you cant at least feign proper  cocktail party decorum, then my wish for you is your house to go into foreclosure, your cocaine to be laced with baby laxatives and baking soda, and your husband to be an obese bisexual mulatto liberal.

C U (nt) At the St. Regis dahling. And next time you come around with that cheap white trash attitude and judgemental glare with your color contacts, Ill have my body guard and rhinestone encrusted 9 milly ready.

Nanny makes me wear a sweater

Since Im 24 ish, I am as perky as Im going to be, and so I like to dress to showcase my ticket to a rich husband. However, Nanny told me it was cold and insisted I wear mother's versace 1988 sweater lest I catch pamoonya. I did not get fingered.

Whilst in a group hang and you dont want to appear out of borough

do not chew gum
do not talk about cocaine
do not pretend you dont come from a wealthy family
do not act easy
do not ask the waitress to put salt on just one side of your marg
do not wear underwear
do not talk about club promoters
do not wear flats and leggings
do not speak and end sentences with a question mark
do not order bud light
do not talk about how much you love city life
do not pretend you know the difference between private equity and hedgefund
do not get sloppy and not be able to stand up, Ive done this which resulted in a personal exit from the body guard in Provacateur

As for my Xanax? I found it Sorry Brah

Brother, Sorry I screamed at you in front of all of your friends for stealing my meds. I A. first of all really enjoy putting on a phenom performance and practicing my Stella Adler Acting skills and B. The notion of missing pills is like a prude thinking she is pregnant which is why I was sent into such a tizzy in the first place. I knew mother hadn't stolen them for obvious reasons, and maid does not know the difference between aspirin and adderall. Ipso facto, missing pills, my law and order detective skills point to druggy rich kid attractive baby brother. 

 I found it in my bat mitzvah coach purse. But you and your bitties still drank all my fresca, ate all of my smart start and caviar, and my dark chocolate covered pretzels.

Sorry I accused you. I just need my pills. Ill see you at Harry Cipriani's tomorrow and I'll buy you a Bellinni on me (Father).

Tenjune Tuesdays Next week? Usual Table? You may be a materialistic elitist angry pothead sociopath, but lets be real, as Brown nanny number 6 used to say, it takes one to know one. 

 See you there Kid, 

Bridesmaids Film Everyone wants a best friend like Helen: Spoiled Alert

I would say Bridesmaids is arguably the best chick flick of this century as it accurately portrays friendships of women of all weights and socioecnomic classes along with their slutty alcoholic sex less married and single lives.

Helen is the girl you want to hate, perfect life, perfect body, hot rich husband who is always "away on business"  and lots of free time for pilatays and planning parties. 

Who wouldn’t want a best friend who kisses you on both cheeks, gives a phenom wedding toast and randomly plans a trip to paris. Who cares of her saccharine personality is the result of a xanax scotch mixture sautéed with the utter desperation of trying to convince the world of her seemingly perfect existence. I dont. Why? Because she is hot and is dating the boss who knows of several young men at his firm who want a skinny wanna be social climbing socialite to take to parties and on diamond encrusted yachts to the South of the Mediterranean. 

.Don’t worry rich spoiled obnoxious best friends, I love you and Im always down for Paris and first class travel. 

My Brother Stole My Xanax and then threw a party

not only is he a self entitled materialistic chuck bass, but he is greedy and steals my prescriptions which is not even amusing as my prescriptions are my children. Unacceptable I need my xanax to function. How can I be expected to be a creative genius with no real skills except for getting dinner reservations and a background of 16 shrinks without my xanax and zyrtex and xylophone? O hell to the no.

Brother I assume needed them to share with his wanna be Serena and Blair's, and  truth be told, these women are trashier versions of the Olsen Twins sauteed with dumber conversation topics than the real housewives of New Jersey. I fear for the new and upcoming college freshman. I believe their diet pills and and cheap vodka has deeply affected their I.Q
Brother had a party and these are the type of women of whom he matriculates:  May you all blackout and never wake up

Omg ur dogs are soo cute this is such a cute house... Can we smoke a Jay?

So Like, at school they gave us 15 dollars and they told us we could keep it or give it to charity. The 3 of us kept ours..we needed cigarettes after school.

Your mom is like way thin.

Do you still need a summer internship? My dad can so totally hook you up. He like runs shit.

Are we still doing Hamptons for Memorial Day weekend? My step mom said we could have the house?
Wait whats memorial Day even celebrate? Is that like memorial of veterans?

I dont know dude pass the Jay.

Luckily I still have ambien and there was some backwash and smirnoff left over, as I could not listen to anymore.

Private All Girl School is just a euphemism for psych ward

Apparently, the more money parents (fathers) pay for their children to matriculate private institutions, the more control they have over their cummings and goings and overall experience at the school. You pay, you rule, which is why most kids at public schools who's parents have such little control over how heavy the backpacks are result in early onset hunch back of notre dame syndrome and are angrier from having to bear the stress of all the heavy non designer textbooks. 

 Some upper east side mothers were complaining that their daugher's balanciaga backbacks were too heavily straining their childs anorexic shoulders and rendering them incapable of participating in this Christmas' rendition of the profound highly erotic Nutcracker.

The backpack issue was resolved during tea time at the president of the school's house. The resolution was that backpacks were to be kept in lockers during school hours and the teachers must assign significantly less homework and the parents must hire more asian-y more expensive tutors. 

appalled alarmed and personally offended when you

do not respond to texts within 60 seconds

do not finish sexually

talk about Dada ism. it was an offensive period in the art world and should be removed. 

think jamming fingers into vag is hot foreplay.

talk about global warming, 911 conspiracies, and health care, liberal myths are not interesting

dont drink at lunch

comment on my bloody legs, I have severe anxiety that I will run out of mood stabilizers or will come across a bar that does not take amex. these issues cause me to scratch legs. I dont inquire about your liberal cellulite middle class vegan existence. 

claim you have a great marriage especially when we have the same hairdresser

claim you are really busy

insist on acting out rape fantasies 

tell me im not that funny

think you have a better driver

talk about club promoters other than myself

reference the Kardashians

have cocaine pouring out of nostrils and did not even offer for the rest of the group

Disaster cleaning

I do not know how to clean as I cannot tell the dustbuster from my syringe. Sadly I have to clean by myself to move out of the southern 3rd world and back to my pied a terre in Paris.
I stepped on a lightbulb which made my foot bleed uncontrollably and I am fairly certain there is glass still in my foot. Instead of seeing a doctor I decided a glass foot like glass slipper is very modern cinderella and the pain reminds me never to clean. My time is much better spent on perezhilton or bothering my parents at their places of business or growing my own line of designer drugs.
See you at the St Regis

I stalk men who tell me Im pretty

Confuse me. Intro seduce me. Cut to bar scene. Cut to me nearly blacked out as I am tripping on a xanax bar and have had three belvedere diet red bulls with dressing on the side. Spotted. Cute boy. Im drunk, Im so mad at my friends have left and one waspy lanky east coast well dressed republican inner circle member told me I was engaging in a psychological warfare with her and ipso facto no loner wanted to be friends.

Well thats just fine because as the critically acclaimed Keri Hilson says "Girls think im conceited cause I know Im attractive". So deep.

Anyway, Target, the man, not the heinous department store to which I meet most of my friends,  had a Michael Kors watch and nantucket red pants. Trust Fund. Violent. Ejaculation Issues. Insecure. Baby, its just my type.
Cut to my apartment. He didnt pay for the cab. Dont know if its worse that he doesnt have a driver or I had to use my amex.
Makeout. Pants off. Sweater Remains on. Thats weird. Either hes too drunk to take my sweater off or this is his first post grad hook up. Regardless he told me a story about his yacht which got me so turned on I had to go down on him but not finish in my mouth as naturally I am on le diet.

Next Day I text incessantly everyday "where are you what are you doing lets be in a facebook relationship".
Apparently this attacking forward borderline stalker obsessive calling texting is not the way to land a violent wasp as he un twitter followed me and told me he wants to just be friends.

Family Dinner Topics

Amongst spending time with family this weekend I was able through quiet reflection reflect upon the typical topics of discussion that occur at the table whilst getting wasted on Jordan wine, a wine that Nancy Reagan only drank

cholestrol
nantucket restaurants
fashion week
how long we have to wait before parents die so that sister brother and I  get our money and whether or not it is split evenly down to the last dime
gay friends
people in our lives that are not white but have money
Father's right hand man who is a great tennis player
I asked Grandfather what kind of porn he liked but he pretended not to hear the question

Getting my Degree in Comparative Literature and Chanel

Graduation: So it happened. Diploma received by thin ice. After mass suicide attempts, therapy sessions, threats of incomplete work and finals untaken on the principle that I could not be bothered to show up as there were re runs of I LOVE LUCY I once again slipped through the crack and got a degree in something wildly liberal and un useful. Comparative literature. Why? It sounds rich and no one will bother to ask you what it means. I plan on marrying well and living off my trust fund comparing Fitzgerald to Kierkgaard all day long whilst drunk on veuve.

Grandmother and Grandfather also came to watch me receive my diploma in chanel as I am their most favorite most prized first born flesh and blood grandchild but sadly they realized the only honors I was receiving was actual cum.

Apparently Father had some quality advice of his own as he knows better than yours truly that I dont ever listen to advice that involves going forth into the world and making an intellectual impact on society. Its quite clear that my legacy will look less nobel peace prize esque and more she is nice to the maids, is a phenom step mum, and has mastered the art of cocktail party talk with people whom you silently wish a slow and silent painful death upon.


Father was morally offended that the champagne and strawberries celebration was not in fact champagne but cheap australian wine and claimed that it is illegal to have signs around calling it champagne and was concerned for the pseudo ivy leauge institutions's legal fees.

And of course, I was reminded that nothing is more important than Ronald Reagan family values. which reminds me that I need money.

Shopping without Mummy

I do not shop without Mother as I am usually too medicated and careless and lazy and indulgent to know the difference between effortlessly chic and trashy slut that is trying too hard. Luckily, the women in my family  provide assistance as they have mastered this discrepancy so that I am dressed appropriately whilst dirty dancing in the club or having tea with the head chair at the MOMA.

 Shopping, something I hate as I cannot stand to be harassed by saleswomen who think they know my life and can solve my problems with a Balenciaga clutch. Unless they have drugs or a single wealthy brother with violent tendencies and a drinking problem, then I ask that you please leave me alone and let me spend my own father's money in peace. Alas. I stumbled upon a fairly priced 2500 dollar dress.

Mother, much to my dismay was in a meeting and I tried to get her off the phone with Dolce and Gabbanna but she could not and I was told I would be called back. Even though mother is the Queen, I do not wait to be called back. I needed answers immediately and an insatiable craving for tasti delite and my syringe was emerging. I was left with no choice but to  BBM Doctor.

I BBMed a photo of me in the dress to Doctor, who I assume was just pleased that  I wasn't sending her a naked photo of myself like I did last week as I had recently found some cellulite below my ass and wanted to send her a photo to explain why I had recently tried to hang myself in the closet.
She informed me that the dress was beautiful and it brought out my personality, a reflection of the work that we had done together and the shopping trip alone was a symbol of my newfound independence, a woman on the brink of adulthood and sexual awakening.
Thanks for the advice doctor.
See you on the couch, and do me a favor and fire your interior decorator.

Skipping Beach week HIV positive I made the right call

Upon finishing matriculation at university where 4 years were spent mastering the art of making asians take my exams and convincing fraternities to fill keg stands with veuve clicquot, I have come to the realization that I have made a long lasting impression..on myself and perhaps one or two others, meaning my shrink and my mum.

So, whilst the kegs will probably never be filled with veuve, a task Ive left future social climbing socialites to accomplish, this failure perhaps serves to reminds me that I should not be fraternizing with fraternities in the first place.

Whilst most of my contemporaries went off to the beach to get drunk and solidify their STD's I stayed in the spa and indulged in some quiet reflection and came to the conclusion that I am most definitely unable to function without concerta and gin. 

Here is what I accomplished.

Made friends with the garbage men of my dorm facility as I accidentally threw out the Chanel  headpiece that Kate Middleton lent me and slit my wrists even harder than normal over my all to frequent irresponsibility. Luckily, whilst searching through the Garbage, we found the headpiece and then I immediately had to pour michael kors perfume all over myself. 

I dont make it a habit to befriend those not of my race nor so far below my socioeconomic class, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and the fact is the working class is good for something as I found my Chanel headband.
Because Karma is rather nawsty, I knew I had to do something nice so I bought my new garbage friend a bottle of Henessey and skinny cigarettes as a gift. I often see him smoking disgusting marlboro's and hopefully his new virginia slims will convince him to start taking up chicer habits. and perhaps one day in the near future, I will see him at the club. 

Grade A songs to give head to Dayenu

Upon quiet reflection I have come to the understanding that men will do anything for women who give them a perfect blow job. Ipso facto, in order to drown out the rather dreadful noises of your own saliva and his groans or lack thereof, may I suggest some quality tunes to further enhance the performance. 

One can never go wrong with a black R & B soulful jam from the 90's but these are also quality choices.

1.  Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry 

2. Ayo for Yayo by Andre Nickatina 

3. Glamourous by Fergie

4. Dayenu The passover song (It would have been enough) This does not work for Men of Islamic and or Egyptian descent

5. The cha cha slide  

5. 

I dont like to do anything

I have to bring my TV to UPS and get a graduation dress and pack my bags and hire someone to clean my room and pack my bowl and get my Christian Loubs fixed.

Bloody Red Flags

Princesses, I have been finger fucked by many a self obsessed mother hating alcoholic mysogynist medium to small sized trust fund bro. who may or may not have an asian fetish and OCD

There is a difference between trust find bros and Trust Fund MEN. Trust bro's are those disgusting under 25 waspy frat stars who think they are god's gift to women because they buy coke with their Dad's money, have flat abs and think its cool to not go down on women.



Here is what to look out for to prevent future crying spells that are better used for your acting class to impress the director
and wasted therapy sessions that are better spent on a nice bottle of champagne and half off Jimmy Choo's,

A Voila
1. Complaints over half shaved vagina.  NO! he should be happy that at least you tried, and if he is into the completely bare bedazzled look all of the time he is not only a feared trust fund bro, but a pedophile

2. Insists on Blow Jobs before jewels. NEVER GO BELOW THE BELT before he buys you things unless you want him to think you were raised in the suburbs and are not well bred. How are you going to separate yourself from other middle class well toned social climbing sluts if you dont wait before putting out and  instead go home early and take an ambien?

3.Only contacts you whilst he is intoxicated. Im all for doing away with sobriety entirely, but not when the Prince is pursuing the princess. After the pursuing, than by all means wake up to a bottle of Jack.

4. He used to date your Mummy. I cannot tell you how many of Mother's old boyfriends have pursued me and sister as we are as close to the Queen herself but younger and single. Whilst Im flattered that I am compared to Mummy I have to get all Carrie Bradshaw on your ass and not help but wonder...

 Do I really want someone to be inside me whom I have come out of? *This does not apply to adopted children.

5.  He does not call you. Him not calling you is not an invitation to go into his apartment and take off all of your clothes and sit on his bed and wait for him to come home.  Whoops.

Reverend. Meet Father

I wholeheartedly apologize but face it father, you are Jewish.
Upon my sophomoric matriculation at this pseudo ivy league institution I was on the brink of overboard self mutilation. I sought guidance from xanax and dark chocolate lube and the rabbi who are now offering me and my family champagne to say goodbye as I return back to my pied a tierre at the Crion in Paris where I belong.
Father said we are not going to the Rabbi's.
However, I must thank the kind jews for helping me retain my sanity throughout my matriculation as a student and by trying to show me that my ancestors of the chosen people are good for more than having a ton of money and not sharing it.
 Ipso facto  I will tell Father we are meeting the Reverend and his wife.
Jesus loves us all. With God all things are possible.
I hope he is not distracted by the hallah and the beards.

Does ritalin go bad? And other plaguing questions

I recently have come across some Ritalin that my cousin used to take at Harvard Law in the 70's and Im in a slutty decision making parent hating racist alcoholic bulimic angry self loathing social climbing sort of mood.
I think im going to trip. See you at the St. Regis.

I dont even know who I am anymore

My apologies for my blog break. When I do not blog I feel that I have lost of all of life's purpose. I have also just realized that if Obama wins the election in 2012 my trust fund is cut even further which is why I have come to the realization that white people made in the 70's black power leads to less money.

 Ive been extremely exhausted due to my own concoction of adderall klonopin binges, which keep me half sane during final examination period. Its a crying shame that I abuse my body in this way, when the boys that I am hooking up with can easily abuse it for me and my asian tutor takes my exam for me anyway.
Its hard out here for a pimp.
But im Back, blogging is my soul. by heart. Exams are the worst time. I dont even have time to properly masturbate to my expensive porn or floss. Thank goodness exams are over and I go back to my routine of regular mood stabilizers and chelsea lately.

Osama is dead

I wish I could take responsibility for this even though I dont know who this is.

waking up is hard to do, waking up hard is harder

Truth, but dont wake me up, It took me hours for my ambien to kick in and now that it has I need the full 8 hours of sleep in order to productively shop online and bother my parents in their places of business.

I am more than ok with you pulling out this months playboy to help you fall asleep. As long as you are masturbating to a well educated well travelled tattoo less women with strong christian values without daddy issues or drug abuse problems, then I do not have any qualms.

Relax Baby, Im here to help

Need assistance in managing your stock portfolio, your chronic desire to do the right thing, Pre Algebra, black culture, commercial travel, toothpaste, beer, and underpants I suggest you take your concerns else where as I know nothing about these matters.

On the other hand I am more than happy to help you
determine the classiest drug to overdose on
pick some phenom expensive soft core porn
work through dealing with non elitist people
develop your ability to write with your non dominant hand
use caviar as lube
fire maids without actual fire
spread bacne to your enemies
start a rumor that your high school prom queen is a bastard child

I poisoned him because he didnt tell me I was pretty..He had it coming

Everything I needed to know I learned in a Broadway Musical. 

 

Life sucks when you have no money and have AIDS (Rent)

Everything can be solved with a rich old man (Annie)

Every family has a sketchy uncle who is plotting your death (The Lion King) 

Cats are disgusting (Cats)

Wash that man, ipso facto that cum, right out of your hair (South Pacific) 

And of course... the ladies in Chicago who are in jail for killing their husbands and there defense was they Had it coming.

Gentlemen, I am not going to blow you or "accidentally text your friends" about what a big dick you have if you dont tell me Im pretty, write on my all all the time, and take me to lots of expensive restaurants whilst telling me tales of your yacht and cigars and your money that you spend on helping blind kids n shit. 

If you dont call me every 5 minutes and tell me Im the girl that changed your life and how different I am, than dont be shocked when your scotch tastes like Bleach or you suddenly find yourself buried alive in a coffin AIDA slash Double Jeopardy Ashley Judd style. 

Love you so much you are my new best friend muah muah mauh 

Who knew about the War in Iraq in 2003

OutKast. B.O.B Bombs over Baghdad

next time we should ask these brothers we are planning on next legally invading a country.

May Objectives: slitting my wrists in the shape of Chanel C's

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