what I typically talk about on dates Throwback Thursday

Glad to See not much has Changed From December 2010. 

Alas,

Here was my list of what I talked about on Dates, and Im thrilled to continue to seek my own advice. 

I discuss:
my therapists, 

people I know who are Celebrities 

my hatred of vitamins, 

my friend who is a policeman

opera, 

MY core Ronald reagan family values

My Asbergers

That NaTO after World War Two Was OBSOLETE

the fact that I like to lick the back of the balls, 

my dream of owning an aquarium in the Middle East, 

foreign porn, 

my doormen,

 Vogue Racism,

 veuve cliquot, 

people who I know who are controlled alcoholics, 

Ari from entourage 

 dark chocolate.

13 things to be Happy about BuzFed On Valium and Washed up Aspirations

1. Adderal RedBull MarlBoro Lights and In style  can all be purchased at Duane Reade

2. Stealing From Bergdorf's can be orchestrated with a simple pull of a fire alarm, a large suitcase and a Bored yet comfortable poker Face

3. There are people's who make it their life's work to make Cool Instagrams whilst simultaneously contemplating how to break into the Oval and Gangbang the President

4. Excessive Consumption of Caviar, Salad Nicoise, Goldman Sachs Jizz, Cote de Rhone and half a roofie is the potion for unlocking a hidden bank account off the coast of the Mediterranean.

5. You can give yourself an abortion

6. The aquarium on Rue de Arondissmemt Left Bank Angelique  has a peaceful calming effect on the psyche

7. Ariana Grande has to push all of her dolls off her canopy before she masturbates

8. The Lehman Brothers and Brooks Brothers are in the midst of creating a Musical  called Drunk Sharp Brokers who Fell starring Ann Hathaway as the leading lady

9. Even if you having a typical wrist slitting finger banging cocaine snorting manic isolationist throw yourself off the penthouse in Van Cleef kind of week, you can always recognize this fact, and that while feelings arent facts, you can always go on Etsy or call your father.

10. Brazilian waxes make you look less liberal and hide your bridge and tunnel upbringing

11. Forever 21 is coming out with a new Fragrance designed specifically to hide the stench of nicotine and desperation called Frigid Delicious Prude

12. Your boss goes to strip clubs and gets off to expensive porn with confusing plot line

13. Everyone agrees that your monologue on how much you love your life is not only Boring and Ray-tarted- but replete with lies and dysfunctional childhood issues that manifest in aggressive violence in the bedroom which is only chic if you make over 200K

Rate your Burn Removed this AGAIN

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Back Row Siberia Spinning

I have been told that this medium has been too much Soul Cycle these past few months, but I never lie unless I apologize and Ipso Facto, my  bleak  yet manic yet disturbed soul with no hope in the foreseeable future of maintaining any kind existence that isn't a drug addict currently consists of going to the pharmacy, soul cycle, the spa, the black market,  the psychic, the office and back to the pharmacy again, it is my very own twisted cocaine encrusted version of the Gym Tan Laundry, but would never do any of those things without the assistance of my nanny.

Alas, I have come to the painstaking realization that where you are seated is everything, there is nothing more painful than being seated in the backroom at Harry Cipprianni's like some sort of middle aged bridge and tunnel has-been who used to model for Barbizon.

Neverthemore, my client, a member of my inner circle, a blonde wealthy gorgeous  contemporary with hipbones that could cut glass and a mind sharper than my knives used to slash the help- with a penchant for unique jewelry and cutting edge profound fashion sense, accompanied me to spin to the Turkish Model class in the AM, since of course, she has more to do with her evening than fervently stalk exercise instructors with morbid fascination-  such as entertaining low tier ambassadors and running marathons for malaria infested elephants, unlike yours pseudo truly, who's evening activities include masturbating to my dwindling stock portfolio and chainsmoking with the Super, Mein Kemph in hand, which is what brought me to soul cycle in the first place- my vapid existence.

Ipso Facto sitting in the back was arguably an experience more horrible than sitting in Coach from JFK to Abu Dhabi with nothing to read but Gay Porn and Town and Country, as I felt completely forgotten about  and neglected like a middle child with acne and early tourette syndrome, During class I need to be physically coddled and receive the love I never had from my current boyfriend who beats me but I like it because I get a rolex after.

Most essentially, what I hated the most was that I could not see what was occurring in front of me, the reason I come to class, which rendered me incapable of experiencing the magic of the transformative power of the soul which is finding truth and power and the courage to work as hard as you can for yourself without an intern sauteed in the disillusioned reality that you lead a fraudulent existence and are spinning to nowhere yet somehow come out stronger, better, and  more connected to God and Money.

I will see you all  at the St. Regis. Front and Center.

Daily Accomplishments

1. Was not a cunt to my doorman
2. Practiced my Spanish with my drug dealer and learned how to properly ask about the government

3. Federal Expressed my klonopin to my Cousin and taught her how to give a hand job

4. Learned all of the arias in Turandot

5.  Found some of Emily Dickinson's manuscripts in my basement and will use them to snort cocaine at my next charity event where the requirement is that everyone dress up as their favorite deranged literary character

6. Said the serenity prayer before walking out of Bergdorf's with new Louboutins sans paying

7. Discussed the impending downfall of the relationship with my current love interest, a mid-tier Broker at the Late Lehman Brothers, as his home in Malibu has bad lighting and no showtime. He also suffers from crocodile dysfunction and has Romanian twin girls that he hasnt spoken to since The clinton administration.

Dont talk about the weather unless you killed your wife in the rain

Alas, I was on the elevator this morning on my way to Work at the Olsen and Olsen Mystery Agency for people who cant read Good, and want to model- when some disgusting blue collar Spanish man asked me if I was still cold because I refuse to wear gloves and hats on the principle that I would rather spend money on blow.

So Senator, So Janitor, I would truly madly deeply savage Garden rawther drink paint which I do anyway than discuss the temperature, unless of course, you killed your wife or committed a felony with a twisted sexual undertone in the rain.

See you at the St. Regis

Bedazzled in Platinum Rolls Royce Resume

Objective: High class hooker socialite who carries a gun which has a pocket for cocaine and orbit gum who infiltrates underground gambling rings and who who dabbles in sophisticated foreign child porn, does public relations for the mafia and the black market for obsolete organs and stolen antiques as residue from terrorist attacks in art gallery's, and elegantly raps about the volatile stock market and Johnny Walker Black ultimately creating an Opera inspired from Nas and Mozart: Cosi Fan Date Rape.

Name: Glitter Therapy

Address: The Suite Whitney Houston Drowned herself in in the Beverly Hilton for 6 months and from Memorial weekend to Columbus weekend 72 Further Lane East Hampton New York 90210;

Education: Rosay Boarding School, 6 semesters of Amherst with a major in Art History with a focus on Ed Hopper and Georgia O'Vagina and a double Minor in Homicide and Rodeo Drive Geography.

Languages Spoken: Conversationally fluent in French, Arabic, Italian, and English in a highly inflected sophisticated articulation that sounds foreign when in actuality I sound like I have a speech impediment. I can also say I give phenom head in 15 european languages.

Skills: Chainsmoking, masturbating to mergers and Aquisitions, cooking bongs for jacuzzi sessions, Social climbing, drinking wine and commenting on its oakiness, acquiring exotic pets,  sharpening knives, making restaurant recommendations, creating art out of Oil paint and period blood, stealing from CVS, making friends with my Coke Dealer's- I am actually giving the Eulogy to Val's Brother tomorrow. RIP Brother,  filtering photos on instagram, waiting outside Karl Lagerfeld's and Lebron's apartment to casually run into them,  deciphering the super wealthy from the semi wealthy, breaking into safes, reading people's text messages, twisted manipulation to get a Celine Bag and A minus on my philosophy final by writing Nothing is real, talking about Opera, swimming in the children's pool, talking to people about their dogs. 

Sex and The Soul Cycle: Let Soul be thy Medicine and Medicine be thy Soul.

Alas, I came to the painstaking realization that my aspirations of orchestrating an asian Gang Bang in the soul cycle showers, may come to a screeching halt, as my erotic neurotic obsession of having casual sex with every white spin instructor will not be fulfilled because of my asbergers.  For Now. Perhaps when the spells I have cast dripped in swiss francs and nutella manifest into full form, my waspy wiccan charms will have taken over and will be in the hands of Obama and Aphrodite. Shudder re Liberals. 

But let us press pause for a nano, as life outside of soul cycle and meetings with my parole officer are essentially non existent, I pose the critical question that all manic alcoholic ivy league educated  20 something divorcees with a penchant for diamonds liquid assets and vogue magazine ask, Where am I going to meet someone as hot as myself outside le Soul and Parole officer's dirty office reminiscent of an 80s project pre Rudi Guillianni?  As a Side note, I did give a handjob to my P.O to get 14 hours removed off of my 499 hour community service sentence due to my refusal to respect Bergdorf's strict adherence to no meth smoking on the 5th floor in front of the Alexander McQueen Gowns. Bastards. 

Ipso facto, I met a Persian Prince of whom was sitting on the side bar swag and I could immediately tell he had money due to his push up form and heavy enthusiasm in Beyonce. I approached him after class to spit my flirty yet manic yet deranged yet respectable yet disturbing yet awkward yet borderline illegal harrassment-arrondissment to tell him I loved his style, to which he replied, I am actually an instructor but got fired for being too ostentatious.  I had not been more soaked since I had heard that the Concorde was coming back or when Ann Coulter said she liked my dress. 

I could tell from his magnetic confidence and unbashed refusal to make small talk that he was the type where we could have French 75's Downtown Cippriani's and have dry sex in the Uber and ride next to each other in future upcoming classes sans discomfort knowing that we had made a deep long lasting connection purely on the mutual fund agreement that Soul Cycle Corporate has serious self obsession delusional issues to the point at which they are confused as to Why they do not have a corner table at the United Nations in between Jerusalem and General Counsel. 

Follow the Fact Pattern with my Cum Stained Baccarat Magnifying Glass

1. Brunch of Choice: Cote de Rhone De Klonopin. Eggs Over Yeezus 

2. Well Mannered Cunt with Phenom Restaurant Recommendations: Cippriannis, Le Bernadin, the 4 seasons, La Grenouille, Daniel, and Yura

3. Sources of Inspiration: Proust and Chekov Hitler Hippocrates Ann Coulter Lauren Conrad Greta Van Susteran Dr. Oz and the interns at the Columbian Cartel

4. In my spare time I write toasts for parties and weddings so at the spur of the moment I can say something deep and meaningful to showcase our vapid drunken friendship.

5. I pretend I know your boss from Childhood when you tell me you are a low tier analyst at J.P Morgan

6. I have friends of all races, shapes sizes and walks of runway life and thus I take pictures with them on Facebook to prove my rampant unracism and respect for other cultures to create the illusion of a United Nations Facebook page


7. I pretend I know the bouncer when I walk into the club and ask how the children are and kiss them twice


8. I end every text in French with bisous bisous, emoticons are for peasants who lack creativity and a foundation in Ian vy League education


9. I only speak to my dad in Italian to allow my Elecktra complex to fully manifest


10. If the nail salon wont let my standard poodles in then I immediately take my business elsewhere and sell stocks and threaten to murder them via platforms of Yelp and Court ordered subpoenas drafted by yours truly

11. If you try to fuck me before paying for dinner and or a weekend in Paris-I assume you were raised in a trailer with bad lighting and no cable.

12. I only watch films with subtitles and purposely have never scene films that define our generation
13. I use French 75 cocktails as lube
14. I use the phrases personal investments and Mergers and Aquizzisitions to feign my sense of corporate finance  and it started in the roots of Christianity in bar conversation

Fancy Slash Asbergers as Fuck: Things I need to do immediately

Create a Tasti Delite Franchise in Juan Les Pins, Cote D'Azur, Istanbul, Abu Dhabi, Nantucket, St Tropez and Murray Hill that has klonopin and Mali in the toppings section. 

Orchestrate an Asian Gang Bang in the Shower at Soul Cycle

Update my 13 fake facebook accounts with more statuses replete with racial slurs, quotes from the old Testament and references to any of my  connections in an underground gambling ring in Harlem run my nearest and Dearest and friend Lava, as I am most recently trying to become HUGE in the Lower East Side Graffiti Art Scene to showcase my eclectic tastes in Graffiti Politics and to demonstrate that I am not as much as a vapid cunt as the voices in my head scream in Soprano.

Bedazzle my Koran

Start an orphanage for attractive children in Romania 

acquire more Neo Nazi Paraphernalia to decorate my office

Tell Con Edison to Come back with a warrant 

Masturbate to the surging Economy in China and West Palm Beach 

Work with the Metropolitan Opera and MurderInc  and the Lion King's Julie Taymour in to a new Opera Production called Die Fledermaus and Date Rape,  

My Bong fell out of My Chanel at Narcotics Anonymous

My psychic (derekcalibre.com) believes I need to spend more time at Narcotics Anonymous to address my maddening yet amusing addiction to crystal meth and vodka soda. I repeatedly explain to him it is simply because I am bored, but I have entertained the notion of attending these meetings in the hopes that I can social climb with an anorexic teen Starlet to assist me in getting VIP access into the club.

Alas, Last weekend I was in a meeting and manically brush my hair and furiously fidget to the point of a fancy well mannered tourette like twitch to draw necessary attention to myself- and my bong lit tra lay fell out of my purse, and to which I proceeded to feign ignorance and amnesia and left it on the floor during the session.

10th Grade Horace Mann English Prose: Assignment, What does Friendship mean to you?

Alas, as she teetered on the penthouse balcony in her Manolo Blahnik's in fear, rolled in fat, wrapped in arrogance and self loathing- ready to jump off because life was simply not worthing without a manic incessant heart beating out of her iphone from her instagram account.
A pitiful 30 likes, more embarrassing then Malia Obama's puberty development at the Whitehouse replete with period bloodstained sheets all over the Oval office
But then she remembered she had reservations at Harry Cippriani's with Father and his girlfriend who was born on the cusp of the Carter Administration and doesn't know the difference between a Chianti and a Roofie.
She did not end up committing suicide that evening, because I met her after at le Chateau de Marmount de Klonopin and we talked about the critical importance of being best friends since like FOREVER whilst I silently sexted her ex boyfriend who fingerbanged me in the uber on the way home.

Gift Ideas for those who deserve to have their home go into Foreclosure

I hate giving gifts because I would rather spend the effort on myself.  In any iphone case, there is nothing worse than bad manners with the exception of poorly decorated crack houses, thus one has to send and bring a gift when the time is appropriate. The appropriate aspect is an area of my life, like sobriety during driving is where I fall short so I typically consult seester who is halfway across the globe casually bringing all Celebrities to the brink of Nirvana on an appropriate situation.

However, these gift ideas for those who deserve to have their boyfriend's inheritance smuggled from under them are mine alone.

1. Poop in a chanel box

2. Hydroxycut

3. 17 hickeys

4. Poorly cut cocaine

5. Season 6 of Boy Meets World

6. A fake Rothko

7. Tickets to an 8 hour opera

8. Coach purse

9.  Candy

10. Cartier Meth Lighter

11.  Subscription to Gay soft core Child Porn

Poised Humble Flawless and a Pillar of the Community. Beb, Id rather go to Brunch

I would love to describe myself the same way I describe myself on my application to a wide array of Escort Services and Job Applications, Poised, Elegant, and a kind young lady who has a heart of gold and has excellent museum reccomendations in Cote D'Azur.


I realized it is essential that I am a crucial pillar of the community just in case I am put on trial for the murder of several, so that My lawyer, whom used to do cocaine with Hillary Clinton at Yale, can list all of my fine accomplishments besides making jewels out of prescription pills and making sex toys for rape victims and vaping in the jacuzzi.


Alas, Even before my impending trial for the murder of the President's Brother in a Garage ala mode Prison Break
 in a half blown attempt to buy Karma for all of the twisted manipulation, stealing, trash talking, mortgage fraud, tax evasion home wrecking and casual stabbing that I partake in on the reg, I thought that I should become a mentor to a young Girl in Harlem and take her to Lunch at Cipprianni's and talk about Goals.

Ipso Facto this plan came crashing down like a beat up housewife on her last klonopin, as this horny little girl dragged me to the confines of a rat infested gymnasium in the ghetto on the corner of heroin bodega and kill myself in order to twerk with her likeminded peers to get their numbers.  It was painful to watch and I was so bored I almost forgot to induce bulimia and orchestrate a meeting time with my Drug Dealer because he told me I could pay him in Duane Reade points.

It was like I learned in HarvardWestlake Nursery School. Charity, Begins at the Home.

Im done.

Cut Amanda Some Prada Slacks Part Deux: Multo Italiano Rihanna Unapologetic Party Girl

Casey Anthony, its the GlitterTherapist and we are seeking your assistance. Let us have the Italians focus their attention back on the Vatican, Afternoon Sex, Carla Bruni and the return of arguably the most useless but aesthetically pleasing currency; the lira.

Amanda Knox is as innocent as Bonbell Cherry flavored Chapstick on the first date and I am beyond over this story. I am sincerely asking that the Nation refocus its attention to the much more serious issues at hand of illegal immigrants, lack of high end spas in the Midwest, and poorly imported Domestic Blow.

Amanda Knox, is one of my nearest and dearest, we met on the Chairlifts in the Stein Erickson in Utah in the Spring of 1999 and bonded over loving Social Studies coupled with our newfound discovery of our vagina. Together we manically planned on how we were going to give handjobs to the ski school instructors and conquered black diamond slopes.
We stayed in touch over the years,  but grew apart as she became less of a psychotic social climbing prude unlike yours truly.

Despite our parted ways, I am HIV positive that Ms. Foxy Knoxy did not kill her roommate, Why? For the same reason we all did not. We were too busy reading Harry Potter and smoking le Ganja and thinking about interesting manipulative tactics to get a Rolex in under 40 blowjobs for Feb 2014.  It is crystal Meth Clear Flatmates are the lowest of the low but LesbiHonest for a nano.

Knox would have only killed Princess Meredith had she stolen her inheritance. Which she did not as Amanda has been rocking Disturbed and Horny yet Innocent by Michael Kors since 2007.  As A sidenote, I  do have to ask, who does her Makeup because her angry smokey eye look that demonstrates her feelings on the grave injustice of the Global  legal system is 120 plus instagram like worthy.

 and lo and beBold truth be told, Princess Meredith sounded like a manic liberal hot mess sauteed in self obsession and cellulite so her murder did not come as a shock to the system.

Sex game gone wrong they say? Babe, tis not such thing.
 So,  the question is My old Childhood friend be forced to play Alex Trebek Double Jeapordy?

This entire case was a theatrical episode of The Beautiful and the Damned and Every Liberal Media Elite Newspaper quotes every International Frat Star Ivy League Criminal Defense Lawyer that it is unclear of whether the US will make Foxy Knoxy Return to The Vatican. 

Rate your Burn is Dead to Me, yet like My Childhood Rapist I keep coming back

I waged a very light psychological warfare on the Bougie Exercise Website rateyourburn.com highlighting my rather troubling obsession with my soul cycle instructor. If that Jappy Cornell Waspy Blonde CE) orchestrator of this website accomplished anything, it was that she rateyourburned.com my desire to post only more indications of my wildly unhealthy manic and arguably illegal obsession.

The fact pattern of the circumstances as follows make me maintain a firm yet coked out stance on  the absurdity of our generation. ,
Rawness, Truth, and Feelings, and Casual Insinuations of Light Death Threats and or violence are  foreign concepts and are not permitted.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with simply suggesting that if someone has a problem with the way I write, I do not cease to extasy speed dial Sniper on Palm Pilot and ask that he Hypothetically remove their teeth out one by one and chop up sautee and stir fry their insides to sell on the black market for extra pocket money for adderal and to finance My second home on Further Lane, East Hampton, New York 90210.

Essentially some absurd disturbed  forever 21 tax bracket cunt who failed to see the amusement and seriousness  in associating sex soul cycle glitter  exercise and stalkerism, the very cores of my existence,   got terribly nawsty.
Irregardless of the poorly decorated platform of le rateyourburn.com, I defended my self, l much to the same extent the way the US retaliated when Saddam Sequin Hussein orchestrated the collapse of the twins,as seen below in previous post titled: You Bike Was Comped? Thats Gucci. I Pay Double and Work Half as Hard

Then, Rateyourburn had the audacity to remove the entire thread leaving me with the only reasonable explanation that this is a conspiracy greater than ourselves which will never be restored to sanity.

Here is what else is Dead to me.

1. The Bouncers at SL
2.  Women who don't own their full throttled social climbing
3. Porn without subtitles
4. People that pretend they are not interested in Instagram
5. Uber Drivers incapable of Naving.
6. Any Restaurant in Santa Monica
7. Gmail's beta block on casual hackers
8. I phone passcodes
9. Your post teen angst
10. Restaurants with no reservations and American Staff
11. Wine Sommeliers that don't wear the necklace
12. The Jacuzzi in The Ritz, had a very serious case of Ghonerrea which I removed myself.

NailPolish Colors By Glitter Therapist

In light of the necessary reality of removing boring Nail Polish colors from Korean Establishments for Nails and fungus all across God Greens Earth, I am coming out with a line of Glittery Colors, Alas here are the first twelve thus far. 

1.  Just Trampled my ex husband in My Maserati By Essie

2. Date Rape in Versailles

3. Masturbation in the First Class Bathroom

4. I don't understand Why L.C Didn't take that internship in Paris

5. Sequined Roofies in the Persistence of Memory

6. Cuban Cigars in a Vicodin Haze

7. Rusted Racial Slur

8. Filthy Academy Award 

9. Period Blood Diamonds in Sierra Leone

10. Russian Policy Debate in Red

11. Sparkled Existential Gang Bang in the basement at The Whitney

12.  Envy Green Elecktra Complex