Friday, December 31, 2010
If New Years Eve was a person, I would ask him to come over for some Veuve Cliquot
Reasons why I love New Years Eve, but I still do all this stuff anyway
1. I can masturbate, sleep with married people, eat trans fats, raid pharmacy's, preform spells, cry,and tweet all day and say things like Next Year I wont do this, but really continue and repeat the cycle.
2. I stand next to the richest looking man at midnight to get a kiss and then I grab the ass cheeks.
3. I make the maids Dress me
4, I order room service naked
5. I tag pictures of fireworks which looks artsy, dramatic, and sophisticated.
6. I take lots of smuggled laxatives to look extra thin for the party and use the excuse, just this once its a special occasion.
7. I grind up on strangers, the younger the better
8. I call my shrink's family to wish them a happy new year and to again apologize for making their mother cuddle me and invite me to family night dinners.
9. I change clocks so people never know when its midnight.
10. I steal the fireworks and bring them on the airplane by hiding them in my shampoo bottle.
1. I can masturbate, sleep with married people, eat trans fats, raid pharmacy's, preform spells, cry,and tweet all day and say things like Next Year I wont do this, but really continue and repeat the cycle.
2. I stand next to the richest looking man at midnight to get a kiss and then I grab the ass cheeks.
3. I make the maids Dress me
4, I order room service naked
5. I tag pictures of fireworks which looks artsy, dramatic, and sophisticated.
6. I take lots of smuggled laxatives to look extra thin for the party and use the excuse, just this once its a special occasion.
7. I grind up on strangers, the younger the better
8. I call my shrink's family to wish them a happy new year and to again apologize for making their mother cuddle me and invite me to family night dinners.
9. I change clocks so people never know when its midnight.
10. I steal the fireworks and bring them on the airplane by hiding them in my shampoo bottle.
Ceo of FAO Shorts and Vaginas
As I blog in the nude, and have gained nearly international recognition as if you are reading this you are aware of my status as an elite blogger, I become rather unsure of my blogging abilities. Are my blogging abilities as strong as my good looks sophisticated disposition and enjoyment of stealing my boyfriend's medication?
Therefore, as you know, I am becoming a CEO of glitter Sex Toys that will expand on the FAO SHORTS with toys for CHildren and for their mummies and daddies to make sex a more family event. I remember as a child I used to think it was beyond hysterical to go swimming in the pool with Father in the Hamptons with my puppy sapphire and reach inside his euro speedo and feel around.
I had to have a lecture from Mother and Father and the Swimming instructor about the wrong ness of this situation, which in all honesty I still do not completely understand. Interesting fact, the swimming instructor is now a critically acclaimed actor and had small role in Dude Where's my Car, where he was truly brilliant. He was a bit disturbed about my Electra complex, but as a struggling Actor with a steroid abuse problem, he worked for Father for the next 5 years.
While I do not support children and parents sleeping together unless it is by choice, which clearly it was not. I support more discussion about sex with mummies and daddies and their children. The children can buy toys and the parents can buy toys and then discuss the purchases. This business promotes American ideals of Family values, capitalism, ejaculation, and vibration.
Please let me know if you know a good investor
Therefore, as you know, I am becoming a CEO of glitter Sex Toys that will expand on the FAO SHORTS with toys for CHildren and for their mummies and daddies to make sex a more family event. I remember as a child I used to think it was beyond hysterical to go swimming in the pool with Father in the Hamptons with my puppy sapphire and reach inside his euro speedo and feel around.
I had to have a lecture from Mother and Father and the Swimming instructor about the wrong ness of this situation, which in all honesty I still do not completely understand. Interesting fact, the swimming instructor is now a critically acclaimed actor and had small role in Dude Where's my Car, where he was truly brilliant. He was a bit disturbed about my Electra complex, but as a struggling Actor with a steroid abuse problem, he worked for Father for the next 5 years.
While I do not support children and parents sleeping together unless it is by choice, which clearly it was not. I support more discussion about sex with mummies and daddies and their children. The children can buy toys and the parents can buy toys and then discuss the purchases. This business promotes American ideals of Family values, capitalism, ejaculation, and vibration.
Please let me know if you know a good investor
Profound questions with simple answers
When does innocence end? Pubic hair and the urge to make a porn film
What is Love? Multiple Orgasms sauteed with the feeling of being coked out
Was Jesus Jewish and Black? Yea
Where is God? In your heart
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Mid Holiday Objectives
1. Removed due to potential lawsuit
2. Waterski in the nude during the day
3. Develop an addiction to Johnny Walker Black as nothing says Im classy cultured and well bred (like a horse) like drinking hard liquor.
4. Bedazzle my vibrator
5. Give out more business cards
6. Design anal beads
7. learn how to preform an abortion, to myself as well as others
8. de friend all my facebook friends who arent from a cultured race
9. learn the Saxaphone
10. Figure out something else sophisticated to say about the stock market besides that it is volatile.
11. develop a tighter vagina
12. eat more caviar
2. Waterski in the nude during the day
3. Develop an addiction to Johnny Walker Black as nothing says Im classy cultured and well bred (like a horse) like drinking hard liquor.
4. Bedazzle my vibrator
5. Give out more business cards
6. Design anal beads
7. learn how to preform an abortion, to myself as well as others
8. de friend all my facebook friends who arent from a cultured race
9. learn the Saxaphone
10. Figure out something else sophisticated to say about the stock market besides that it is volatile.
11. develop a tighter vagina
12. eat more caviar
My Glittery Obsessive Compulsive Anxiety Ridden Resume
Objective: High status socialite who dabbles in sophisticated foreign porn, public relations for the mafia, and classy rapping about the volatile stock market and Johnny Walker Black
Name: Glitter Therapy
Address: Several: Pied a terre on 5th Avenue, Penthouse at the Bul Ja Arab, Nantucket, Princess Diana's Room at the Copacabana in Rio
Education: pseudo ivy league institution because the science building is called GlitterTherapy.
Languages Spoken: Pig Latin and English in a highly inflected sophisticated articulation. I can also say I give phenom head in 15 european languages.
Skills: Social climbing, drinking champagne, using my credit card, shopping at CVS, putting pictures on facebook, deciphering the super wealthy from the semi wealthy, breaking into safes, reading people's text messages, manipulating, talking about Opera, swimming with dolphins
Name: Glitter Therapy
Address: Several: Pied a terre on 5th Avenue, Penthouse at the Bul Ja Arab, Nantucket, Princess Diana's Room at the Copacabana in Rio
Education: pseudo ivy league institution because the science building is called GlitterTherapy.
Languages Spoken: Pig Latin and English in a highly inflected sophisticated articulation. I can also say I give phenom head in 15 european languages.
Skills: Social climbing, drinking champagne, using my credit card, shopping at CVS, putting pictures on facebook, deciphering the super wealthy from the semi wealthy, breaking into safes, reading people's text messages, manipulating, talking about Opera, swimming with dolphins
New Rich Hot BFF.. who worships me like Im the 2nd Cumming
In my attempt to achieve socialite status, it is obviously vital that I have a loyal group of skinny rich sophisticated damaged women who understand the trials and tribulations of waiting in lines at clubs and the struggles of getting a higher trust fund than siblings.
Most recently, I have added one new factor to my criteria of members of my creme de la creme inner circle. They have to understand down to the depths of their clit my dire need to be a top socialite slash highly tasteful semi erotic porn star slash white classy rapper and also share their prescription drugs and boyfriends. However, if they have neither to offer, in which case you are probably poor and un sophisticated, they can perhaps worship me the way dumb jappy suburbanites worship Bloomingdales.
My new BFF a young hot rich jew who is exactly 4 and 3 quarters. While she does not yet quite understand my need to get finger fucked against a wall at Pink Elephant on memorial day weekend by current CEO of Goldman, she is most definitely getting there and most definitely understand the merits and quality of good looking individuals as it appears she is quite taken with the gentleman who looks like a sponge and lives under the sea, more formally known as Spongebob Square pants, who I hear gives good oral sex. She has a rockin bod, due to her limited diet of cheerios and grapes and her jazzercise and upper east side ballet practice.
She also thinks Im fabulous and is always down to take pictures with me and discuss Miley Cyrus pre bong hit. We also have long deep talks about castles even though hers are made of sand and mine are made of diamonds and vicodin. See you in the Dubai Clubs in 2020 Ciao biatches.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Verbatim Father Email to Manager of Hotel
I hope your families had as wonderful a Christmas as mine did.
Tonight's band was Really poor. As you may or may not know, *wife aND i HAVE been dancing every night to multiple songs and have been encouraging other couples to join us on the floor. Tonight's band play NO dancing music, as evinced by the emplitness of the floor. Extremely disappointing.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
FOXNEWS FLASH
Telling people at cocktail parties you work in erotic soft core porn and dabble in producing lesbian novels into films does not translate as one who is an intelligent individual
If you do not frequently use your bidet, you have an extremely filthy buttocks
If you had sex with a rich man who does not make you finish and doesnt have a maid make his bed I suggest you call JP Morgan and have him fired for poor fingering skills and lack of domestic integrity.
If he is an oil tycoon and has Roman Numerals after his last name Marry him. Even if he is an obese acne filled, alcoholic, semi violent small dick to the point of near non existence man just do it.
With the right vibrator, diet, accutane, and anger management counselor, these problems can always be fixed. In the mean time book a first class ticket to the Canyon Ranch and enjoy the caviar, dom perignon, and van cleef jewls on your way.
If your maid does not know why your last relationship ended then you do not use her to her full extent. I use my maid as my unprescribing shrink, public relations consultant, meaning she tells me which pictures to de tag, and
spiritual guru even though caribbean/African prayers make me sound like a strange mixture of cultured yet poor.
If you do not frequently use your bidet, you have an extremely filthy buttocks
If you had sex with a rich man who does not make you finish and doesnt have a maid make his bed I suggest you call JP Morgan and have him fired for poor fingering skills and lack of domestic integrity.
If he is an oil tycoon and has Roman Numerals after his last name Marry him. Even if he is an obese acne filled, alcoholic, semi violent small dick to the point of near non existence man just do it.
With the right vibrator, diet, accutane, and anger management counselor, these problems can always be fixed. In the mean time book a first class ticket to the Canyon Ranch and enjoy the caviar, dom perignon, and van cleef jewls on your way.
If your maid does not know why your last relationship ended then you do not use her to her full extent. I use my maid as my unprescribing shrink, public relations consultant, meaning she tells me which pictures to de tag, and
spiritual guru even though caribbean/African prayers make me sound like a strange mixture of cultured yet poor.
What are you doing next year? Im going down on your CEO FATHER
There is nothing more irritating than when one asks what I am doing upon my ending matriculation of my pseudo ivy league education amongst children with blazers and ponies.
It should be quite obvious. I am leading the social climbing socialite erotic soft core porn public relations for the mafia existence.
Recently, I have decided to develop a sex toy business for prude and frigid women who need help exploring their bodies and discovering their own cum. There is no way that a top CEO lawyer, banker oil tycoon will marry the jewish funny manic deppressive neurotic alcoholic neurotic types if he does not think he is making you finish. Once women know how to please themselves they too can help their rich husbands please them. Ipso Facto, one will have a sex life resembling Dom Perignon.
This I believe will lead me on the path of leading the diamond encrusted existence of ruling page 6 without incessantly giving hand jobs to Bill Cunningham.
It should be quite obvious. I am leading the social climbing socialite erotic soft core porn public relations for the mafia existence.
Recently, I have decided to develop a sex toy business for prude and frigid women who need help exploring their bodies and discovering their own cum. There is no way that a top CEO lawyer, banker oil tycoon will marry the jewish funny manic deppressive neurotic alcoholic neurotic types if he does not think he is making you finish. Once women know how to please themselves they too can help their rich husbands please them. Ipso Facto, one will have a sex life resembling Dom Perignon.
This I believe will lead me on the path of leading the diamond encrusted existence of ruling page 6 without incessantly giving hand jobs to Bill Cunningham.
Family Holiday day 2-3 Christmas
Not to worry fellow glittertherapy readers, I will not be chronicling the entire holiday as that will be extremely repetitive, boring, and frankly a waste of everyone's time. Naturally, the best chronicles of the alcoholic erotic exotic hypnotic existence I lead takes place in the club attempting to get finger fucked by the low tier Merrill Lynch Analysts.
Family holiday's consist of meals that should be labeled jews who booze, or christians on mission...to get drunk. There louboutin-sole purpose of getting drunk with family is to push them to death in order to get trust fund ASAP AS POSSIBLE. currently it is ( 5 years 3 months 10 hours and 32 seconds).
You also drink with your family on holiday to forget the fact that most likely, at a resort, where people return to year after year, you most likely have exchanged awkward encounters with someone's father to the point where everyone is uncomfortable, or had sex with the fat rich liberal jew in 2003, or had anal with the black waiter on the tennis courts that one night you took shrooms and who happens to be serving the chardonnay and fois gras.
Father loves the "scene". He knows everyone's exercise schedule, how many times they have been married, which child is the drug addict, ( thank god he knows so I dont have to awkwardly ask the wrong child to get some strong percocets). Father also develops an intense anorexia resembling that of a 14 year old who announces his weight during cocktail hour and informs the manager of the Resort that he is in better shape than most of the 40 year old citi bank gentleman with whom he plays tennis and squash. Despite his intense obsession with his hot bod, he is still my dearest richest most fabulous friend and biggest role model.
Mother does not come down to the beach so for fun I say that she is deathly allergic to the mix of sand and fat people. She stays in her gigantic suite, reads french vogue, practices her British accent, and practices yoga with her teacher whom she brought in her carry on, but we had to but her in coach due to the horrific Obama economy.
To most of my contemporary socialites the scene is has-been second marriage gold diggers who haven't had an orgasm since Bush Senior. The lack of people's sex lives on this holiday is astounding. I can soundly go to sleep without the sounds of ejaculation which is peaceful superficially, but downright depressing on another. Do family holidays equal no sex?
The night life is also a sad excuse for an actual evening of dancing. It is reggae and steel band reminiscent of a crack house in harlem. Naturally I attempt to jazz up the nightlife by taking the microphone from the reggae band to belt out my own interpretation of Bob Marley. I do enjoy Bob Marley's jam's except for his need to smoke marijuana. I would much rather have a gin and xanax concoction and dry hump the saxaphone player whilst taking my pictures and making mother and father proud.
Family holiday's consist of meals that should be labeled jews who booze, or christians on mission...to get drunk. There louboutin-sole purpose of getting drunk with family is to push them to death in order to get trust fund ASAP AS POSSIBLE. currently it is ( 5 years 3 months 10 hours and 32 seconds).
You also drink with your family on holiday to forget the fact that most likely, at a resort, where people return to year after year, you most likely have exchanged awkward encounters with someone's father to the point where everyone is uncomfortable, or had sex with the fat rich liberal jew in 2003, or had anal with the black waiter on the tennis courts that one night you took shrooms and who happens to be serving the chardonnay and fois gras.
Father loves the "scene". He knows everyone's exercise schedule, how many times they have been married, which child is the drug addict, ( thank god he knows so I dont have to awkwardly ask the wrong child to get some strong percocets). Father also develops an intense anorexia resembling that of a 14 year old who announces his weight during cocktail hour and informs the manager of the Resort that he is in better shape than most of the 40 year old citi bank gentleman with whom he plays tennis and squash. Despite his intense obsession with his hot bod, he is still my dearest richest most fabulous friend and biggest role model.
Mother does not come down to the beach so for fun I say that she is deathly allergic to the mix of sand and fat people. She stays in her gigantic suite, reads french vogue, practices her British accent, and practices yoga with her teacher whom she brought in her carry on, but we had to but her in coach due to the horrific Obama economy.
To most of my contemporary socialites the scene is has-been second marriage gold diggers who haven't had an orgasm since Bush Senior. The lack of people's sex lives on this holiday is astounding. I can soundly go to sleep without the sounds of ejaculation which is peaceful superficially, but downright depressing on another. Do family holidays equal no sex?
The night life is also a sad excuse for an actual evening of dancing. It is reggae and steel band reminiscent of a crack house in harlem. Naturally I attempt to jazz up the nightlife by taking the microphone from the reggae band to belt out my own interpretation of Bob Marley. I do enjoy Bob Marley's jam's except for his need to smoke marijuana. I would much rather have a gin and xanax concoction and dry hump the saxaphone player whilst taking my pictures and making mother and father proud.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Lessons from the Carribean thus far
1. Have sex in the pool just once, chlorine in the vagina can be easily removed with a mixture of xanax and vanilla yogurt (non fat)
2. Bring along a yoga teacher who knows where to find good mushrooms
3. If you have your period, wear a thong bikini just to make everyone uncomfortable. I may smear the blood on a waspy child and tell him its war paint
4. The waiters have the best racist jokes against white people, e.g crackers eat crackers.
5. Do not go into the ocean late at night heavily medicated as you do not end up off the coast of the mediterranean in a mansion. most likely I will die and I do not have an appropriate funeral soundtrack picked out nor am I sure the Yale A cappella group are available.
2. Bring along a yoga teacher who knows where to find good mushrooms
3. If you have your period, wear a thong bikini just to make everyone uncomfortable. I may smear the blood on a waspy child and tell him its war paint
4. The waiters have the best racist jokes against white people, e.g crackers eat crackers.
5. Do not go into the ocean late at night heavily medicated as you do not end up off the coast of the mediterranean in a mansion. most likely I will die and I do not have an appropriate funeral soundtrack picked out nor am I sure the Yale A cappella group are available.
Family Holiday Day 1
Its been 24 hours and am already going minorly insane without my on round the clock team of psychiatrists. I believe there is a gentleman whom I met in the gym who practices psychiatry so I may be requesting his assistance. I do not know his room number, but I gave fellatio to the black concierge 2 Christmas's ago, so I do not imagine a significant problem obtaining this information.
Had tea with father and a swim in the ocean and informed him that along with my career as a social climbing socialite, I also want to take my career in erotic soft core porn to the next level, and open a sex toy shop for women who are frigid and prude who need to explore their sexuality further. He seemed open to the idea.
Had tea with father and a swim in the ocean and informed him that along with my career as a social climbing socialite, I also want to take my career in erotic soft core porn to the next level, and open a sex toy shop for women who are frigid and prude who need to explore their sexuality further. He seemed open to the idea.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
What I gleaned from my weekend of cocktail parties
1. They breed alcoholic men and slutty women
2. They make clear that if you are not a member of a family dynasty, run an oil company, are an A-list model, or a doctor for botox, than you might as well not speak
3. If you are not wearing a designer who is dead, you should change, live designers are very 2010 my apologies to Zac Posen and Naf Naf
4. If you are overweight, a hermaphrodite, homeless, or a zinc deficiency that shows up on your face, you should stay home,
5. If you do not get wasted, then you did not talk to enough people
6. If you cannot dance, do the robot
7. do not masturbate in public, someone is always watching
8. take a significantly obscene amount of pictures, with captions such as "Glittertherapygirl using the bidet"
2. They make clear that if you are not a member of a family dynasty, run an oil company, are an A-list model, or a doctor for botox, than you might as well not speak
3. If you are not wearing a designer who is dead, you should change, live designers are very 2010 my apologies to Zac Posen and Naf Naf
4. If you are overweight, a hermaphrodite, homeless, or a zinc deficiency that shows up on your face, you should stay home,
5. If you do not get wasted, then you did not talk to enough people
6. If you cannot dance, do the robot
7. do not masturbate in public, someone is always watching
8. take a significantly obscene amount of pictures, with captions such as "Glittertherapygirl using the bidet"
Debutante Balls: Grinding is hard to do in Black Tie Gowns whilst talking politics
This past weekend I was blessed with a glittery invitation of one of my dearest blonde skinny friends to witness her entering into society. After my raving jealous surpassed and I heavily medicated I was deeply honored with the invitation and immediately began practicing my impressive cocktail party talk and started reading more fair and balanced fox news.
The guests included but were not limited to Dj's from Switzerland, grandchildren of democrats, oil tycoons, and a young hot married couple from Stanford who was impressed that I immediately knew she was a kappa even though she was blonde, heavily botoxed and was giving off a super I do pilates and masturbate to classy porn vibe. Itso facto, it was fairly obvious she was a kappa kappa kill me. This party reminded me I have a lot of work to do if I want to be a high society socialite who does not converse about prescription pills, psychiatrists, and my suicidal existence during the early years of the millenium before gin and xanax.
The party took place at the petroleum club and I kept asking what we would all do if there were a leak in the building thinking that would be an amusing joke, which no one thought was particularly funny. Even though I was heavily medicated and drank 14 champagnes and sampled 16 different types of caviar and nearly passed out at the coatcheck all over the plethora of versace furs, I still managed not to entirely embarrass myself. I also told every old man I saw how hot they looked whilst stroking their arm.
While the large team of makeup and hair people came, I laughed to myself about the fact that they tried to impress me with the fact they were also models for Macy's and L.L Bean catalogs. This fact reeked of a sad middle class existence but I got over it when they transformed my usual look of a hot mess train wreck into a smoky eyed princess with blown out hair and insisted that they glue sequins around my eyes for a more dramatic effect.
The crowd was in pink mink furs and the conversation was what I enjoy most, guns, booze, diamonds, oil, and I of course added my own input on How I expected their to be significantly more gold diggers. Rich society people are essentially the same as regular people who havent been officially announced as marriage material in society, only with better champagne and designer clothes. There is still fellatio in the DJ booth, Michael Jackson music, slutty girls trying not to act slutty, and the sad raging obesity alcholism mixture that is killing america. Note: I would not care if the epidemic was a bulimia alcoholic epidemic, in fact I would encourage the switch even though there would be a significant need for more water due to all the toilets flushing.
Its hard to social climb and act classy when surrounded by rich men that you want to dry hump against a wall next to the ice sculptures and cator waiters, mostly because it takes a lot of work to lift up a ball gown to have a gentleman insert his finger into you. Dry humping in black tie, while it takes more work with a little patience is the best way to do it. Rich, sexual, dirty, icy, christian louboutins, ejaculation. This is what hot hook ups are made of.
I was paired with a gentleman who ditched me for President Bush's cocktail party which I found highly offensive especially given the fact that he created a war that is not real. The the money on the war could be better spent making better vibrators and helping poor black kids read. It may be insulting to my fellow blood loving republicans that I do not support Iraq, I just cannot support a war that does not have to do with freeing kids in attics, like the Anne Frank war.
Nevertheless I attempted to steal other dates from the wives that were present by showing off my classy grinding skills and impress upon my profound knowledge of politics and literature and art and religion which I had on an index card that I copied from Iwanttosoundintelligentsophisticatedworldly.com.
Even though I was date less I still realized that balls and the celebration of coming out into society is significantly more vital to my existence and my quest to be a top parisian moroccan socialite then attending family barmitzvah's, which was also the same day. Mazel Tov, Ill buy you a cocktail and help you lose your virginity, kid.
The guests included but were not limited to Dj's from Switzerland, grandchildren of democrats, oil tycoons, and a young hot married couple from Stanford who was impressed that I immediately knew she was a kappa even though she was blonde, heavily botoxed and was giving off a super I do pilates and masturbate to classy porn vibe. Itso facto, it was fairly obvious she was a kappa kappa kill me. This party reminded me I have a lot of work to do if I want to be a high society socialite who does not converse about prescription pills, psychiatrists, and my suicidal existence during the early years of the millenium before gin and xanax.
The party took place at the petroleum club and I kept asking what we would all do if there were a leak in the building thinking that would be an amusing joke, which no one thought was particularly funny. Even though I was heavily medicated and drank 14 champagnes and sampled 16 different types of caviar and nearly passed out at the coatcheck all over the plethora of versace furs, I still managed not to entirely embarrass myself. I also told every old man I saw how hot they looked whilst stroking their arm.
While the large team of makeup and hair people came, I laughed to myself about the fact that they tried to impress me with the fact they were also models for Macy's and L.L Bean catalogs. This fact reeked of a sad middle class existence but I got over it when they transformed my usual look of a hot mess train wreck into a smoky eyed princess with blown out hair and insisted that they glue sequins around my eyes for a more dramatic effect.
The crowd was in pink mink furs and the conversation was what I enjoy most, guns, booze, diamonds, oil, and I of course added my own input on How I expected their to be significantly more gold diggers. Rich society people are essentially the same as regular people who havent been officially announced as marriage material in society, only with better champagne and designer clothes. There is still fellatio in the DJ booth, Michael Jackson music, slutty girls trying not to act slutty, and the sad raging obesity alcholism mixture that is killing america. Note: I would not care if the epidemic was a bulimia alcoholic epidemic, in fact I would encourage the switch even though there would be a significant need for more water due to all the toilets flushing.
Its hard to social climb and act classy when surrounded by rich men that you want to dry hump against a wall next to the ice sculptures and cator waiters, mostly because it takes a lot of work to lift up a ball gown to have a gentleman insert his finger into you. Dry humping in black tie, while it takes more work with a little patience is the best way to do it. Rich, sexual, dirty, icy, christian louboutins, ejaculation. This is what hot hook ups are made of.
I was paired with a gentleman who ditched me for President Bush's cocktail party which I found highly offensive especially given the fact that he created a war that is not real. The the money on the war could be better spent making better vibrators and helping poor black kids read. It may be insulting to my fellow blood loving republicans that I do not support Iraq, I just cannot support a war that does not have to do with freeing kids in attics, like the Anne Frank war.
Nevertheless I attempted to steal other dates from the wives that were present by showing off my classy grinding skills and impress upon my profound knowledge of politics and literature and art and religion which I had on an index card that I copied from Iwanttosoundintelligentsophisticatedworldly.com.
Even though I was date less I still realized that balls and the celebration of coming out into society is significantly more vital to my existence and my quest to be a top parisian moroccan socialite then attending family barmitzvah's, which was also the same day. Mazel Tov, Ill buy you a cocktail and help you lose your virginity, kid.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Lies I tell at Cocktail Parties
No one likes a boring guest...
1. My great aunt died of a heroin overdose
2. When I was in middle school I dated a guy in the projects and my dad suggested we go to Il Riccio for lunch
3. On my last trip to Morocco I had a really intellectual Arabic conversation with the cab driver, in fact..
4. I am practically fluent in Arabic, Ana tetakellum al laura al arabia!
5. I most definitely did not test out your vibrator whilst babysitting your children.
And I know its a lie when I hear
1. I really dont care what religion the man I marry is as long as he is kind, (yea and jewish with a trust fund who can make you finish in under 10 minutes)
2. I find the hostess just a doll ( She slept with my husband two years ago and knows about my ex problem and that I have a strangely addictive fetish with asian men)
3. These hors d'oeuvre's are magnificent ( need to find nearest powder room to throw up and do 65 jumping jacks)
4. I have a great sex life ( no explanation needed, as you look like you have been dry for awhile)
5. I just live for being a MOMMY it is so fulfilling.
1. My great aunt died of a heroin overdose
2. When I was in middle school I dated a guy in the projects and my dad suggested we go to Il Riccio for lunch
3. On my last trip to Morocco I had a really intellectual Arabic conversation with the cab driver, in fact..
4. I am practically fluent in Arabic, Ana tetakellum al laura al arabia!
5. I most definitely did not test out your vibrator whilst babysitting your children.
And I know its a lie when I hear
1. I really dont care what religion the man I marry is as long as he is kind, (yea and jewish with a trust fund who can make you finish in under 10 minutes)
2. I find the hostess just a doll ( She slept with my husband two years ago and knows about my ex problem and that I have a strangely addictive fetish with asian men)
3. These hors d'oeuvre's are magnificent ( need to find nearest powder room to throw up and do 65 jumping jacks)
4. I have a great sex life ( no explanation needed, as you look like you have been dry for awhile)
5. I just live for being a MOMMY it is so fulfilling.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
If you have the urge to cut and purge, stop blaming DADDY
As I have been on my quest to become a creme de la creme socialite I have realized the importance in Father's and so should my contemporary socialites. ITso facto I am obsessed with Father. I live and breathe for father and if he wasn't already taken by mother Id marry him myself. If you are an herve leger Chanel wearing euro vacationing pill popping top shelf liquor drinking hotel bar hopping youth, then daddy is not the cause of your problems.
I find the upper creme de la creme daddy issues of my inner circle embarrassing, because unless he touched your clit when you were little, and honestly how can you blame him as Im sure you were adorable, then I urge the socialites and wannabe socialites of my generation to stop blaming your low self esteem internal hatred alcoholic slutty issues on the Patriarch. NOT HIS FAULT. Sure, I have met fathers of my socialite inner circle who are cold not relatable, doesnt know their boyfriends name, where their place of business is, what kind of vibrator they have, and that they were pregnant in highschool for a particularly miserable 3 weeks.
BUT Your father has been waking up at 6 am since before adderall to give you and your family the life that you lead. The very idea of the socialite would not be possible without Father, he financed the first of what would become a long tradition of popping champagne and hiring photographers for his socialite offspring. Put on your cartier necklace, your hermes belt, and pack your louis vuitton luggage for a nice spa weekend in the Swiss Alps and make sure to bring your pony as a carry on. Its a stressful revelation that its not Father's fault for the wannabe socialite's self hating disposition. I recommend the deep tissue.
I find the upper creme de la creme daddy issues of my inner circle embarrassing, because unless he touched your clit when you were little, and honestly how can you blame him as Im sure you were adorable, then I urge the socialites and wannabe socialites of my generation to stop blaming your low self esteem internal hatred alcoholic slutty issues on the Patriarch. NOT HIS FAULT. Sure, I have met fathers of my socialite inner circle who are cold not relatable, doesnt know their boyfriends name, where their place of business is, what kind of vibrator they have, and that they were pregnant in highschool for a particularly miserable 3 weeks.
BUT Your father has been waking up at 6 am since before adderall to give you and your family the life that you lead. The very idea of the socialite would not be possible without Father, he financed the first of what would become a long tradition of popping champagne and hiring photographers for his socialite offspring. Put on your cartier necklace, your hermes belt, and pack your louis vuitton luggage for a nice spa weekend in the Swiss Alps and make sure to bring your pony as a carry on. Its a stressful revelation that its not Father's fault for the wannabe socialite's self hating disposition. I recommend the deep tissue.
what I typically talk about on dates
They say in magazines to talk about your interests whilst on dates
these are my favorite topics,
my therapists, my hatred of vitamins, my friend who is a policeman, opera, ronald reagan, the fact that I like to lick the back of the balls, my dream of owning an aquarium in the Middle East, foreign porn, my doormen, racism, veuve cliquot, people who I know who are controlled alcoholics, my pending status as a creme de la creme socialite, Ari from entourage and dark chocolate.
these are my favorite topics,
my therapists, my hatred of vitamins, my friend who is a policeman, opera, ronald reagan, the fact that I like to lick the back of the balls, my dream of owning an aquarium in the Middle East, foreign porn, my doormen, racism, veuve cliquot, people who I know who are controlled alcoholics, my pending status as a creme de la creme socialite, Ari from entourage and dark chocolate.
Miracle on Rodeo Drive
Holiday Season is a time when my chronic lethargy somehow is more noticeable to society. As Ive said, I find it an accomplishment if I even get myself out of bed, and there is no reason to except the obligations of reminding fathers on wall street to tip their maids via twitter bloomberg.
On the otherhand, once Im up, fully medicated, and have established my quote sultry look, which involves heavy black eyeliner a push up bra, spanx, a purse that has letters CD so everyone knows its christian dior and 3 shots of patron for the added wobbly effect, the holiday parties can be grand. Especially when someone dumb enough does not realize the brand of my purse, I can say Christian Dior with a french accent and lie about how some of the dior team and I are distant cousins.
During the holidays it is easier to social climb as people are drunk enough to take pictures with you smiling and so itso facto you become associated with the right circles. I should remind myself not to tag photos of myself grinding up against the bar(tender). I never hook up with help unless they make alcohol or prescribe me mood stabilizers.
Lots of drunk husbands who after one too many scotches realize quote hey, my wife IS a bitch. Thats what the holidays are all about, which brings me to my goal this holiday season. Become a mistress. But knowing the uncoordinated mess that is my existence, I will most likely will end up in a closet with some washed up overworked low tier Bank Of America analyst, who will finger me too hard leading me to tears and render me resentful of cheating husbands. On the other hand if he tells me Im pretty and different who has an edge that he has never seen before, and by the way, and wants to recommend me to human resources for a potential career where I can stalk bankers in their own habitat it will be one of those Jesus miracles.
On the otherhand, once Im up, fully medicated, and have established my quote sultry look, which involves heavy black eyeliner a push up bra, spanx, a purse that has letters CD so everyone knows its christian dior and 3 shots of patron for the added wobbly effect, the holiday parties can be grand. Especially when someone dumb enough does not realize the brand of my purse, I can say Christian Dior with a french accent and lie about how some of the dior team and I are distant cousins.
During the holidays it is easier to social climb as people are drunk enough to take pictures with you smiling and so itso facto you become associated with the right circles. I should remind myself not to tag photos of myself grinding up against the bar(tender). I never hook up with help unless they make alcohol or prescribe me mood stabilizers.
Lots of drunk husbands who after one too many scotches realize quote hey, my wife IS a bitch. Thats what the holidays are all about, which brings me to my goal this holiday season. Become a mistress. But knowing the uncoordinated mess that is my existence, I will most likely will end up in a closet with some washed up overworked low tier Bank Of America analyst, who will finger me too hard leading me to tears and render me resentful of cheating husbands. On the other hand if he tells me Im pretty and different who has an edge that he has never seen before, and by the way, and wants to recommend me to human resources for a potential career where I can stalk bankers in their own habitat it will be one of those Jesus miracles.
Dear Friends with Celebrities
There is nothing more amusing/ obvious that someone is lying to me when they tell me about their dear celebrity friends and how they are really regular people just like you and I. So many things wrong with this lie besides the obvious point that it is a lie.
First of all, I am NOT regular, and if one ever again accuses me of such atrocity, they will most likely be black-listed from every night club in Paris, which I can do with one phone call to Mother. Regular people are boring, politically correct, go to club Med, and order beers in the clubs.
Secondly, being friends with celebrities is very cool because they are in fact better than all of us, which is why they are celebrities. One should celebrate the fact they matriculate with these A listers or B listers and try to spend as much time with them as possible in order to infiltrate their inner circle and eventually climb to the top of of the social ladder and then call me to join so I can tag myself on facebook.
I have several pseudo celebrity friends of whom I worship and as a skilled manipulator due to my education at the fine conservatory of Stella Adler acting school in Manhattan, know the truth. The celebs do not want to be treated like regular people, else they would not have tried to break into the profession. I am obviously on a constant quest to gain more celebrity friends as the more people I know in the A list circle, the closer I am to becoming a creme de la creme socialite. Socialite is a chemical combination of severalfold, money, power, a good nose job, skinny cigarettes, and frequent mentions on perezhilton and page 6. Socialites are celebrities as well but do not have to memorize lines and wake up before 2 pm. All they have to do is look skinny rich and bored and give money to poor people. As Don quixote in Man of La mancha said: quote this is my quest, to follow that star, no matter how hopeless no matter how far end quote, if Don Q. achieved the Impossible Dream, than so can yours truly.
First of all, I am NOT regular, and if one ever again accuses me of such atrocity, they will most likely be black-listed from every night club in Paris, which I can do with one phone call to Mother. Regular people are boring, politically correct, go to club Med, and order beers in the clubs.
Secondly, being friends with celebrities is very cool because they are in fact better than all of us, which is why they are celebrities. One should celebrate the fact they matriculate with these A listers or B listers and try to spend as much time with them as possible in order to infiltrate their inner circle and eventually climb to the top of of the social ladder and then call me to join so I can tag myself on facebook.
I have several pseudo celebrity friends of whom I worship and as a skilled manipulator due to my education at the fine conservatory of Stella Adler acting school in Manhattan, know the truth. The celebs do not want to be treated like regular people, else they would not have tried to break into the profession. I am obviously on a constant quest to gain more celebrity friends as the more people I know in the A list circle, the closer I am to becoming a creme de la creme socialite. Socialite is a chemical combination of severalfold, money, power, a good nose job, skinny cigarettes, and frequent mentions on perezhilton and page 6. Socialites are celebrities as well but do not have to memorize lines and wake up before 2 pm. All they have to do is look skinny rich and bored and give money to poor people. As Don quixote in Man of La mancha said: quote this is my quest, to follow that star, no matter how hopeless no matter how far end quote, if Don Q. achieved the Impossible Dream, than so can yours truly.
baa baa black sheep have you any...
Ive always known I was a bit of a black sheep of my family. Not in a racist kind of way, but my family is known for their prestige, their finesse, their excellence, they use discretion, do not make dramatic scenes, and overall make sensible life choice decisions.Or if they dont they hide it well and pretend thats what they meant to do all along.
I on the other hand, do not. I lead a particularly loud, obnoxious, pretentious, racist, selfish, neurotic, insomniac, manic depressive, semi slutty alcoholic, republican, sparkly minorly trashy existence. And make no mistake, as hard as I try to conceal this sometimes, it appears that these characteristics are the chemical makeup of who I am. It is in my D.N.A also known as Drastically Narcissistic Adult.
But, instead of crying to psychiatrist about how I do not believe I meet the highly sophisticated and intellectual and fergiliciously glamourous bar that the contemporaries of my family set, I instead try to embrace it. Its true that unlike my family I am not the queen/ king B slash ivy league educated quality student and exemplary human being, I have made my own impact in my quest to celebrate the bedazzled rockstar diamond encrusted lifestyle. I may make my own mark fulfilling my dream of becoming the first white classy rapper who raps about the stock market, or do public relations for the Mafia, or make being a hooker look as genius as Julia Roberts did in a more modern millenium fashion where I meet a black man like Usher.
Its hard to be the screw up, the child whose claim to fame is the most shrinks, the most calls to the principals office, the most outbursts, the most suicide notes, the highest credit card bill, and the one that is quote most concerned about. But from now on, Im going to rock the black sheep, or in my case the black diamond- minxy sheep and rest in my laurels and aim to for success as the wife of someone on the Forbes list. While my immense jealousy runs deeply through my veins like nicotine, somewhere in my heart, mixed with my anti depressants and gin, I am so deeply incredibly impressed and moved with my siblings great success. They are forever my biggest role models and most deep inspiration.
I on the other hand, do not. I lead a particularly loud, obnoxious, pretentious, racist, selfish, neurotic, insomniac, manic depressive, semi slutty alcoholic, republican, sparkly minorly trashy existence. And make no mistake, as hard as I try to conceal this sometimes, it appears that these characteristics are the chemical makeup of who I am. It is in my D.N.A also known as Drastically Narcissistic Adult.
But, instead of crying to psychiatrist about how I do not believe I meet the highly sophisticated and intellectual and fergiliciously glamourous bar that the contemporaries of my family set, I instead try to embrace it. Its true that unlike my family I am not the queen/ king B slash ivy league educated quality student and exemplary human being, I have made my own impact in my quest to celebrate the bedazzled rockstar diamond encrusted lifestyle. I may make my own mark fulfilling my dream of becoming the first white classy rapper who raps about the stock market, or do public relations for the Mafia, or make being a hooker look as genius as Julia Roberts did in a more modern millenium fashion where I meet a black man like Usher.
Its hard to be the screw up, the child whose claim to fame is the most shrinks, the most calls to the principals office, the most outbursts, the most suicide notes, the highest credit card bill, and the one that is quote most concerned about. But from now on, Im going to rock the black sheep, or in my case the black diamond- minxy sheep and rest in my laurels and aim to for success as the wife of someone on the Forbes list. While my immense jealousy runs deeply through my veins like nicotine, somewhere in my heart, mixed with my anti depressants and gin, I am so deeply incredibly impressed and moved with my siblings great success. They are forever my biggest role models and most deep inspiration.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
3 girls- one room- one holiday
Some very important members of my inner circle are friends that I have met whilst on holiday. Friends on holiday are different than your regular circle., because they only know you in your most relaxed laissez faire "lets party, social climb and get laid mentality" It is a great way to let other people know your social status by telling cocktail party stories of when your friends that you met while skiing the slopes at Stein Erikson or in the Spa at the Swiss Alps make you who you are today. "How cultured she must be", they will say.
This particular social climbing skill of making friends whilst on holiday in the VIP clubs or on the sandy beaches of Barbados or on the Rue de Bonaparte in Paree, is one that is not just limited to myself. Father often finds young promising good looking men whilst on holiday and recruits them for his nearly international firm. Mother has holiday friends on every continent as she is fluent in francais.
Sister and I have a very special holiday friend. A modelesque gorgeous scottish British Lawyer who we have known since before we drank at breakfast and the economy was good.
This year, Brit-Scot's family has decided to abandon our annual holiday retreat for a different cultural experience, thus she has decided to leave her family behind and spend it with us, which obviously is the better choice. There are too many memories we have all had as holiday dear friends to let the tradition of spending New Years eve together slip away. We have used other guests shampoo because we thought it was funny, and purposely spilled banana crushes on the floors, and even turned on pornographic television in the children's television room.
Since she has decided to spend it with sister and I she is living with us in our actual hotel facility room. I have several fears of this. Whilst I am thrilled that my model lawyer friend is part of the sacred family this holiday season, I wonder what will occur in a room with three beautiful smart vain self obsessed women who need space to masturbate and do yoga? Whilst the Brit, is highly respectful, I am not and need space to stretch my vagina.
Hopefully I will be so heavily medicated that I will not even notice that there are other people in the room or that it is Christmas for that matter. And hopefully I will find a man who's trust fund is big enough to hold my dreams of living the creme de la creme socialite lifestyle. And we can try out my skills that I discovered in my newest self help book of how to have hot sex like a porn star even though you are really neurotic and are pseudo ivy league educated.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Winter is a time for complaining
I have a lot of complaints during the winter, but I have fixed them through the following mechanisms: intense research, gueling statistical analyses, and fellatio
1. It is very cold. - Get over it- cold burns calories and buy a fur jacket that looks slimming. Tell your vegan friends its faux and your fashion friends its minx.
2. A lot of finals/work/presentation/- Get over it and just do it and do not broadcast your work on your facebook/tweet status looking for sympathy which can only be found in a bottle of pinot noir,
in a week it will be holiday and you do not have to be sober
3. Icy Roads- Get over it, walk, or take the bus, burns calories and saves the environment, not that I care about the latter.
4. too many cookies during holiday parties- Stop being friends with people who think its acceptable to serve dessert
5. Horny- be productive and make a to do list ,sample: masturbate-study- receive oral sex-study
6. No idea what to get people for gifts- how about a diamond encrusted framed photograph of yourself, or of me and a nice bottle of champagne with 6 pieces of dark chocolate taped to the bottle in the shape of the receiver's initials
7. Pharmacy out of Xanax due to holiday time- iphone/blackberry the nearest CVS, all CVS's in all major cities are in the vicinity of 2.3 miles of each other.
No need complain, complaining is for people without trust funds who are 35 pounds overweight and havent been laid since Bush Senior. . Stay warm, stay rich, stay medicated xx
Christmas for the Jews
"I just went to an amazing office hannukah party last night and the boss got drunk and I screwed his wife". This sentence does not happen. There are no office hanukah parties unless one works at a temple or in a gefilte fish shop.
Jews all face a deep sadness during the holiday season for other reasons than realizing that their trust funds are not quite as big as they hoped and that a Jewish man's penis while circumcised, will never do what that big black man's dick did that one time during junior year of college Spring Break in Jamaica.
Having said all of this, I still love my Judaism. I love the free trip to Israel, I am one of matzah's biggest fans, and enjoy taking the day off to dip apples in honey in solitude while thinking about all the sins I have committed that I am secretly happy I committed. But Jews face another problem during the holiday season and that is the lesser known Christmas but the greater known Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa, by the way is no longer a pejorative term.
Chanukah it has been an obstacle for jews since the early 1970's. jews have constantly been trying to compete with Christmas over their holiday and it is now time to end the holiday war. The fact is Christmas is better and the sooner we admit this to ourselves, our people, and our grandparents, the sooner we can do a rendition of the jingle bell rock and get laid.
The fact is, Chanukah is kind of boring. It does have some redeeming qualities. The candles are pretty, it lasts for awhile, and one gets to pretend they are intelligent about their religion by throwing around words like the MACABEE's or menorah.
As a child, my father was a firm believer in wreaths, Christmas trees, and blasting our 5'th avenue's pied a terre with the great Opera singer's renditions of Christmas carols, leaving the help very confused. The saying is true, father does know best, he knew that as the Patriarch of our family, his offspring would enjoy nature in our own home in the form of a Christmas tree decorated with Van Cleef and Cartier ornaments more than a measly game of spin the dreidle, which as a side note can be great sex toys.
My mother tried to fight the spreading of nature and trees in our home and put her foot down on wreaths and stockings as she tried to have her children stay as connected to the original faith as possible. My family has always been about what is more fun and lets face it, Christmas is a lot more fun. more songs, more parties, more pretty lights, and more Ronald Reagan American family holiday like values. Reagan was a firm believer in celebrating Christmas and itso facto so am I. No one gives to charity just because its hanukah, people give to charity just because its Christmas.
But before my great ancestors strike me down for turning my back on my lit menorah thus setting my oscar blandi hair blowout on fire, I want everyone to stop and realize something extremely vital. Jesus was Jewish, Jesus was born on Christmas, itso facto, celebrating Christmas is commemorating the birth of the Jew's most famous, Jesus Christ. He was born in a manger with some other animals which is how I plan on my surrogate birthing my own children as I assume I have the genes of the 2nd coming.
Now that we have established that celebrating Christmas is in fact celebrating Judaism. Lets all open a bottle of champagne under the christmas tree and give the gifts that are ugly away to charity.
Merry Christmas fellow Jews. Mazel Tov.
Jews all face a deep sadness during the holiday season for other reasons than realizing that their trust funds are not quite as big as they hoped and that a Jewish man's penis while circumcised, will never do what that big black man's dick did that one time during junior year of college Spring Break in Jamaica.
Having said all of this, I still love my Judaism. I love the free trip to Israel, I am one of matzah's biggest fans, and enjoy taking the day off to dip apples in honey in solitude while thinking about all the sins I have committed that I am secretly happy I committed. But Jews face another problem during the holiday season and that is the lesser known Christmas but the greater known Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa, by the way is no longer a pejorative term.
Chanukah it has been an obstacle for jews since the early 1970's. jews have constantly been trying to compete with Christmas over their holiday and it is now time to end the holiday war. The fact is Christmas is better and the sooner we admit this to ourselves, our people, and our grandparents, the sooner we can do a rendition of the jingle bell rock and get laid.
The fact is, Chanukah is kind of boring. It does have some redeeming qualities. The candles are pretty, it lasts for awhile, and one gets to pretend they are intelligent about their religion by throwing around words like the MACABEE's or menorah.
As a child, my father was a firm believer in wreaths, Christmas trees, and blasting our 5'th avenue's pied a terre with the great Opera singer's renditions of Christmas carols, leaving the help very confused. The saying is true, father does know best, he knew that as the Patriarch of our family, his offspring would enjoy nature in our own home in the form of a Christmas tree decorated with Van Cleef and Cartier ornaments more than a measly game of spin the dreidle, which as a side note can be great sex toys.
My mother tried to fight the spreading of nature and trees in our home and put her foot down on wreaths and stockings as she tried to have her children stay as connected to the original faith as possible. My family has always been about what is more fun and lets face it, Christmas is a lot more fun. more songs, more parties, more pretty lights, and more Ronald Reagan American family holiday like values. Reagan was a firm believer in celebrating Christmas and itso facto so am I. No one gives to charity just because its hanukah, people give to charity just because its Christmas.
But before my great ancestors strike me down for turning my back on my lit menorah thus setting my oscar blandi hair blowout on fire, I want everyone to stop and realize something extremely vital. Jesus was Jewish, Jesus was born on Christmas, itso facto, celebrating Christmas is commemorating the birth of the Jew's most famous, Jesus Christ. He was born in a manger with some other animals which is how I plan on my surrogate birthing my own children as I assume I have the genes of the 2nd coming.
Now that we have established that celebrating Christmas is in fact celebrating Judaism. Lets all open a bottle of champagne under the christmas tree and give the gifts that are ugly away to charity.
Merry Christmas fellow Jews. Mazel Tov.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
If you snort your adderall, reassess your priorities
Adderall, its an attention grabbing phenomenon like immediate multiple orgasm, or stock market crash, and ironically attention grabbing is exactly what the drug is supposed to do.
I have been prescribed some sort of the salt since I was 6 years old and explained to my psychiatrist my intense frusturation will my inability to focus whilst reading the American Girl books sauteed with my inability to focus during the philharmonic or Mozart's the Magic flute of which I was a frequent attendant of. Not to mention, I was desperate to become a ballerina at the School of American Ballet and felt that the salts would suppress my appetite for french lemonade and olives that were between me and my ballerina figure.
Needless to say I have been on some form of the salt since my matriculation upon the first grade and I have of course never felt better, but this is probably due to my mood stabilizers. I have noticed that some of my contemporaries crush their pills up and sniff these up their nose. Not cute, not sophisticated, not rich and you will wind up with blue boogers and no boyfriend.
I suggest you ingest the normal way and take care of your studies the same way you do with your sex organ. Gently and with respect. No need to snort, that is disgusting
Rules, like the Hymen are meant to be broken
I never play by the rules because they weren't written for me. I find them boring, painful, and as I've said before were most likely created by a fat single woman who went to a top 50 school and never made it past the red velvet ropes. Lets be real, neither have I, unless Im with father.
However, these are the rules that I made up that I decided I will follow this week.
1. Dont put out unless I get cash or a bracelet or a chandelier
2. Dont do drugs unless they are prescribed
3. Dont eat trans fats unless its under hun cal
4. dont do bulimia unless it is with my magic wand
5. dont let poor people write on my facebook wall
6. dont masturbate so satnightsexfest is really good
7. dont drink tap water
8. do not read any source of news besides foxnews or bloomberg, anything else is liberal propaganda
9. dont think about other world leaders besides Putin, Reagan, or Hugo Chavez
10. dont listen to reggae music, unless its shaggy because makes me wants to smoke marijuana and eat a lot of cookies and cotton candy.
11. Make up a really good story to tell at next cocktail party
However, these are the rules that I made up that I decided I will follow this week.
1. Dont put out unless I get cash or a bracelet or a chandelier
2. Dont do drugs unless they are prescribed
3. Dont eat trans fats unless its under hun cal
4. dont do bulimia unless it is with my magic wand
5. dont let poor people write on my facebook wall
6. dont masturbate so satnightsexfest is really good
7. dont drink tap water
8. do not read any source of news besides foxnews or bloomberg, anything else is liberal propaganda
9. dont think about other world leaders besides Putin, Reagan, or Hugo Chavez
10. dont listen to reggae music, unless its shaggy because makes me wants to smoke marijuana and eat a lot of cookies and cotton candy.
11. Make up a really good story to tell at next cocktail party
I do charity so that I don't feel bad about my drinking
Charity, giving back to the community, helping others less fortunate, or as I like to call it, buying good karma. Here's a hard fact. Socialites do not like charity unless it involves writing a check whilst simultaneously getting a spa pedicure drinking champagne and masturbating. If they say they like it they are lying but don't bother probing them because they will never admit it.
I have secretly slipped some tequila into some fellow socialites diet cokes to have them reveal that they would rather sell their own children than go to a homeless shelter. True, but not that sad, as children go for at least 50K on the black market. People easily confide in yours truly because I am a skilled manipulator which has come from my training at the highly critically acclaimed Stella Adler Acting School.
Regardless, all wannabe socialites do charity for several reasons, society hates those that at least do not at least pretend to communist-icly even out some of the wealth by giving it to others, and for my favorite buying new karma.
Some of my less fortunate contemporary philosopher's ask me, Do you not feel bad spending mummy and daddy's hard earned cash that they earned respectively on the luxury expert fashion runway and on the trading floor of wall street?
My answer is absolutely not, I was born with a gift of being able to do what I want, say what I want, act how I want all the time every day all day 24/7 a gift that I am trying to spread to all wannabe socialites all across New York, Los Angeles, and Europe, and the less Asiany parts of Asia. So, because of my gift, and my chronic raging obsession with veuve cliquot with every meal, I do some charity, so that I buy some good karma and continue to never feel bad for doing what I want and saying what I want all day every day.
I have secretly slipped some tequila into some fellow socialites diet cokes to have them reveal that they would rather sell their own children than go to a homeless shelter. True, but not that sad, as children go for at least 50K on the black market. People easily confide in yours truly because I am a skilled manipulator which has come from my training at the highly critically acclaimed Stella Adler Acting School.
Regardless, all wannabe socialites do charity for several reasons, society hates those that at least do not at least pretend to communist-icly even out some of the wealth by giving it to others, and for my favorite buying new karma.
Some of my less fortunate contemporary philosopher's ask me, Do you not feel bad spending mummy and daddy's hard earned cash that they earned respectively on the luxury expert fashion runway and on the trading floor of wall street?
My answer is absolutely not, I was born with a gift of being able to do what I want, say what I want, act how I want all the time every day all day 24/7 a gift that I am trying to spread to all wannabe socialites all across New York, Los Angeles, and Europe, and the less Asiany parts of Asia. So, because of my gift, and my chronic raging obsession with veuve cliquot with every meal, I do some charity, so that I buy some good karma and continue to never feel bad for doing what I want and saying what I want all day every day.
How many boys you kiss in clubs is dependent upon how many antidepressants you are on
Its a tough day for me, after careful review of my credit card bill, it appears that I have popped bottles with my contemporaries on more than half dozen occasions in the past month. this leads me to the startling realization that I spend as much time as I do in clubs as I do taking naps, complaining to my maids, or contemplating how to spend the least amount of time with my trainer as possible but still convince myself that I exercised.
After careful reflection of my month replete with table buying in attempt to up my socialite status and potentially be photographed by someone other than myself, Ive realized that I kiss a lot of boys who are trying just as hard as I am to be on newyorksocialdiary.com. It seems that the number of boys one kisses whilst at a table in the club, is contingent upon how many antidepressants one is prescribed. In the olden days back in the late 80's it seemed rather normal to kiss one or two boys the same way it was normal to be prescribed one or 2 prescription drugs. Now times have changed and psychotheripasts have gotten lazier and prefer to have pills do the work for them, which obviously is fine by me.
The situation is that I like to kiss a lot of boys because I like to get free drinks and I like to pretend I am a sexual being as opposed to an uptight frigid prude with high anxiety and low self esteem issues. However, with the proper mix of my medications and veuve cliquot, the prudeness dissipates like a xanax dissolving in a vodka tonic, and I am free to kiss as many boys without a care in the world. The more boys one kisses whilst popping bottles, is contingent upon how many anti depressants one is prescribed.
Monday, December 6, 2010
isnt it ironic
that those who make social commentary aren't very social
those who take a firm stance on abstinence wind up pregnant
those who ask for bodyguards probably dont need them
page 6 in the post is not on page 6
people who say they love foreign films are American
I do not know what Ironic means
Friday, December 3, 2010
I never ever lie, unless I feel like it
A very important characteristic in my semi alcoholic neurotic hypnotic erotic social climbing disposition is I indulge in some pathological lying tendencies Just for my own amusement .
Now examine pathological, it has the word logical in it, which means that there is some logic to my lies. I just sometimes find reality to be a bit too boring to discuss at cocktail parties so I embellish the situation. For example, If I had sex with a man and then he left in the middle of the night, I would most likely tell the story as we did not have sex although he really wanted to and he stayed with me throughout the evening and we listened to classical music and played scrabble and talked about the underlying symbolism of Fight Club and made our own.
The story essentially has the same plot, but with some minute detail swaps that make the story more interesting to the listener. My philosophy is, WHy speak if you have something boring to say? Boring like homelessness is a sin that is looked down upon by greek gods, so in my quest to be a creme de la creme top socialite, I slightly anecdote my tales for a more fun cocktail party. Cheers.
Now examine pathological, it has the word logical in it, which means that there is some logic to my lies. I just sometimes find reality to be a bit too boring to discuss at cocktail parties so I embellish the situation. For example, If I had sex with a man and then he left in the middle of the night, I would most likely tell the story as we did not have sex although he really wanted to and he stayed with me throughout the evening and we listened to classical music and played scrabble and talked about the underlying symbolism of Fight Club and made our own.
The story essentially has the same plot, but with some minute detail swaps that make the story more interesting to the listener. My philosophy is, WHy speak if you have something boring to say? Boring like homelessness is a sin that is looked down upon by greek gods, so in my quest to be a creme de la creme top socialite, I slightly anecdote my tales for a more fun cocktail party. Cheers.
My glass of champagne costs more than your Spring HoLiDaY
So, the concept of "Spring Break" is looming..a time when Children go down to the Caribbean and drink all for about the cost of my glass of my champagne. Trashy, Horrific, my worst nightmare. Ive heard stories ranging from women getting glass thrown at each other to doing shots at breakfast off of the waiter.
Even for my own senior year, when I was riding on the high on the latter of my manic depression, I chose to go to Dubai with family at the Burj Al Arab and it was most definitely the right decision. I urge this generation to bring back the family holiday on Spring break to examine, culture, glitter, arabs, sand, hookah, and high tech water parks. That is what a holiday is really all about.
So even though during my late teens I was a rather manic depressive hermit who performed voo doo and enjoyed watching infomercials, I still realized the utter waste of time to spend SpRinG Holiday on a cheap island getting trashed whilst having meaningless conversation, when you can have a nice glass of champagne with mother and father and talk about the sadness of not being able to have alcohol on Sharik MuhammedAbiMinHussAyana's anniversary.
Even for my own senior year, when I was riding on the high on the latter of my manic depression, I chose to go to Dubai with family at the Burj Al Arab and it was most definitely the right decision. I urge this generation to bring back the family holiday on Spring break to examine, culture, glitter, arabs, sand, hookah, and high tech water parks. That is what a holiday is really all about.
So even though during my late teens I was a rather manic depressive hermit who performed voo doo and enjoyed watching infomercials, I still realized the utter waste of time to spend SpRinG Holiday on a cheap island getting trashed whilst having meaningless conversation, when you can have a nice glass of champagne with mother and father and talk about the sadness of not being able to have alcohol on Sharik MuhammedAbiMinHussAyana's anniversary.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I BBM my shrink when...
1. I cant decide whether I want soup or salad as an Appetizer
2. I get in a fight with my trainer because he made me use the 20 lb weights
3. Have a bad dream in the middle of the night
4. Cant decide what music to download
5. When I have written a poem and want their thoughts
6. When I want to know how pretty I am
7. When Im rude to waiters and then feel bad
8. When I skip church to shop online and watch Chelsea Lately
9. When I dont vote and feel bad
10. When I lie and dont feel bad and then feel bad about not feeling bad
2. I get in a fight with my trainer because he made me use the 20 lb weights
3. Have a bad dream in the middle of the night
4. Cant decide what music to download
5. When I have written a poem and want their thoughts
6. When I want to know how pretty I am
7. When Im rude to waiters and then feel bad
8. When I skip church to shop online and watch Chelsea Lately
9. When I dont vote and feel bad
10. When I lie and dont feel bad and then feel bad about not feeling bad
Daddy Issues Do not breed Promiscuous Socialites
Nothing gets my La perla diamond thong into a twist greater than individuals accusing my generation's slutty mannerisms on issues with our paternal figures. I know many women who cite their dad's as their best friends and go as far as to say that they are their "hero" and these women engage in frequent pre marital behavior. I also know women who when the mention of father comes up in a rather harmless cocktail party conversation, they end up covered in hives and a following panic attack, yet they too are still slutty.
Itso facto, Daddy issues have nothing to do with women who enjoy sleeping around to get ahead.
Itso facto, Daddy issues have nothing to do with women who enjoy sleeping around to get ahead.
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